Guidance Needed (Prayer Too!)

porky · June 2011

Hello everyone. I hope that everyone has had great week so far. I am trying to over an awful cold, and dealing with my aching body after spending last night working out.

I need some guidance. I got engaged last year in Niagara Falls. My FI planned the trip there, hired someone to photograph "the proposal," etc. It was one of the most memorable moments in my life. I immediately started planning our wedding.

My father was the pastor of a church and there was a lot of horrible things going on. Long story short, several members of the congregation turned against him and there were so many who did not speak out against him. People who defended my father - who only asked to become full-time and receive a salary after 20+ years of pastoring that church. My father felt that God was using this situation to get him out of a toxic place. The board offered him money to LEAVE. Because my father was collecting unemployment he accepted their offer.

Sorry to get off track. My youngest brother was deeply affected by this because he was friends with a young man and it was this young man's father who orchestrated this campaign against my father.

I am getting to my point, sorry. My brother met this young woman and they were friends first. They even fasted from each other when talk of relationships came up. They both felt that God was bringing them together. My brother talked about getting married and I asked that he not propose or get married around my wedding date. I am 12+ years older than my brother and have been looking forward to getting married for a very long time.

I cannot remember if my brother asked to talk to me before or after they were engaged, but he told me that he and his bride to be both felt God was giving them the date of their wedding and that it was 22 days before my wedding. He said that they prayed about it and that he wanted to discuss it with me first. I was thrilled for him and told him I did not mind (and at the time I did not).

I am now starting to feel a little resentful. I heard from my sister (who is my MOH) that my FSIL has selected the same bridesmaids dresses I have. We have to travel to get to her shower and wedding, when it will be crunch time for me.

I want to be happy for them, but feel the jealousy seeping in. It is tearing me up. How can I stay focused on supporting and loving them, when I am not feeling that on the inside? Is there something wrong with me??

Please pray for me!

SoonToBeGenao · June 2011

FI and I got engaged in Niagara too!

Anyway, in my opinion, if God is speaking a particular day or conviction into your brother and his fiancee, who are we to doubt them? I understand your feelings of jealousy and I believe that is totally normal. I will pray for you for a kind and understanding heart so you can focus on them and their special time, and I'm sure it will be reciprocated for you. There is nothing wrong with your feelings, but acting on those feelings would be the sin. Use your FI as a sholder to cry on, since I'm sure of anyone- he really understands it the most.

Praying

kellya01 · June 2011

I think sometimes people can say "God told me of this" as a crutch to excuse bad behavior. In today's society, you just don't do things that hurt another person, even if it's not sinful. Yes, he can choose to get married when he wants to, and they can have the BM dresses they want (etc), but to put their wedding SO close to a sibling who is older and a sibling who has had the wedding planned for a long time ... that isn't technically sinful or anything but it's VERY inconsiderate. The God issue aside, I'd be upset, angry, jealous (etc) too.

I'll pray for you to respond to this the best way you can and for you to take the higher road in all of it. Obviously people closest to you know that you guys had your wedding planned first, and now your brother and his FI are stomping all over it. However, the Christian in me says that we need to respond with love and not act on the emotions of anger and jealousy. I'll pray for you guys to respond how God would want you to respond. I still think you're within your Christian boundaries to tell your brother that you didn't speak up well at the time he asked, but that you are very hurt that he would move forward with a wedding so close to yours and that you want to be able to focus on his wedding during that time, but won't because yours is so close (etc).

One of my BM's got married (June 4) and we specifically called her to ask her how far away would be an appropriate amount of time so that they wouldn't feel like we were trying to take anything away from them. We settled on July 16. OVER 1 month away, and they were our first phone call when we were deciding on the wedding date. In your brother's shoes, I would have hoped that's what was done.

porky · June 2011

Thanks ladies. He told me the story of how they each received the same date and how they believe it was from God. They also prayed about it too. If God did give them this date, I am not standing in His way. My mother was also trying to convince them to move their date until after mine, but they were adamant that the Lord gave them September 17th as their wedding date.

I am happy for them, really, but with the stress I have going on and the fact that my summer has now become much busier, is really hitting me hard and making me feel resentful. I do not want to feel this way and know that this feelings are not from God.

Thank you for your prayers.

AshNoel8 · June 2011

I will pray. And nothing is wrong with you! I would have felt the same way. Just keep praying about it and trust God. It's not easy, but you are doing the right thing!

LittleBigO · June 2011

Absolutely nothing wrong with you!! I agree, if God told them a date, I think they should listen - but I can completely understand how you feel and am not downplaying that AT ALL. On that same not of trying not to downplay it - have you asked God what to do for your situation? I'm really not trying to be mean or un-understanding (is that a word?) - I just want to make sure everything is in His plan.

My sister got married March of 2010 and she's four years older than me. I got married May 1, 2011, a little over a year later, and I STILL felt like I was stepping on her toes even though she never was upset and she never felt like I was stealing her spotlight. I'm sure your brother feels awful for the date God gave him, but he also knows he better listen to God. Ya know? I know it's a tough situation, hang in there and keep praying. It'll all work out. Maybe the two of you can give each other tips on wedding planning? That way you're both happy for yourselves and each other.

Edited to add: Prayers are coming your way for peace and understanding!!

GJones27 · June 2011

Hmm... I dunno about the "coming from God" part. I'm Orthodox Christian, and in our faith tradition they always emphasize how you can't always tell if God is speaking to you. It can be the devil. It can be your selfishness. It can be mental illness in extreme cases. It takes a spiritually discerning eye to really know.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you being disappointed. I'd be too if I were in your shoes. I can't say what's going through their minds on this. But it's good to share with them how you feel. Maybe just share with your brother. I'm always for honesty, as long as it's nice. :-)

mrandmrsbrist · June 2011

So, I read through your post and I kind of knew where this was going...I don't have much to add beyond what PP's said.

I realize that having two weddings in one family so close together can cause problems. But please know, and realize, that you get one day. Not a month, not a year. One day.

porky · June 2011

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts with me. While I know that my wedding will only last for one day, it is the day I have been planning for over one year, the details of which I have shared with family and friends. For a sibling to get married a few weeks before me kind of hurts, not because I feel they will take attention away from me, but because I feel conflicted. My brother's wedding and bridal events (her shower) will essentially take time from my planning, adding to my already high stress level, and be require traveling out of state and incurring hotel expenses. I know it sounds like I am complaining, but I am not. I am torn between being truly happy my brother found someone and that they are marrying a few weeks before me.

I will continue to pray about this and how I should handle the situation.

Thank you all again.

Guidance Needed (Prayer Too!)

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