Not sure how to proceed. kinda long.

colleen1414 · September 2009

One of my bridesmaids recently flew out to come see me and stay with my FI and I. I was really excited for her trip since i had not seen her in about a year. We have been friends for about 10 years and she is 1 of 3 bridesmaids in my wedding.She was to stay a week. i live in a smaller city about an hour and a half away from a major city The first 5 days of her trip she insisted that we go into this major city every day. Mostly so she could see this guy she likes. Every day we had to go into the city, just so she could see this guy. Which was kinda fine ( kinda annoying) but she was the guest. on the 5th night she wanted to go clubbing in the major city again so she could see this guy. This time i said i didnt want to. since public transport was not an option to get back home after the bars close, our only three options would be to drive back drunk or pay $300 or more for a cab back or pay for a hotel. which is costly and which are not good options. i suggested we go out clubbing in my city. and her guy was welcome to come join us and spend the night here. (i even told her earlier he was welcome here all week if she wanted)That was not good enough for her. she wanted to go into the major city to see the guy. She was basically pouting until my guy agreed to drop her off to see this guy. i told her she really hurt my feelings and that i never get to see her, and that i felt ditched. i understand that she likes this guy and wants to see him, but that i also want to spend time with her too. the whole drive was really awkward. when we dropped her off she got out of the car and she told me she wanted to hang out with me tommoro and that i should call her.the next day i was going wedding dress shopping. at a store close to where her guy was living no less. (so it would be very easy for her to stop by) i told her my appointment time and told her i would love it if she was there. she said she would be and would just be an hour as she was finishing up lunch. she never showed. i tried calling no answer. no texts messages. nothing. that was a couple weeks ago and still no word from her.that was the last i heard of her. im really hurt but should i be? i want to know what you guys think. was i a rude hostess or was she a rude guest? im just really sad since we have been friends for so long and i hate to throw away her friendship. also she is a bridesmaid in my wedding! opinions?

kellymaureen711 · September 2009

that's true. I think we all do agree. I guess, though, that OP should brace herself not to count on this girl being reliable for anything except showing up. Who knows, though, she could surprise you.

kellymaureen711 · September 2009

Right, but I think we all know that bridesmaids will pull together for certain things. She may be one of the ones that doesn't.

kellymaureen711 · September 2009

omg Brooke did someone make that comment about you on this board in all seriousness? the one in your signature, I mean?

bablingbrooke · September 2009

Yup. She's been banned. She said much worse. Read the "bablingbrooke" post down the page, it's discussed in more detail there.

kellymaureen711 · September 2009

In "Wedding Party"?

kellymaureen711 · September 2009

I see it now. What a hag!

bablingbrooke · September 2009

Yep. Should be about halfway down the page or so.

kellymaureen711 · September 2009

There are a series of events that lead up to traditional weddings, that perhaps include: engagement party, fitting, shower, bachelorette, rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, and wedding. Members of the bridal party, at least in my personal opinion, should make an effort to be at those things above and beyond a regular guest. NOW, every wedding varies. Since we're taking it to a personal level, I have 5 bridesmaids. Two couldn't make it to the shower, one can't make it to the bachelorette, and another won't stay over for the bachelorette because she is breastfeeding a small baby. And I never had a fitting; I just asked them to choose a color and choose a dress in said color from David's Bridal. This is all ok with me, because I know they're all doing the best they can. That's all I ask and that's all any bride should ask. My overarching point is, I don't think colleen1414 should be too shocked when the bridesmaid in question pays little to no regard to any of these events, when she forgets to purchase her dress, etc.

mbcdefg · September 2009

My overarching point is, I don't think colleen1414 should be too shocked when the bridesmaid in question pays little to no regard to any of these events, when she forgets to purchase her dress, etc. I agree with this. I also agree with StageManager that, ideally, we shouldn't really "expect" these things from ANY of our friends/BMs. But I don't think it's unreasonable for me to say that we've all got different types of friends ... those that we feel would be the types to typically do nice things for us (money- or time-permitting), and those that we know probably won't (due to a constant lack of time, money or interest). I think it's important for brides to do into planning knowing that BMs are never required to do anything more than get the dress and stand up in the wedding, and ESPECIALLY realize beforehand that friends' behaviors won't change just because they're getting married (meaning, these friends who are constantly a bit flakey or selfish aren't going to turn a new leaf just for the wedding).

tiffgriffin7 · September 2009

Bummer! I think she was a rude guest. It does sound like she was just using you to see this guy. It might be hard but you should try to call her and be honest that you are upset and tell her why.

peachkins · September 2009

OP, you put up with a lot more from your friend on this trip than I would have. I mean, I wouldn't have minded driving her into the city for a day or so, but an hour-and-a-half drive- one way- every day she's there? I don't think so. I agree with Retread and Babling. That is something that friends just don't do, and I would have to have a serious talk about it.

colleen1414 · September 2009

thanks everyone for your opinions! im leaning towards duckie11905's answer and just going to let going to give her a message and say im still hurt by this but would still like to talk again and move past this ect. forget it ect.Only i have no idea when i will be in the mood to do this, as i am still really hurt from this issue. It wont be anytime soon im thinking.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · September 2009

Wow... I might have planned a 1 night stay in the big city, but that would have been it! I think she was being a bad friend.However, relationships are complicated. Obviously she means a lot to you and you're usually very close since you invited her to be in your wedding. Since you mentioned you are still hurt, but you know she's okay, I'd say just back off for a month or so. Maybe she'll contact you. If not, when you are ready, contact her but don't talk about the wedding. She should apologize, but I wouldn't hold my breath. Perhaps apologize for being upset with her when you are ready and explain why you were - eventually someone is going to have to be the bigger person and make the first move.And if she's a flake (we all have friends who are), don't have high expectations. She probably won't be much into planning, so just throw her in a dress and have her march down the aisle.

Not sure how to proceed. kinda long.

Re: Not sure how to proceed. kinda long.

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