frustrating bridesmaid

jm74527 · January 2010

My FH and I have had a long engagement (we've been engaged 1 1/2 years and we're getting married in May) and I picked my bridesmaids last spring, about a year before the wedding. Two of my girls have been great, helping me with what they can and doing what I've asked of them.

However, one of my bridesmaids (who, at the time I picked her, was my best friend) has yet to purchase her dress. I went with them to pick them out and let them choose what dress they all liked and that fit them all. The dresses are really cute coctail dresses from Davids Bridal that they can wear again. We discussed the price, $125, and everyone was totally fine with it. This was last August.

Since then, this girl and her boyfriend have broken up. Anytime we're together, she just talks about how they were supposed to be engaged by now and how she thought he was going to propose by Christmas (they were broken up by then). Now I feel like she resents me and she will not help me with anything and has yet to order her dress. The dresses take a little over the month to come in and if there is something wrong with it, then it'll be pushing it to get the dress here by the wedding date. Every time I ask her about it, she just says she'll get it with her next paycheck if she even acknowledges what I say at all. She has moved back in with her parents and works with me so I know that she makes enough money to pay for it.

What should I do?

aerinpegadrak · January 2010

Well, she doesn't have to help with anything. And if she's just seen what she thought was a long-term relationship dissolve, she probably doesn't want to have anything to do with weddings right now. One of my friends had offered to make a couple of my accessories for the wedding, but after she called off her own wedding, I didn't press the issue and waited for her to bring it up.

If she's your best friend, then be there for her. If money's an issue, then just buy the damn dress for her and be done with it. It's not your business how she spends her money.

jm74527 · January 2010

I have been there for her, and I wouldn't mind buying the dress, I'd just like to know where she stands on the whole thing.

bablingbrooke · January 2010

Well, sounds like a few things are going on here:

-You're getting married in 4 months and it takes just over a month to get the dress. She knows this and is taking her time. If something's wrong with the dress, that's her problem to fix. Not yours. Since she doesn't need to buy it now, stop pushing her.

-She broke up with a boyfriend she expected to marry and is really taking it hard. You need to be a good friend and talk her through it. Are you doing so? Or are you talking about your wedding all the time? Try to make a conscious effort to not mention your wedding around her at all for awhile. She clearly thought she'd be planning her own wedding by now and isn't and has had to reassess her future. Be sensitive to that.

Bottom line: Be a friend first, a bride second. She's an adult and doesn't need to be baby-sat. Let her feel her feelings for awhile. If she misses the drop-dead date to order set by the shop (not you), then she's taken herself out of the wedding. But the solution to this is not to micromanage her.

bablingbrooke · January 2010

And this bears repeating: What this girl has or hasn't done for your wedding should not be any sort of factor for you. What those other BMs did were gifts to you, not entitlements that you are owed.

MyNameIsNot · January 2010

Her jobs as a BM are to get a dress and show up. Nothing else. It's great that the other girls have volunteered to help you out, but that doesn't obligate this girl to do anything.

She only needs a month to get her dress, and she knows that. That means she needs to get it by April, maybe March. Right now it is January. She knows she has plenty of time. If she doesn't get it, she will have taken herself out of the wedding. Either way, let it go. There's no reason for you to worry about it.

(BTW, DB has dresses on the rack in lots of sizes and colors, and they are all over ebay. She could realistically walk into a DB the week before the wedding and buy the dress with no issues.)

She is doing absolutely nothing wrong, and there is no reason for you to be upset or frustrated with her.

What you should be worried about is being a good friend. She's just gone through a rough break up, and she's obviously still in pain. Stop thinking about your wedding and think about being a friend.

emilyinchile · January 2010

You know where she stands: she hasn't ordered the dress yet but is planning on doing so soon, in time for your wedding.

If she's aware of the deadline to order, then you have to trust she'll do it in time. If she doesn't, she's not in the WP. But up until then, she's not doing anything wrong and doesn't need to change her behavior.

mwhitson14 · January 2010

Everyone else has brought up great points, so I'm just going to touch on one thing that irritated me abour your post:

[QUOTE]She has moved back in with her parents and works with me so I know that she makes enough money to pay for it.[/QUOTE]

You have no idea what anyone's financial situation is, so just because you work together don't act like you know how things are for her financially. For me, moving back in with her parents sounds like she is going through a financial strain,

megk8oz · January 2010

My sisters were both total butt munches when it came to the dress situation. They both ordered them on time, but then refused to get the necessary alterations done to them until literally the last minute. My wedding was on New Year's Day, my older sister went to the seamstress on Christmas Eve.

My younger sister (My MOH) refused to even try on her dress once she found out it didn't fit. At one point, she went so far as to lie to me and tell me that it fit perfectly (So, yes, my post about not having to kill her, apparently was based on a lie) just so she "wouldn't have to deal with it". We got the dresses through DB, and as of Christmas, she still didn't have a fitting dress. When she realized that this may be an actual problem, her and my mom called up every DB in NJ to see if we could get the next size up ... and then alter it to fit properly. They found one an hour away that had the dress in stock and were willing to do an emergency fitting. My wedding was on a Friday the 1st, she went in for the fitting on Sunday (12/27) and had the dress back (and fitting) on Tuesday ((12/29).

"Helping" and your assumption of her financial situation aside, DB can work a miracle if necessary. My sisters were my sisters before I was planning a wedding, and they will be my sisters for the rest of my life, no matter how frustrating they can be sometimes. Your friend sounds like she's going through a rough patch, and what she needs right now is a friend, not somebody breathing down her neck about a dress to wear to a wedding that probably is depressing her due to her single-status.

Like everybody else has said, you can't "expect" more than her getting the dress and showing up. If she doesn't get the dress but the final date DB (not you) says she needs to have it by, she's taken herself out.

banana468 · January 2010

I have to echo all the others here.

Focus on being her friend right now. The other stuff will most likely fall into place.

MyNameIsNot · January 2010

1) Her finances are none of your business. NONE. At all. Just because you have a ring on your finger does not mean that you suddenly get to judge how other people spend their money. So stop.

2) You have no business judging her relationship. You say you are being a good friend, but making such remarks about her relationship don't sound like much of a friend. They sound judgemental and mean.

3) She's not doing anything wrong. At all. Nothing. She has plenty of time to get her dress, and if she doesn't, it's her problem. So get over it. You have no right to be mad or upset. She's not doing anything wrong. You're the one who is being demanding asking her to order a dress so early and being ridiculous about it. Get over it.

emilyinchile · January 2010

I'm not saying you're a bad friend, but you brought up a couple points that are a problem in my opinion.

"she has no substantial payments. She does, however, have an addiction to designer clothes/assessories."
If she genuinely has a shopping addiction, then that's just as much of a problem as a gambling addiction - she can't just stop because she "should" be buying a BM dress. If it's just that she likes to buy expensive things, then that's also FINE. It's her money to use as she chooses, and if that means buying her dress last minute because she wants to buy something else first then that's totally ok.

"I am not a procrastinator and I stress easily."
This is about you. She doesn't have to change just because you happen to be this way. I get it because I'm the same, but that doesn't give me the right to insist that everyone else be on my schedule (in life or in wedding planning). If it would make you feel better, you can buy the dress - then you'll know it's taken care of. But you can't make her buy it just because it's stressful for you.

"I understand that some people wait until the last minute to do things, but everyone else (even the procrastinators ie. my FH, one other BM, my dad, etc) has done what I've asked."
Again, this isn't her doing something wrong, it's other people doing something nice. Other people are being helpful, and it would be great if she'd be the same. But she isn't, and that's ok.

I get that you're stressed because last minute isn't your style, I really do, but this doesn't have to be your style - it's her responsibility to get it done by your wedding day, no sooner.

jm74527 · January 2010

Unfortunately, I cannot adequately describe the situation or my feelings. Despite how things may sound in my posts, we are very close and are great friends. I am there for her EVERY time I am needed.

Since every reply has been a shot at me being judgmental, disrespectful, and not being a good friend, no more replies are needed.

I've tried to explain what is going on, but that went to the garbage. I have shared only facts and have not theorized about anything except why she hasn't gotten her dress yet.

Luckily, she has ordered her dress.

[end thread]

banana468 · January 2010

JM, I think it's important to see that the people reading are unbiased. So you did explain yourself well but people are going to see the global story when possible.

It seems like things worked themselves out in the end. Isn't that what you wanted to begin with?

sjhoffman84 · January 2010

I can agree with a lot of what everyone seems to be saying, her finances aren't your business and I can't imagine how hard it must be for her to be going through her break up but I also see what you are saying, that you have been there for her and you don't bring up the wedding that much. From what you have written, I do not view you as a bad friend. I also don't agree that the only thing bridesmaids have to do is get the dress and show up. While your wedding isn't and doesn't have to be the center of their universe they should try and help. I'm not saying when you say jump they ask how high or that they put aside any and all personal issues to handle every task you ask them to but there needs to be a happy medium. Obvously, she is struggling with her personal life and you do need to be a friend first and a bride second but at the same time, this is your wedding and you should be able to enjoy planning it. I guess my advice is try and talk to her, tell her you understand what she's going through and you want to help her anyway you can. Ask her if she needs anything and then maybe in seperate conversation bring up what you need from her.

frustrating bridesmaid

Re: frustrating bridesmaid

Choose Another Board

Search Boards