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Date drama (long...)

mal029mal029 member
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in Moms and Maids
So, my FH and I have been engaged for about 2 months and we are so close to finalizing our date in 2010. My mother, however, wants us to get married in 2011, for both personal and work-related reasons. She told me she wouldn't be able to concentrate on wedding planning with me because she'd be so involved with those other things. Now, the FH and I and his family don't want to put it off that long. And we have our hearts set on our 2010 date. My mom, on the other hand, is practically begging me to have the wedding in 2011. She says this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for her and she wants to be able to focus on the planning. She gets cold and sour with me whenever I stand firm and say we want to keep in 2010, but we would consider 2011. But back when we got engaged, she wasn't really all that happy about it. She was very negative. To this day, she still hasn't asked about the proposal or the story behind my ring. I love my mother and I want to make her happy, but should I sacrifice the date we want to please her? I know if I give up and choose a date in 2011, my FH and I will be very disappointed. If I go ahead with my date, my mother will be very disappointed. It’s like a lose-lose situation either way…advice, anyone?
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Re: Date drama (long...)

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    NotNumbersNotNumbers member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Seriously, it isn't her wedding so why does she need to 'be able to concentrate on wedding planning'?  Especially when it doesn't sound like she is overly supportive of the marriage.  So long as she would actually be able to attend on the date you want, I'd go with what works best for you and your FI. 
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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Who's paying the bills for this wedding?  If you want the wedding in 2010, and you intend to do the planning yourself, have it whenever you want it.However, if you're expecting your mom to pay for it, and to do the unpaid job of a wedding planner, then I think she gets more than a little say in the date.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    mob2006mob2006 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with Trix.  I think your first issue is to decide if your mother's expectations about wedding planning matches yours.  If you want her to be heavily involved in the planning and to pay for the wedding, you will need to respect her time and money boundaries.  If you don't see her participating much in the planning and don't expect her to pay for much or anything at all, you really need to sit down with her and explain that.  My guess is that she'll be disappointed if she's not that involved but it's best to make your expectations understood now.  It will save you headaches later when she wants to "unexpectedly" take over your wedding planning and it isn't what you want.You need to decide what you want: a wedding in 2010 with little involvement from your mom or a wedding in 2011 with her participation.  By the way, just because she hasn't asked about the details of your proposal or the story behind your ring, it doesn't mean she isn't interested in your wedding.  I didn't ask my kids those questions when they were engaged because I viewed that as something personal between the couple that they would have shared with me if they wanted.
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    duckie1905duckie1905 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    yup yup trix and mob
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    NotNumbersNotNumbers member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My answer was based on the assumption that you were paying for the wedding yourself.  I forget that so many people have their parents pay.  If she is paying (or making a large financial contribution) then that does change matters and she does have more of a say in the date.  In that case, you need to reach a mutual agreement and compromise.
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    mal029mal029 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Compromise it is. Thanks, ladies. I had a gut feeling that compromising would be the right and mature way to handle it. I guess I just needed some reassurance. Thanks!!
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    Kristin789Kristin789 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If your mother is hosting, then your wedding will be in 2011. If I were you, I'd choose a date early in 2011. I have a good friend who got married on the SUNDAY night of the MLK weekend in January. She got VERY low prices for everything because it was a Sunday, not a Saturday, and everyone got to have Monday off after the wedding, so no one missed work due to travel. AND she gets to have a long weekend every year to celebrate her anniv.
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    SHAWNEE31SHAWNEE31
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Do not change your date my originial date was october 10 of 2009 i changed it to April of 2010 same reason my mom. My mom has not been helpful i really regret changing it, i had to jump through so many hoops to change it and it has been a pain. DO not change it enless it is for your own reasons. My mom  has been the same way she did not ask about the  proposal or anything.
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    TruchanaTruchana member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Honestly, this is not your mothers wedding, and a wedding lasts ONE day. That is ridiculous to put it off an entire year because mommy wants to focus all her attention on it.   Most of the attention on the wedding will be yours.  My friends planned their weddings with hardly any help from their mothers, at their mothers choosing.  I honestly think it's funny when people postpone a one day event instead of actually moving on with their lives for years because they want to totally focus on it.  Next year, your mom is going to have another reason she wants you to postpone it.  If you listen to your mom now, regardless of who is paying, you are setting her up to have a lot of control in your life later on, which I highly doubt your fiance will like.You pick a date based on what you and your fiance want and what is good for your lives, after all, this is the start of your lives together.  By the tone of your post, it sounds like she wants you to wait because she doesn't like him - manipulation tactic.  I'm telling you right now, I just got married, wedding planning is not a full time job unless you let it be, especially if you give yourself enough time. The only times that it really gets hectic is right in the beginning when you start booking and researchin vendors, and then the  final couples months when invites go out, showers are thrown, rsvp's come in, seating charts completed, etc.  Everything inbetween is not a big deal and you can work on DIY projects and stuff.  Seriously, do not put off your wedding date because of mom.  Do you what you want to do.  If she's a manipulative mother, then she will withhold the money she was going to give you, but if she's really willing to do that, do you even want the money from her???
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    JaimeePJaimeeP
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Are you and your fi able to plan (and pay) for the wedding without a lot of help from your mom? If yes, then you should set the 2010 date that you want. If you expect her to pay, maybe a wedding isn't in her budget, right now.
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    kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    With all 3 of my married DDs, I advised them to choose the date that works the best for the absolute "non-negotiables".  Those are the people you really want to be able to attend and want to make sure you don't choose a date that makes it impossible for them to be there. That involves both sides of the family, unusual work schedules, school schedules, military obligations, other weddings of family members/close friends, etc.  You can't just take your mom's desire to be able to concentrate on your wedding as the deciding factor here.Look at the big picture here and decide what works best for you, your FI, and your non-negotiables.  Then set the date that is best all around.I think her heart is in the right place - she wants you to have the most perfect wedding.  She just doesn't realize the big picture of what she is requesting.Good luck to you!
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    TruchanaTruchana member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    EXACTLY what  kmmssg said.  Sorry, mine was a little more emotionally driven since I just got married.  There are a ton of issues that go into planning a wedding date, the location of a wedding, guest lists,  etc. The bottom line though is that is it YOUR wedding, hopefully something you will do once in your life, and should be what you want.   There will be things people start to suggest a you go along the way, and if it is from the people that are paying, try making them happy by taking a few suggestions, but the money given for a wedding would hopefully be a gift, and not a manipulation tactic to get what your mom wants. As Kmmssg said, you need to find a date that works the best for both of you and your the important players in wedding. If it has to do with mom wanting to wait to save more money, well than that is a slightly different issue, but if the sole issue is that she wants more time to plan, that is crazy.
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    dianenjnjdianenjnj member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    a few months either way,  in the scheme of things,  doesn't really matter...you'll (hopefully)be married for many, many years. 
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