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Loosing my Mind - Help

kimmorriskimmorris
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
So the story is my FI and I dont talk to his youngest brother (unforgiveable reasons) and we both do not want him to be apart of our engagement or wedding.We have only been engaged 5 days and FMIL has started ALREADY!!!!She rang me at work the other day and started that we have to invite him she would be so upset if we didnt , that im splitting up the family,BLAH BLAH went on for ages.If he was to attend any celebration FI & I would feel so uncomfortable. me especially i get sick to the stomach when ever i see him.She has made me not even want to be engaged at the moment.  So what do i do ?? Stand my ground or give into her to shut her up..?Sorry for the long post..Needed to get this off my chest.
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Re: Loosing my Mind - Help

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    duckie1905duckie1905 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Honestly, this really needs to be up to your FI.  Despite the fact that you apparently become physically ill when his brother is in the room the final decision needs to be made by him.  If he chooses to exclude his brother he needs to be one to talk to his mother.If what he has done is truly unforgiveable then your FI won't want him there anyway.  But, families have an amazing ability to bounce back from even the most horrible things.  Beyond all that, it isn't your brother and isn't your choice. The best thing you can do at this point is refer it to your FI and stay out of it.
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    Danser1013Danser1013
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    This post is so similar to my situation. My two cousins have done some things that have embarrassed the family and caused alot of bad feelings. The worst thing is that they manipulate and use my grandparents (who also happen to have alot of money). I am so close to my grandmother and she calls me her clone. However, she has made everyone in the family's lives miserable because she is upset that I don't want these cousins coming to my wedding. Long story short, my mom said that in the big picture, it would be better to just invite the cousins and shut my grandmother up. That way we can all enjoy the day. After all, mom says, there will be so many people at the wedding and the related festivities that I want to be with, that I will hardly notice the cousins. My grandmother agreed that we would just invite them to the wedding, not the rehearsal dinner and that the cousins would be watched carefully and not allowed to drink. I am still upset that I have been emotionally blackmailed into inviting these two who make me sick. However, my mother keeps me focused on the important and beautiful aspects of my wedding, which helps me to get past it. If you have only been engaged a short while, you have time to make your decision. You might have your FI tell his mom that the two of you are thinking about inviting him and alot will depend on his behavior between now and the wedding. This might buy you a little peace and quiet. My wedding is in a few weeks, so I will let you know how our plan works. Hopefully I won't really notice my cousins at all. Good Luck!
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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    ditto duckie.  This is not your problem.  It's your FI's and his responsibility to stand up to his mom with an answer that reflects your united decision.When she calls you again, or talks to you at a party, or corners you in any way, you need to tell her that you're not going to discuss it and that she needs to talk with your FI.If she continues, tell her this is the last time you'll gently remind her, and after that you'll hang up the phone....walk out of the room.....go home.  And then do it.One hopes that your FI will tell her the same thing:  "mom, the decision is made.  We will not be inviting him, and we will not be discussing it anymore".If she pulls the "I won't attend the wedding if he's not invited" then your FI says, a little sadly, "I'm sorry to hear that mom.  You'll be missed."  Lather, rinse, repeat as necessary.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    ffmaidffmaid
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    " I'm sorry I am at work now and can not chat."Other times " This is Fi's choice to make and he has made it. How is your underwater basketweaving going?"
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    dianenjnjdianenjnj member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    tell fmil this is entirely up to your fi...you are not discussing this with her, period!
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    amalamaamalama member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Only because it sounds to me like the brother did somethign to the OP, not the FI, I don't think it should be up to him totally actually. It really depends on what he did, but if it was something to you (not FI, then it's his decision) that is as horrible as you make it out to be, than I do think you have a right to not want him there.But I think your FI needs to back you up to his mom and tell her that it is what you both want and she will have to accept it. I agree that you shouldn't discuss it with her, tell her it has been decided and that is just they way it is.
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    TruchanaTruchana member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think it really depends on what he did and I also agree with everyone else that it is up to FI.  i'm very loyal to my family, so short of doing something brutal like rape, molestation, or murder, it would take a lot for me to completely cut a family member out of my life. that doesn't mean you have to 100% trust them though or be super chummy allow them in your house, etc.   You also have to look at it from his mothers point of view.  This is her family and her children.  I'm sure you can imagine how hard it must be for her to see two of her children not speaking.  And if won't fare well for you if she thinks it's because you are forcing your fiance to not talk to him.
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    TruchanaTruchana member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I also think, without really knowing what happened, that you can handle the FMIL by just telling her, "Look so and so, your son and I have been engaged for 5 days.  I have no clue at this point if so and so will be invited, that is really up to your son.   I'd really like to just enjoy being engaged right now and I dont' want it dampered with thoughts of youngest son being drudged up.  Can you please respect and try to understand this?
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