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Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum
Old fashion mother vs FI- I'm torn between the two
I'm Catholic but my FI is not. He's christian. We're not too big on going to church, we've gone together maybe a handful of times- and two of those times were non family related. (regular mass vs weddings) My family is more conservative, his is more modern. My mother is coming on strong whenever we talk about the wedding. We haven't been successful in planning our wedding, I think we won't be until the "religion" topic is figured out- so I'm hitting a big road block.
Bottom line- I would love to be able to please both of them. I love my mother and I also love my FI . The difficult part is that were long distance, only 2 and half hours,but most times we're not in the same place trying to plan this wedding. I wouldn't mind being married in a church. My cousin is a priest and could marry us. I have pictured my self walking down an aisle, whether it be in a church or somewhere else. I'm worried about his family. Will they be uncomfortable sitting through a full Catholic mass? According to my mother, anything less than a hour ceremony won't "count", and the Church won't recognize our marriage. I have my mother's thoughts stuck in my head when I'm on the phone with my fi. Help. What would you do? any help would be great.
Bottom line- I would love to be able to please both of them. I love my mother and I also love my FI . The difficult part is that were long distance, only 2 and half hours,but most times we're not in the same place trying to plan this wedding. I wouldn't mind being married in a church. My cousin is a priest and could marry us. I have pictured my self walking down an aisle, whether it be in a church or somewhere else. I'm worried about his family. Will they be uncomfortable sitting through a full Catholic mass? According to my mother, anything less than a hour ceremony won't "count", and the Church won't recognize our marriage. I have my mother's thoughts stuck in my head when I'm on the phone with my fi. Help. What would you do? any help would be great.
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Re: Old fashion mother vs FI- I'm torn between the two
I think that it may be impossible to please both parties. You could have it in a church but just do a shortened version of the catholic ceremony. that would give your mother the church thing and your FILs won't have to sit through a long ceremony. You also need the priest, in this case your cousin to expalin to your mother that a shorter ceremony still counts. Maybe get your mom to talk to a couple other priests as well then she won't think your cousin is choosing your side.
Hope this helps, I'm not religous but my family is and we are not getting married in a church. We are having a Justice of the peace marry us. This didn't go over well in the beginning but they slowly warmed into it. but i don't think your mom will. Good luck. (try to start planning your reception and stuff if you can't get past the ceremony thing it may help take your mind off it.)
You and your FI need to come together to make this decision. Then you need to own it. And then you need to make it clear to your mom that while you understand her feelings, you hope that she'll respect your decision and come to support you as your begin your married life.
But this issue begs the question: HAVE you and your FI come to a decision about the role religion will play in your lives? What about if you have children? Will you be raising them in the Catholic church? Will you find a church that you both can attend together?
And if you decide not to raise them in the Catholic faith, are you prepared for your mother's inevitable reaction?
I think you both need to be on the same page about this before you consider marriage. Because religion can become a very big issue in a marriage.
And I just also have to add: my son and DIL had a Catholic wedding without a full mass, and they're very much married. And it counts. And my DD and SIL had a beautiful outdoor ceremony officiated by our retired (Presbyterian) minister. And it very much counts.
[QUOTE]I'm Catholic but my FI is not. He's christian. We're not too big on going to church, we've gone together maybe a handful of times- and two of those times were non family related. (regular mass vs weddings) My family is more conservative, his is more modern. My mother is coming on strong whenever we talk about the wedding. We haven't been successful in planning our wedding, I think we won't be until the "religion" topic is figured out- so I'm hitting a big road block. Bottom line- I would love to be able to please both of them. I love my mother and I also love my FI . The difficult part is that were long distance, only 2 and half hours,but most times we're not in the same place trying to plan this wedding. I wouldn't mind being married in a church. My cousin is a priest and could marry us. I have pictured my self walking down an aisle, whether it be in a church or somewhere else. I'm worried about his family. Will they be uncomfortable sitting through a full Catholic mass? According to my mother, anything less than a hour ceremony won't "count", and the Church won't recognize our marriage. I have my mother's thoughts stuck in my head when I'm on the phone with my fi. Help. What would you do? any help would be great.
Posted by dramanut0410[/QUOTE]
Thank you! That does help. I hope I didn't upset you regarding the "less than an hour comment". Those weren't my words. Every couple has a choice of how they want their wedding to be- I'm still trying to figure mine out. Thanks for the suggestion of having a church weddign but a shorter mass. I think that might do the trick nicely. It's nice to hear from someone who is an outside voice. I would love to be able to do other things for this wedding (like shopping for a dress with my mom) but haven't been able to do that because of this debate of the ceremony. It's getting frustrating.
I assure you that his Protestant family will not be uncomfortable sitting through a Catholic mass/wedding ceremony. It is not a big deal.
I love learning new stuff.
This is a decision for you and your fi to make. You are marrying him, not mom. You and your fi should make an appointment with your minister to discuss these issues, if you are considering marrying in the Catholic church.
Now, your cousin is a priest, so maybe he will marry you anyway, but be prepared for that battle.
That said, you and FI need to decide the religion question now. It really should have been decided before you got engaged. It will affect not only your wedding day, but also how your children will be raised. If you marry in the church, you must agree to raise your children as Catholics.
Just remember that you will be promising your life to your FI, not dear old mom, on your wedding day. Be a big girl, put on those big girl panties and decide with your FI, what your family's religious path is going to be. If mom can't take it, too damn bad. Sorry if that's harsh but again, I have a big problem with her attitude; she's not God and God is the only one who gets to judge any of us.
AKA GoodLuckBear14