Out of Town ILS: what do you do?

juliebug1997 · September 2009

Even though we spent eight days with them last Christmas and it's my family's turn to have us for Christmas, we are going to Baton Rouge around New Year's, our first visit to his hometown as a married couple. Because things have been so very tense, I really want to stay at a hotel and have a rental car so that we have some freedom. Last year, we were begrudgingly given three hours at the mall on our own and an hour at Wal Mart. Never mind the fact that we're married now....We are almost positive that this is going to cause a huge problem. How do you guys handle this?

Jay&Marissa · September 2009

8 days...too long. You aren't staying that long this year right?

emimayor · September 2009

Well, this is tough. In my family or his it wouldn't be an issue and staying in a hotel would be a slap in the face under most circumstances. I'm one of the weird wives that look forward to going to see my IL's. They live in KC. I honestly think that since it is the first trip as husband and wife, you should stay there. After this trip, regardless of the outcome, you'll have more of a reference point for staying at a hotel. What does Bill say?

mandasue178 · September 2009

Yeah, talk this one through with Bill. Do you really want to have a horrible relationship with them forever? This will be a good measuring point. I'd also advise a shorter trip ... like 2 nights. If it crashes and burns, then next time you'll be able to stay in a hotel with no argument.

juliebug1997 · September 2009

We've already talked about it so I just wanted to know how you ladies handle it. I told him that we could stay with his parents but I would only then want to stay for two nights. If we got a hotel, we'd be there for about five nights. He's going to talk to his sister about it and see what she thinks.I asked if his parents would understand that, since we're married now, we would want some time to ourselves (and not just for special time). He said that they really wouldn't. I would have no problem with staying with his parents if they just weren't so.....rude-ish to me. Last Christmas, when we stayed with them, we dealt with: FIL telling me to shut up; FIL telling us that we had to brush our teeth before we went to the mall; both of them getting their panties in a twist because they were being left out of the wedding planning (we pretty much did that due to their unenthusiastic announcement that we were getting married); them not liking where we picked to have the rehearsal dinner (we decided to pay for it ourselves since they weren't happy about the wedding); the list goes on. It was just very awkward and not really very friendly. He talks on the phone to them every Sunday night and they never ask to talk to me and they never ask about me more than the superficial "How's Julie".

Tiffany618 · September 2009

To answer the question, what would I do? I believe I'd split the difference. Stay at the IL's home but pick up a rental car when you fly in so that you do have the freedom to come and go without being under their thumb the whole time.

shortgirltx · September 2009

We've been staying at another family members when we visit now. FMIL doesn't seem to have a problem with it but it's waiting for the other shoe to drop for me. But we drive so we have a car. I know BR is quiet a trip away...would you ever consider driving? Honestly the time before last I had a list of taxi numbers ready to go if things hit the fan and I wanted out of there...

Tiffany618 · September 2009

Also, I would think if they are insisting on welcoming you into their home, that they probably don't dislike you as much as you think. Have you tried making a special effort to bond with his mother? FIL may be more difficult to connect with, but going the extra mile to make MIL feel special might put them/her more at ease with you. (Not being critical here at all... I was just thinking about what I would attempt to do, but I know you may have already tried this)

Terriniski · September 2009

We're going to face the same issue at Christmas. Thus far, it sounds like my mom has become slightly more accepting of our marriage because she's mentioned a joint gift and arrangements to stay at home. I still think we will get a rental car so we can get out. I figure we can use that to offer to run errands, which will at least get us out of the house and mom will think we're helping. We might either make plans to see nearby touristy things or see my hometown friends. I think if we were to invite my hometown friends over to hang out we'd at least get a little space. Those are my initial plans, so we'll see how successful we are.

appletango85 · September 2009

I agree on the two nights plus a car thing.I can't see myself agreeing to stay more than that at my FMIL's house and they actually like me! It's just SO boring there bc David disappears in the back to play the computer with his brother so I have to make small talk ALL weekend. I hate smalltalk.

juliebug1997 · September 2009

Have you tried making a special effort to bond with his mother? FIL may be more difficult to connect with, but going the extra mile to make MIL feel special might put them/her more at ease with you. During the wedding process, I remembered that there were some pictures that didn't get taken at her daughter's wedding (she mentioned it repeatedly) so I wanted to make sure she had all the pictures she wanted. When I sent an email asking if there were any that she specifically wanted, I got a very curt email back from her. She felt that I should know exactly which ones she would want, etc. I've sent Mother's Day well wishes, anniversary congratulations, etc. and gotten nothing back--not even a thanks. I finally have stopped emailing her. Lastly, I think she will put up with me so that she can have her son staying at her home but it is very tense and cold situation.

JustinandLindsay2009 · September 2009

Ok, after reading through all of the responses, my feelings have changed. At first I was thinking that maybe you should just tough it out and stay with the IL's in order to maintain the peace....however, after reading all the responses and everything you've done for them and the way they have treated you, I have changd my mind. I think you should reserve a hotel room but stay the first night at the house - if they treat you badly, then you have somewhere else to go and if they want to know why you left, it is a good opportunity to tell them how their treatment hurts your feelings and makes you feel very uncomfortable. While i think it's very important to do everything you can to get a long with your IL's, I think it's also important that you stand up for yourself too.

Tiffany618 · September 2009

Great point, Lindsay. I completely agree...and Julie... I'm really sorry that you guys have to deal with this.

juliebug1997 · September 2009

and Julie... I'm really sorry that you guys have to deal with this.Thanks, ladies, for all your advice. Everyone kept saying that it gets better after the wedding but it really hasn't. I try to keep an upper lip but it gets me down sometimes. Especially when my family just absolutely adores Bill and thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread. I'm beginning to think my dad likes him better than me. :-) I don't want to upset them further but it's getting to the point where I am starting to resent them a lot.

Tiffany618 · September 2009

Has Bill ever had a heart to heart with them about the way they treat you? I mean it seems like they are doing this quite deliberately, but is there any possible way that they don't realize how they make you (and Bill) feel?

juliebug1997 · September 2009

I think he's hoping that they'll finally wake up and realize that things have changed no matter how much they wanted them to stay the same. He's just trying to ignore it. I know he feels the same way I do but he's also worried about alienating his parents. He's always been a people pleaser (like me) but at least I am not always afraid to speak my mind or defend myself.

shortgirltx · September 2009

Lindsay has a great point. Plus you need a place where you can 'escape' to.

Terriniski · September 2009

Chin up! You guys will figure it out in time... but it might be worth having a talk with Bill along the lines of "What happens if things never get better?" Jordan and I have had these talks before and it helps me be supportive of him and not just assume "Oh, mom will come around." We've agreed to try our best for a while and see if things don't improve. But out of respect for him, if they don't, we're going to have to stop going home for holidays (or for more than two days at a time). It will suck, but his family adores both of us, and so we have a welcome place to turn to.

Donnaaries · September 2009

Julie, it stinks that you have this relationship with your in laws. I can relate because FI's mom had it out for me for the first 3-4 of years of us dating. It got better the long we were together, mostly because I stopped having an opinion on things that I disagreed with her about, as long as it didn't "harm" me personally. Try to put yourself in your husband's shoes and approach the situation from that. How many days does he want to spend with his parents during the holidays? You had your turn last year, it's his turn this year. I had to stop thinking of everything as a Donna vs. FMIL situation, and more of a "what I'm willing to do/sacrifice for my dear FI" situation. Does he want to spend Christmas night at his parents' and open presents early in the morning with the family? Or does he not care and would rather a hotel room? How many days does he want to spend in Baton Rouge? I'd do it "his way" as long as it didn't kill me.Because next Christmas it's your turn again. And yes, it's great that your parents love Bill (just as mine really love my FI), but that doesn't substitute/replace time he wants to spend with his own family (assuming that he is close/on good terms with his family).I'm trying to speak from the perspective of having a FMIL who has passively agressively "disliked" me for almost 7 years now, starting with the initial disapproval because I wasn't the kind of girl she expected for FI (note, not white), then to the disapproval of my stance on being a working mom versus a SAHM, to the way I dress, and on and on and on. I was really prideful about it at first and made it into a me versus her battle, but after a while, I realized I was just "stooping" to her level if I did that. So I just started doing things for the FI if they were important to him, and letting her have her way most of the time because honestly, those are just a few days of discomfort and not a life changing/ending event for me. And now we actually get along better. She's by no means my best friend, but slowly I'm realizing that I can ignore a lot more things than I thought I ever could, and that her comments/actions don't change the way FI and I feel about each other or our life's goals together.

stephl3055 · September 2009

What do you guys do when they come to visit you? Do they stay in a hotel? If so, then I would think it would be perfectly acceptable for you two to stay in a hotel during your visit too.However, if they have stayed with you in the past, I would say you would need to stay in their home, at least for the first time. If they act up or whatever this time, then you have a good excuse to stay at a hotel the next time. I think your husband would appreciate you giving them another chance, and if they mess it up again, then that's something he needs to discuss with them. But I would rent a car no matter where you stay.

shortgirltx · September 2009

Another thing, do you have to decide this now? You could test the waters at Thanksgiving. I know that doesn't definitely mean they'll be the same at NYE but it's a chance to test the waters before making the decision.

juliebug1997 · September 2009

Bill will barely have three days to take at that point so it's not a question of how much time he wants to take but how much time can he take. Since this year is my family's turn at Christmas, next Christmas will be in BR. I got to see my family once for a couple of hours last Christmas since we were gone for a good portion of my break. Donna, I get what you're saying about trying to see her point of view but Bill doesn't have unlimited vacation anymore and they are both retired but refust to come here. If they wanted to see him more, they could come here and that would be fine with us. Stephie, traditionally, they have stayed in Bill's bed. We won't have the guest bedroom up and running before they get here so they're staying at a hotel five minutes away. They seemed a little put out with that too.I've kind of accepted that, no matter what, it's going to be my fault. I will be faulted for taking her baby away from her house and I will be faulted for him spending money on a rental car and/or a hotel room. I hate that New Years is three months away and I'm already worried about this.

shortgirltx · September 2009

((HUGS)) Julie. I hate you are having to deal with this. I'm here if you need to vent

juliebug1997 · September 2009

Again, thanks, girls. Bill's going to talk to his sister first to see what she makes of it. Then he's going to bring it up at first with just his dad. I want him to spend time with his family and I also want him to have better relationships with his brother and sister and extended family. I always wanted a bigger family. It's just not quite working out like I had hoped.

Out of Town ILS: what do you do?

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