BRIDESMAID DILEMMA

Shaki · August 2009

OK tell me if I am wrong or not..I know you are suppose to have your sisters as your bridesmaids when you get married and what not. But I dont get along with my younger sister like its to the point we rarely talk to each other. I already know how she is and if i have her in my wedding she is going to be miserable th whole time. When I told her she was going to be in the wedding she was like oh, and then I told her the kind of dresses I want the girls to wear and she was like ugh you have no taste in dresses all because i told her she couldnt have her cleavage hanging out. I already told my mom I dont want her in there. DO you guys think im wrong for not wanting her in my wedding? I mean its my day and I dont want anyone in it thats going to ruin it for me, she is just a miserable person, and I would love to avoid the stress and headache .Just let me know what u think guys. thanks

mbcdefg · August 2009

You're not "supposed" to have your sisters in your wedding. You should have your closest friends. Some families feel that siblings are a given, yes, but that's not a mandatory rule. If you truly don't want your sister as a bridesmaid, then your family just needs to deal with it. However, it sounds like you already asked her (well, actually, it sounds like you TOLD her, which might be part of the reason she's in a bad mood about it). So it'd cause you MORE problems now to kick her out when she's really done nothing to deserve it. If you knew she was miserable from the start, then you shouldn't have asked her to be a BM ... but you did, and it'd be rude (and will cause a HUGE amount of drama) if you boot her out now just because you didn't think ahead. And realize that the "It's my day!" argument only goes so far. Once you decide to have the kind of wedding that involves other people (as opposed to eloping), then that means that other people's feelings now need to be taken into consideration. The wedding may be yours, but the entire day is not. "It's my day" doesn't give you carte blanche to expect people to do whatever you want with a smile on their faces. Your wedding's still a year away. Chill out for a while and stop talking with your sister about it. When it's time to go dress shopping in a few months, let all the BMs try on some different dresses and see what they like. Consider letting them get slightly different styles, from the designer/color/skirt length/fabric that you pick out, so that you get uniformity while they get to be individually confortable. If your sister refuses to come to the shopping trips, assuming that you didn't schedule it for a time when she can't make it, then she loses input on the dress. Expect nothing more from her than to get the dress and stand up in the wedding, and you will likely not be disappointed (and will be pleasantly surprised if she chooses to do more). Don't expect or ask her to help with the planning, or plan/attend any showers or bachelorette parties for you. If she comes, great. If not, oh well. She's not required to do so.

kann2559 · August 2009

If you didn't want her in your BP, then you shouldn't have asked her. You can't kick your own sister out of the BP without ruining a lifelong relationship. It's your day, but it will effect the rest of your life.

Shaki · August 2009

kann2559-- my mom was the one who told her first, i wasnt going to say anything until i was sure and then she had the nerve to tell my mom is my boyfriend going to be one of the groomsmen and my mom laughed and said no. and she was like ugh.. but she doesnt like me or my other sister. like i cant even begin to explain . since she has been haning with the people she has been hanging with she has changed. she doesnt even care about it at all.. i havent talked to her about the wedding since i mentioned the dress thing.

mbcdefg · August 2009

Then you should've nipped it in the bud from the beginning. But anyway, it will cause more drama at this point to kick her out, especially when she's really done nothing wrong. Bridesmaids aren't required to be cheerful all the time. Again - give her some input on the dress when you go shopping, but stick to the overall look (color, formality, length, etc.) that YOU want. Throwing her a bone like letting her pick out her own neckline or straps/no straps might be enough to shut her up. If she doesn't buy the dress on time, then she's removed herself from the wedding and you didn't have to do a thing about it (and therefore won't come across as a bridezilla to your family by kicking her out).How old are you, and how old is she? Sometimes age makes a big difference in a situation like this.

Shaki · August 2009

mbcdefg-- like i said to kann-- im not the one who told her about it my mom was the one who opened her mouth about it, like im demanding or anything like when it comes to their dresses and stuff like i want them to have different styles but she thinks having her chest exposed is cute and whenever anyone tells her about it she gets angry . it makes her look disgusting.. im going to have a talk with her and tell her i chose someone else, i know she doesnt care at all about being in the wedding.. like right now her spot is open and i will think about it when it comes closer to the wedding... she is only going to be 17 when i get married so im not asking for her help with anything.. thanks for your advice guys!! i appreciate it

Shaki · August 2009

i just turned 20 and she is going to be 17 in septemeber..its not only the dress that she is pissed about she just dont care. like even when my mom told her she didnt even seem interested.. and i cant even talk to her because she stresses me out .. just being in the same room with her.. its like that badddd!!

mbcdefg · August 2009

mbcdefg-- like i said to kann-- im not the one who told her about it my mom was the one who opened her mouth about itOK, but like I said in the original post, you had the option in the beginning to correct her. but she thinks having her chest exposed is cute and whenever anyone tells her about it she gets angry. it makes her look disgusting.. So then you have veto power over whatever dress she picks. If she gets angry, tough. She can eitehr wear something appropriate or remove herself from the wedding. im going to have a talk with her and tell her i chose someone else, i know she doesnt care at all about being in the wedding.. like right now her spot is open and i will think about it when it comes closer to the wedding... This is insulting to your sister, because she's done nothing wrong. AND it's insulting to your replacement, because you're only asking her now that a "spot" is open. You're not casting roles in a play, you're supposed to be honoring people who are close to you. You're going to come across as a shallow, immature bridezilla if you boot her and replace her, so for your own reputation you ought to reconsider. she is only going to be 17 when i get married so im not asking for her help with anything.. She's SEVENTEEN. Seventeen year-old girls are, by nature, annoying little brats who think they know everything about everything. By kicking her out of your wedding (when, again, she's done nothing wrong), you will be opening a giant can of worms and unleashing drama and hurt feelings for years. You really want to do that just because a 17 year-old isn't showing more enthuasiam for a 20 year-old's wedding that's a year away? You've got to look at the big picture instead of spending your time pouting that she's a pain in the butt as a teenager. You're barely free of being a teenager yourself ... surely you remember what it was like to be her age. Teenage girls are ALWAYS in a pissy mood and have horrible fashion sense and argue with people for no reason. It's a PHASE. Phases don't last. Grudges over being kicked out of your own sister's wedding DO last.

Shaki · August 2009

i understand what you mean . but i was totally different to her when i was 17. im not being a bridezilla, thats the only thing thats bothering me about my wedding planning. trust me if you met my sister u would understand what i am talking about. just typing about it sounds bad. you know? she feels like if she is in it she is going to tell me who i should have it in it and what not.. also my fiance is white and i dont like the way she talks like white people this and white people that and me and my mother have told her about it... i dont need that crap on my wedding day. so do u think im being a bridezilla now? i know its not a casting call im just leaving it open right now just in case i decide to change my mind u know. i mean who knows she could have a chance of being in it if she changes which i doubt.

Shaki · August 2009

but thank you very much for ur input

mbcdefg · August 2009

I was nice to my sister when I was 17 and she was 14, but she still treated me like dirt. It didn't change until she went away to college and I moved out of the house. Now we're 22 and 25 and good friends. I don't know why you posted this and asked for advice if you're just going to do whatever you wanted to do in the first place. I think you'd be making a big mistake to kick her out, and you'll just be making it even more miserable on yourself. You still have a year. My best advice at this point, if you're still intent on doing whatever you want regardless of what happens, is to at least let things chill out for a while. Again - if you take her dress shopping and she won't comply with your wishes, then she'll have taken herself out of the wedding party.But, whatever. If you're gung-ho on kicking her out, at least report back here in the coming months and let us know how she took it. Hopefully she won't be an even bigger witch to you out of anger for booting her out of your wedding.

agk0125 · August 2009

It's obvious you're going to do whatever you want anyway since everyone said let her stay and you said "I"ll just tell her I replaced her," but I'm going to try and change your mind.Yes, your mom was out of line to tell her she was in the bridal party. You didn't correct the situation, so now you have your sister for better or for worse. I wouldn't even bother talking to her about it until the wedding is much closer, maybe her attitude will change by then. Like the other posters said, if she doesn't order the dress then she is removing herself from the wedding. That would be her decision not yours. And if this happens PLEASE don't replace her. It will only be insulting to the person you're using to "fill the spot."What you could do at this point is sit her down and talk to her about it. Say "I know mom told you you were in the wedding, but what she really should have done is asked you if you wanted to be a part of it. Would you like to be my bridesmaid?" She may remove herself then and there. If she says yes keep her. She's your sister and she won't be a raging teenager for that much longer. Just deal with it.

Shaki · August 2009

im going to take ur advice and wait for awhile and see how things go.

Shaki · August 2009

agk0125--i will sit down with her and ask her if she wants to be in the wedding... if she says no then thats on her.. well hopefully she grows out of this thing, or at least leave all the friends she hangs out with... thats the main reason she is the way she is.. im going to just see how things go u know guys. thank u very much.

kann2559 · August 2009

If she backs down, then that's great for you. If you kick her out, you will look bad. Plus, she will probably make you look even worse on the big day. People will ask her why she isn't a BM, and she will tell them that you kicked her out. If you don't talk to her, then just email her dress information. If she doesn't get a dress, then she isn't in the wedding. My sisters and I are not always very close, and my older sister and I had huge problems when I was 17 and she was 20 planning her wedding. She didn't kick me out, and we are close now. All I am saying is that she is your sister. She will be in your life forever, whether you are close with her or not.

Shaki · August 2009

u are right kann

ffmaid · August 2009

Ditto MbdgYou made a mistake when you allowed what you mom saying she was in the wedding party to stand. All she has to do is get a dress by your specifications and walk in the processional on your wedding day. She is 17 and a brat. We all understand that but kicking your sister out of your wedding party changes the drynamic from sister is a brat to you as a bride do not care about your family. You did not have to have her but now that you have her by agreeing that she was a bm you can not get rid of her without lifelong reprecussions. Also rememeber that in 10 years when you are 30 and 27 she might be your closest pal

kmmssg · August 2009

I like Retread's suggestion a lot, but I'm going in a bit different direction. I had 4 DD's and there was a 5 yr span in their ages. I think you should talk to your mom and then you should talk to your sister. Your mom opened this can of worms. She needs to know that. I would talk to your mom and tell her that you are going to talk to your sister (insert Retread's approach here). In turn, mom will have a come to Jesus meeting with your sister and lay the law down as far as the attitude WILL be lost now, and she is to play nice in the sandbox. That is exactly what I would say to my younger DD if she tried that crap, but I wouldn't have opened the can of worms in the first place. Yes, she is 17 but that only goes so far. She is part of the family and has a responsibility to act like it. She is free to step down if she wishes, or she can step up to the plate and cover her boobs, quit complaining and move along as a BM. She doesn't have to do a thing but show up at the wedding with her "girls" neatly tucked in her dress and smile for pictures. Have no expectations of her as far as helping or showers or anything else. I had more than one come to Jesus with my girls when their attitudes were making everyone else's lives Hell. Like I said, she is 17 - if there are no higher expecations for her then she won't live up to them. Does that make sense?Yes, she is in the wedding, but you CAN take some action here.

aerinpegadrak · August 2009

I'm not going to reiterate what those older and wiser than me have said, but I will say that I've heard people tell of old family drama that has torn their entire extended family apart for fifty years (or more!)... which all began with a sibling getting kicked out of a wedding party.Don't talk wedding with her unless you absolutely need to, and I mean from right now until you're back from the honeymoon. She honestly probably doesn't want to hear it. I know I didn't want to hear about my sister's wedding when I was 17, and we were fairly close. You're only making the situation worse by continually bringing it up.

bablingbrooke · August 2009

My sister and I don't get along. She was my MOH and acted like a total brat. I just didn't try to involve her, she fulfilled her minimal obligations, I did all the fun pre-wedding stuff with my other BMs and have no regrets that she was in my wedding. It was absolutely perfect. Her behaviour had no impact. Result? I look like the bigger person for putting up with her sh!t, having a good time despite her brattiness, and involving my sister in such a momentous occasion. If I'd kicked her out (even though she probably deserved it), I would have looked back. People don't give the bride the benefit of the doubt in these things. Especially with family.

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