Meeting with Rabbi?

razdazzle_22377334 · September 2009

I should have posted this before Shabbat, but hopefully some of you girls are on today. Fi and I are meeting with a potential Rabbi tomorrow. What questions should we ask him? What questions should we be prepared to answer?

2dBride · September 2009

As to what questions he might ask you, this will obviously vary from one rabbi to the next. However, given that our first "meeting" with our rabbi was by e-mail, I can let you know what he asked, which may give you some ideas.My basic approach to life cycle moments.There is a great book called "Rituals for Our Times" (you don't have to buy it. I just like to share with you the "behind the scenes thinking" that might be helpful to you. The book you can get from a library I'm sure. ttp://www.amazon.com/Rituals-Our-Times-Celebrating-Relationships/dp/0765701561/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1217979146&sr=8-1) The general principle here is that rituals, particularly life cycle moments, are creative works of art using poetry, symbols, music, to help people express ideas, change legal status, acknowledge realities, and heal. As a lawyer, you know this from your time in courtrooms or reading wills, transferring deeds, etc. All of these legal expressions are powerfully emotional. In religious ritual we use that legal change and the emotional charge to power our relationship to the ancient symbols and we allow the ancient symbols to hold us.If you want a complete outline of the Jewish wedding with all kinds of possibilities for rituals, take a look at: Celebrating your interfaith wedding. This might be worthwhile buying:http://www.amazon.com/Celebrating-Interfaith-Marriages-Creating-Christian/dp/0805060839/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1217979395&sr=1-1It has a number of examples of ideas that you can use.On the phone we talked about Jewish symbols and that the wedding would be small--and most of the people there Jewish, it might be that NotFroofy has some needs for something from her religious background represented. So this book also addresses that issue. I have a lot of respect for Christian religious language and would want NotFroofy to feel she is included deeply in the ceremony. My basic approach to weddingsOne philosopher said that love is a unique and collaborative work of art. That means that what the two of you create together is unique, because you bring your uniqueness to that creation. The wedding ceremony is such a work of art that stretches in time, not space. It is a dramatic work of art that expresses your ideas: what you think love is about, how you think about God and the transcendent. So Sam's story is crucial here. If you wouldn't mind, could you and NotFroofy sit down and write to me about your stories in whatever way you see fit? The wedding is a moment of celebration of your life stories and of your love and I'd like to help you shape that with as much richness as possible. And it is a moment, as I've said, that takes that story to a new level. So we want to share what that means to you.the center of the Jewish wedding ceremony--and the central idea of it- is the exchange of rings under a chuppah and signing a ketubah. The rings are the physical symbol of the vow, the vision that you affirm when you give each other the rings. The Chuppah represents your new home and it is just a sketch really, of such a home. The crucial part is the love that you share at the center. The chuppah is open on all sides because the people around it are connected to you as you become wife and wife. There are other symbols as well: including circling, the breaking of the glass, the reading of something from the Bible (Hebrew or Christian), use of some physical symbols to represent those who have passed away (parents, grandparents, etc.). the book I suggested in very complete in that regard. So my role in your wedding is to help you prepare the ceremony and to be your guide during it, to bring people into it, to help people feel and see and understand the meaning of the moments for you. And your kids and brother, etc. could be part of the ceremony in very powerful ways.An outline of a Jewish ceremonyThe Jewish ceremony has three "acts" as I see it.The first is the assembling of the community. This would involve setting up the chuppah and the two of you walking under the chuppah. When you arrive at the chuppah, I welcome everyone by singing in Hebrew: We bless those of you who come in the Name of God I would set the stage: make sure that everyone knows that they are there to be witnesses, participants in this change in your life. We might also mention those who can't be with us today... Perhaps there is some poetry that you would want to read. . one poem that is wonderful is:Marge PIercy wrote a poem for the chuppah when she got remarried: (I don't know if either of you like her work. She says that she has her fans who like her novels and fans who like her poetry, but few people like both. I'm a poetry fan.)The Chuppah The chuppah stands on four poles.The home has its four corners.The chuppah stands on four poles.The marriage stands on four legs.Four points loose the windsthat blow on the walls of the house,the south wind that brings the warm rain,the east wind that brings the cold rain,the north wind that brings the cold sunand the snow, the long west windbringing the weather off the far plains. Here we live open to the seasons.Here the winds caress and cuff uscontrary and fierce as bears.Here the winds are caught and snarlingin the pines, a cat in a net clawing breaking twigs to fight loose.Here the winds brush your facesoft in the morning as feathersthat float down from a dove's breast. Here the moon sails up out of the oceandripping like a just washed apple.Here the sun wakes us like a baby.Therefore the chuppah has no sides. It is not a box. It is not a coffin.It is not a dead end.Therefore the chuppah has no walls.We have made a home togetheropen to the weather of our time.We are mills that turn in the winds of struggle converting fierce energy into bread. The canopy is the cloth of our tablewhere we share fruit and vegetablesof our labor, where our care for the earthcomes back and we take its body in ours.The canopy is the cover of our bedwhere our bodies open their portals wide,where we eat and drink the bloodof our love, where the skin shines redas a swallowed sunrise and we burnin one furnace of joy molten as steeland the dream is flesh and flower. O my love O my love we danceunder the chuppah standing over uslike an animal on its four legs,like a table on which we set our loveas a feast, like a tentunder which we worknot safe but no longer solitaryin the searing heat of our time. The second act is the time of transformation using the gift of rings and a ketubah. This is introduced with the traditional blessing over wine: (blessed are you, o lord our God, source of all blessing, who creates the fruit of the vine.) I'd say the blessing and you would share the wine.Then you would exchange rings saying vows and perhaps a Hebrew sentence such as "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine" the use of NotFroofy's grandmother's ring (do I remember correctly) would be particularly meaningfuland then you would sign and read the ketubah.The ketubah is a document that states your vision for your marriage that is signed before or during the wedding. Both the ketubah and the gift of rings are written down first in a book of Jewish law called the mishna (200AD) so they are both very old symbols. You can pay for a fine art ketubah at any one of a number of web sites including:http://www.modernketubah.com/ketubah_interfaith.phpor you can write your own and print it up on nice paper. What is important is what it says.I've attached a very simple and clear one written by a couple whose wedding I'm doing in September.The third act is the blessing of the marriage by the community. After you have done these acts of transformation, your new marriage is at its most beginning moment. So it is appropriate to bless it. This can be done by me alone but it really makes sense of everyone there to say a blessing, either something from their heart, or one of the creative seven blessings that I've attached.the wedding ends with the breaking of the glass and the kiss.A few things occur to me:-you will be having a party back in DC to celebrate your marriage. Do you want to make arrangements to have this ceremony video taped and bring it back to show and -re-experience? What is the tone of the wedding? It sounds to me that there may be six people there. Would you want music? Cd's, ask my cantor and partner to join you? flowers? etc. -as you figure out what the half-hour we spend together looks like, you have to figure out what the rest of the day(s) look like. for example:you could drive up on a Sunday, Monday am start the legal work and Monday evening have the ceremony at the temple and then go out to dinner, sleep and return on Tuesday. Is that a model?

2dBride · September 2009

As to what you should ask him, a lot depends on your own ideas of what the ceremony should look like. Is the rabbi Reform, Conservative, Orthodox, or something else? If Orthodox, he may have severe constraints about what he is allowed to do, and your biggest task may be to make sure you are comfortable about what has to happen. If he is Reform, you may find that you are making a lot of choices, writing your own ceremony, etc.Do you want to write your own vows? Would you want a standard Orthodox ketubah, or a more free-form one? Single ring ceremony or double ring? Do you want to do the circling? If so, do you want the bride to do all 7 circles, or have it 3-3-1 as some do? Does the rabbi have access to a chuppah you can use, and if so, do you like it? Or will you need to find your own? Are there "modesty" restrictions on what kind of dress you can wear? Is photography and/or videography permitted at the ceremony? Must the reception food be kosher? Are men expected to wear kippot? Are there any restrictions on the music that can be played?Honestly, this is all a lot less scary than you think now. Questions that are not dealt with now can be dealt with on later meetings, so long as you have a good sense that this is the person you want to officiate at your wedding.

razdazzle_22377334 · September 2009

2dBride, thank you for sharing that.The Rabbi we are meeting with is Conservative, this was important to Fi and I as we both grew up in Conservative Jewish households.We do have a few things that are non-negotiable, the food at the reception will be kosher-style, but not kosher. And I want a good friend (female) to be a ketubah witness.Besides that, we envision mostly a traditional Jewish wedding ceremony. We would do the signing of the ketubah first, then the chuppah with the circling - not sure if we want to do 3-3-1 (both of us) or 7 (just me). We want to design and build our own chuppah. We will have kippot for our guests. The non-Jewish tradition that Fi wants to do is write our own vows. What is a single-ring vs. double-ring? We will both exchange rings, so double?Good point about modesty...I'm open if he requires me to wear a covering, but I am not going to want to require my guests. We are not getting married in a synagogue, so I don't think this should be mandatory.

2dBride · September 2009

The single-ring versus double ring thing is that in an Orthodox ceremony, the man gives the woman a ring, but she does not give him one. The reason is that traditionally, the ring had to be a thing of value that the man gave to acquire the woman. If she gave him a ring back, then he would be seen as having given the ring to acquire another ring, not to acquire the woman.In those instances in which the woman wants to give the man a ring, an Orthodox rabbi would typically suggest that it be done separately, after the ceremony. In some instances, an Orthodox rabbi would permit the woman to give the man a ring during the ceremony, but only if she did it at a different time and only if she did not say anything when giving it.The Reform tradition is much more egalitarian, and double-ring ceremonies are common in Reform weddings. As in many areas, Conservative rabbis often have quite different approaches, some being closer to Reform and some being closer to Orthodox. Thus, you may want to ask yours whether a double-ring ceremony is an issue, and what, if anything, you can say to your FI when you give him the ring.Designing and building your own chuppah should not be an issue. (A chuppah is traditional, but not legally required, so there is a lot more leeway on it than on other parts of the ceremony.) But do ask about the female witness and the kosher-style reception. And if you want anything other than the traditional Aramaic ketubah, you might want to ask about that.It is my understanding that even if a Conservative rabbi requires a covering, he will typically be satisfied with a veil that covers the shoulders. However, this is obviously something you would want to ask about before buying your dress.

october010bride · September 2009

Not sure when your mtg is but hopefully this will help! When we met with our Rabbi we talked about the pre-ceremony stuff (ketubah signing, etc) what aspects we would like to include and we won't be including. He was VERY upfront and told us things what he was both comfortable and not comfortable with. It was easy to come up with questions because they just seemed to pop up during our discussion. I think more importantly is a feeling you get from the Rabbi. We wanted someone funny, that we felt comfortable with.. not someone stuffy and too formal. After meeting with our Rabbi we knew instantly that we would like him to do our ceremony. Hopefully it'll be as easy for you!

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