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Should I invite the flower girl & ring bearer's mother?

AlexandraTheTurkAlexandraTheTurk member
First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Before you flip out on me, let me explain. Our flower girl and ring bearer are my niece and nephew, my brother's children. My brother has been divorced for a few years now and resides with his girlfriend, 30 minutes away and never sees his children [sad, but not my point]. My point is that I have to go through my ex sister-in-law to see the children and she has agreed to let them be in the wedding. Actually, she was eager to allow them to be involved; we get along fine now that she and my brother are divorced. :]

So my dilemma is that I'd love to invite her and include her, as well as her new love interest, but I'm afraid that it might hurt my brother's feelings. I'm absolutely SURE that my ex sister-in-law would understand. Perhaps I should sit with her and tell her what I'm feeling. Full disclosure is always best.
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Re: Should I invite the flower girl & ring bearer's mother?

  • Mrs.B6302007Mrs.B6302007 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    How old are the kids?

    My niece was my BM but the woman who birthed her (mother is too nice of a word for her) was not invited.  My niece was 11 at the time and did not "need" her there since my mom and I were able to help her get ready.  She also stayed over at my parents' house several times a week as it was so it was no surprise that only she was included.
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  • brookelynpaisleybrookelynpaisley member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    I didn't vote. I think it would be proper to invite her, especially depending on age. She and your brother are always going to be the parents of those kids, and they're going to have to figure out how to get along with necessary. I say invite her, and if she decides she wants your brother to handle the child-wrangling on your wedding day, then fine. If you don't invite her, it kind of feels like you're just borrowing her kids otherwise.
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  • opalsky007opalsky007 member
    5000 Comments Combo Breaker
    I agree that age is an important detail. If they're young and I were their mom, I wouldnt be ok with turning them loose at a wedding without someone like a grandparent looking after them.
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  • Mrs.B6302007Mrs.B6302007 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
     I probably should clarify that this female and my brother were never married (high school BF and GF) so it's not like she was my exSIL
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
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    06.10.10
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  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I'm confused... they don't need her there as a guardian because your brother will be there to watch them, right?
    So is the question, do you want her there?
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    10000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    I think I would invite her. I mean what Mom wouldn't want to see their cute little kids all dressed up and being in a wedding?

    Is your brother even coming to the wedding? If he isn't, it shouldn't be a problem for her to be there. If he is, you could try to seat them at seperate tables. Regardless of the circumstances, they are adults and need to act like adults even if it is just for your wedding.
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  • AlexandraTheTurkAlexandraTheTurk member
    First Comment
    Thanks everyone for the quick responses! My nephew and niece will be 8 and 7, respectively. The children lived in my mother's home with me for a time so they're familiar with everyone who will be there. We're not part-time relatives, so 'turning them loose' [love that!] is fine by my exSIL, she trusts us. :o]

    I know it seems that way Brooke, like I'm just borrowing the kids, and that's why I wanted to invite their mother. And I do agree, they're grown folk and they should be able to handle it, but the divorce was a bitter one and they've never resolved things. I don't need them to 'resolve' it on my wedding day... -nervous laughter-.

    I trust that everyone will work out just fine. Thanks again, all! <3
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  • WildRumpusWildRumpus member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 5 Love Its
    I would probably talk to her and get a read on the situation. If you would like her to be there, and she would like to be there, I don't see the harm in sending her an invitation.
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  • KentuckyKateKentuckyKate member
    1000 Comments
    edited September 2010
    I'm surprised I'm the only one who voted to not invite her, assuming the children's father will be there.  She is no longer a part of your family, even though the children are.  I am basing this off personal experience, but no one in my extended family is particularly well-receiving to my divorced family members' exes.  I think there would be a vibe of tension and awkwardness that I wouldn't want at my wedding if she were there amongst all your extended family.

    ETA: Also, suppose she were to marry her current love interest.  Should your brother be invited to his ex-wife's wedding, just to see his babies all decked out and adorable?  No.  That's what pictures are for.
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  • cbvcru67cbvcru67 member
    100 Comments
    I would talk to her.  I think what you're doing in right, but I would also give her to option to come only to the church and help get the kids off before watching the ceremony and then going home. I mean for a proud mom, that's one of the best parts, right?  Plus , it would give her the option of seeing them, but also avoiding any (ok, most) awkward social moments with your brother and his new gf.
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  • squirrlysquirrly member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    If this were friends of yours and you were friends with both of them, but they had split, would you still invite both?  I probably would.  So, assuming that there's no history of abuse or anything of the sort between them, I would invite both, as it sounds like you're friends with her.  However, I would talk with both of them in advance, and suggest to exSIL that she sit on the Groom's side, and then seat her far away from your brother at the reception. 
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  • Mrs.B6302007Mrs.B6302007 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    Kate - I2I.  I just didn't register my vote. ;-)
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    06.10.10
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  • ootmother2ootmother2 member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    I would invite both parents and leave everything up to them.

    When a couple splits, you try not to put the kids in the middle.

    Is there a question of visitation rights on the day of the wedding?
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  • kathrynhabibtikathrynhabibti member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Comments
    Kate, I voted not to, too, for the same reasons.
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  • pizzanfries4mepizzanfries4me
    100 Comments
    I think I would invite her. I mean what Mom wouldn't want to see their cute little kids all dressed up and being in a wedding?

    Is your brother even coming to the wedding? If he isn't, it shouldn't be a problem for her to be there. If he is, you could try to seat them at seperate tables. Regardless of the circumstances, they are adults and need to act like adults even if it is just for your wedding.



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