Last name help? (long-ish)

polichik · August 2009

FI and I seem to be at an impasse about this one, so I'm really hoping there's another option we haven't thought of, or a new way of looking at it that might help!Quick background: FI and I are both close to and proud of our families and family names. Neither of us wants to give up our last or middle names.1. I want us to hyphenate our names, with both of us having the same name and our future kids also sharing our name. It's really meaningful to me for both of us to have the same name but also to keep our own family names intact. For what it's worth, my last name is one syllable, and our names sound nice together.2. FI doesn't want to change his name at all, but he's also more than comfortable with me doing whatever I want... Keeping my name, hyphenating on my own, whatever. He's also cool with our kids being hyphenated. He just doesn't want to change his name at all.We still have a year to decide, but we've already been talking about this for a year but haven't budged. It's the one thing we haven't been able to find middle ground on. Any ideas? I don't want to "convince" FI do to anything, I'm just hoping we can find a compromise we're both happy with.

mandysmear · August 2009

Unofficially go by polichik-mr.polichik. But, let him keep his name legally?I think your only option is to kick and scream until he changes his mind :P If he's okay with your children having hyphenated names I think that's quite a good compromise. Why doesn't he want to change his name?

gkb0910 · August 2009

It seems like the best option that I can see is for your FI to keep his name, and you and your future kids to hyphenate. But like you said, you still have a year to decide and your, or your FI's, opinions may change.

bbyckes · August 2009

I like the idea of you hyphenating your name, FI keeping his and the kids having a hyphenated name. Or you keep your name, FI keeps his and the kids have a hyphenated name. I think either way works.

Golfer'sLady · August 2009

I guess you'll both do what you'd each personally prefer. You'll hyphenate, he'll keep his last name and then in the future hyphenate your children's names.Or you could draw straws to see who's idea wins.

lyndausvi · August 2009

Personally I would just let him do what he wants. It's his name and he should be able to do what he wants, just like you can choose your name how you want.

noelle24 · August 2009

FI doesn't want to change his name at allThis is your answer. You can't force him. How would you feel if he was trying to force you to take his last name, and his last name only?So this sounds like your best compromise:Keeping my name, hyphenating on my own, whatever. He's also cool with our kids being hyphenated. He just doesn't want to change his name at all.

TiDa2009 · August 2009

If it works for both of you, keep you last name, he keeps his, and give your kids both as a hyphenated name. Easy peasy.

polichik · August 2009

Stage, I don't want to force him into anything. That's not what I want to do. I just feel like there's got to be an option that makes both of us happy. If you see this as a "red flag" about me, I can't help that. I don't want to act like something that's important to me isn't.Mandy, we talked about it last night for a while, and he says that he wants us to preserve our individuality in our marriage. Of course we're going to be able to do that. I think if we had different names, I'd just feel like we each would be a part of our own families (as in the families we grew up in) instead of forming our own family. I know that we would in every other sense, but names are extremely meaningful to me.I guess I don't see it as giving up any part of his name, since he'd be adding my name to his and not changing any other part of his.

danieliza1127 · August 2009

I agree with Stage Manager on this.

duckie1905 · August 2009

DH never would have gone along with changing his last name, even to hyphenate. He was fine with whatever I wanted to do (I ended up changing it) but he wouldn't have gone along with any changing to his name.A name is a very personal thing and if he has a really strong objection to changing it I wouldn't push the issue. I would've been pretty upset if DH had insisted that I change my name or hyphenate if I didn't want to so I knew he would probably react the same if I brought it up.Can you and the children hypenate and he remain the same? I think the only resolution to this situation that he'll find acceptable is to keep his name the way it is, which I think is a reasonable thing to want.

buttaflai · August 2009

If he doesn't want to change it, then he shouldn't have to. What if he was adamant that you change your name and you wanted to keep/hyphenate. You wouldn't like him pressuring you to do something you don't want.

noelle24 · August 2009

Seriously, poli.... you are tyring to force him. Your FI is telling you that he really wants to keep his own name. Trying to convince him to hyphenate is forcing him, whether you want to call it that or not. Either do the hyphenating thing, or you both give up your middle names (the you'd both be unhappy, and who's name do the kids get?). But you can't get everything you want, and your FI nothing that he wants. I'd take your hyphenating compromise and let this go.

polichik · August 2009

I absolutely, 100% think that whatever he wants to do is a good thing. Once again, and I can't say it enough times, I don't want to force him to do anything. That would feel horrible. I was hoping that there was another option out there that would allow us to both have what's important to us.It sounds like we just won't be able to have the same name. Honestly, it makes me really sad. But it doesn't seem like there's any other way.I have to run out for a few hours, but I really appreciate all the suggestions and thoughts. I'll check back soon!

thesportsgal21 · August 2009

My cousin's fiance wanted them to both hyphenate their names, but he thought it was emasculating or something. I don't feel that way, but perhaps it is an underlying issue?

noelle24 · August 2009

It sounds like we just won't be able to have the same nameThis just makes me shake my head. Your FI said he doesn't want to change his name, even to hyphenate or take a new middle name. You don't want to change your name to his alone. What other option IS there, unless someone does something they don't want? It just comes across like you were looking for validation that your FI should change his name, rather than "options".

buttaflai · August 2009

I was hoping that there was another option out there that would allow us to both have what's important to us.So... his decision to not change his name is not important?

fangsiting · August 2009

My friend got married last year & they both hyphenated. I think it's a great idea. However, if he doesn't want to do it, then just let it go. You are starting a new family together even if you don't have the same last name. Keep your name, your FI can keep his & the kids can hyphenate. You can still be one big happy family with different names.

KA2 · August 2009

I think he's made it clear that he doesn't want to change his name but is ok with you hypenating your name and any future kids. OR is it that option is not satisfactory for you?

swans alive · August 2009

I agonized about what to do with my name for months. I love my name, but my last name is too long to really hyphenate. FI told me, straight out, that he didn't care one bit what I did with my name, but that he did not want to change his. I can't fault him for it -- he loves his name as much as I love mine. I decided to take my maiden as my middle and change my last name to his, but it was a choice I made because it finally felt right to me to do so. If not, I was prepared for us to have different last names. Your FI told you, straight out, how he felt. There are no other options -- if you want to have the same last name as him, you need to change yours. Trying to force it otherwise is just going to cause problems.

bajanempress · August 2009

I just wanted to point out that no one has to drop their middle name. I have 2 middle names as it is and although I have not yet changed my name because of my visa issues, when it is all said and done I plan to just add H's last name on the end because I like my middle names.He doesn't want to change his name but you can quite easily keep your middle and last name and add his without hyphenating. Then you would have the same last name and you can hyphenate the kids or give them his last name.H has always wanted to give the kids my maiden name as their middle names (yes male and female) and we will all have his last name. So the kids and I will be Empress Hislastname and he will be Mr Hislastname.

polichik · August 2009

I just figured out how to knot on my blackberry.. This could be dangerous. Thank you for setting me straight about this. I think that sometimes I can get really passionate about an issue and have trouble looking at it on a broader perspective. That's why I'm glad that I have you guys to set me straight. I just have to let go of the hyphenation fantasy and let things be the way they're going to be. It's not easy to hear that I'm wrong, but it's important to hear it as well. So, thanks, P&E.

Terri Bridelee · August 2009

You could do "First Middle Maiden HisLastName" and use your maiden name as an additional middle name, rather than as part of your last name.

BubbleJ · August 2009

I like option 1, which is what I want, and FI is stuck in the middle and can't decide if he wants option 1 or 2. You still have ages to decide, maybe just keep talking about it? Other then that I'm at a loss

Last name help? (long-ish)

Re: Last name help? (long-ish)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards