Telling family you don't want a "wedding" because of budget

MrsJPalamar · January 2010

This will be my second marriage and my DF's first.

My Fiance and I both would be happy with a JOP wedding (found some local that do them out of there homes for $200-300) However....We are pretty sure his parents are not going to be happy with this. We think they will want us to have a full wedding. We as a couple can not afford a wedding and we both would rather use our money to pay off debt. To us paying off debt quicker is more important.

I am worried how his parents will react to this. How do you tell them that sorry we can't afford it and would rather not spend the money without them taking it as, we are broke can you pay for it.

I need help because my fiance is very blunt with his family, as were I am more how can we say this properly without hurting feelings. He basically plans on saying to them if you have a problem with us not wanting a wedding then you can pay for it if they have a problem with us just doing a JOP.... I will hide if he says this.

I <3 Seabass · January 2010

I wouldn't phrase it as "we're not having a wedding because we can't afford it". Just tell them your plans and leave out the why, it's none of their business anyways.

If they offer to pay for it would you accept their money and have a bigger wedding?

laurenclaire1386 · January 2010

My mom said something interesting the other day. She said weddings are mostly for parents, so they can see their kids start new lives, blah blah blah, sentimental crap. But it's true. Take into consideration that since your FI has never been married before, that this may be important to his family. By all means, have a JOP ceremony, if that's what the two of you want. Just don't alienate his parents from being able to see him get married.

PS-if they do offer to pay for a full wedding for y'all, you can still turn them down, politely, of course.

MrsJPalamar · January 2010

Yeah that is my hope that we will just tell them that we have decided to go to a JOP and just get married, and they will just say okay and leave it at that. His family knows our budgets are tight right now (he lost his job back in april and has a job currently but took a major major pay cut just so he would have a job)

I don't know if we would accept it or not. I really regreat spending all the money I did on my previous wedding and my fiance really could care less about having a wedding. I think the only way I would accept the money and have a wedding was if his family is really upset at the idea of us not having a wedding. Why cause un-needed drama with the inlaws if it can be avoided.

goheels05 · January 2010

I would be blunt with them, but that's just me. Since it's his family who you think is going to have a problem with it, it should be on him to handle them. I wouldn't say anything, and if they bring it up, your FI can say "we're paying for it and we don't want to spend a lot of money when all we care about is the end result--spending the rest of our lives together." If they try to argue, say "it's not up for discussion." and change the subject.

redheadfsu · January 2010

I know how you feel.

My FMIL & FFIL really want a huge traditional "wedding" but have no idea about cost. Since you can't ask for money or bring it up without trouble, bad feelings, and strings we have just been very vague about our small DW (which will be a JOP in the Caribbean) and then change the subject. We will send them an invite & kind of leave it at that. Now I feel bad, but when his family wants one thing & you two another you have to do it like this.

kmurr010 · January 2010

A good friend of mine was in a similar situation. They didn't have the money to throw a big fancy wedding and wanted a JOP wedding. Her grandmother did everything she could to object. They finally settled on having a private JOP ceremony (this one did it out of his own home and they only had immediately family present) and afterwards had a nice reception for friends and family to come to. Her grandmother had it catered and it was in her backyard (she has a beautiful home and garden, with plenty of room). Everyone had a great time and everyone was happy. Maybe that might be a nice compromise?

aMrsin09 · January 2010

You can skip the $200 JOP at the house and just go down to the courthouse for $50.

MrsJPalamar · January 2010

Here in PA, or at least Chester County you can't get married at the courthouse. I wish it was that simple and cheap. I asked at the courthouse and they said they only do the license you need to get a JOP or contact a judge in there office and see if they do marriages there. So far I have gotten all no's on that one. So it is looking like I have to pay the $200 for a JOP.

leighbee99 · January 2010

I kinda know how you feel too. Its not that we CAN'T afford it, my family just doesn't WANT to fork out the money lol. I would be happy with taking the money and running away somewhere, but my DF is an only child and there hasn't been a wedding in his family in like 20 years, sooo they want a big to do. We're probably going to end up with at least 200 people an I'd be happy with 20!

But with all that said, I'm still excited about the wedding process. I can't wait to start trying on dresses.

Vintagelove4 · November 2012

What about having a small elopement? One of my friends got an eleopment package from a bed and breakfast for under 500$. The guest list was only 20 people but from the pictures, included in the package, it looked beautiful!