Ugh...what would you do? Warning- LONG.

Re: Ugh...what would you do? Warning- LONG.

• em01092 member

  

  February 2012 edited February 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2012-weddings_ughwhat-would-you-do-warning-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:05427f07-4ba2-44d6-9271-99a7af1ee5c0Discussion:f7455d8a-863e-4bd4-aede-4ec517e4b4a1Post:257b6462-69ee-4070-ac93-a0972384b080">Ugh...what would you do? Warning- LONG.</a>:
  [QUOTE]So here's the long story short- FMIL wanted to invite two of her good friends to the wedding. Initially, we had told her that we would have to wait and see how many people RSVPd no to the wedding (I know this is an etiquette no-no) and if we had enough no's they could come. We have never met them, and FI and I already invited her 14 brothers and sisters whom I have also never met half of. Well, we had more people accept than we thought, and it looks like they won't be able to come. So, today FMIL lets us know that she invited them to come to the ceremony, and told them there wasn't room at the reception for them. She also told us they already bought us gifts. FMIL is very passive aggressive and has been a pain to deal with...so now what do we do? I don't feel comfortable having people come to the church ceremony, and not the reception. FI refuses to address it with her, saying it will make things worse, and to just let them come to the ceremony. My parents are paying for 99% of the wedding. We have room for up to 160 people, but I feel that if there is any room to invite extra people, it should be OUR friends, not her friends we don't even know. FI has a huge family, so that is where most of our invitations went to. Right now we tentatively have 155 people coming. I'm just at a loss for what to do- suck it up and add them to the guest list, or refuse seeing as FMIL went behind our backs and did this??
  Posted by rswan412[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>Your FI needs to tell her that this is HER mess that SHE made. It is not your fault if these people are upset because they are invited to the ceremony and not the reception. They need to be upset with her, not you, and since you don't really know them, I wouldn't worry about it too much what they think of you. Your FMIL and mine sound like they are cut from the same cloth. This is almost exactly what she did, but under different circumstances. </div><div>
  </div><div>So I personally would let them come to the ceremony and not add them to the guest list. Since she already verbally invited them, it's either let them come or she has to tell them they are in fact NOT invited to the ceremony, and that would probably be wirse. Either way, let your FMIL pick up the pieces. It sounds like you already compromised and invited a lot of FI/FMIL's family, and I would not want to reward her behavior here. She didn't respect you and what you wanted. You want her to get the message this is not OK. </div><div>
  </div><div>Also, while I agree with your FI's course of action here, it sort of concerns me that your FI won't address this issue with his mother. If he isn't willing to now, I'm not sure he will be for other things either, and you don't want your FMIL to think this type of behavior is acceptable. She went behind your backs, after you already had a plan, and invited these people to the ceremony and not the reception. If he can't see that what she did is wrong and manipulative, then I'd be frustrated. </div>

  April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Bio-Updated 4/22**

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• blgrout

  

  February 2012

  I think your FI needs to stop burying his head in the sand and tell his mother that what she's done is unacceptable.  I know you said that he won't address it with her, but does he agree with you?  Because he should.  I agree with all of what Erica said.
  
  Not to mention that your parents are paying for the wedding, not FMIL.  Not that that's a good reason for her to do whatever in the hell she wants, but if she were paying for the wedding that might be a little bit different story.  She needs to know that she's in the wrong, and it's not fair for your FI to be ignoring this and leaving you to deal with it.  I would think that her friends would be put off by the fact that they are invited to the ceremony but not the recption (I would be).
  
  She shoudn't have done that to you.  GL with your future mama drama. 

  

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• rswan412 member

  

  February 2012

  Her friends are the same as her, which is why she thinks it's acceptable. her entire family- and their friends- do this type of thing all the time including inviting people to the ceremony, and not the reception, having jack and jills you pay to get into and are very money focused. She doesn't understand that it's wrong (the act of doing it) because in her circle, it's normal.
  
  FI agrees with me that it is wrong. I do understand why he won't address it with her- you either let it be or if you confront her, it gets a WHOLE lot worse. The best way to work with her is to usually ignore her, because 99% of the time she is just trying to start drama- and the way to not let drama evolve is to not feed into it.
  
  It's going to be a looonnnggg life. FI has my back on everything with his FMIL- and knows how nuts she is, so no worries about that piece. Sorry I didn't put enough detail into why he wasn't confronting her. If he didn't have me on this one, we'd have much bigger problems!

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• em01092 member

  

  February 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2012-weddings_ughwhat-would-you-do-warning-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:05427f07-4ba2-44d6-9271-99a7af1ee5c0Discussion:f7455d8a-863e-4bd4-aede-4ec517e4b4a1Post:da8118ce-80f2-4ca4-8346-e2a2829e8c06">Re: Ugh...what would you do? Warning- LONG.</a>:
  [QUOTE]Her friends are the same as her, which is why she thinks it's acceptable. her entire family- and their friends- do this type of thing all the time including inviting people to the ceremony, and not the reception, having jack and jills you pay to get into and are very money focused. She doesn't understand that it's wrong (the act of doing it) because in her circle, it's normal. FI agrees with me that it is wrong. I do understand why he won't address it with her- you either let it be or if you confront her, it gets a WHOLE lot worse. The best way to work with her is to usually ignore her, because 99% of the time she is just trying to start drama- and the way to not let drama evolve is to not feed into it. It's going to be a looonnnggg life. FI has my back on everything with his FMIL- and knows how nuts she is, so no worries about that piece. Sorry I didn't put enough detail into why he wasn't confronting her. If he didn't have me on this one, we'd have much bigger problems!
  Posted by rswan412[/QUOTE]<div>
  </div><div>As long as he has your back, that's what counts! Maybe if you ignore her enough, she'll get better about this kind of thing. Trust me, I know how you feel, and it blows. Good luck! 
  
  </div>

  April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Bio-Updated 4/22**

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• melissak1q member

  

  February 2012

  It's annoying but it's only two people. I wouldn't make too big of a deal about it. You'll have so much going on that day that you probably won't even notice.

  

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• kizznible

  

  February 2012

  Have you asked FMIL to help pay for this? I wouldn't allow verbal guests unless she is helping pay. Weddings are not cheap. I would go with the plan as is as long as it is understand they can not come to the reception. thats all you would need is these people to show up anyway.

  

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