mama's boy...how to cut the cord?

casey414 · August 2009

So FI and I both still live with our parents and are planning to until we get married in April. FI's mom is very religious (FYI for the rest of the story). My parents went out of town this weekend and I wanted FI to spend the night so I wouldn't be home alone. He responds "I'll have to go home before the sun comes up." Why you ask? Because if he doesn't his parents will get p!$$ed off at him for 1.not coming home and 2.sleeping at my house. My response to this "YOU ARE 25 YEARS OLD!!!!" Yeah, you got it, and I am 23. WTF! First of all, he is an adult so parents shouldn't have any say so in where he sleeps. Second of all, he needs to grow some and tell his mom to get out of his business! Has anyone else had success cutting the cord?

ThePinkSuperhero · August 2009

Moving out is the best option. As long as you live with your parents, you have to live by their rules. Well, you don't HAVE to, but if you don't, you have to be willing to deal with the consequences. If I was living at home, I wouldn't have sleepovers with FI because I wouldn't want to deal with my parents' being all up in that. Just another reason I'm glad I don't live with my parents any more.

sohappyforthem369 · August 2009

I think that he still lives at home and as such is respecting his parents rules in their home. Rules are rules regardless of the age of the children.Solution is to move out and then he would not have to abide by their rules. But it seems that you all have planned to stay with your parents till you get married for some reason and you have to decide if they or less important than his sleeping over at your house.FYI - His mom will always be in his business because she's his mom but I do agree that boundaries need to be set after you all get married. Right now he still lives in her house.

Kristin789 · August 2009

I'm more worried that you are 23 years old and can't stay two nights alone in the family home you've lived in your whole life... and instead you are creating some huge deal about your FI, who is just trying to live his own life until he marries you. Leave him alone, and respect the fact that he respects his parents and his parents rules while he lives in their home.

zitiqueen · August 2009

Just a little tip for you -- momma's boy boyfriends become momma's boy fiances become momma's boy husbands. A piece of jewelry won't change that. You know he's a momma's boy and you still plan to marry him. That means if he's still a momma's boy after the wedding you don't get to complain about it. Saying "I do" means you accept him as he is at that moment, and at that moment he'll be a momma's boy. So when you're looking for somebody to blame when he goes running to mommy everytime she calls, look no further than your bathroom mirror because that's whose fault it will be. Not your MIL's, not your H's, but yours. 100% yours.And it pains me like you wouldn't believe to agree with BSC Kristen up there, but you can't spend two nights by yourself? Looks like your FI isn't the only one who needs to grow up.

casey414 · August 2009

To be honest, I'm not afraid to stay in my house alone. I have done so many times. But since we do not live together, it's still nice to be able to spend the night together.

zitiqueen · August 2009

Well, his parents, who are putting a roof over his head, get to make rules like that. If he doesn't like those rules, he's allowed to move out, support himself and make his own rules. As are you. That's what grown-ups do. Personally I can't believe a 23-year-old and a 25-year-old still live at home with their mommies.

StessFreeBride · August 2009

The only way to solve the sleeping problem arrangement would be if he moves out of his parents' house. While he is living there, he does need to respect the rules of their home. Unfortunately, if sleeping at home or not at your place is a rule of the home, he needs to abide by it. I do agree that if he is really a momma's boy, it will not improve after you get married. You need to have a conversation with him about what role the families will play in your marriage.

Leah&Christian09 · August 2009

I don't fault you for not wanting to stay alone. After our place got broken into, I refused to sleep there alone again until we'd moved.I would not marry this guy until he moves out of his parents' house and survives on his own for at least a year. He needs to develop some independance and learn how to take care of himself without his mommy.

kinsey0628 · August 2009

I think it's a good idea to live on your own and support yourself before getting married, instead of going from living with your parents to living with your spouse.

zitiqueen · August 2009

I would not marry this guy until he moves out of his parents' house and survives on his own for at least a year. He needs to develop some independance and learn how to take care of himself without his mommy. Both casey414 and her FI need to live on their own and learn independence and how to take care of themselves without their mommies.

PinkElephantsOnParade · August 2009

I think that both of you need to live on your own before you live with each other. You need to both know that you can pay bills, cook, clean, etc. If not, it will be a HUGE shock from living wth mommy and daddy. As far as having a problem with how his family is...you can't really do that much about it, since you're living at home. When you live with your parents, you follow their rules, like it or not. If you don't like it move out. If not, don't complain. The cord won't be cut until you both move out and live on your own. I don't mean to sound harsh, I just feel really strongly about this.

EastCoastBride · August 2009

What else leads you to say he's a momma's boy? Because this situation in and of itself doesn't lead me to think he's one. As many others have said- he lives at home. Because of this, yes, he needs to respect his parents rules. And you KNOW his parents are super religious. Stop expecting t hem to change. He can move out if he wants to spend the night w/ you. And again- are their other issues that lead you to say momma's boy?

Jenny&GregFan · August 2009

Ziti is wise. Listen to her. Beyond that, I agree with ECB that this one instance doesn't make me believe that he's a mama's boy, just that he's respecting his parents rules while he lives under their roof. Are there other reason's you think he's a mama's boy? If he is, like Ziti said, don't expect a ring or a ceremony to change that. It won't. I strongly recommend that you both live on your own, either together or apart, before getting married. Good luck.

casey414 · August 2009

No thats not the only reason I call him a mama's boy. He jumps at her every beck and call, is always worried that she will disapprove of anything he does, etc. The thing is, he is one of 5 children and he is the only one who is like this. And he is not the baby, oldest, or only son. His brothers and sisters have gotten fed up with their mom and don't care about her disapproval so she gave up trying to run their lives. My FI is the most successful of them all (finished his masters degree last year) and was never in any trouble as a kid or teenager, yet he was always the one getting yelled at and it still goes on now. On the other hand, the brothers and sisters could wreck their cars, drink, get in fights, go to jail, run off with boyfriends and get pregnant (I'm not exagerating here) and never got in trouble with the parents. My FI is one of those types who always wants to please and doesn't like anyone to be mad at him. And his mom knows this and takes advantage of it. I'm just hoping that he will eventually figure out that he will never please her and give up like the rest of his brothers and sisters. As for why we still live with our parents, I am still in school (will be finished in December) and since I am in clinicals/class 40 hours a week and can't have more than a part time job, it's not feasible for me to move out. He wasn't making much money while he was in school and now that he is finished he just thinks its better to stay home to save money so we can buy a house before we get married. So basically, the reason we still live with our parents is financial, which will be resolved by the beginning of next year and we will start looking for a house.

ReturnOfKuus · August 2009

He sounds like a dud. I agree with ziti completely.

noelle24 · August 2009

I agree with ziti an kuus. Your FI may grow up and tell his mother to eff off, but I'd say chances are slim. Talk to him about your concerns as tactfully as possible. Then decide if you can live with it for the rest of your life.

joebeth22 · September 2009

Hi girls. To the young lady in some trouble -- read my two postings (at the end) of headline: doubts about my wedding. If the shoe fits.... though it doesn't sound like your guy's family is quite as manipulative or vicious as this other guy's, or that your FI would be willing to be part of a gang-up, ambush on you. But if he would be .... well.

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