Atheist, but Fiance is Catholic-help!

PurpleTragedy85 · August 2009

I have never believed in God in my whole entire life. My fiance knew this, and whenever we had discussed marriage before getting engaged, he knew I didn't want to get married in a church, because I felt that it was going against my beliefs. Now that we are engaged, and have talked about it again, now he is saying he is fine with getting married somewhere besides a church, but wants a Priest to perform the ceremony. I'd rather get married in a church than include God in my vows!!Please, for those who believe, don't flame me. Does anyone have any suggestions? I know we have time to discuss things more in length, but I'm not sure this is something I am willing to compromise on. Fiance says that a priest will make it more "official" because that is how he grew up knowing that weddings were done, blah blah blah. That's all very well and good, but if God is not a part of my life, why should I have to include God in my marriage vows?I'm okay with a religious officiant, but I'm not okay with God being a part of my vows. Does anyone know of a way that I would be able to make this possible?

trix1223 · August 2009

Chances are slim to none that you'll find a Catholic priest who will agree to marry you outside of a Catholic sanctuary. It requires special permission from a bishop, and requires a much better reason than that "we don't want to get married in a church".Further, I think it's pretty safe to say that if you tell a priest you're an atheist, he's not going to perform the sacrament for you.I also think that your chances of finding a religious officiant who will agree to do a wedding without mentioning God is pretty small. I'd suggest that your best option for that is a Unitarian pastor who I think would be more willing than any other denomination.I think it's disrespectful to "use" a church for a wedding ceremony when you don't believe in the tenets or beliefs of the faith. That's, IMO, considering the church as merely a piece of scenery, and that's inappropriate. Please don't do that.But I think you have a much bigger problem here than just a wedding ceremony. It doesn't sound to me like you and your FI are at all on the same page about religion.Have you discussed what will be done when/if you have children? Will your FI want them raised Catholic? Will you want to avoid having a religious education/involvement for your kids?I think you and your FI need to have a serious discussion about religion and what place it will have in the future. It's a major family decision.

PurpleTragedy85 · August 2009

I was not being serious about getting married in a church when I didn't believe, just to state that right off.The weird part is...we have discussed religion. Quite a bit in fact. He isn't even a practicing Catholic, he was just raised Catholic. He doesn't plan on taking our children to church, and I told him I was okay with teaching our children about God and then letting them make up their own mind about what they believe. I think that is why all of this is so out of left field. I would understand if we hadn't discussed this, but...we definitely have. I'm not sure if he just thought I was kidding about the whole "no church thing", because then he informed me that his mom and grandmother would be upset about us not getting married in a church. Considering they are the only people out of both of our families who attend church, I can understand, but I'm not willing to go against myself just to make them happy. Thanks for the heads up about a priest not performing outside of a church. I will do some research then on the Unitarian church. I'm trying to compromise without going against everything that I've believed all of my life, since I of course would want my fiance to be happy with the way in which we get married.

Leah&Christian09 · August 2009

Well, the good news is a priest isn't really an option outside of the church. Good for you for refusing to get married in a church when you don't believe in god. So many non-practicing brides get married in the church just because, and it's an insult to people that really do have faith.I was going to ask if maybe he's getting pressure from family and that is behind this. It seems it is. He needs to learn that the marriage is about the two of you, not about what anyone else thinks. If his mother has an issue with you not getting married in a church, what does she think about you being an atheist? If you FI isn't practicing, does she realize that you will probably be bringing up your children without religion? How's that going to go?

handfast4me · August 2009

Ok, first off--I agree you need to sit down with him. Will he expect your children to be raised in that church? How about when he's on his deathbed, will he expect the last rites? I would not be able to accept either of those things in my house. But after you talk, maybe you can still come to some sort of agreement. And here's where you CAN compromise. You can have an official who is offiliated with a church. Actually, it's a fellowship. The Unitarian Universalist. The minister in your local UU church will be able to tailor your ceremony to fit your needs.

ffmaid · August 2009

1. A Catholic priest will not perform a marriage anywhere but a church. 2. The Catholic church will not recognize your marriage if not done as a Catholic marriage sacrament 3. Consider what religion or lack your new family will be. Will you raise your kids Catholic or atheist. How do you and Fi feel about god in the lives of your family? Will christmas have a manger? is easter an excuse for chocolate bunnies or a huge religious holiday? Will you baptise your kids? The bigger issue is religion in your new family you and fi need to agree and then begin your wedding and marriage as you mean to go on.

redheadfsu · August 2009

I'm late to the discussion, but here is my 2 cents:It sounds like you guys have talked & this isn't about God in your marriage, but instead his family's wants over you. I know several people who were raised Catholic but no longer believe and all of them got married in a Catholic church. The only reason they did this was b/c of family pressure. The real problem here is that he needs to stand up to his family. Otherwise, you will be doing whatever his family wants for the rest of your life. On the other hand, don't try to make them mad. Maybe something God related like a reading or something not in your vows?He needs to talk to his parents. They need to know your beliefs. We had to have that talk with the his family & it was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Maybe they are pushing b/c they don't know about your beliefs?

PurpleTragedy85 · August 2009

thank you all for the words of advice and thoughts to mull over. I will definitely be sitting down with him and talking about everything sometime soon.

AprilWed2010 · August 2009

I know this is a little late but I actually had a friend in exactly this situation. She was, and still is, atheist and her now husband is a practicing Catholic. She went through the exact same thing - his mom seriously pressured them into doing a full Catholic ceremony where she believed that it made no sense for her to make her vows to God when she did not believe in Him. As a Christian, I appreciate that you are not just going along with it because IMO it devalues the sanctity of those vows for believers. Having said that there is good news! There are priests out there that will perform a ceremony to your liking - it just might take some looking. My friend chose to do the ceremony of the hands (look it up, it was kind of cute) and made her vows different from his. She made her vows to herself, he made his vows to God. Aside from that, I wouldn't jump to conclusions and assume that if your FI is listening to his mom about this that he will always choose her side over yours. Religion is a very big part of peoples' lives and is all too often used to guilt people into things, some that aren't really important (I can't tell you how many times I've gotten those e-mails: if you believe in God, pass this on to 6 people in the next 10 minutes but if you are ashamed of your faith, just delete it... ugh). While I do agree that you need to have the serious discussions mentioned by others about your future together, another consideration may be going straight to his mom if she is the source of the complications. This is what my friend did and it worked out well. If you make sure to not come across as attacking their religion and just stay calm, this will not only give you the opportunity to ensure his family that you still respect their religion and simply do not believe in it yourself, but it will also reassure them that you are a mature adult who is ready to be part of their family. Good luck!

sweetheart947 · August 2009

Have you thought about having a non demomintatinal official marry you? That is what we are doing. My dad is athiest and I never went to church growing up so I dont feel right getting married in one. We are just going to hire someone and even though my fiance is religious we are not going to have God in our vows. We have also talked about how religion will be in our kids lives and they have the right to choose what they want. I think you two will be just fine.

sdurham1 · August 2009

So I'm really late but no one has posted this yet: www.rentapriest.com It's totally serious, retired or "reformed" catholic priests who will do outside weddings and will conform to your style and belifs. This way you get your outside wedding and he gets a priest but one who will work with you and not make you feel like a damned person for not being religious. Your situation sounds just like mine and I had to put my foot down on the catholic thing. It's not his mom's wedding and religion is a big deal.

yuodelj · August 2009

Have a Priest bless the wedding afterwards?

kellybelly817 · August 2009

I agree with everyone above... you need to sit down and have a serious discussion with your fiance. Mine was raised Catholic as well; however, he's non-practicing. For us it came down to: is this our wedding, or your family's? We attend a nondenominational Christian church and decided that was the route to go, as the idea of a Catholic wedding and promising to raise our children Catholic, attend Catholic church, etc. made me really uncomfortable, since these aren't things I want to do, and he wanted to do what we are both comfortable with. Is the Catholic faith a huge part of your fiance's life? If it's not, and he's doing it to appease his family, he should be okay with respecting your wishes. You just need to call attention to that issue in as calm and respectful a way as possible, so as not to seem as though you are attacking him and his beliefs. Just remember: at the end of the day, YOU TWO are the only people that need to be comfortable with the decision you have made. I hope that his family is understanding; with any luck, they should get over it just fine and accept your wedding regardless of how it is performed.Best of luck and keep us posted!:) K

sillypuddy143 · September 2009

If you use a JP you can always have his vows include "God" and yours not. Compromise!

Atheist, but Fiance is Catholic-help!

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