How can I get my fiance more involved in the planning??

*'*erin*'* · September 2009

Hi everyone! Being engaged is such a happy & exciting time for us, but there's also so much to do as far as planning, and I'm beginning to feel like it's all on my shoulders. I work full time like my fiance & I'm also going to school part-time, so making time for planning the wedding details is beginning to stress me out! I know most men in general like to leave this to their future brides, but doesn't it seem a little unfair? I'm just venting, but I really need to to think of a good way to get my fiance more involved & willing to help out. We don't want to pay for a wedding planner, so I'm wondering how I can get him to help me tackle this checklist we've got. Let me know if any of you brides feel the same way & have any advice! THANKS!! Erin

squirrly · September 2009

Go through the to-do list with him (if you need a list, theknot has a good one, as does weddingwire.com). Ask him which things he'd like to be responsible for. Maybe researching DJs/bands and making a must play / do not play list, for example, would be something he'd be interested in. Once you have that list, put a timeline to it. Then, don't harass him about it except at the intervals you both agreed to on the timeline.Also, if you need help here or there with a specific thing, ask him very specifically for what you want. "Honey, could we take 30 minutes after dinner and stuff/seal/put stamps on all the STD envelopes? I could really use your help?" The biggest thing is don't expect him to just randomly ask to help. Some guys will. Most aren't that into all the details. But, he will likely be into a few things, and willing to help you with others if you just let him know exactly what you need. HTH.

*'*erin*'* · September 2009

Thank you for the great advise! I'll definitely be using your tips

noelle24 · September 2009

Withold sex ;-) Maybe try finding something he is interested in, and give him full control of it. Some guys might be bored by invites and other details, but can really get into booking the honeymoon, the DJ, or the caterer.

LesPaul · September 2009

Be specific. He won't just pick up and do something - if a guy doesn't know what to do, he will do nothing. I'm sure he would be happy to help, so give him specific tasks.

Kristin789 · September 2009

Your bio doesn't say where you are from, but here in the south, a guy has to be very careful with this.The MOB is usually very territorial about her hosting duties for the wedding, because the MOB will be judged by the wedding she hosts for her daughter.If he participates voluntarily, he'll be seen as sticking his nose in.If he asks how he can help, he'll be seen as manipulative and pushy.Most MOG's tell their sons to just stay back, because you don't want to start off being seen as a pushy aggressive guy who will manipulate his new bride.

squirrly · September 2009

Ignore Kristen. I'm in the south too. Not all MOBs are like that. In fact, I haven't met one under 80 who would be. On top of that, if you and your FI are paying for your own wedding, it really doesn't matter as your mom wouldn't be the host - you all will. Finally - even if your mom and/or dad are contributing, most would want you and your FI to have a wedding that makes you happy. If you're worried about that, you can include your mom in the discussion of the to-do list & timeline I mentioned before.

goheels05 · September 2009

Today it's kind of outdated to think that the groom should have little to do with the planning. My husband was just as involved as I was. I showed him the checklist and delegated some stuff to him. Also, I'd let him know what we were doing several days in advance: "Hey, can we make some time to look at venues next weekend?" "Our invitations should go out 6 weeks before our wedding, do you think you could help me finish them up a few nights after work this week?" and he was more than willing to help.

noelle24 · September 2009

If you and your FI are time-travelers from the 1950's, by all means follow Kristen's advice. If, however, you are NOT throwbacks to that era, I'd recommend following the other excellent advice you've gotten in this thread.

*'*erin*'* · September 2009

Haha, yeah things have definitely changed over the years! My FI & I are from the south also (Texas) but my mom knows that the FI & I are pretty hands on with the planning, & she's totally fine with it! Of course I like my parents to feel involved still & having my mom help me with some of the details is great, but she lets us go w/ what we want for the most part. They're paying for a little more than half & we're paying the rest. I'm 25 & my FI is 31...we've both been out on our own for several years, so I'm sure that makes a difference in how some people plan their weddings also. I made a little list for my FI last night w/ a few duties I thought he'd get into along w/ due dates, & he thought it was cute & said he's excited to work get started on his tasks. I guess I'm learning that men work much better when we specifically tell them what we need!

Cricket127 · September 2009

Hi Erin, Greetings! In a way, I'm sort of in the same boat so I do empathize. Perhaps get your fiance involved in a few things tat would pertain directly to him. Such as? Music, tastings of food, locations that are important to you both, and perhaps gifts. I remember asking my fiancee about his opinion on these things and I believe he became more excited about it and appreciated my asking his help. I think men do like to be involved--they're frequesntly lower key than brides are about these things.

jeanacorina · September 2009

Ask him what aspects of the wedding/reception/honeymoon are important to him. For mine, it was the food. He wants really fantastic food.So, he's in charge of that.Whether or not he pulls through, I'll let you know in a few months. But he was perfectly happy to be in charge of something that he cares about.

britab · September 2009

My guy helped some but when he didn't want to I would make decisions alone. Then he would criticize. I finally told him he had to be happy with what I did if he wasn't going to help. He stopped that.Like the others said, I put him of charge of other things. I told him he was responsible for all groomsmen related things (thank yous, presents). I was at the point where if he let that drop I didn't care. My sister was my biggest help. A lot of guys just don't get the wedding thing.I would make appointments (DJ, caterer, etc.) and he would come with me.

MattnLeah · September 2009

Sometimes you've just gotta make it fun... I know that sounds childish but guys are totally different than us.

And thrive on competition. So try this... I bet I can book a DJ before you can book the limo. Or I bet I can stamp more STD's than you in 5 minutes. This is just an idea but I hope it helps!

cootieface123 · September 2009

tommyandy i love that advice. my fiance is in the same species as most of these fiance's are. we're about a year out though so hopefullly once he realizes its time to actually start making real decisions he may be more of a help. i probably overwhelmed him though when we decided to start making plans because i was so excited and impatient and a whole year and 3 months looked so far away lol. anyway now that we are getting to that 1 year point i'm gonna steal your advice.

bail229 · September 2009

A lot of guys seem to enjoy organizing the cars. Maybe you could suggest that to him?

mkr42 · September 2009

A lot of things about a wedding are "girly" in the perspective of the groom. As a generalization, men are not too concerned about flowers, centerpieces, decorations or the like. Try to delegate tasks to him that he will be able to give you real feedback with. My fiance loves good food, so he was in charge of picking the type of food we were going to have. As another person posted, giving him options is another great idea. With both our wedding and our registry my fiance is pretty uninvolved. To get him more involved I will give 2-4 examples of flowers, colors, cakes, etc. and let him pick his favorite. Another important thing to remember is that if you ask for his advice, dont ridicule him or write off all his suggestions. Otherwise he will feel that his advice is really not needed or wanted and he will not continue to give it. Finally, ask him to visit www.theplunge.com it is kind of a male version of theknot.com. I think its hysterical and it gives some good advice for guys on how to help their bride, while always giving out some comedic relief. Hope this helps!

asangregory · September 2009

My fiance has been great about being involved in the planning process. Here's some things that I've found to be helpful. > I try to talk about our wedding in terms of "our", not "my" wedding. That way I'm thinking about both of us, not just what I want. > While we have a to-do list that we're working through, I try to find out what HE wants to work on. So if we just have a half hour here or there, I ask him what he'd like to work on. > We divi up the work... like, "hey, can you call these places tonight or track down this phone # for me?" Hope this helps!

jjwin09 · September 2009

Hi Erin,......seriously why bother to include him. All he really needs to do is show up. I think with partners like that you just need to be aware that they are just not into it.....with that said. If he's ok with all your decisions than everything should work out fine. My husband and I got married fourteen yrs ago in a civil ceremony. After the party I said to him 'you owe me " and for our ten yr anniversary, we had a blessing of our marriage and had a reception with 33 guests. My party is still the talk. No one wanted to end the evening. And all my husband did was show up and pay the bill. He was shocked at the location, it was primarily are closest friends and family. And the food was to die for. I took care of every detail. My gown was $25.00,( a steal at Nordstrom off the rack at a outlet mall.) The food including location was $3000. 00, accessories for gown were $25.00, the flowers and DJ combined $600.00, and I even had a chocolate fountain, for $500.00, invitations $30.00 at Target. One FANTASTIC reception PRICELESS. !!! You can do it. Have a little creativity, patience, and fun. It goes by soooo very fast.

Nikkiesix · September 2009

When asking your future hubby for help, you have to be VERY SPECIFIC and posibbly assist. My. FI is helpful, but I have to direct him. I consult with him on everything even though he says, its up to me, I want him to be included. I thaknfully have 8 very supportive and involved bridesmaids who have helped me. If you just got engaged, my suggestion is to have a longer engagement if possible. FI and I have been engaged for 2 yrs, our wedding is in 18 days. I purposly wanted a longer enagement due to saving money and they DIY projects. At this point I am confident and almost all my "stuff" is taken care of. I work full time as well, FI works 2 jobs, so I understand not having alot of time. ! Hopefully you can find a happy medium and have support from bridesmaids and family!

!Good luck and happy planning!

Ms.Natty · September 2009

I would honestly say that my groom has done more work and planning than I have, so perhaps I'm not the best person to give advice here. But for what it's worth ... When we got engaged we sat down and decided together the tone of the wedding we wanted. From there we each talked about the elements of the ceremony and reception that were important to us. From this list, we each took charge of the things that were most interesting to us. (He took food, reception location and drinks; I took music, dessert, ceremony readings, guest book and decorations). The things that neither of us cared about (invitations) we did 50-50.The above technique was perfect for us in that we each got to work on the stuff we like doing. But it obviously wouldn't work if you're the type of girl who doesn't want to compromise a lot.

Ms.Natty · September 2009

One more thing, I made it very clear from the moment we got engaged that either he would do half the work, or we would elope. He made the call that he wanted to have a wedding. So there was never a second that he thought he would be able to just let me take charge. He has never been anything but helpful.

vicymar · September 2009

You should talk to him first, but I also think that it all depends on the type of guy he is. I for one have been very lucky, I didn't have to ask him to help me. In fact when I've wanted to do things without him like go see a photographer or florist, he has asked me to go when he can go, because he wants to be part of everything. But that is just his personality, not all guys are the same, just like not all brides are the same. But he also has to understand how many things you have going on and that you need his help.

Kimerly14 · September 2009

Hi, ErinI thought I was the only one having that problem. My wedding is Saturday, November 14, 2009 and thank goodness I started planning after we set our date in January 2009. My fiance' acted like he wasn't interested about the wedding planning, but I found out later that he just didn't know any better. When he got married the first time, he went to the courthouse. In order to get him involved, I assigned specific tasks to him (limousine service, where we are going to spend our wedding night, tuxedos, talking to our pastor about the wedding ceremony). I also had him on a three-way conversation with our caterer to get him involved with the reception (even though he didn't have much to say) and had him to look at our reception location with me. As the time is getting closer to November 14, he has made a 180 degree turnaround in his attitude. He can hardly wait. Maybe your fiance' feels the same way. He just doesn't know any better. I hope this help. I truly, truly understand what you are going through.Kimerly

Wisnowskibride · September 2009

Hey ErinI have the opposite problem. My fiance is over involved. He has an opinon on EVERYTHING! I feel like I'm planning my wedding with another bride...who would have thought this football loving, beer drinking, ripped t-shirt wearing guy would want --(a shamrock vodka bar, steel drum band, hour and 1/2 cocktail hour, khaki colored suites, ect..ect..ect..)ALL I have to say is that an under involved guy might have its benefits!!!Terri

How can I get my fiance more involved in the planning??

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