drama

hobo18 · March 2011

girls...need advice!!! so my FI has 6 sisters. OUCH! I only chose 2 to be in the bridal party. So one got drunk one night and put me on the spot and was really upset that I didnt pick her. And she made me feel really bad about it. But she was drunk so whatever. It was never brought up again! So...to the real drama! Sunday we all went out to look at bridesmaids dresses...all my girls. Saturday night FI's sisters who are in the bridal party decided to go out and get hammered with another sister of theirs. Well they all got into a huge fight. They threw wine on each other..bad scene! So the sister who isn't in the bridal party lives in PA and spent the night at the others house. So they invited her without asking me first. I found out Sunday morning an hour before we left that they fought and the sister from PA was going with us dress shopping. I felt really awkward being she wasn't even in the bridal party. So the whole day was a nightmare! Everyone was hungover and cranky. No one wanted to be there. No one wanted to try on dresses. Who knows maybe if they day went better I would have been able to say ok it wasn't that awkward. Whether it was because of the fight or being hungover or whatever the whole day was awkward..which confirmed my awkward feelings going into it. So I decided to text the one sister and just tell her it was nothing personal against her sister but I just felt bad not having the one sister in the wedding but having her there and asked if next time we do something wedding related if it can only be the girls in the wedding so no one felt bad. WHAT A BAD IDEA! I got called selfish....FI and I are fighting now. I guess I need some advice. Am I wrong? was it ok for them to invite someone else along? Especially after I was already sensitive about only choosing 2 sisters after the one yelled at me months ago. Their argument is this sister didn't care...and all that fun stuff. but I cared...I felt like deep down she did care and I was the jerk for not including her.

KarKarnj · March 2011

Well I think no matter what you do in this world you'll never make anyone happy. People are just too damn sensitive. I would forget about it and continue on with your plans.

sgdc2011 · March 2011

I don't think your being selfish. It's YOUR bridal party, you pick who you feel comfortable with. If FI feels that strongly he can have his other sisters as groomswomen. I would feel awkward having someone not in the bridal party goes dress shopping with us also. There are plenty of other things you can do with the other sisters that are not wedding related. I think what you did was fine.

Heather822 · March 2011

I don't think you are selfish or tried to hurt anyone on purpose.

But that being said you did kinda do a few things wrong, namely asking some of his sisters to be in your bridal party while excluding others. That was asking for problems from the start.

The other thing that wasn't necessarily wrong, but definitely a bad idea, was to bring ALL your girls to pick out s dress. Its one thing to ask for their input, but to bring ALL of them to SELECT a gown is just a bad idea. Its much easier to ask what they like in general, narrowing it down (either by yourself or with your MOH) to 4 or 5 dresses, and THEN bringing the rest of the girls in to pick from JUST what you pick. Otherwise, there is no way a gaggle of bridesmaids with no direction will ever do anything productive, and drama will ensue. But this is a common mistake, and does not say anything about YOU as a person.

Good luck moving forward! I don't envy you! =/

kasabby · March 2011

I don't think you are being selfish at all. I wouldn't want anyone that wasn't in the wedding tagging along to look at dresses--especially in your situation. I do agree that it is your day and you get to pick who you want. I think it is a little tough since you picked certain sisters and not others. But in the end, it was your decision. FI shouldn't be mad at you. Maybe you can add them in the wedding another way--readers or something.

LADY324 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_drama-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:7d7409e9-8ca2-40cd-bf10-d9f38a9f541aPost:7a9dd00c-1814-4496-b409-d6ae56657adf">Re: drama</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think you are selfish or tried to hurt anyone on purpose. But that being said you did kinda do a few things wrong, namely asking some of his sisters to be in your bridal party while excluding others. That was asking for problems from the start. The other thing that wasn't necessarily wrong , but definitely a bad idea, was to bring ALL your girls to pick out s dress. Its one thing to ask for their input, but to bring ALL of them to SELECT a gown is just a bad idea. Its much easier to ask what they like in general, narrowing it down (either by yourself or with your MOH) to 4 or 5 dresses, and THEN bringing the rest of the girls in to pick from JUST what you pick. Otherwise, there is no way a gaggle of bridesmaids with no direction will ever do anything productive, and drama will ensue. But this is a common mistake, and does not say anything about YOU as a person. Good luck moving forward! I don't envy you! =/

I agree with this 100%. You are asking for drama by only asking for 2 of his sisters to be in your bridal party. I feel like you have to ask them all or none b/c no matter what feelings will get hurt.

Good Luck!!

Posted by Heather822[/QUOTE]

goaliegirl · March 2011

I agree with Heather.....you are asking for drama by only inviting 2 of the sisters to be in the BP. I don't blame the sisters that weren't asked for being a little upset, I mean it is their brother that is getting married. I think you would have been better off asking no sisters than just 2. Maybe there are other ways that you can get them involved in the wedding so they don't feel the way they do...maybe readings in the ceremony or something else.

felicia220 · March 2011

I wouldn't use the word selfish. But I do think you kinda brought this on yourself. One, as others have mentioned, because you picked some over others and Two, just because they are not in the bridal party doesn't mean that his immediate family should be excluded from wedding related stuff. I would be more upset if the one sister was like "I'm gonna bring my boyfriend" but she brought another one of your FSILs. So again, the real problem is that you picked some over others. (I do understand that the norm does not include family for this type of thing, but you open the door to it, so in this situation it applies)

As a general rule, I usually talk to my H before doing anything (phone, text,email) regarding his family when it may be a sensitive subject.

Honestly, I think I would just try to explain, that while you made a mistake in saying that the sister should not have invited the other sister, you were only doing it because you didn't want it to be awkward for her being that she isn't in the bridal party. And that your thoughts were for her and not yourself. Apologize and move on.

PrettyGirl815 · March 2011

I agree with Heather, too. It's super stressful planning a wedding and I'm sorry you are dealing with drama. The best advice I can give you is to put yourself in the uninvited sisters' shoes and think about how you might feel or react if in a similar situation. Then asking her not to be a part of future wedding events? I understand you meant well, but it could definitely be misinterpreted by others.

How old are these girls? -- It seems the older they are, the more likely they won't be petty about it because they have other things going on (families, jobs, etc)

I think the best you can do now is wait till things settle a bit. I can understand how FI would be upset. You may have some damage control on your hands. It sucks, but hopefully it will all work out.

Kristinathebride · March 2011

I do agree with Heather however, are you super close with only the 2 you choose and not so much with the others? If that's the case, I understand. No matter what you do, someone is going to take offense to something (even if they intially said they wouldn't) Your FI is just reacting to the situation as a whole because that's his family. I wouldn't beat yourself up over it and would let things settle a bit. On a side note, they should have asked you before asking the other to tag along. I would do some damage control and think more about yourself instead of trying to make everyone else happy which seems to have backfired. Feel so bad you are in this situation and hope everything works out. Good luck!

hobo18 · March 2011

just so everyone knows I did talk to FI about the 2 girls only and he was totally fine with it....on the flip side..he only chose one brother in law to be in the wedding also.

Heather822 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_drama-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:7d7409e9-8ca2-40cd-bf10-d9f38a9f541aPost:0f86c063-cb37-472a-b45b-997b13c9803c">Re: drama</a>:
[QUOTE]just so everyone knows I did talk to FI about the 2 girls only and he was totally fine with it....on the flip side..he only chose one brother in law to be in the wedding also.
Posted by hobo18[/QUOTE]

<div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#008080">Its great you talked about it with him, and HE was fine with it....</font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#008080">but he still has these sisters whose feelings you probably both hurt.</font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#008080">
</font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#008080">Again, I am sure this wasn't something you did with the intention to be mean or exclusive.... but that's how it comes across.</font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#008080">Granted, like PP'er said, if some of them live super far / you never see them / have NO relationship, its one thing. But if they all live in the same area, and you see them all the same amount.... it's just hurtful. Even if not intentionally so.</font></div>

hobo18 · March 2011

yes I am closer with the 2. the other ones lives in PA and Texas and we barely get to see them. The one girl is only 24 but its actually the older one who attacked me over this. She is 34. I did try to do some damage control and before it got out of control I called the older one to try and explain my side. And she just didnt get it. I told her I already felt bad for leaving some out and I almost felt like it was rubbing it in her face having her come along. I tried to stress it wasnt about her sister..i would have reacted like that about anyone coming along. So when i said its not about your sister she responded with "i know i know its about you" I thought that was very rude because I have NEVER played the bride card. I have always tried to make everyone happy. Hence the dresses. And since there are only 4 girls in my party I figured they can all have a say in the dress. I want them to be happy..all of them..with the dress. After all they have to wear it not me!. I told her that maybe if they day went different and we all had a great time I could have said ok it wasn't awkward. but they were fighting...and hungover. And maybe if they did ask me first I could have voiced my concerns about feeling bad and they could have eased my mind by telling me she wouldnt care. But it was to late for that. By the time I found out we were on our way to pick them up. So I went into it awkward...and maybe they were awkward because they were fighting. But it was not nice for them to bring their drama into my my experience. I can never get that day back now. And from my point of view it was awkward because she wasnt included.

kristen8040 · March 2011

Guys think much differently than girls. Most guys wouldn't be offended if they weren't in a bridal party, and most wouldn't see the big deal if a sister on their side wasn't included. If I was your FI's sister, I would be hurt just because it seems like you were choosing favorites, which is what the purpose of a bridal party is, your favorite people, but not when you're choosing some family and not others.

I think that issue is what left a bad taste in everyone's mouth. Bringing the other sister to dress shopping was just icing on the cake and should have just been canceled for that day since everyone was in a bad mood to begin with. Just try to smooth things over with the family and maybe don't even bring them dress shopping. I went by myself, picked 8 different dresses, and then told everyone to pick one of the 8 they liked best. Just be prepared for more fighting when the shower and bachelorette party come around.

hobo18 · March 2011

and oh i almost forgot...when we got engaged the FIRST thing his younger sister said (after she punched him for not telling her his plans) was that she looked very good in a bridesmaids dress. So I think there were expectations going into this. And I do feel like it was unrealistic to expect all of them to be in it. They have to understand that

hobo18 · March 2011

i did try to smooth things over...i called her and tried. And she just told me i was selfish and cant appreciate how close they are and you figure i would try harder for him. this coming from a person who has 3 children. and i pick up those kids alone to take them places like the zoo and pet expos. and i foot the whole bill. FI mother only lives one door down from my mother so when they have the kids over they always ask to come over if I am home and of course I am fine with it. If i see their car I go over and hang with them..even without FI if he is working. We go to every family party every dinner invite. Last year they had a baptism on fathers day and i even didnt see my father to go with his family. so to say I dont try. He has a large family...17 nieces and nephews...and I have been part of everything. We split holidays in half to see both sides. I am just so hurt over what she said. I really thought I would be able to state my feelings and just be heard. I thought they would be able to see my concern was originally for the sister I didnt include.

hobo18 · March 2011

thank you girls for helping talk me through this..

Heather822 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_drama-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:7d7409e9-8ca2-40cd-bf10-d9f38a9f541aPost:dee64989-919f-459d-bf13-33f472408101">Re: drama</a>:
[QUOTE]i did try to smooth things over...i called her and tried. And she just told me i was selfish and cant appreciate how close they are and you figure i would try harder for him. this coming from a person who has 3 children. and i pick up those kids alone to take them places like the zoo and pet expos. and i foot the whole bill. FI mother only lives one door down from my mother so when they have the kids over they always ask to come over if I am home and of course I am fine with it. If i see their car I go over and hang with them..even without FI if he is working. We go to every family party every dinner invite. Last year they had a baptism on fathers day and i even didnt see my father to go with his family. so to say I dont try. He has a large family...17 nieces and nephews...and I have been part of everything. We split holidays in half to see both sides. I am just so hurt over what she said. I really thought I would be able to state my feelings and just be heard. I thought they would be able to see my concern was originally for the sister I didnt include.
Posted by hobo18[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#008080">I am sorry... that had to be very hard to hear & was intentionally hurtful on their part.</font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#008080">
</font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#008080">I would try saying something like "I am sorry / thought I was doing the right thing but I was wrong / this family means very much to me / would like to include everyone in some capacity moving forward (reader, etc)."</font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#008080">
</font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#008080">Weddings unfortunately have a tendency to bring out the worst in people. Sorry this is causing stress in whats upposed to be a very happy time.</font>

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