Awkward Bridesmaid?

TangoKitsa · January 2010

My fiance and I have decided on three attendants each and so far I have picked two, but am having trouble with the third choice. There is a housemate (initially afriend-of-a-friend who needed a living situation) who I would like to ask as she lives right here (while my other bridesmaids live out-of-state), but I'm worried it may be awkward as we actually haven't known each other very long --just a couple of months--and we have mutual friends whom I have known longer (but am not particularily close to). These things don't bother me so much, but I am worried it may be awkward for her to say yes when we aren't super close or to say no as we share a living situation. Thoughts? Suggestions?
Thank you!

MyNameIsNot · January 2010

If you aren't that close, you shouldn't ask her. Asking people to even out numbers is a recipe for drama. She will know that you only asked her as a place filler. Just go with the two you have. If your FI has 3, that's fine.

jeannigirl · January 2010

The idea of a WP is that you ask people who are closest to you and that you could not see not having their by your side. If you are not close to this person than do not ask. Just because they live in the same house you do is not a reason to include them has your Honor attendants.

Are you asking her because she lives closest and she can do stuff for you. The only thing that your WP does is to buy their attire and show up. Theirs no duties of these indivivuals. This is a way of honoring those closest to you.

mbcdefg · January 2010

Don't set a number and then pick people to fill those slots ... pick your closest friends. If someone doesn't immediately come to mind, or if you have to talk yourself into asking them, then that's a sign that you shouldn't ask them.

Also don't pick people JUST because they live nearby. The point of having bridesmaids is to honor them as your close friend.s And it sounds like you're not particularly friends with this girl at all. And people will see right through it, trust me ... when you're chosen to be a space-filler, it becomes very obvious very quickly. And it's not a good feeling.

Stick with your two close friends and leave it at that. If your FI wants three groomsmen, then that's fine. One lucky girl can have two escorts. Problem solved.

Another idea - if you are close to a brother, male cousin or a male friend, ask him to stand up with you. But don't do it just to find a third warm body to match up the sides ... do it if you have a truly close guy in your life that you want to honor.

TangoKitsa · January 2010

Sorry, I just I should have clarified the situation a little bit more.
I would really like to have her in the wedding party--we get along great and I think she would be a lot of fun to have there with me. Plus, planning stuff together might be a great way to get to even closer.
It's not about filling the space either. I have no problem with an uneven number.
And the fact that she's really close is just an extra bonus, especially considering that my other bridesmaid are further away. (That didn't come off quite right the first time, did it...)
I'm just worried that she might find it awkward considering we haven't known each other that long and we have mutual friends whom I have known longer...but that she might not want to say no considering how often we see each other.

emilyinchile · January 2010

Planning stuff together is more likely to be a great way to totally screw up your firendship and your living situation unless she happens to love weddings.

Take a minute to read over some other posts on this board. A lot of people are frustrated with BMs who aren't jumping for joy 24/7 or helping run wedding errands, and the fact is that most people are not going to do either of those things with you, even if they're happy for you. Being in the WP doesn't bring people closer, but it can drive them apart.

If she is one of your closest friends, ask her. But if she's just someone who you think is cool and who might someday be a close friend, then don't ask her because that plan can backfire.

SarahPLiz · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_awkward-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:11b365a4-e596-45c4-948d-db345d10f129Post:5281e8d1-7406-45a7-a921-bfabb45a73be">Re: Awkward Bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry, I just I should have clarified the situation a little bit more. I would really like to have her in the wedding party--we get along great and I think she would be a lot of fun to have there with me. <strong>Plus, planning stuff together might be a great way to get to even closer.</strong> It's not about filling the space either. I have no problem with an uneven number. And the fact that she's really close is just an extra bonus, especially considering that my other bridesmaid are further away. (That didn't come off quite right the first time, did it...) I'm just worried that she might find it awkward considering we haven't known each other that long and we have mutual friends whom I have known longer...but that she might not want to say no considering how often we see each other.
Posted by TangoKitsa[/QUOTE]

This is the warning sign. She may not be into planning. she may not what to help, even if she is a BM. Then what? making someone a BM is not usually a good way to get closer to them. This could mean wedding talk 24/7 for her for the next year or so until your wedding and personally, i would not want to live like that.

FWIW, I think she'd be more likely to help if she didn't feel obligated (only in-town BM, lives in the same place,highly accessible). Don't ask her to be a BM so she can help you plan. Yes, it might sound like a friend-making strategy at this point, but you risk a big backfire if she isnt' into planning at all.

I say don't ask her. She won't expect to be asked because you aren't that close. There is more potential for you to end up here complaining about her lack of excitement and wanting to kick her out because you DIDN't get closer and she isn't interested in weddings, than if you just didn't ask her in the first place.

aerinpegadrak · January 2010

One of the best pieces of advice here is: People don't change because you get engaged. If you weren't close before, don't try to use the wedding to bring the two of you closer together; that usually backfires spectacularly. If you want to get closer to her, start hanging out more. Leave the wedding out of it.

I think WP should be a gut decision. If you're on the fence about someone, just let them attend as a guest. She can still be on the guest list for any pre-parties that get thrown for you, and perhaps can have another role at the ceremony like a reader or gift bearer.

mbcdefg · January 2010

From my experience ... if you have to talk yourself into why you ought to have someone as a bridesmaid, then that pretty much means that she shouldn't be one. It should be a snap decision in your mind. If you're not sure, then don't ask. Or at least wait a while longer and consider it and see if the friendship gets any stronger in the meantime.

If she wants to help you plan, she'll offer, whether she's a bridesmaid or not. People who AREN'T in my wedding have mostly been the ones to ask how things are going and to offer their help. I doubt people who really want to help out would think, "Well, I'm not a bridesmaid so I won't make the offer even though I really want to." And like PPs said, including her in the hopes of making the two of you closer could wind up backfiring on you horribly ... which would be especially awkward since you live together.

If you want to include her in a less-committed way, you could always ask her to be a reader.

gottahavashorti · January 2010

It doesn't sound like either person is close enough to you to be a BM. Just have two BMs. If you have a brother you are close to or very good male friends, it's fine to ask them to be bridal attendants as well.

I-am-me · January 2010

It's entirely up to you, but I think if it's likely to be awkward for either of you then you probably shouldn't ask. You said you've only known her for a few months. What if you don't get closer? I don't think you've known her long enough to know if she'll be a lifelong friend, and if 5-10 years down the road you've grown apart or had a falling out, then you'd be stuck with her in your wedding photos forever. I definitely suggest choosing people on instinct//gut feelings, people you are (already) especially close to. And hey, if you don't choose her and then it turns out you get really close over the next few months, I don't know of any rule saying you can't ask her later. Those are just my opinions of course, you know the circumstances better than anyone on here. Good luck!

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