Advice?

ring_pop · September 2009

I've posted occasionally about MIL's shenanigans (like whining that our thank you speeches weren't long enough, and wanting her wedding money back). That's all just the tip of the iceberg though... DH deals with a lot more of it.She basically calls him every other day to complain about something. DH told me that he's fed up with her issues. The negativity is really stressing him out, and he's seriously considering cutting off contact with her. She won't go to counseling, because she doesn't see anything wrong. She sees herself as a martyr who's always being wronged by the world.The thing is, we can't cut off MIL without cutting off FIL (whom we love), and I think FIL would just about die of heartbreak if it were to happen.I of course want to support DH in whatever he wants to do, but I've never been in a situation where I considered such drastic action with my own family. I feel kind of helpless; I can't do anything but listen to him and offer my support. Any thoughts, particularly from anyone who doesn't have a relationship with one or both of their parents? What can I do?

NuggetBrain · September 2009

MIL hardly ever lets FIL out of the house alone except for work and grocery shopping.This makes her seem completely BSC. I feel so bad for your FIL, what a horrible way to live.

buttaflai · September 2009

east, that is what H does and it got to the point where he was hanging up every time or leaving her house every time - she still does it. how would you advise THAT one?I hope it works out, ring. It's a tiring situation, but I'm sure your H is happy to have your support.

tomkat2010 · September 2009

I guess I have a similar situation, in that I don't speak to my stepmother anymore (long story), so when I call my dad, I only call his cell, and usually I call in the evenings when I know he's driving home from work, so he's alone. Or he calls me when he's driving home. And FI and I plan to visit him and other fam over the holidays, but to avoid being around my stepmother, we will either stay with my aunt or in a hotel, and we'll just meet up w/ my dad somewhere, i.e. dinner, etc. or at a family member's house. So if you cut off MIL, could you do that - call FIL's cell only, during times when he's alone or visit, but not see him at their house?

ac_in_dc · September 2009

I think DH needs to answer calls once a week, not every other day. He can call his dad's cell phone to talk to him, and speak with his mom no more than once a week, and shut down her complaints by just saying he has to go. Once she realizes she can no longer hold his attention, she'll stop. This is what I do with my mom. I limit my contact, although it's still stressful to talk to her, it's workable.

shanwalk2 · September 2009

I 100% agree with east's first post. She's totally correct and offered great advice.Also, I think picking up the phone once a week and encouraging your DH to "control" the conversation more will empower him - and give his mom a moment of reality. good luck!

ring_pop · September 2009

It's OK tlv, no worries at all about the rant... it helps to hear others' experiences. Thanks.I'm going to talk to our marriage sponsors about counseling us and possibly FIL through this, and try to figure out how to use some of the strategies that all of you have suggested.

Kristin789 · September 2009

Tell your wedding officiant about this, then schedule a meeting with him on October 15. Then have DH tell his parents that they have to come to this 2-month-married meeting, because it's at this point that the newlywed couple and their now-joined parents come together and evaluate the merging of the families and the changed status of the two "kids" who are now married adults. Your parents come too, and at this meeting, everything is spelled out by the minister/priest/whoever. It's been my experience that parents are willing to manipulate and hassle their children and the spouses of their children, but when someone in a higher position and probably older tells them to cut that out, they do...

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