WP Drama and two MOH

Graves_to_be · October 2009

OK....I need help!My fiance and I got engaged last year, and we decided that I would have two MOH. One was a very close newer friend, and the other was my best friend growing up that I wasn't as close to anymore, because I could not decide which and did not want to hurt any feelings. They were both happy about this because they were nervous about fulfilling their MOH duties, and one of them lives over an hour away (so the one who lives closer could conveniently attend to things within our area if need be).However, our wedding date got moved to next year due to some family circumstances on my fiance's side (he has two cousins who are sisters who got into huge fights about who was going to get married first..and they set both of their dates before we got to announce ours, within a month of each other, right after ours, and all would be indifferent states). Long story short, my fiance wanted to have our wedding over Labor Day because his family is from all over the country and they all get together then...so we decided to move the nuptuals to 2010 to avoid the drama from his cousins and save up for our wedding as we realized we had to pay for it on our own.So...in the year that we have been engaged, I have done quite a bit of planning already...However, my one MOH from far way has had several boyfriends...and when she has a boyfriend apparently nobody else exists. We have barely spoken since June or July. I invite her over, and she says she will come, and then, "something comes up".I don't want to "kick her out", by any means, but I am looking for advice on how to address the situation...I am worried about our friendship in general, and want to include her as much as I can. I feel like if she doesnt' feel the need to speak with me or see me in four months, that she should not be a MOH because the MOH should be somebody who is there for me and really means something to me. Last week she called to talk, and as soon as I mentioned the wedding she had confirmation that she was still in it and "had to go". (a mutual friend had told me she didnt' know if she was still in it or not...so obviously she realized it had been forever since we had spoken too).I am sorry this is so long, the whole situation is just very convoluted! Is it wrong to tell her that she can't be a MOH and that she needs to be a bridesmaid instead? Should I give her more time since there is still 11 months until our wedding? Help!

melishka716 · October 2009

Well, all she has to do is buy a dress and show up.But since this seems like a friend problem, I suck and can only tell you to keep trying to make time and invite her over, yada, yada, yada. And to make her know she's still in, bring up dresses.But, TBH, you chose your party too early, and now you have someone you are considering demoting because she's not being a friend.

Graves_to_be · October 2009

Yes, I did choose too early, because I thought our wedding was going to be this September instead of next. :-(I just thought the whole point of being a MOH was to support the bride and help out with the wedding. I guess I am just frustrated because she is concerned about whether or not she is in the wedding but not if she is being a good friend in general.

melishka716 · October 2009

Ok, now the early party thing make sense. It doesn't say it in your post, so that's why I said that. On the other hand, she only had to buy a dress and show up. If you ask her for help, and she says no, then leave it at that. There is nothing wrong with asking, but expecting is another thing.

melishka716 · October 2009

**has not had! Stupid fat fingers!

aerinpegadrak · October 2009

Is getting married really that traumatic that you need support? Your FI is the one who's supposed to love, support, and help you every step of the way. The MOH is not a personal slave over the course of the wedding planning, it's really sad how many brides treat them that way.If she's concerned that she's still in the wedding, tell her that of course she is, don't be silly. Asking her to step down, even from MOH to bridesmaid, is a potentially friendship-ending move, and if her only crime is having a life of her own, there's no way you can do it that doesn't make you look like a complete bridezilla.

Graves_to_be · October 2009

I guess I was just under the impression that your MOH is supposed to be somebody that is a truly good friend...and at the same time it's kind of a slap in the face to my other MOH who actually is there for me and has offered to help with many facets of the wedding (since it was supposed to be this year). My FI is definitely there for me, and helps a ton with stuff. I am just frustrated because I feel like you can't expect to be somebody's MOH and not even talk to them or be their friend...like there is a deeper problem if all you are concerned about is being a MOH and not actually being a friend or talking to the person you are being a MOH for. I know she is busy, and I know the wedding is now far away...but that doesn't mean i don't want to be friends with her and help our friendship get back to where it was. Do I just drop the wedding talk with her and focus on our friendship or do I try to get her more involved in my life through wedding stuff ("hey do you want to have lunch and show me what styles of bridesmaid dresses you like"....(I have a friend who is a fashion design major who is making the bridesmaid dresses, so the BMs get to decide what kind of straps or lack thereof they want).

bablingbrooke · October 2009

Ditto aerin. A wedding is not a time of need during which you need support. That is reserved for when your parents die, husband leaves you, you have a miscarriage, real tragedies like that. A wedding is a happy occasion. So get happy! Frankly, if I'd been someone's BM for over a year (even if it was out of her control), I would not be excited until the wedding got very close. It's not a crime that they aren't as into things yet. It's normal. I regularly go months without speaking to or seeing some of my best friends; one of my best friends and I only get to talk every six months (I'm in law school, she's in med school, you do the math). It doesn't mean we're not still great friends. The relationship has just evolved since we were younger. It sounds like your relationships are evolving too. If you want people to be excited about your wedding details, join your local or club board here. That's full of people who can't wait to hear about details and help you with ideas. But it's not a crime for a BM or MOH to not want to do that. Now if you're really worried about the friendship, why do you need a message board? You know how to resolve conflicts and problems with your friends. Do that. Don't mention the wedding.

bablingbrooke · October 2009

Okay, I just saw the 11 months until your wedding part. Definitely leave the wedding out of it. It's too far away for it to be the center of anyone's life, including yours.

Graves_to_be · October 2009

Thanks everyone! I just won't bring up the wedding and see the results, like the last poster said. I hope you all have a great rest of the day!

LarissaAnn · October 2009

By the way, not talking all the time doesn't make anyone less of a friend, necessarily. My best friend in the world, who I asked to be a reader in my wedding rather than a bridesman, lives in Colorado. I haven't seen him in years. I talk to him every few months. He's got a wife & 3 kids, and a full-time job. Life happens. He's still my best friend. My friends from college all live in MA & I'm in NJ. College was 17 years ago, and we're all still REALLY close. I go up to see them every six months or so. They're all married with kids, and until recently I was the single one, but I'm still the one who doesn't need a babysitter. They come down when they can, which isn't much. I talk to them very infrequently between visits, but when we do talk or see each other, we pick up right where we left off and the relationships haven't changed AT ALL. So physical distance and infrequency don't have to mean anything.

caraanddj · October 2009

I think a lot of girls get busy when they have a boyfriend. My friends and I do not spend nearly as much time together now that we are all in serious relationships. It does not mean that your friend cares less about you or about your wedding. It just means she has her own life to live too. I think you should definitely keep her as MOH as you already made the commitment in asking her, but since you are over a year away, take some time to just work on the friendship. Invite her to the movies or out to dinner, ask her about her boyfriend, do the things you two used to do before the wedding planning started.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · October 2009

You must know that it becomes much harder to balance friendships when you try to squeeze a romatic relationship into your life. One that may, as far as anyone knows, lead to a permanant commitment.And what's with the "living far away" thing? It's an hour! I drive 35 minutes to work everyday. I assume one of you has a car and perhaps could meet somewhere in between. Breathe, relax, let it go for now. I'm sure she'll be happy to support you on your wedding day.

banana468 · October 2009

PPs have great pointers. Focus on your friendship and stop talking about the wedding. Wedding talk may be wearing her out both related to your event next year and possibly in her own life. It's easy to make that the only focus of your life but you need to make sure that you focus on her as well. That's true friendship.

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