Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water...

ZRex · September 2009

...Remember how I told my parents we were doing the wedding ourselves? My dad is now threatening to disown me...get this...if we pay for our own wedding. My parents are also getting every relative under the sun to call me and ask, "will you be happy if your parents are not in your life???" I love that they think that their company, which consists mainly of berating me, drudging up examples from my CHILDHOOD to tell me why my marriage will be unsuccessful (my mom literally brought up how I would switch between blue and pink as my favorite colors), and not listening to any form of logic or reason, is so valuable to me that I would allow them to indefinitely control my life just to keep them around. SO, just as a recap: - My parents want to pay for my wedding, but invite 150 of their own guests, and allow me, fi, and fi's family 50 guests to split among ourselves...ostensibly because money is an issue, but really because I think my dad wants to stick it to Fi's family for not being able to contribute. - they also want fi to convert to Islam, not because they are religious, but because of what people will say. -If I have my own wedding and save them $20K and save myself ulcers, aggravation, and stress, I will be disowned. Has this happened to anyone else out there? Or am I just blessed to have such a special family??? Ugh! Sorry for the repeated ranting. I'm sure it's getting old...I just can't seem to get it out enough.

ring_pop · September 2009

I remember your story.Yikes.Press ahead. I'm pretty sure that if you let them have it their way, the planning process will become such a nightmare that your relationship with them will be soured anyway.They are using emotional blackmail. My friend encountered this: his parents decided that they couldn't accept his FI because of religion, even though they loved her as a person. He finally decided to just go ahead and do it his way, and you know what? A week before the wedding, they realized that they would lose their son if they held on to those feelings. They came around.

louisvillebride21 · September 2009

I do remember your post and thought it was great that you stood up for yourself. To me, it sounds like they are trying to show off with the wedding (spending so much, only inviting their friends). I would call his bluff and still pay for it yourself. Although elopement does sound like a good call in the case. But if you are set on having a wedding, just do something small and simple and invite who YOU (and FI) want to invite.

kikibaby · September 2009

I'm so sorry- what a crappy situation

You guys should definitely just pay for it yourselves to avoid a lot of hassle. They will probably come around in the future. Can you sit down with them and explain why it would mean a lot to you to pay for it yourselves? Tell them you love them and respect them, but you just feel this is something you should do on your own.

tidetravel · September 2009

It does sound like a cultural thing, but I don't think that's an excuse to try to blackmail you. Dad may be quite serious about the disowning - if he is, you need to decide if it's that important to you to keep him around and allow him to manipulate you.Also remember if you give in on this, you will be opening the door to being controlled by your parents for the rest of your life. Just think of when/if you decide to have kids.

mocha beans · September 2009

Yep, I remember.Continue sticking to your guns. The way I see it, you're gonna be screwed either way. Either you get a wedding paid for that you don't want, that doesn't include most of your friends and his family, but has all of your friends' parents; a wedding you'll probably regret having in the future, and may make you resentful towards your parents.Or, you can plan and pay for your own wedding, and make it something you really want and invite those who are closest to YOU and FI, not your parents. They may disown you, but if it were me, I'd rather be happy with MY decision and disowned, rather than unhappy and resentful while everyone else is happy.I'm sure it's a cultural issue, which I have no knowledge fo, but I get the feeling that the traditions here are more important to your family than actually to you. Stick to your guns.

SwedishChick2011 · September 2009

Is this a cultural thing? Even so, I doubt they'd really disown you. Call their bluff.

Nebb · September 2009

A friend of mine who got married last year, the FOG wanted to invite everyone he knew to the wedding and my friend and groom put their foot down and said no - FOG said he would boycott the wedding if they wouldnt let him invite who he wanted and would not talk to them again. They still said no, they got married last October and havnt talked to him since sometime last summer. If you are OK with your father following through with his threat, then pay for it yourself. If you arent, you can either go along with his original plan, try to come to some agreement or outright lie (say FI's parents gave you money, and thats what youre using to pay for your guests, even if its really your own). It sounds like your father has an ego, and men with big egos are difficult to deal with.

wdc*bride · September 2009

I'm curious about the breakdown in your parents' disownment threats. My husband's parents threatened to disown him if I did not convert to Islam. They also insisted on paying for the wedding and inviting 200 of their friends. So ... did they mean it about the religion thing? Yes, absolutely. Would they have had a fit if we had refused to let them invite all of their guests? Most definitely, but that would not have been disownable. So I wonder if the religion thing isn't the real issue? And frankly, if your FI doesn't want to convert, the religion thing is not going away and cannot be dealt with in this manner. So I think in that case, you and your FI have to stand your ground, do the wedding your way, and let your parents suffer the consequences of their actions.If it's more about the embarassment of not throwing you a big wedding, this is just silly to me to argue about. Why can't you compromise by letting them throw the big wedding and contributing enough money to invite more of your friends and FI's family that they cannot afford? This seems like a pretty obvious compromise to that discreet issue.

sol_star · September 2009

I'm sorry they are continuing to act childish, I admire you for sticking to your own beliefs. I would question if having your family in your life when they act like they are is a positive thing... I would press ahead.

NuggetBrain · September 2009

I would never convert to another religion if I really didn't want to based on threats. Anybody who has done so is stupid and weakminded. Your parents are a hot mess. They are the Hot Mess of hot messes. I would call their bluff. Tell them that if they can't accept what will make you happy, then they really aren't doing their job as parents and obviously care more about the opinions of their friends than they do about their child. Okay, don't tell them that, but think it very strongly.

ZRex · September 2009

WDCBride, Fi was actually planning to go through with the conversion thing. They knew that he wasn't going to practice, but since they are doing it all for appearances, they were fine with him just doing a "sham" conversion, or whatever. THe fact that he was willing to go through with it and they are STILL treating us this way is just a lesson learned for me, that there is no way for them to be happy unless they are completely and utterly getting their way on every single thing. I'm going to call his bluff and let him disown me if he wants to. Honestly, when my aunt called me and threw that one out there, the first thing I felt was relief. I really thought, "wow, no more annoying phone calls and emails and passive aggressive bullsh!t behavior??? too good to be true!!!" I do feel bad for my mom, but she and my dad have been in a loveless arranged marriage for 26 years, and she refuses to leave because it will "ruin her social life." Seriously. Which is all well and good, but he has never been a good father to me or either of my brothers, so in essence, she has been choosing her social life over us, and is STILL choosing her social life over giving her daughter a wedding that she can enjoy. I'm not asking them to do whatever I want, I'm just asking that they a. be nice to me, and b. to let fi and i have the people we love at our wedding, and not just strangers, I'm actually really excited about the idea of planning and paying for it myself. I had been saving for a designer dress for a long time, so I'm just going to get a cheap dress and use the money for our reception. I'm torn between a budget wedding with a bigger guest list, or a super super nice dinner for 30. I'm sure this drama is far from over....thank you everyone for your support and encouragement. Even though I do not think I am being selfish or unreasonable, it's good to know that others feel the same way.

buttaflai · September 2009

Wow, that is definitely a crappy situation. Is there something ELSE behind why they MUST pay? Are they afraid that if they don't, they don't get recognition? Like others ask, is it strictly a cultural reason? Do they want control over the way the wedding goes?It always saddens me to hear about cultural/religious/social issues getting in the way of people trying to celebrate their union.

tidetravel · September 2009

I find it odd that your dad would be OK with FI changing his religion knowing that it would be a "sham." I find it even odder that FI would agree to it. (I understand that he's probably just trying to make everyone happy, but really? Even if you're not religious, you are declaring that you are changing your ENTIRE belief system.)

wdc*bride · September 2009

ZRex - I didn't see your last post, but this sounds like a very bad situation. I do think it is cultural, but that does not make it acceptable or okay.Your FI should absolutely not feel pressured to convert to a religion he does not agree with (sham or otherwise -- and perhaps especially sham, what a horrible lie to live). And it sounds like your relationship with your parents is something that could use a bit of a breather anyway. It sounds like you are right to distance yourself from your parents for your own health and that of your relationship.I do know parents who have actually gone through with the disownment, and I hope that you will find a solution short of that, but you're right that things can't stay where they are now.BTW, I don't know if you are SA or not, but there are definitely a few ladies struggling with all this stuff on the SA board, and a lot who have seen this type of behavior in various parents. Everyone's super-friendly, so feel free to post there even if you're not SA and get more specific advice and some commisseration.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water...

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