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Gr. What's up with people getting so offended?

wdc*bridewdc*bride
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in South Asian Weddings
I think I'm going to go nuts shortly.  I just want to be done and not worry about these ridiculous details.Anyway, at an American wedding, you usually just block off a few rows for grandparents and aunts and uncles, and everyone knows what to do.  Easy peasy.  (Hm, never actually used this phrase before.)FMIL wants to place individual seat cards assigning all her family members to specific seats in the first few rows so a) random guests won't sit there despite the "reserved" sign, and b) the young children won't take the first row and "horribly offend" the old uncle who now can't fit into the prized seat he is entitled to.  I think this is ridiculous and I'm exhausted.  Also, apparently the various uncles have to be seated in a certain order in the front row (all at their own tables of course) at the reception, but that puts some of them too close to the band's speakers ... so she's trying to reconfigure the entire room one week before the wedding.  I told her no.
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Re: Gr. What's up with people getting so offended?

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    wdc*bridewdc*bride
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    edited December 2011
    BTW, she's totally more stressed about this wedding than I am.  I kind of feel sorry for her if it's true that people will be offended so easily.
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    Meghana55Meghana55 member
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    edited December 2011
    Awww I'm sorry - that's so frustrating!  I've never heard of uncles having to be seating in a certain order before.  At least you're standing your ground, so that's good.  You don't need that sort of aggravation 1 week before the wedding!  Can your FI just tell her to STFU :-)  I think SA moms WAY over-hype the whole "everyone is going to be offended if you don't do...." thing.  It's ridiculous.  No one cares THAT much.  I understand people talking smack about the bigger stuff, but at the end of the day no one REALLY cares except for the gossipy old aunties with nothing better to do.  And even then, karma's a bittch and when it's their son or daughter's wedding, everyone will turn right back around and gossip about something about that wedding.  It's a vicious cycle :-)Get a way for a few hours and treat yourself to some peace and quiet.  Shopping, a mani/pedi, getting beligerantly drunk and forgetting all about everything :-)
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    sisterghsistergh
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    edited December 2011
    Do you have ushers?  Is it possible to ask a few friends to serve as ushers?  If not ushers, could you ask someone (like perhaps someone who might already be greeting guests or handing out programs) to keep an eye on the first few rows and discreetly point out to anyone who sits there that the area's reserved?  Chances are people will pay attention to the signs, but letting her know that someone's doing this may calm her down.  I totally feel for you.  I am terrified that these little differences in the way things are done here versus in India will rear their heads the week of my wedding.  I keep trying to plan as much as possible so that I know what I'm up against, but to some extent I think I'll be in your boat in September.  But you WILL get through it, and the things that seem like a huge deal now will be forgotten very quickly.  And you're going to be a beautiful, glowing bride!  We're all rooting for you!  
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    nilaniluvnilaniluv
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    edited December 2011
    Yeah I was going to mentions ushers too. One wedding I went to had no signs but had one usher seating people and it went along fine. I mean if she wants to make the signs then that fine let her, but you should just say you dont have time for it. I've never heard that the uncles had to be seated in a certain order either. I just know the parents are usually in the front. Yes and I also agree go out and treat yourself to some lunch and a cocktail by yourself. It will do a world of difference!
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    katie978katie978 member
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    edited December 2011
    That's very helpful to hear, Meghana.  I have certainly found it hard to believe that everyone in India is soo much more sensitive than Americans!  It is mind-blowing how much each little thing matters to FMIL & how she's positive everyone is going to be offended.  Notably, this seems to include God, who will be offended if our wedding planners wear black for example.  And I thought the Christian God was picky!  ;)It also seems FMIL thinks all the Indian relatives have not evolved past the 1950s.  Really, the relatives who've lived in NY & NJ for 30 years can't possibly find out that we live together or they'll be horrified??  Come on!  I have a funny feeling their kids lived with their spouses before they were married too!  But heaven knows how we'll all judge each other should this great sin come to light.I feel exactly like you're feeling, WDC.  I just want it over, I can't take all this stress & worrying about every tiny detail anymore.  (At least you'll be done SO soon!!  :)  YAY!!)  I feel so exhausted with trying to do everything right.In the meantime, meet you at the spa on Saturday?  ;)
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    wdc*bridewdc*bride
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    edited December 2011
    You know, I haven't had a drink since I converted to Islam 18 months ago, but I think this might be a "special occasion."  What's that Ben Franklin quote?  "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy"?  Who can deny logic like that?Ushers: that's a good point.  We decided not to do them because we didn't have enough people to usher in everyone, but maybe if we just ask FI's two cousins to gently guide the right people to the right row on his side, that's not too big of a task.  I just hate asking them to do something that seems so absurd to me.It really is very sad to me the way FMIL seems caught in her fears about how others will gossip about her, even when she knows that what she feels compelled to do is silly.  I hope our generation will have left that all behind before I have my own childrens' weddings to plan!For those of you with people coming over from India for the wedding, do they have absurd expectations like this?
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    wdc*bridewdc*bride
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    edited December 2011
    Katie - the black thing is hilarious.  I've heard some SAs refuse to use black ink on invitations even.  So weird.BTW, where in DC do you live -- if you're serious, I could totally use some company for some downtime this weekend.  I live in Chinatown and we just bought in Ballston, so we'll be there for a bit this weekend.
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    sisterghsistergh
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    edited December 2011
    None of fi's family is coming from India just for the wedding, though his parents are here visiting and will be at our wedding.  This has helped a lot with what you're describing.  (Though fi's dad keeps talking about how "it's the first day of Navratri," without specifying what he means by that.  Once he said it when asking me about the menu.  FI thought he may have been talking about meat, but he knows we'll have some non-veg food there so I'm not convinced that's it.  Both FI and I are in the dark right now, but  I think that I may learn why he's all hung up on the first day of Navratri the day before our wedding when it's too late to do anything about it.) For me, the issue has been my mother and grandmother.  My grandmother is a very proper Southern woman, and I think my mom is super-concerned with all of these details, and the way she thinks things are "supposed" to look and be done.  I've had some real issues with my mother during this (though surprisingly not about the intercultural aspect) and have tried to deal with her about what people will "think," for instance, if we didn't have inner and outer envelopes on our invites, or if we don't do our Christian processional a certain way.  With the things related to our Episcopal ceremony that I want that she may give me grief about, our priest has given me license to use him as the bad guy.  Maybe you can find a willing scapegoat?  Although it sure would be nice if she'd just calm down, right?
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    Meghana55Meghana55 member
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    edited December 2011
    We had family from India come (all of my moms siblings).  My eldest uncle is super traditional and everyone was worried about how he would deal with the fact that we weren't doing EVERY pooja in the book and were cutting some stuff out.  My mom went to India a few months before the wedding and told everyone not to expect a wedding like you would in India.  My uncle still tried to push a lot of stuff and my mom had to sternly let him know that that's not how things are done here.   That we were doing the wedding as close to traditional as possible, but that he had to understand that things are different here.  He eventually learned to accept it and shut his mouth. In the end, he was very happy with how we did things and was amazed at how weddings are done here (like the reception) and he was happy to have been a part of it.  He even was cool with the north indian reception food (despite the fact that he only eats SUPER traditional south indian food every meal, every day).There will always be people who will try and rain on your parade.  The most important thing is to just focus on your FI and let yourself be excited about marrying him.  And just try and put all the negativity aside.    And holy cow!  I give you props for going 18 months without a drink.  Especially during the wedding planning!  Wine was my friend during the process ;-)
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    katie978katie978 member
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    edited December 2011
    Absolutely!  I live west of Gtown off MacArthur Blvd.  Congrats on buying!  Did you get a house or condo?  That's so exciting!  I'm jealous.  Dying to take advantage of these low interest rates!I'm desperately in need of a massage if you're interested.  Or lunch or coffee or yoga or whatever! 
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    DCbride09DCbride09
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    edited December 2011
    wdc*bride, congrats on the new place.  We live in Ballston too, so welcome to the neighborhood :)  My mom surprisingly turned crazy with all this wedding stuff too.  We've lived here for more than 30 years, so I'm a bit taken aback.  She was very opposed to black ink on the invitations.  And any black anywhere.  She just told me the robe I wear the morning of the wedding can't be black.  Umm... ok.  We haven't had any weird seating issues yet so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.  And thankfully the family coming from India are the not-so conservative ones, so I'm hoping there won't be issues there.  Two big struggles I've had with my mom have been favors (I don't think they're necessary but she thinks people will think badly) and having meat during the reception.  So she gets her favors and we're having one meat dish during the reception.  So far, these are the only 2 things where she's been worried about what people will think.
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