Invite to reception but not ceremony

Bublee86 · August 2010

I need your advice!

My future mother in law is 1 of 13 children and my mother's side is large as well, so we are looking at a guest list of 200+ people. Even cutting down and planning on people not being able attend we are looking at 175.

My dream ceremony location can only hold 150. Our reception hall can hold 300, so my question is this....is it rude to invite some to the ceremony and not all? Is inviting someone to only the reception a slap in the face or something that is practiced regularly?

angie74 · August 2010

I would be really offended, personally. there are other people that say differently, but I think it's tacky.

It's one thing if you're having a small (read: FAMILY ONLY) private ceremony, then a blow out reception... but 150 isn't small.

Julz629 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-reception-but-not-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d011706-08de-4cb1-adce-965756f97eadPost:78cd9653-d83b-4235-ad6e-667ad988720c">Invite to reception but not ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]I need your advice! My future mother in law is 1 of 13 children and my mother's side is large as well, so we are looking at a guest list of 200+ people. Even cutting down and planning on people not being able attend we are looking at 175. My dream ceremony location can only hold 150. Our reception hall can hold 300, <strong>so my question is this....is it rude to invite some to the ceremony and not all?</strong> Is inviting someone to only the reception a slap in the face or something that is practiced regularly?
Posted by Bublee86[/QUOTE]

Yes, this is rude. Some people won't be offended, but it is generally frowned upon. If I got invited to just the reception, I would decline.

ohwhynot · August 2010

If you had a tiny private ceremony (only your parents, siblings, and maybe grandparents), it's a lot more acceptable.

But saying that 150 people can attend the ceremony but 25-75 people don't make that cut is extremely rude.

Mrs.B6302007 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-reception-but-not-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d011706-08de-4cb1-adce-965756f97eadPost:78cd9653-d83b-4235-ad6e-667ad988720c">Invite to reception but not ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]I need your advice! My future mother in law is 1 of 13 children and my mother's side is large as well, so we are looking at a guest list of 200+ people. Even cutting down and planning on people not being able attend we are looking at 175. My dream ceremony location can only hold 150. Our reception hall can hold 300, so my question is this....is it rude to invite some to the ceremony and not all? Is inviting someone to only the reception a slap in the face or something that is practiced regularly?
Posted by Bublee86[/QUOTE]

Completely rude. Please don't do this.
Super intimate ceremonies (family only or something along the lines of <25 guests) and then large reception is alright but not 50% of your guest list.

danieliza1127 · August 2010

Usually the way it's best received is if you keep the ceremony really small, like parents and siblings only, and then have the huge reception. That way the 25 out of 200 people who couldn't come to the ceremony don't feel AS singled out.

Mrs.B6302007 · August 2010

OWN - I love the new siggy pic. Last one was gorgeous, too. Are you changing them once a week so we can see them all? ;-)

baystateapple · August 2010

Look at it this way...would YOU want to be one of the 25 people not invited to the ceremony? I'd think not. If you wouldn't like it done to you, don't do it to your friends.

JenO24 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-reception-but-not-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d011706-08de-4cb1-adce-965756f97eadPost:f1810575-557e-43f1-966d-aca50810a65f">Re: Invite to reception but not ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]If you had a tiny private ceremony (only your parents, siblings, and maybe grandparents), it's a lot more acceptable. But saying that 150 people can attend the ceremony but 25-75 people don't make that cut is extremely rude.
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]

EXACTLY THIS!!!

LuluP82 · August 2010

What you could do....if your ceremony is short...is invite everyone. A lot of times, people don't go to the ceremony for lots of reasons (running late, etc). And if it'short, I personally dont' see a big deal in not having enough seats for everyone. I've been to some weddings where the church was a bit small, and so people just kind of stood in the back. I even went to a full Catholic Mass in Mexico (read-- it was longer than full wedding masses here, more like 2 hours) and there were too many guests. People kindly let the older guests and the women in heels sit, and there were lots of men standing around the sides.

Is it ideal? NOPE. But I don't think it's the same as, say, not having a chair for every butt at a dinner reception. I've seen it before, and it's not a HUGE deal. Probs better than insulting 25 of your guests.

Bublee86 · August 2010

Maybe I should have been more specific, I wouldn't invite the full 150, it would be a small group of people (parents, siblings, g.parents, and our bestest of friends) as everyone suggested.

I just wanted to make sure it wasn't rude for the other 175 guests to only be invited to the reception.

opalsky007 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-reception-but-not-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d011706-08de-4cb1-adce-965756f97eadPost:a5583693-3d21-49e2-90b2-ee43f046bca9">Re: Invite to reception but not ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]What you could do....if your ceremony is short...is invite everyone. A lot of times, people don't go to the ceremony for lots of reasons (running late, etc). And if it'short, I personally dont' see a big deal in not having enough seats for everyone. I've been to some weddings where the church was a bit small, and so people just kind of stood in the back. I even went to a full Catholic Mass in Mexico (read-- it was longer than full wedding masses here, more like 2 hours) and there were too many guests. People kindly let the older guests and the women in heels sit, and there were lots of men standing around the sides. Is it ideal? NOPE. But I don't think it's the same as, say, not having a chair for every butt at a dinner reception. I've seen it before, and it's not a HUGE deal. Probs better than insulting 25 of your guests.
Posted by LuluP82[/QUOTE]

Yeah, people sometimes come late or don't make it at all. But others, like myself, show up early, and could wind up standing around for as much as an hour. Besides, I've never been to a wedding that actually started on time. Please don't do this.

JanoBean75 · August 2010

FI's father remarried two years ago and had a very small ceremony -- her parents and kids, her aunt, FI and me -- and then had a bigger reception. In this case, it's fine. But don't invite 150 to the ceremony and 175 to the dinner. Those 25 will feel slighted because they were slighted.

danieliza1127 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-reception-but-not-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d011706-08de-4cb1-adce-965756f97eadPost:aa241630-2a8d-4415-92c6-acb0f07d62ac">Re: Invite to reception but not ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe I should have been more specific, I wouldn't invite the full 150, it would be a small group of people (parents, siblings, g.parents, and our bestest of friends) as everyone suggested. I just wanted to make sure it wasn't rude for the other 175 guests to only be invited to the reception.
Posted by Bublee86[/QUOTE]

Yeah I think you'd be okay doing it that way.

shaydenise · August 2010

Yes this is rude. We received and invitation like this and we were really offended. The whole point of a wedding is that two people are getting married. If we aren't invited to the marriage ceremony to actually see the two people getting married and are only invited to the reception, it's just another party. And it isn't the perfect location if it doesn't hold all of your guests.

LuluP82 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-reception-but-not-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d011706-08de-4cb1-adce-965756f97eadPost:fe813a8a-c692-4629-9deb-5c2285ddceb6">Re: Invite to reception but not ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Invite to reception but not ceremony : Yeah, people sometimes come late or don't make it at all. But others, like myself, show up early, and could wind up standing around for as much as an hour. Besides, I've never been to a wedding that actually started on time. Please don't do this.
Posted by opalsky007[/QUOTE]

I'm not saying it's ideal...and obviously, if you have a venue that holds 50 and you invite 150, it's a huge problem. But, I've been to lots of really, really large weddings, where the couple's home church was just not as big as, say, the ballroom. In those cases, some people do end up standing during the ceremony. It's not a half the guest list--it's usually just a few people. But it happens. At my home church, people are usually standing around during regular Mass at popular Mass times-- it's a big church, just also a big parish.

I'm also Hispanic and Catholic-- weddings tend to be very large and held in whatever church the family attends. It's not an option to just "pick a bigger venue." I had a HUGE problem finding a church for our Catholic ceremony, because we moved and want to have it where we live now. Priests do not want to marry you if you're not a member of the parish already. So, for lots of couples, picking a different ceremony site is just NOT an option.

I've had to stand at tons of weddings. And graduations held in churches. Especially if I arrived on time, and not early. It is what it is. I don't think it's worth losing sleep over.

Britty2010 · August 2010

I dont think this is rude at all. Ive seen it done before. Especially if your ceremony is going to be so intimate. Many people come to just the recption anyways.... Every wedding is different. You should plan it how you would like it to be. If every wedding was the same it wouldnt be so personal and special. Anyways, I think you should have the ceremony at your dream location. It's your day..

loop0406 · August 2010

If I wasn't a close relative, I wouldn't be offended to just be invited to the reception...

BeeBee22 · August 2010

You can do whatever you like, but the simple fact is (as this is the etiquette board) - it's rude to invite people to the reception and not the ceremony, no matter what the circumstances. The reception is to thank your guests for attending THE CEREMONY, and thereby expressing support for the marriage. If they're not invited to the ceremony...

It's not the ideal location if it doesn't hold all of the people you want to invite.

TTiger03 · August 2010

If you do choose to have an "immediate family only" ceremony just be sure to word your reception invitations carefully and maybe put a few hours between your ceremony and reception if you can. You don't want it to seem like anyone is missing something. You might say they are invited to "celebrate the union of jack and jill".

For those saying a reception only invite is rude, what about those destination weddings where only a handful of relatives attend, but a hometown reception is held?

All in all, this isn't nearly as rude a my friend who invited 150 to the ceremony and then hand delivered 10 of those invitations (15 guests) and told them they weren't invited to the reception unless other people declined. I was mortified. I was the maid of honor and was invited to both, but couldn't believe her nerve. Her MIL was also none to pleased and threw a hissy fit about 15 minutes before the processional that the guest book was at the reception venue and those that didn't get invited to the reception (30 minutes after the wedding) weren't going to be able to sign the guest book. She want me to go get the book. I was still not dressed and was under the bride's gown fluffing tulle at the time.

On top of all that, the bride was upset that a couple of friends who weren't invited to the reception didn't bring gifts to the ceremony. --- She was a real class act..... I still don't really know why I accepted to be her maid of honor except I love weddings.

lharri12 · August 2010

Don't listen to LuLu. Often, the maximum capacity at venues is not just due to the number of seats available, but FIRE CODES.
What you described (having only immediate family and a few friends) at the ceremony and then a larger reception is pretty acceptable, although some people will inevitably feel a little slighted, so be prepared for that. It would help if you explicitly stated on the invite that it will be a very small, intimate ceremony.

starrynight1658 · August 2010

FI and I are having a small ceremony (parents, siblings, grandparents) for several reasons, and we're having a larger reception for 150 people. We've had a few relatives feel slighted by this, but when we explain our reasoning, most have been completely gracious and understanding. However, you have to make sure that you're firm and consistent in terms of who's invited to the ceremony. If Aunt Sally throws a fit and you invite her out of exasperation, that's not fair to Aunt Sue who isn't throwing a fit. Also, as TTiger03 said, be careful about how you word your invites. The people invited to the ceremony received ones that were more "traditionally" worded, while everyone else received invites that invited them to "celebrate our marriage".

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