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New York-Upstate
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WHO PAYS?

krisstyk1224krisstyk1224 member
10 Comments
in New York-Upstate
I need some serious help! My mother seems to think that my fiance's mother and her should split the entire cost of the wedding 50/50.  However, the fiance mom keeps saying traditionally the bride family pays. My mom wants to call the fiance mom and ask for the money..this is causing huge fights between my fiance and me. Please help..is my mother completley crazy or is she right?
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Re: WHO PAYS?

  • xtina1221xtina1221 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    The tradition of the brides family paying is not so common anymore. More and more it is 50/50. But it is also very common for Bride and Groom to pay for the whole wedding themselves. It is a very touchy subject. My fiances parents are giving about 6000, as is my dad approx. BUT Fiance and I are planning on paying for the wedding ourselves and are preparing to do so since you never know what can happen with the economy. But if they do come through... it will be a great start towards our house we will be building after the wedding :)
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  • panda&squishypanda&squishy member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I've never heard of the 50/50 thing before. I would plan on you and your FI to pay for the whole thing and then if either set of parents offers to help, you can accept their help in however they offer it. Your mother should not call your FIs mom and ask for the money, that's beyond rude.
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  • TJT4TJT4
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Your mother is tech right based on tradition, but its very uncommon to follow much tradition in ways of paying any more. if both sides cant agree, then you guys like other posters said, need to take it on yourselves, and what ever they would like to give to help out, so be it.
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  • annabear07annabear07
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I've never heard of the 50/50 rule before.  The only tradition I recall is the groom's family pays for the rehearsal dinner, bride's ring, and groom's tux.  Everything else is up to the bride's family. That being said I agree with the pp 100%.  Pay for the wedding yourselves.  The moment you let other people pay fo rthe wedding you give them control over an aspect.  Save yourself the stress and you get to say, "no mom you can't invite your bridge club, red hat ladies, etc." with no guilt!  GL!
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  • keb270keb270
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree with PP, you should not ask for money, it's rude. If they offer to pay, fine, but plan to pay for it yourself and only plan a wedding that fits into that budget. If FMIL offers, great, if not, you will have the wedding you can afford.
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  • krisstyk1224krisstyk1224 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for the advice everyone. I hate to pay for the wedding ourselves ( we would have to take a line of credit out on the new house or open a credit card) which is not a good decision in this economy! Its just such a bind we my mother because she IS VERY WELL OFF ($$) however, is stuck in the fact that she will not pay for a wedding that is purely entertaining HIS family etc.Thanks again!
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  • jnic0319jnic0319
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I would say have an open conversation with them if you are close.  My FI's parents give a set ammount of money to each child for their wedding.  We knew that ammount going in as he his the baby and the last to get married and simply expected it from them as they did with the other kids.  I am super close with my mom and flat out asked, what will you and Dad be able to contribute, they simply can not afford as much as FI's family gives, and we are keeping that on the DL, but we then took what both families are giving and are adding what we can afford for our total wedding budget.In your situation I would say if you expect your mom to do the whole thing it may be simply too much, ask what she is comfortable giving...then if he is close with his mom have him ask what they are comfortable giving (if she wants to go all tradition on you then the grooms family "Traditionaly" does the bar, rehersal, brides wedding ring, and honeymoon so that's pretty substantial) and after you know what each is comfortable giving then add your money.  Neither parent should know what the other is contributing in my opinion, it is not for them to judge your future in laws one way or another in either circumstance.  If they ask, say that is between us and them, there's no reason to start a family war over this.HTH!
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  • BelhurstBrideBelhurstBride member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    You can't ask or tell anyone they have to pay for your wedding. These days the bride and groom are 100% responsible everything involving their own wedding (ceremony, reception, rehearsal dinner and honeymoon) unless someone offers to help. My parents gave us some money, but DH and I paid for the vast majority of our wedding. We were engaged for 2 years in order to save what we needed.
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  • jms2010jms2010 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Ditto pp..2 yr engagement so we can pay for our own wedding and call all the shots.  I know both of our parents plan on contributing after all is said and done but we are certianly not basing our planning around that.That being said, your mom should not ask for money from your fmil.  If she wants to help out she will.  The traditions your speaking of are on the way out anyway.
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  • annabear07annabear07
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    It doesn't matter how well off your mother is, she is not the one getting married.  Save up your money and pay for your party.  It's what adults do.
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