I need to find a way out of this funk

SallyLou4u · February 2011

I am sad as I did not have a very good week. I cant help but be sad that I am not sporting a ring yet esp since the BF can make rash decisions like getting a new car and then complain he has no money. He and I have talked and he wants to b more financially stable before getting hitched, which I do understand, but why can he have all the fun in a luxury vehicle while I patiently get my sh*t in order so he will feel comfortable in taking that next step? that is all

[Deleted User] · February 2011

Have you tried telling him how you feel? Guys are known for making weird decisions. He is probably not at a point in his life where he is comfortable being engaged, which is ok because a lot of guys need time (EVEN if they are CERTAIN they have found the one). That is ok though, it is good to be able to enjoy being a girlfriend. Girlfriends have the privelege of enjoying their own hard earned money!

Let him enjoy his car, and spoil yourself. It'll help take your mind off of it and then you won't feel bad for being the only one who is saving up for a wedding.

DanieKA · February 2011

I agree with amsybot. Buy yourself something pretty before a lot of your money decisions have to be shared ones!

But I often wonder about the "financially Stable" reason. Have you guys discussed what exactly that means? If it's paying down student loans/credit card debt/medical bills/etc, or saving up for a down payment on a house/to pay for the ring/wedding that's one thing. If it's just a vague reason he gives while he goes out and buys a new luxury truck, well, I'd honestly question that, like you did.

I guess the most important thing is to talk about it. You don't need to necessarily ask for an itemized list of debts, but understanding what financially stable means to each of you is important.

ETA: Yeah, when I said buy yourself something pretty I didn't mean go out and buy yourself a new car to match his. But I for sure feel like you should be able to buy yourself a necklace, or a new cardigan at Anne Taylor, or something. When I'm in a funk, I sometimes treat myself to the fancy cheese aisle at Harry's Farmers Market

Mmmmm...cheese!

But I think the points you are getting is to talk to him. If it's a matter of him being scared more so than anything, you can work with that. If it is finances, then you'll need to have a clear idea of each of your habits and goals now and not after the I do's! Good luck.

And also, welcome to the board!

stemms8810 · February 2011

I agree with the other girls. I would definitely use this time to spend your money how you please before you are married and need to confer with him about certain purchases because your money is merged. Depending on how old he is, he may not be quite there yet as far as being 100% ready to take that next step even though he knows you are the woman he wants to marry. If I were in your shoes I would be upset too though. So like PP's have said I would bring it up to him calmly and make sure you are both still on the page about getting married and a timeline.

calindi · February 2011

Actually, I disagree with this advice. I don't think being financially irresponsible is the answer. Now, if you've got a strict "wedding fund" that you're contributing towards while he's throwing his money around elsewhere, then I agree that it's time to stop saving specifically for the wedding. But differences in managing money is one of the biggest problems in a relationship, and it's not going to end simply because he's ready to get married. If he says he wants to be financially responsible, but is still making large purchases that prevent him from saving, then he's clearly got a different view on how to handle money than you do. I'd focus on making sure you both view spending and saving money the same before you get married - attend a financial planning seminar, or read a book together, but unless you get on the same page now about how much you'll each save and how much you each have for discretionary purchases, you'll have a harder time later when expenses and savings are much more mutual as a married couple.

marleylikeair · February 2011

Cate, I actually agree with you AND other PPs! IMO, OP, you should sit down with your BF and talk. You don't necessarily need to make it a "big money talk" or "the big commitment talk," but start with one thing you want to know his view on and take it from there. No need to get accusatory or heated, just say, "hey, I've been thinking. I feel like...(insert topic here)." It sounds to me like there are two issues here: how he's handling money, and whether he's ready to start thinking about marriage. (The two definitely affect one another, but I think they're separate issues.)

I'd love some more information. Do you two live together? How old are you both? Are either of you still in college? How long have you been together? Do either of you have a fair amount of debt? Are there kids to factor in here? Is either of you divorced?

All of these factors can contribute to whether a man (or both parties) are ready to start thinking about marriage.

SallyLou4u · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-way-out-of-this-funk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7430f570-8323-4675-ae95-59496d30424bPost:1c47616c-bc1c-4284-af24-28c41bf0a8e3">Re: I need to find a way out of this funk</a>:
[QUOTE] It sounds to me like there are two issues here: how he's handling money, and whether he's ready to start thinking about marriage. (The two definitely affect one another, but I think they're separate issues.) I'd love some more information. Do you two live together? How old are you both? Are either of you still in college? How long have you been together? Do either of you have a fair amount of debt? Are there kids to factor in here? Is either of you divorced? All of these factors can contribute to whether a man (or both parties) are ready to start thinking about marriage.
Posted by marleylikeair[/QUOTE]

We have talked and both see us being married in the next two to three years. When we talked he had said he wanted to make it so that the only debt he had was his car loan. Well he recently maxed out his credit cards trying a new business venture online. He then traded in his vehicle putting him back to six years paying off a car instead of just four years left. Typing this has be worried he is going through some sort of crisis.

Any way to answer your questions
We have lived together for two years and have been together almost three. He is 31 and I am 29. I have started looking into getting my degree finished and he has no interest in one at this time. Both of us have never been married and both have been in one other serious relationship (one that could have lead to marriage if not for my ex not being right for me in the end and his ex cheating on him) We do not have any children, it is something we both want in the future. I probably have the most debt since I do have student loans and a few hospital bills in addition to the three years left on my car loan.

DanieKA · February 2011

Welcome back SallyLou. Now that you've answered a few questions it's a bit clearer. IMO, I see two issues. the first is the credit cards/business, the second is the car.

As long as the business venture was legit and he wasn't investing all his money and maxing out his credit cards on a get rich quick online scheme, Yes, he will need time to pay those debts down, and HE should do it unless are okay with helping him and taking on his debt as a shared debt when you get married. This to me is the closest thing to student loans. Many people go into marriages with student loan debt and as long as their spouse knows about the debt and how much it is, and are willing to help (or not if that's what you've talked about), then there is no reason to postpone marriage. If I were going to wait to pay off my law school loans before I got married I would be 50! Seriously. My BF knows what he's getting into, and while I don't expect him to help just because, he has expressed a willingness to join our lives, our debts, and our profits, so to speak.

The car still seems a bit irresponsible and like he was going through a crisis and on a whim bought a new car. That sounds like the bigger problem. For a 31 year old man, trying to be financially responsible, who has just maxed out his credit, it seems completely unwise to trade in what I'm assuming was a car in good condition that got you from location A to location B, that could be paid off in 4 years, for something brand new that is gonna take 6 years to pay off. And is there a higher payment on the new car? What about higher insurance for a new car? Just because you trade in a car doesn't mean that everything stays the same as far as your payments/insurance are concerned.

It seems as though he added debt, when he didn't have to. A new car isn't like a calculated business risk, or an investment, it's a straight up purchase that adds to debt without ever giving you as much back as you put into it. It loses it's value the second it drives off the lot and for every single mile that's put on it. I'd definitely talk to him about this.

Sorry this past week was rough on you and good luck with everything. Keep us posted if you talk to him and how it goes. Good luck!

I need to find a way out of this funk

Re: I need to find a way out of this funk

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