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Is engagement party a must?

rsmehtarsmehta
10 Comments
in South Asian Weddings
Hey all...I was wondering if anyone had insight on whether having an engagement party is necessary? My FI is very non-traditional- he is Indian, but does not have a bone of Indian culture. My family is more traditional and keeps insisting that we need to have an engagment party. My parents not only want us to have a traditional Indian engagement party, but also indirectly expect his parents to host it since apparently it is Indian custom for the guy's side to have it? His family is willing to have a party for us, but my FI is very resistant to it. He doesn't understand why we have to do all these traditions when neither of us know what they mean and he thinks an Indian wedding is enough. He also does not see the point as it is an extra cost and our funds are limited. We talked about having something small with only immediate family, but even that he does not want... I am more traditional and I really want an engagement party but I don't know how to convince him! Any thoughts?
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Re: Is engagement party a must?

  • Meghana55Meghana55 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    It is absolutely not necessary to have an engagement party, nor should your FI's parents be expected to throw it.  And them being "willing" to foot the bill is not enough of a reason to have an engagement party.  A lot of the old customs generally do not apply anymore, especially with more and more couples paying for their own weddings with less involvement from the parents.  If your FI's family really WANTS to throw you two an engagement party and your FI is against it, then his parents should explain why the tradition would mean a lot to them.  By what you're saying it seems that he would be uncomfortable with any type of engagement party, whether big or small, so you should discuss exactly why he feels this way.  If he's really against having an engagement party, "convincing" him may not be the best idea.  And if he does eventually come around to the idea of a party, again his parents are under no obligation to throw the party and shouldn't be coaxed into it.  If your family is very traditional and wants it, they should foot the bill. PLUS - if your FI is saying that funds are already limited and your only at the start of the planning stages, you absolutely shouldn't not spread yourself thin for an engagement party. 
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  • katie978katie978 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I definitely agree with Meg.  We did the engagement puja at FILs's house with just them and us.  That aspect of the tradition/religion can easily be taken care of without expense.But it sounds like you just really want the party  :)  Certainly understandable, but I think Meg makes a good point there too ... trust us, you're going to need every last $ for the wedding so you may not want to add to it with an engagement party.That said, if your parents have the $ and are willing to pay for the party, then I think its fine for you to say to FI that you really want to have it and see if he will agree (provided your parents pay for it since you're the one who wants it)
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  • shilps2000shilps2000
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    engagement parties are jsut another excuse to have a party (dont get me wrong - i love any reason to party!)  if you say you are traditional then what you really should want is an engagement puja, which can be done in the home without all the bells and whistles.  we did have one b/c to be honest - i wanted a party! and FI and I paid for it b/c his parents didnt have the funds and my parents were paying for the wedding.   and im not even that traditional so i didnt care so much about the puja part - but i did think it was a good way for both extended families to meet and greet before the wedding.  and drink. and dance. :)If you do want one that bad like the pps say if funds are an issue - save the $$ for the wedding.  You could do an engagement puja in one of your homes and have close friends and family over as a regular get together so its not so big of an event.   I bet it would still be just as fun. Also when you say his family is "willing" to throw a party i dont know if that means they are happy to do it or feel like they are obligated to do so....if they arent stressing over funds and this is something the genuinely want to do, then thats one thng.   but if they feel like they have to, i'm not sure convincing your FI is the right way to go.  If you and your family are really the ones that want something thrown, then traditions like who pays for what should really go out the window.  GL!
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  • versace1008versace1008
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Its not necessary, I didn't do one, I got engaged in Dec 08, married Aug 15th,2009 why bother planning two events!But if you both want one you both need to agree to do it bec its probably a lot of work -if you are having a party and he will not be wanting to talk about it or help out if he gets forced into this and not sure when you are getting married but if its close to the wedding then that will be hard for you. Also if there is the funds issue then that will be hard to deal with too!All my events were funded my my parents, his parents didn't fund anything at all! The funds situation gets sticky!
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  • erin&andyerin&andy member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    FI's parents asked us if we were going to have one.  My parents were paying for the wedding and sure as heck weren't going to pay for an engagement party.  Since FI's parents didn't offer to pay for it and since Andy and I couldn't afford it, we just didn't do one.  I wish we had, but whatever.  It's not really a necessary deal.  
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