Snarky Brides

FMIL & Rehearsal Dinner (long)

So FMIL is "planning" the rehearsal dinner (and by planning I mean pretty much doing nothing...it's happening in 2 and a half weeks and she's called one place that she decided was too expensive with a $1000 minimum).  FI's first idea was a very casual bistro (Chatters) and has a long table but no private room.  I wanted something a bit nicer, as did FMIL, which is why she picked the expensive place (Brenner's).

She put a deposit down for Brenner's without talking to us first and then emailed me asking my opinion on the food - order off the menu or have a preset menu.  The info on the room was in her email and I saw that it had a max capacity of 12.  I was planning on more than 12 but of course she didn't bother to ask.  The 12 only includes family and the WP - me, my mom, dad, and stepdad, FMIL, FI, best man and groomsman (FI's son and cousin), MOH, and BM (my brother and the cousin's wife), ring bearer and flower girl (cousin's children).  I'm having a friend do a reading at the ceremony so of course I want her and her husband at the rehearsal dinner.  Also my brother is coming from LA with his band (they're playing other cities on the way) and they are playing a set at the reception, so I'd like them there too.  Lastly our officiant, who is both FI's best friend and my brother's best friend and whom FMIL cannot stand.  So that's 18.  Her response to this was -

Wow, I was not expecting that many. If we have to include them then we have to go somewhere cheaper. I thought you were having a DJ. I didn't know your brother's band was playing. Sorry but after giving myself a birthday present my budget is limited.

The birthday present was botox.  I found another place that has a $500 minimum, has enough room for everyone, and is a nice, moderlately priced restaurant.  I sent her this info asking her what she thought.  Her response (bolded parts done by me) -

Thanks. I think it would be easier if it is closer and that Chatters will be fine. I will call them tomorrow. This is the place that Ron chose in the first place and it has special meaning to him and the food is good so I think it will be fine. It was his first choice. They have a huge room in the back that we can probably have if available. I don't think anyone is going to eat that much worrying about fitting into their clothes the next day. I was just thinking and hoping that this would be a more intimate evening for family and immediate wedding party before all of the chaos and stress of the wedding day.

1 - The restaurant is only closer to her.
2 - People worrying about fitting into their clothes?  Really? Probably just her...she's searching for her third dress for the wedding since she's outgrown the first two.
3 - The immediate wedding party pretty much is family and mostly hers.
4- She has had no involvement in planning whatsoever so I'm not sure what chaos and stress she has in mind.

I am so frustrated and don't know how to handle this.  Bite my tongue and let her do what she wants even though it excludes people I think should be there?  Say something about it to her?  I'm reluctant to to do this because she's pretty bitchy and I really don't want make waves.  Help!
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Re: FMIL & Rehearsal Dinner (long)

  • Well, since she is paying for the RD, she gets to pick where to have it and such.  If you want to have it somewhere else, then you need to pay for it.

    Does your FMIL sound like the easiest person to work with/communicate with?  No.  However, it doesn't change the fact that she's paying so she gets to call the shots.
    image
  • its your FI's mother. If you have a serious issue here have him talk to her. If she's paying.. its her show. You can't do much about it. But if you must- have FI do it.

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  • Okay, it sounds like she is choosing the place that you like right? So, where's the problem?
    And the whole time, my future husband was in the room...... image image
  • If you want to have it somewhere else, fork up the money yourself.
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  • So the RD is where you want, with the food you want, and includes all the people you want? I don't see the problem. Your FMIL sounds difficult (and the fitting into their clothes part is ridiculous), but it's working out in your favor, right? Or am I missing something?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fmil-rehearsal-dinner-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:98132585-9baa-4f9b-a645-a637c9e7c794Post:cddd1953-945b-4af2-b853-c611ddc4dd70">Re: FMIL & Rehearsal Dinner (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay, it sounds like she is choosing the place that you like right? So, where's the problem?
    Posted by MISSCOURTNEY20[/QUOTE]
    She's not choosing the place that I like (overall not a huge problem).  And she's excluding people who are part of the wedding, which I see as a big problem and really just plain rude.  Yeah, she's paying so it's ultimately her decision, but I wish she would at least take into consideration the things that FI and I would like rather than just doing whatever the hell she wants.  That would be like me telling he she couldn't invite who she wanted to the wedding since my dad is paying (her initial list was 40 or so people and we didn't want more than 100 or so total).

    And I have asked FI to talk to her, with no luck thus far.  He'd rather just ignore it.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fmil-rehearsal-dinner-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:98132585-9baa-4f9b-a645-a637c9e7c794Post:419a50fa-78a8-4fbd-aa02-246a4e7bd348">Re: FMIL & Rehearsal Dinner (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]So the RD is where you want, with the food you want, and includes all the people you want? I don't see the problem. Your FMIL sounds difficult (and the fitting into their clothes part is ridiculous), but it's working out in your favor, right? Or am I missing something?
    Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>I don't think you are.. I think this is a "complain for the sake of complaining" post.</div>

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  • I don't get it
    imageimage
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fmil-rehearsal-dinner-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:98132585-9baa-4f9b-a645-a637c9e7c794Post:408dde92-33cd-4f75-a19e-b752d97efe48">Re: FMIL & Rehearsal Dinner (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL & Rehearsal Dinner (long) : She's not choosing the place that I like (overall not a huge problem).  And she's excluding people who are part of the wedding, which I see as a big problem and really just plain rude.  Yeah, she's paying so it's ultimately her decision, but I wish she would at least take into consideration the things that FI and I would like rather than just doing whatever the hell she wants.  That would be like me telling he she couldn't invite who she wanted to the wedding since my dad is paying (her initial list was 40 or so people and we didn't want more than 100 or so total). And I have asked FI to talk to her, with no luck thus far.  He'd rather just ignore it.
    Posted by suze423[/QUOTE]

    Okay now I am lost. It looked like you said that when you sent the suggestion for the other place, she said okay. No?
    And the whole time, my future husband was in the room...... image image
  • I think Chatters is the place her FI wanted, but OP and FMIL wanted a nicer place with a private room.  Chatters only has a long table.

    It seems like she's compromising by having the people you want there but still sticking within her budget, which is reasonable of her.  If you want it to be nicer and with all of the people you want, you will have to pay the extra. 
  • Sorry if my post was confusing but she didn't ok my suggestion.  She wants the other place and the "immediate wedding party" doesn't include my friend doing the reading, the officiant, and my brother's bandmates.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fmil-rehearsal-dinner-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:98132585-9baa-4f9b-a645-a637c9e7c794Post:1cc75cfb-af2a-4a85-bd6d-2def3b87f43f">FMIL & Rehearsal Dinner (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]So FMIL is "planning" the rehearsal dinner (and by planning I mean pretty much doing nothing...it's happening in 2 and a half weeks and she's called one place that she decided was too expensive with a $1000 minimum).  FI's first idea was a very casual bistro (Chatters) and has a long table but no private room.  I wanted something a bit nicer, as did FMIL, which is why she picked the expensive place (Brenner's). She put a deposit down for Brenner's without talking to us first and then emailed me asking my opinion on the food - order off the menu or have a preset menu.  The info on the room was in her email and I saw that it had a max capacity of 12.  I was planning on more than 12 but of course she didn't bother to ask.  The 12 only includes family and the WP - me, my mom, dad, and stepdad, FMIL, FI, best man and groomsman (FI's son and cousin), MOH, and BM (my brother and the cousin's wife), ring bearer and flower girl (cousin's children).  I'm having a friend do a reading at the ceremony so of course I want her and her husband at the rehearsal dinner.  Also my brother is coming from LA with his band (they're playing other cities on the way) and they are playing a set at the reception, so I'd like them there too.  Lastly our officiant, who is both FI's best friend and my brother's best friend and whom FMIL cannot stand.  So that's 18.  Her response to this was - Wow, I was not expecting that many. If we have to include them then we have to go somewhere cheaper. I thought you were having a DJ. I didn't know your brother's band was playing. Sorry but after giving myself a birthday present my budget is limited. The birthday present was botox.  I found another place that has a $500 minimum, has enough room for everyone, and is a nice, moderlately priced restaurant.  I sent her this info asking her what she thought.  Her response (bolded parts done by me) - Thanks. I think it would be easier if it is closer and that Chatters will be fine. I will call them tomorrow. This is the place that Ron chose in the first place and it has special meaning to him and the food is good so I think it will be fine. It was his first choice. They have a huge room in the back that we can probably have if available. I don't think anyone is going to eat that much worrying about fitting into their clothes the next day. I was just thinking and hoping that this would be a more intimate evening for family and immediate wedding party before all of the chaos and stress of the wedding day. 1 - The restaurant is only closer to her. 2 - People worrying about fitting into their clothes?  Really? Probably just her...she's searching for her third dress for the wedding since she's outgrown the first two. 3 - The immediate wedding party pretty much is family and mostly hers. 4- She has had no involvement in planning whatsoever so I'm not sure what chaos and stress she has in mind. I am so frustrated and don't know how to handle this.  Bite my tongue and let her do what she wants even though it excludes people I think should be there?  Say something about it to her?  I'm reluctant to to do this because she's pretty bitchy and I really don't want make waves.  Help!
    Posted by suze423[/QUOTE]
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fmil-rehearsal-dinner-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:98132585-9baa-4f9b-a645-a637c9e7c794Post:b3b1c2a0-c763-4b12-8ce2-780eabb7ca05">Re: FMIL & Rehearsal Dinner (long)</a>:
    If she's paying she gets to make the decisions.  If you want ti hold it somewhere else or invite different people you can plan and pay for it.

    Also, what does it matter what her birthday present to herself was?  It's her money she can do with it as she pleases.  It's none of your business.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
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    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fmil-rehearsal-dinner-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:98132585-9baa-4f9b-a645-a637c9e7c794Post:408dde92-33cd-4f75-a19e-b752d97efe48">Re: FMIL & Rehearsal Dinner (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL & Rehearsal Dinner (long) : She's not choosing the place that I like (overall not a huge problem).  <strong>And she's excluding people who are part of the wedding, which I see as a big problem and really just plain rude.</strong>  Yeah, she's paying so it's ultimately her decision, but I wish she would at least take into consideration the things that FI and I would like rather than just doing whatever the hell she wants.  That would be like me telling he she couldn't invite who she wanted to the wedding since my dad is paying (her initial list was 40 or so people and we didn't want more than 100 or so total). And I have asked FI to talk to her, with no luck thus far.  He'd rather just ignore it.
    Posted by suze423[/QUOTE]

    I thought she was choosing Chatters specifically because you added more people than she expected and needed to have it somewhere cheaper.  I'm lost now.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fmil-rehearsal-dinner-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:98132585-9baa-4f9b-a645-a637c9e7c794Post:97b044c2-4797-4af2-8f88-9809d4847e17">Re: FMIL & Rehearsal Dinner (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL & Rehearsal Dinner (long) : I don't think you are.. I think this is a "complain for the sake of complaining" post.
    Posted by Starmusica[/QUOTE]

    Silly me. That's what I get for skimming.

    I'm so lost. I need SparkNotes for this novel. It has too many plot twists for me.
  • I'm pretty sure OP wanted the RD at a nicer restaurant rather than Chatters which is a casual bistro, and now they are having it there; however that is neither here nor there. At this point I think you should just let it go. It looks like your only choices here are either:

    a) More upscale venue with fewer family & friends
    b) More casual venue with more family & friends

    I think you're getting the better end of the deal. Your FMIL sounds like a wacky woman but if she's paying for the RD then she gets the final say in how it goes down. What does your FI have to say about all of this? This woman is about to be in your life forever so you might want to start really considering how you and your FH are going to deal with her in the future.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fmil-rehearsal-dinner-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:98132585-9baa-4f9b-a645-a637c9e7c794Post:8b7881b3-87a9-40fc-b6a5-192198d945a2">Re: FMIL & Rehearsal Dinner (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Also, what does it matter what her birthday present to herself was?  It's her money she can do with it as she pleases.  It's none of your business.
    Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]
    It doesn't.  My only point in including that is that it's pricey, hence the budget cut.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fmil-rehearsal-dinner-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:98132585-9baa-4f9b-a645-a637c9e7c794Post:f0b336f4-66e6-4ca8-858a-3d2c9c3f251e">Re: FMIL & Rehearsal Dinner (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL & Rehearsal Dinner (long) : It doesn't.  My only point in including that is that it's pricey, hence the budget cut.
    Posted by suze423[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>I still don't see the relevance. Bottom Line- its HER MONEY. if you don't like the budget... pay it yourself.</div>

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fmil-rehearsal-dinner-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:98132585-9baa-4f9b-a645-a637c9e7c794Post:85e25fa5-4ec7-4360-89fd-3f69b7ece4e8">Re: FMIL & Rehearsal Dinner (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL & Rehearsal Dinner (long) : I still don't see the relevance. Bottom Line- its HER MONEY. if you don't like the budget... pay it yourself.
    Posted by Starmusica[/QUOTE]
    Thank you.  I thought maybe I was still missing something.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
    image
    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fmil-rehearsal-dinner-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:98132585-9baa-4f9b-a645-a637c9e7c794Post:0b9ba262-57db-4135-9f9f-c96cdec757d9">Re: FMIL & Rehearsal Dinner (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm pretty sure OP wanted the RD at a nicer restaurant rather than Chatters which is a casual bistro, and now they are having it there; however that is neither here nor there. At this point I think you should just let it go. It looks like your only choices here are either: a) More upscale venue with fewer family & friends b) More casual venue with more family & friends I think you're getting the better end of the deal. Your FMIL sounds like a wacky woman but if she's paying for the RD then she gets the final say in how it goes down. What does your FI have to say about all of this? This woman is about to be in your life forever so you might want to start really considering how you and your FH are going to deal with her in the future.
    Posted by JennaV26[/QUOTE]
    FI doesn't say much.  His standard response to his mom's behavior is "that's just how she is."
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fmil-rehearsal-dinner-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:98132585-9baa-4f9b-a645-a637c9e7c794Post:6b369698-2b3f-4984-99cd-fec3a395d158">Re: FMIL & Rehearsal Dinner (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh yeah, and as someone who had frozen lasagna in the community building across from the church because we had to feed 40 people on our OWN dime, I think you kind of sound like a spoiled brat.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
    Can I plus one this, but switch out "frozen lasagna" with "pizza and wings" and "church" with "parents' backyard"?
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
    image
    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
    my read shelf:
    Betrothed 123's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • Well, what I take from this is that she's also not including dates/spouses of the WP, which is a faux pas.

    I have to opposite problem. FMIL wants to spend an insane amount of money on the RD. Like, we'll have more food there than we will at the wedding. But I'm for sure not going to worry about fitting into my dress.
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  • OP:  you do sound selfish.  It sounds like your FMIL is willing to have hte dinner at the cheaper restaurant and include everyone you want.  So what is the problem?  And that's the restaurant your FI wanted in the first place, so this sounds like everyone is getting what they want, but you are still not happy.

    It sounds like what you really want is for your FMIL to pay more to have it at the fancy restaurant.  If that is what you want, pay for it yourself.  I think your FMIL is being very accomodating and is very generous to spend $1K on a dinner for 20 people.  That's a lot of money and very nice of her to help you guys out.  Yet you are still complaining, which makes you sound selfish and ungrateful.

    We did our RD for 30 people + 10 kids at a nice pizzeria and it cost us about $500 (including beer).  It can be done.  And we also paid for our entire wedding ourselves.
  • My advice is to let it go. I'm sure the RD will be great and everyone will have fun no matter where you are at. I don't think that you sound selfish - the one I find selfish is the fmil (buying herself a bday present of botox... LOL) Good luck but I'm sure it'll be great.
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  • suze423suze423 member
    First Comment
    edited October 2010
    No, she moved it to spend less money, to have it at as place that is closer and more convenient to her, and because it was FI's first choice. She still doesn't want the extra people and that really hurts my feelings since they are people who are important to me.

    Since writing this post FI has told me Chatters is really wants and that it's his favorite restaurant, something he hadn't said before; prior to today he acted pretty indifferent.  Not what I wanted but as much as I would like to I know I can't always get my way and I can let it go for him.
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