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Re: m

  • Ok, I did read the whole thing, and its very clear that your friend has a problem and needs help. I don't think the ultimatum of cutting off communication is really wise, because I could easily see that as being interpreted as "I'm not getting better fast enough for you people?" and it leading to her feeling not only abandoned, but that any effort she has made or might make isn't going to be "good enough" so why bother? I know you mean well, but I've been around other people with other addiction issues, and even with everybody around them vowing to stick it out with them, they still felt like they were disspointing people by not being "better" overnight. As far as asking her to step down as a BM ... I honestly think you shouldn't necessarily do that. If she personally chooses one way or another to not be a part of it (By either being in rehab, or telling you herself she's not up for it), then that's fine. But don't make that call yourself, no matter how painful it may be for you to deal with that. I am sure that you really do want what's best for your friend, and I know it hurts to see her hurting, but asking her to step down is not something she's going to think she should thank you for later on. Let her make this decision.

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  • As someone who has personally helped a loved one overcome alcoholism, let me give you some sound advice: Cutting off an alcohol abuser does NOTHING to help them. People do not often understand what alcoholism really means - an individual who is suffering from the DISEASE of alcoholism has been completely consumed (mentally, physically, and emotionally) by alcohol. They are incapable of rational thought - they have no will. Their sole purpose for each day is to drink more alcohol. It is a very sad and destructive disease which leaves a trail of damage and resentment in its path. If you truly love and care about your friend, then the next time you and your friends gather together for an intervention, you pick that friend up and you physically drag her into an AA meeting or an emergency room - she will go kicking and screaming but it will be the best thing you could ever do for her. That is TOUGH LOVE. Once in the emergency room, they will detox her and evaluate her - they are required to do this regardless of whether or not she voluntarily goes or you bring her. My loved one was given medicine that helped in the detox process - then we immediately started taking her to AA meetings and she has now been sober for months and is well on her way to recovery. It is up to you how much you want to invest in your friend's well being, but ignoring her or trying to cut her off to make her stop drinking will not work - she needs all the support she can get. Best of luck to you and your friend.
  • Dammit, my browser crashed and ate my response...You're in a tough situation, and she definitely needs help.  On the one hand, the most effective way to get someone to change their behavior is for them to see that their actions have consequences, namely, that the consequence of being an alcoholic is that your friends don't want anything to do with you.  At the same time, cutting off all contact may put her into a worse, and much more dangerous, situation than before.  There are no easy answers.Have you consulted a professional substance abuse counselor?  They may have some ideas about how you might get through to her more effectively.But I agree with PPs: this is not about your wedding.  It will impact your wedding, certainly, but that's a year away.  If you're willing to cut her off completely and don't care about what happens to her afterward, then kick her out.  ("Ask her to step down" is just sugar-coating it.)  But considering the various horrible, scary, and messy fates that can befall an alcoholic who doesn't have a support structure, I'm not sure I'd want that on my conscience.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • Toobaby, please scroll up and read my post. Consequences do not mean anything to an alcoholic - trust me, I know. We tried every consequence we could think of on our family member - it was not until we forced her into getting help that it started to sink in for her. Secondly, the reason your friend keeps saying 'maybe you won't want me in the wedding' and other such comments is because she feels guilty about her drinking. That, however, does not mean she will stop. She can't stop; she is now physically dependent on it. Kicking her out of the wedding may make your day run a little smoother, but it will not get her to stop drinking. Alcoholics do not have loyalty to anyone or anything besides their next drink. Also, even though her drinking stemmed from a bad breakup, it is beyond that now. So, if she does sober up by the time of your wedding (I hope she does), the fact that she started drinking because of a bad breakup will be old news. She will be able to enjoy your wedding, and be around alcohol without drinking it, as long as she gets the help she needs.  If you truly care about getting your friend help, go research Al-Anon and look up steps to take when trying to deal with an alcoholic.
  • I highly recommend contacting Alanon or another support group.The big thing here is that you contact a pro in how to deal with a friend doing this.  If it comes down to her not taking care of herself then yes, you say that she can't be in the wedding but it's WAY to soon to even think about the wedding and her at this point.That's what we're trying to say here.  Right now, in this situtation, your wedding is not even a portion of the equation.   
  • Please do not take my post as being harsh about this situation. I do not think it is wrong of you to be concerned about your friend's actions at your wedding. I think that is a perfectly natural reaction. It is so frustrating to watch a friend or loved one suffer an addiction and not be able to help them. That is why I am suggesting looking into Al-Anon or you and your friends taking you friend to an AA meeting (they have tons of them in every city and state in the country) or to an emergency room where professionals can evaluate her (as banana suggested). I really hope it works out for you and your friend and that she is able to be in your wedding (healthy and sober), but please keep in mind that threatening to remove her from the wedding is not the best solution. Tell your friends that there are other ways to intervene and try those out first. By the way, where is your friend's family in all of this?
  • I don't think that punishing her by kicking her out of the wedding is going to help. Or cutting off your friendship. Or threatening to do anything to her. Because, if she's gotten to the point where she doesn't care about herself anymore, then she's not going to care what other people do to her, either. Like PPs said, I would reach out to AA or a similar group and ask for help. I'm sure they have a counselor there who can give you some advice. Or check out their website and see if they have any articles or reading material that can suggest what to do. Ditto PP - does she have her own family? Maybe a significant other or siblings that you can reach out to for help?
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  • I think you are beig selfish to make things about your wedding. There is nothing that needs to be done about your wedding for a really long time. Your friend needs you NOW. Forget about your princess day and be a friend right now or realize that you are a horrible selfish friend and that everyone who is your mutual friend is better off not being friends with someone as self centered at your post makes you seem Stop looking at tulle and look at the real life. She needs you now be a friend.
  • Toobaby, I am glad you will be contacting them! You will be a truly good friend in helping her! I hope your friend is able to get better and that she will be there to stand with you on your wedding day. Best of luck to both of you and congrats on your engagement :)
  • Toobaby, good job!I can understand how you may be stressed with things going on for your wedding and how this behavior is not OK.But it's great that you're seeing the bigger picture now.
  • I'm glad you're taking everyone's advice and trying to help her still.*hugs*  It's a long road, for both of you, but in the end, it's worth it.  Trust me.
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  • Is getting her family involved an option?  Are they supportive?  I'm glad you decided not to cease communication - that would do more harm than good.
  • Toobaby..I'm not going to be dishing up much advise on this one. I've dealt with alcoholics my entire life...with parents, friendships, relationships, siblings...it sucks. It is so hard being the person who is trying to help them....I just wanted you to know I've somehow managed to stumble my way through so far...some results have been good, some bad...and I also wanted you to know that I'll be thinking about you and your friend. I hope she's ok and she can come out on top of this, and I hope in the end you'll be standing there beside her :)Much luck,Kimberly
  • My BFF had a heroin problem. Not once did I not invite her to any function that might let herself slip (concerts/parties). I was there for her. The only thing I threatened to do was pay for her rehab if she couldn't stop. I cared for her so much, that I wanted her to stop and I wanted to help her. Or I could've let her figure it out on her own, and maybe she wouldn't be here anymore. The choice is yours. Bottom line: Be her friend.
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