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crfische · September 2009

I have a question. I have a friend who is recently sober, and has been for about 6 months (awesome). My question is this. If we go out with her and her husband, is it impolite to order a glass of wine with dinner? What about if there's like 8 of us? Or out to dinner with just her? Or if we all get together to playboard games, can we have booze? My instincts say that no, we shouldn't drink around her, but other people tell me I'm being too sensitive (which I would rather error on the side of caution of), but was wondering your thoughts.

georgia_bride09 · September 2009

What if you want to though? I mean why is it your responsibility to stay sober with her? I could see her husband taking that role, but I don't think it's your responsibility to do so. Yes if it's just the two of you, but in a group situation, I don't think so.I just think that if my friend were going through something like that, I could hang out for a while and not have to drink. I don't feel like I have to drink everytime we go somewhere. It's just personal preference.

vicmo5 · September 2009

I think it's sweet that you're concerned, but honestly I think you should be able to order a glass of wine. It's not like you're inviting her to go out to the bar or something. Both of my brothers are recovering alcoholics (one within 6 months) and I still drink wine around both of them. They're fine with it.

SwedishChick2011 · September 2009

Personally, I would either ask her or just drink something non-alcoholic. Six months sober is great (good for her!), but it's still a relatively short period of time. Also, you can always make sure you're hooked up to the margarita IV.

BecW2be · September 2009

I think if it's just you and her, I wouldn't. But couples and groups should be fine. I don't think I'd get snockered around her, but I see nothing wrong with a drink or two.

crfische · September 2009

Well, her husband drinks, I know this, but he doesn't drink around her that I can tell. So I don't know if he's hiding from her that he drinks or if he is just being sensitive to her needs. Also, and this is selfish, but if we had been out with her, had drinks, and I found out later that that was a trigger to relapse, I would feel so tremendously guilty.

LesPaul · September 2009

Depends on the person and how comfortable they are with it. I wouldn't order any wine up front, but if that person said 'go ahead - I don't mind' then I would drink in front of her. But agree w/ pp to not make it the focus of any gtg.

ac_in_dc · September 2009

I'm not sure, but I don't think she'll relapse because of you. You know she's recovering so she is accountable to you. If she's out with strangers at a business conference or something and everyone starts drinking, that's when she'll be vulnerable.

SwedishChick2011 · September 2009

Also, and this is selfish, but if we had been out with her, had drinks, and I found out later that that was a trigger to relapse, I would feel so tremendously guilty.I don't think that's selfish...that's caring about your friend.

[Deleted User] · September 2009

I've experienced this a lot with FMIL and FI always tells me to have a drink if I want, dont' let it stop me. He says that she needs to know the world around her won't adjust so she needs to, and that means learning to deal with others drinking around her. To clarify, he isn't totally insensitive to the situation, but he wants her to be realistic in her recovery, knowing that there will be times she just needs to be strong. If I were in her shoes, I would feel uncomfortable knowing that everyone was holding back because of me. I wouldn't want all that attention.

danieliza1127 · September 2009

Also, and this is selfish, but if we had been out with her, had drinks, and I found out later that that was a trigger to relapse, I would feel so tremendously guilty.That's understandable but do you know her triggers? For example, for our friend, it's not social drinking with friends that would cause a relapse. For her, she has serious anxiety issues, is insanely high strung, and would drink in secret as a way to mellow out her anxiety on a daily basis. So seeing us drink over dinner or a get together wouldn't be a problem for her. Having a huge blow-out fight with her husband or something major and anxiety inducing might though.Either way, if you feel uncomfortable drinking around her then just don't drink around her for a while.

ffmaid · September 2009

What is normal in your social circle if you go from millions of margaritas to dry she wil feel guilty. I woudl moderate whatever is the normal habit. So a glass of wine or a margaritta but not 20 . I also would make sure that you consider bringing things liek fancy fruit drinks or yummy italian sodas to events in addition to alcololic drinks for a while. ( I just had a sparkling cranberry limeaid from trader joes that was amazing for example)

rugbybride2 · September 2009

Honestly, I would ask her how she feels about being around alcohol. I was sober for 8 months but still went out with friends.

jfgrad06 · September 2009

I agree with the PP that said it's really hard not to do it when you're around a bunch of other people (particulary good friends) that are. Asking her SO is the best thing I can think to do. She would most likely tell you it's completley fine if you drank so she doesn't feel like she's ruining your time. But it may in fact bother her. I don't think I would drink.

mocha beans · September 2009

I think you'd be okay to order a glass of wine, but I would probably keep it to the one glass, maybe two if it's a very long dinner. 6 months is good, but I think part of it is how far into her recovery program is she? If she's still in the early stages, that could be harder than if she's further along. I would definately avoid any of the fun drinking stories that sometimes come up at dinner, that might make her feel nostalgic and not in a good way.Or take some cues from her body language. If she looks a bit uncomfortable if others order alcohol, then I'd probably just do water. But if she looks fine and it doesn't appear to affect her, then you're probably okay.

J&K10910 · September 2009

Everyone is different. Somep eople might be just fine with you drinking around them at 6 months, while it might make others horribly uncomfortable. I would just ask her. IMO, it's likely if she's going out with a group of you and she knows you're all drinkers, she's prepared to deal with the fact that you'll likely drink and she's probably ok with it. Congrats to her!

jessiegirl_98 · September 2009

I would talk to her. I worked in SA treatment for awhile and being around alcohol was a trigger for most of my clients. They would hang out with friends who were drinking and next thing you know, they were drinking. So, if it's only been 6 months I would avoid it if you can, especially when it's just you guys (or a small group). If it's a large group, I wouldn't say anything to everyone because that would be akward and make her feel uncomfortable. As time goes on, you can loosen it up a bit.

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