Non-traditional Jewish wedding officiant?

HilaryH1231 · August 2009

Hi everyone, My fiance and I are both Jewish; however, we are non-practicing Jews, meaning that we are not religious at all. I have no affiliation to any temple, nor do I have a relationship with any sort of rabbi or religious figure. That being said, it is for some reason very important to my parents (father especially) for us to be married by a rabbi. I am willing to have a rabbi marry us, as long as the ceremony is something that I feel comfortable with. Does anyone in the NYC/NY metro area have any recommendations for more secular rabbis, or for rabbis who are willing to perform very non-traditional Jewish ceremonies? I think we would want a chuppah, and the breaking of the glass, but minimal Hebrew/prayers, etc.Any suggestions or tips would be much appreciated. TIA!~Hilary

munkii · August 2009

Look at the congregations listed on the Society for Humanistic Judaism website: http://www.shj.org/iishj.htm

slbriz34 · August 2009

www.interfaithfamily.com - Many of the rabbis that perform interfaith are also fairly open to performing non-secular ceremonies. FMIL got married by Rabbi Melvin May and there was no Hebrew of any kind and he kept the prayers to a minimum. He will work with you and come up with something that you'll both be happy with. GL.

emily.skazer · August 2009

Hilary, We've been considering rabbis now for about two months. Ours is an intermarriage. I'm not Jewish and am really spiritual, but not in a real religious Protestant way, like how I was raised. So we were looking for someone who could create something unique for us, without being too Jewish or religious, and who would be open to lots of English. We wanted a huppa, and a glass-breaking, too. My fiance's mother's family is from Turkey and Greece, and they are Sephardic. His Dad is from Ethiopia. The whole family is pretty assimilated and not very religious, but his Mom wanted Paul to include some special things from their culture in the ceremony. Up at the top of our list were Rabbi Jack Sandberg in West Hartford, Connecticut, Rabbi William Blass of New Haven, Connecticut, and Rabbi Ari Schiffer of Longmeadow, Mass. We interviewed several other rabbis, too. Rabbi Blass couldn't do our wedding: that year he would be on Sabbatical and would be in Sienna, Italy. Rabbi Schiffer is going to leave to go to live in Turkey at the end of this month and expects to be there for a year at least. But both of these rabbis were pretty liberal and accomodating and if we'd been able to book them, they probably would've been pretty good. The other rabbis lower down on the list were not as accomodating, and rather than talk down about them, I'll just not talk about them at all. We ended up choosing Rabbi Sandberg. Other interfaith couples we talked to said very complimentary things about him and our interview confirmed the things they said. Since we had some very special needs, we were looking for that special someone who could really work with us, and give us a pretty secular wedding, but with some special additions to make our respective families more comfortable. This rabbi was one of only two we found anywhere near NYC who knew Ladino, The other was Rabbi Blass. Ladino is the language of the Sephardic Jews, which Paul's Mom wanted used in part of the ceremony. He also knew Amharic, which is the language of the Ethiopian Jews, and when we interviewed him three weeks ago, he called Paul's grandmother in Israel on his cell phone while we were right there and spoke to her for about 15 minutes in Amharic about her expectations about the wedding. Later, he told us he worked with immigrant Ethiopian Jews in Israel while he was getting his rabbinical degree there and knew the culture well. We found him to be open to things that other rabbis who do interfaith weddings gave us the evil eye about and he was fairly knowledgeable about other religions, too, which was a welcome change from other the other rabbis we interviewed whose knowledge of other religions was really limited. Also, different than many of the rabbis we saw, he is a real full-time rabbi with an active congregation (we went to see him conduct Shabbat services at his synagogue), not someone who does weddings on weekends and besides that, not much else. He said he tries to offer a good value to couples, who he realizes especially now are on very tight budgets (certainly true of us). His fees were really reasonable and he said he would meet with you multiple times if you wanted. We've seen him three more times since we contracted with him two weeks ago - one visit was a house call - he actually drove to our house to see us AND brought flowers! ;-) His website is at "rabbisandberg.com" - and you can email me if you have any other questions, too at emily.skazer@gmail.com - glad if I could help. Em

HilaryH1231 · August 2009

Thanks so much for all the suggestions everyone. I actually ended up finding a rabbi that I LOVED as soon as I met him. Rabbi Roger Ross, in NYC--he's a bit more expensive than what I've heard other officiants cost, but worth it, since my FI and I really connected with him and feel like he will help make our ceremony special.

emily.skazer · August 2009

I'm so happy that you were able to find a rabbi. We spoke with Rabbi Ross too and although we were impressed, you are right, his fees were very high, much, much more than we were prepared to pay. Paul concluded that his costs were much higher than most: must be because he lives in the City. The reason we chose Rabbi Sandberg is that even though he lives farther away, but his fees were more reasonable and more in line with our budget (we're paying for this wedding out of our own pockets, our folks aren't helping out at all). Great news anyway. Cheers!

Non-traditional Jewish wedding officiant?

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