BM trouble, I could use some unbiased advice!

meganrosej · August 2009

Hi all, I apologize in advance for how long this is, but I really need the advice of other brides. My mom and friends mean well, but I'm afraid they are a bit biased.This past weekend was my bachelorette party, and I had four friends come in from out of town and two friends who already live here. So one of my in-town friends is also a bridesmaid, I'll refer to her as T. T and I have known each other for about 8 years, having met in college. Two of my out of town guests are also bridesmaids, and I also met them at the same time as T, and we all four used to be pretty good friends. Since then, we've all moved around and while I've stayed close to the other two girls, T has not. T and I are now living in the same city again, and although we don't see each other a whole lot, we have lunch together every couple of weeks. She's been the one to go dress shopping with me, and has been pretty good during that whole process. But she's just great one on one. When I invite to hang out with me and other people she is not close friends with, she either turns it down or comes and acts obnoxious. My FI doesn't like her, and my other friends in town aren't her biggest fans. I am always protesting to them that she really isn't the person that they always see.So back to this weekend. We had a number of things planned, and T had told me in advance that she probably wouldn't be able to go to the last event, brunch on Sunday. I said no problem, come to what you can, but you of course don't have to do everything. She never made any other mention of not coming to anything else. She showed up Friday for our boat trip, and spent the entire time complaining about how tired she was since she had been at work the whole day(so had I) and just complained about various other things. I had one friend there who had never met T, and she asked later when T was gone if T was always that way. My other friends said yes, and I was like, no she's not like that when we are alone together. The next day we met T for lunch and a spa day, and she found even more things to complain about. She informed me while we were waiting at the spa that she would not be going out to dinner with us as originally planned since she would be having dinner with a friend of hers who was moving away soon. I was a little hurt because she had known about our plans for months and months, and she also knew this friend was moving way in advance, but she chose this weekend to have dinner with him anyway. But I don't know the whole story, so perhaps this was the only time he could meet with her. So I'm hurt but I'm was not getting upset with her just yet. She ends up leaving the spa without us since she finished early and didn't want to wait. She tells me to give her a call after our dinner to let her know where to meet up, since we were going out for drinks after dinner. I send her a text just before we went to dinner to let her know where we were going and that if her plans had changed she was welcome to meet us for dinner. We end up having to wait a bit for dinner to get seated, and then we sat around chatting for a long time, so we ended up not being done with dinner until an hour and a half after I had last texted her. I honestly didn't think that was a long time, but maybe that's just me. While we are leaving the restaurant she texted me asking where we are and why haven't we contacted her. So I let her know that we were just leaving dinner and we will be heading downtown soon, and I let her know where to meet us. So we get to the first bar and she's not there, ends up showing up about 25 minutes after the rest of us have gotten there. That's fine except she also brings her dinner date. She never once mentioned to me that she was bringing him. I have only met him a few times before, so I don't really know him that well. I can't say that I had really envisioned having a guy I barely knew at my party when I was with all my close girl friends. When she showed up she complained to one of the other BMs that we took too long at dinner and that's why she was so late. She then pretty much spent the next hour only talking to her friend, and not participating in the game my BMs had planned for the evening. When we decided to leave the bar and go to the next place, she told us she would meet up with us there, and that her friend was going to be meeting up with some of his other friends, so he would not be joining us. Well when we get to the next place I let her know, and she texts back saying she is tired and is going home. I told her ok, that I would talk to her later. And that is the last I've heard from her. I should also mention that she told me at one point during the weekend that she would not be participating in any of the bridal party events the day before the wedding, since she would not be able to bring her boyfriend, who lives out of state and is coming to town for the wedding. Half of me understands her wanting to spend as much time with him as possible, since she doesn't see him that often. But the other half of me is upset because she didn't have to invite him to the wedding, she could have saved that weekend for hanging out with me and my family, and had him come up another weekend. So the point of all of this is that I am just not sure how to handle the situation. I really feel like she took a weekend that was supposed to be fun and relaxing, and made it very stressful for everyone. I am very concerned that she will do the same thing on my wedding. She doesn't seem to like my friends, even though some of them used to be her friends too. My mom thinks I should take a few days to cool off, and then write her an email letting her know how she upset me, and that although I would like her to still be a part of the wedding, if she didn't want to be in the bridal party then I would be happy to buy her dress from her. My mom actually thinks T is not someone I should remain friends with, if the only time she doesn't act up is when it's just the two of us. So am I being too much of a bridezilla by being upset with her for this weekend? I'm not going to email her today, and maybe letting it sit for a bit will calm me down. But I'm just not sure if I should even email her about it at all. I'm not used to having drama, and things with the wedding have been fairly stress-free up until now. She may be fine at the wedding, and if I email her now I may make things worse. Any advice would be so appreciated. I'm so sorry this was so long, and thank you to whoever managed to read through the whole thing!

reddie36 · August 2009

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all and I do think you need to address this ASAP. Perhaps it was an issue with her not understanding what all you expected from her pre-wedding and the days before/day of....and maybe she is having a hard time dealing with feeling left out of the loop for whatever reason, but there comes a time when you need to buck up and include yoursefl and be supportive of your friends and forget about yourself for a bit. I would def approach this in a way that was not attacking her - try to state how you felt when she did 'X', and tell her what you want and expect for the rest of the events and the wedding day - "I would like you to' or 'I need you to come to this or do this instead of that...' instead of saying to her 'You need to do this' or 'You should not do that', etc. Maybe through this conversation you will find out she has a bigger underlying issue going on that you don't know about or perhaps she is too busy to be this involved right now - in which case you could always offer her an out if she needs to step down. I think (in my case, not necessarily yours) that I get wrapped up in my own BS and forget that my girls all have stuff going on too and I need to be supportive of them to get the support I need back. That said, yes - YOU are the bride, it is YOUR day and she is supposed to be supporting you as part of your wedding party. Not complaining all the time and being anti-social. I totally feel where you are coming from and would be feeling the same way right now. Good luck!

jlmowris · August 2009

First of all, you're not being a bridezilla. She wasn't just rude to you she was also rude to your other bridesmaids by not taking part in the activities that you planned. Friends are always going to act differently when you're alone with them than they do when you're in a group setting but you want to surround yourself with people who are supportive in both settings especially on your wedding day. I'm not emotionally invested in this friend so I can't tell you what to do but think about your wedding with her involved and without her involved. Would it be the same if she wasn't by your side? Chances are if she's never great around your other friends, she won't be great on your wedding day either. If you can prepare yourself for that and it won't bother you then great but if it's going to upset you then I would try to find a way to remove her from the wedding party. Some people are amazing friends but that doesn't mean that they're great bridesmaids. I'm sorry that I'm not much help. Good luck with the situation.

SarahK512 · August 2009

OH EM GEE!! She sounds high maintenance and difficult to deal with. All of that texting, and "where are you" and showing up late, and brining some dude to your bach party, etc... pfft, NO THANKS! If she doesn't want to participate or be included in other pre-wedding activities, I'd say fine! Don't try to talk her into it. It will probably make things MUCH easier for you!

somethingsweeting · August 2009

You poor thing.I agree with PP - you're not being a bridezilla, this girl is way out of line.I think your mom has the right idea. Give yourself a few days to cool off and make sure you're not just acting on emotions and then talk to her about it. Definitely offer to buy the dress from her. I had a similar problem with one of my bridesmaids. Without going into all the details, I wrote her a letter and said that it sounded like she didn't want to be a bridesmaid (many of the same issues as you - complained about everything, didn't show up for things, generally completely unhelpful) and that if it was too much responsibility for her, I wouldn't be offended if she backed out. She kept up the pretense for another month or so before backing out with some lame excuse. I was grateful - I didn't want to have to deal with her on my wedding day.Your bridesmaids are supposed to be people who help mitigate the stress, not create it. And they're not supposed to just stand up there and look pretty - they're supposed to help you plan, help you celebrate, and just generally HELP! sounds like she's not fulfilling her end of the deal and you'd be well with in your rights to talk with her and re-evaluate her role. Maybe she'd be better as a guest.Ultimately, it's YOUR wedding and you need to have as little stress as possible. If she's weighing you down, it may be time for her to go. You've got enough on your plate.

ejayne · August 2009

Man... this sucks. I think you have the right idea... send her an email (or even snail mail, for some reason I always think it carries more weight that way). I had some drama with one of my bridesmaids (also my SISTER) a while back... she almost backed out of attending my shower... and for a while there I seriously thought about voting her off the island (but the dress was already purchased, and I didn't have $200 to buy it from her or anything like that). After I got done venting to my mom, I had a chat with my sister explaining that SHE is the one who said she WANTED to be a bridesmaid in the first place, so she needed to stop be such a flake and get on the ball. :P I hope yours is just as easy (or better yet... easier) to fix as mine was. GL!

meganrosej · August 2009

Thanks everyone for reading, and giving advice. It's good to know I'm not being a crazy bridezilla. I think I may give her the option to bow out of the party, and offer to buy her dress from her. She upset everyone else at the party, so to make them have to deal with her again is unfair. Thanks so much! I'm already feeling better about the situation.

FromPenceToPrice · August 2009

I think you should be pretty brief and straight to the point--you asked her to be a bridesmaid because you want her to be there on your big day, but you need her to be positive and supportive during wedding events. If she doesn't think she's up for that, maybe it's better if she wasn't involved. Nobody wants to be around a debbie downer.

raspberiswrl · August 2009

Hi Meganrosej, I'm so sorry to hear she's behaved that way. What is she smoking thinking she can bring some guy to your bachelorette party?I think now more than ever is the time for honesty and straightforwardness. As one of the other posters said, you asked her because you wanted her to be a part of your day. However, if she can't behave appropriately and be supportive, do you want her there?I'm having issues with a bridesmaid as well. Let's hope we both get them resolved!By the way, you replied to my posting about seamstresses and said you used Nelda's? I was wondering what their prices were like if you don't mind my asking.

BM trouble, I could use some unbiased advice!

Re: BM trouble, I could use some unbiased advice!

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