Wedding Etiquette Forum

almost had a heart attack...

Some of you may recall my post a couple weeks ago about offering to put together a wedding reception for a friend of mine that's getting married in November. They were just going to JOP and skip out on all the other stuff due to financial issues, but my parents and I decided to pitch in and cover the cost to do a little something for them. Nice, right? My friend was really appreciative and said all they wanted was something small and low key so I assumed ehh, 50 people or so, some small finger foods and drinks...ya know, keep it simple.So I was talking to her yesterday about a venue I had suggested and her response was "I don't think that place will work." When I asked why not, she said "We were thinking like 200 people and that place won't be big enough.""TWO HUNDRED PEOPLE?! WTF ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR GD MIND?!" was my first thought, but all I could get out was "Oh wow." I had to nicely, calmly remind her that yes, we offered to pay for a recpetion for them but 200 people is absolutely ridiculous and we can't afford that. If she wants that many guests, someone else is going to have to fork over the money. I felt bad saying that but at the same time I was like  c'mon, you can't take advantage of someone that's already doing an incredibly nice thing for you. I know she didn't intend to come off that way though. She's not a greedy, ungrateful person or anything...she just doesn't quite think things through sometimes. But she called me back later that day and apologized and said they cut their guest list to 75. I can live with that. Crisis averted. Thatisallkthanksbye.

Re: almost had a heart attack...

  • Whoa, holy crap.  Clearly she wasn't thinking at all :)

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
  • Pfft I wouldn't have felt bad about saying that to her at all. She's ridiculous to think that she could have a party that big on your dime.
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  • That's good that they cut back. I would have had to back out if it were 200 people.
  • I don't think that people have any concept of how much a wedding reception costs, unless they have planned or are in the process of planning one themselves.  I would write it off to that.  At least she came around (and hopefully said Thank you) 
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  • Yeeeah. It's hard to explain. She's one of those "book smart" people that tends to lack some common sense. She's a sweet girl but has these monents where you're like "you can't be a real person."
  • Before offering her that reception, did you provide a maximum amount?andwhydopeopletypekthanksbyelikethis
  • Not to sound like a jerk or anything, but I totally figured stuff like this would happen when I read your last post about this. Paying for someone else's wedding just sounds like it will be an incredibly touchy and delicate situation. Gifts always create a sense of obligation, and I can totally see the potential for resentment on both sides of this.Luckily you guys both sound like reasonable & caring folks. Good luck!!  
  • That's a very generous off you and your parents.  Seriously, I would have had a heart attack too.
  • You're exactly right, Tide. She's never been involved in wedding planning and has no idea how expensive it can get. And yes, she definitely has said thank you and all of that good stuff.
  • Whew!  Good thing you spoke up right away before things got out of hand.
  • umm, when i think small and low key, i think a fun bbq for 25 people.
  • Buttaflai, I didn't set an eactn umber of guests or a dillaor amount. When I told her we wanted to do it for her, she said all they wanted was something small and simple so I left it al that. I never imagined 200 was small though.Pretty sure she just got caught up in the excitement and let the guest list get out of hand. But hers isn't bad compared to the 600 person guest list her sister has for her wedding...
  • Ah gotcha... glad to hear she cut the list though! 200 is definitely not a small party.
  • Sooles, You hit the nail on the head. That was more like what I had in mind when this all started. It'll work out though. It won't some extravaggant affair, but it will be nice.
  • I had 75 people or so at my wedding, and it did not feel small. that still seems rather large to me especially if someone else is paying for it.
  • Buttaflai, PS = I don't know WTF was wrong with my typing in that last response. I'm ashamed actually.
  • I think to go so far as to make a guest list of 200 people is losing focus of the gift she was offered. I would never make that large of even a tentative guest list especially if someone else is footing the bill. I hope she reels it in, big time.I would also maybe lay down some ground rules about other 'extras' such as favors, centerpieces, etc. But that's just me.
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  • The reason I asked about a max IS because people don't realize how much it all costs. I agree with PP... you might need to set some boundaries. Even though she cut to 75, maybe you could give a max price per head just so that she doesn't have anymore momentary relapses of judgment. It would save you both some awkward convos if she all of the sudden thinks full bottles of champagne is a "laid-back" favor.
  • Valley, That's not a bad idea at all. We haven't really discussed any of those things yet. I'm glad you mentioned it though. She keeps telling me some of her family members and other friends are offering to help so that might be any easy thing to pawn off on one of them to take the burden off of me. It would work out well if one person takes care of favors, grandma smith gets centerpeices, someone esle can bring all the plates/napkins/crap, uncle bob can bring drinks, etc.
  • umm, when i think small and low key, i think a fun bbq for 25 people. Exactly what I was thinking.
  • Yeah, I hate to be negative about this, but I think this will be the first in a long line of potential heart attacks.  We only had 65 people at our reception and even though we did it on a budget it still ended up costing a small fortune and it was a lot of work.  All I can say is that you are a very nice friend.
  • I won't let it get out of hand. And it's like I keep saying, it's not going to be some fancy cocktail reception at an expensive venue. It won't be a 5 course meal, just some finger foods and muchy stuff. Her step mom is a cake decorator so the cake is covered already. Some of our other friends are pitching in offering to get decorations and handle the music. The only cost to me and my husband will be renting the space. My parents are paying for the food. Everyone else is helping out to cover the rest.
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