Changing bridesmaid?

kac52b · October 2009

I have 4 bridesmaids for my wedding. 2 are my sisters, the other two are my best friends from college. We had to switch our date from November to May due to issues with my FH's job. Here's my problem...Before the switch, one of the bridesmaids, we'll call her Jane, her and I were pretty close. Talked about twice a week or more. About the time we switched the date, Jane got a new job on the other side of the state and a new boyfriend and has not talked to me much since; she has called once in the last 6 months. Jane, my other friend and I were inseperable during college. I'm still best friends with the other girl. I don't want to cause a huge problem or hurt Jane's feelings and I want her to be there in some capacity, but I feel like another friend has been there for me a lot more in the last 6 months then Jane has and could handle the duties better. Should I 'demote' Jane and pick the other girl to stand in? My FH says yes but I need girl advice on this! HELP!

stina93446 · October 2009

You cannot demote Jane unless you want to hurt her feelings and potentially ruin the friendship you have. Why not ask this other girl to be another bm, and leave Jane's position alone?

lyndausvi · October 2009

Demoting a BM can be a relationship ending event. Only you can decide if it's worth it or not.

lyndausvi · October 2009

but I feel like another friend has been there for me a lot more in the last 6 months then Jane has and could handle the duties better.What duties are you speaking of? I've been a BM or MOH in 5 OOT weddings. The bride knows I'm not able to attend certain things because I'm OOT. It did not change them wanting me to be in their wedding.

stina93446 · October 2009

Also, you should know that bms don't really have any duties. Unless you're talking about buying a dress, smiling and standing next to you, you're expecting too much.

stina93446 · October 2009

Oh yes stage. That one in an important one. Ok, other than showing up sober, and all the things listed, you'll need to let us know what those duties are.

mbcdefg · October 2009

Your FH is wrong:* Jane did nothing to deserve being booted from your wedding party. She moved away and she's busy. There's nothing she needs to do for your wedding this far in advance. That is no reason to kick her out of your wedding. (Plus, have YOU tried calling HER? And if so, is it just to chat, or only/mainly about your wedding?)* BMs do not have duties ... if they want to help you, that's awesome, but that's something they do if they WANT to. Not because they HAVE to. Bridal magazines and websites that say that BMs have jobs and tasks to do are dead wrong. And please understand that someone who lives on the other side of the state probably cannot help out as much as she'd like. * as long as Jane gets her dress and comes to your wedding, she's fulfilled her obligations to you as a bridesmaid. Anything else she does is a bonus. If she feels that she doesn't want to do it anymore, she'll talk to you herself, but otherwise do not assume that she's uninterested or can't "handle" it. Because there's nothing to handle other than getting the dress and being there on the wedding day. * if you want this other girl in your wedding, ask her to be a BM. But DO NOT KICK JANE OUT TO DO SO. You can add another BM, and you do not need another groomsman to even the sides out. Just pick whoever you want, numbers be damned. People's feelings are more important than numbers. If you kick Jane out, you will hurt her feelings, come across as a major bridezilla, and will likely end your friendship with her. You said that you don't want to do that, so leave her as a BM and continue to reach out to her and keep in touch. Heck, I live about 5 minutes away from one BM and only talk to her about once or twice a month. We've both got our own stuff going on, but it doesn't make her any less of a friend to me.

ffmaid · October 2009

Kicking the Bm out for moving is awful. Why donlt you call her and email her more often talking about non wedding stuff. You can add a 5th but not a replacement

banana468 · October 2009

Your FH has been misinformed.It's never OK to demote a BM with VERY few exceptions.There aren't "duties" of being a BM except for day of tasks. Beyond that, the things BMs do are traditional but things that THEY do because THEY want to do them.If you want to add, it's perfectly fine. Subtracting is not an option on the table.

LarissaAnn · October 2009

A story: My best friend is a guy who used to live a few blocks from me in NJ. We used to hang out ALL. THE. TIME. We'd go for coffee at 3 in the morning when one or the other of us needed to talk. We'd go bowling, to movies, just drive around. Whatever. We hung out nearly daily. In 1992, I started law school in Brooklyn and got an apartment two blocks from the school. We hung out less, but talked every day, sometimes a few times a day. A few months after I started law school, he moved to Colorado. Since then, I finished law school, clerked for a judge, worked for a few different law firms, and started a solo practice. He's been married, divorced, married again. He has 3 kids, one with his fist wife in Lincoln, NE & two with his *good* wife (LOL, I love this one) in Colorado. We're both busy. I've seen him, I believe, SEVEN TIMES since 1992, INCLUDING his first wedding (I was unable to make it to his second) and my wedding. We talk maybe once every couple of months. HE IS STILL MY BEST FRIEND. (And he was my reader at my wedding.)

bablingbrooke · October 2009

A BM is not a sweater; you cannot "change" them. Doing so would probably end the friendship. Imagine yourself in Jane's shoes getting the following phone call: "Hi kac, it's Jane. Listen, you've been a great friend over the years. I really do value the years we've had together. However, I'm getting married and what really matters is what you've done for me lately. Since you haven't done anything, and my other friend has really stepped up to the plate and taken on the BM duties anyway, I've decided to let you go. It's nothing personal, but I can't be expected to plan my own wedding, you know!" Would YOU want to stay friends w/ someone who did that to you? If you want this other girl to be a BM so bad (because you are FRIENDS and not because you ASSUME that she will "handle the duties" since you know what happens when we assume), just ask her in addition to the other BMs, not as a replacement.

jeannigirl · October 2009

You would demote her because why? She accepted a job in another state? Thats ludacrious to me. Their are no duties that your WP does other than get the attire and show up and stand beside you at the wedding. Please do not do this if you dont want to end this friendship.

kac52b · October 2009

ok 'duties' was a poor choice of words on my part. My apologies. The last time I talked to her was nothing about wedding stuff. I was just catching up, normal girl talk for us. And that was 6 months ago. I've tried to call her several times, she has never once returned one of my messages. I have tried to Facebook message her, no replies. So I just stopped. The other BM (my best friend) has talked to her and asked her if she's mad at me about something and Jane told her no she was just really busy. I understand completley and I'm not asking for an hour long conversation but I'm starting to panic because at first I didn't really care if we talked about wedding business or not but now it's down to the wire on ordering her dress. A former bride had told me I should remove her from the party. But this is also the bride that demoted one of her bridesmaids to guest book attendant because she dyed her hair from blonde to black a month before the ceremony. I should have known better than to listen to her lol. I don't want to hurt her feelings (or become a bridezilla) so I will just attempt to keep calling and maybe, HOPEFULLY, she will return a phone call! Thank you guys for the advice!

LarissaAnn · October 2009

Wow, that "former bride" is a real wench.

banana468 · October 2009

When does the shop need the dresses ordered? You're more than 6 months away so you should still have a good amount of time.

bablingbrooke · October 2009

So as someone who fell off the face of the earth when she started law school last year (and I was the bride!) I can tell you that she probably means to call you or FB you back, but she's busy and the only time she thinks to do it is at 2 am. One of my BFFs and I haven't spoken in 6 months--she's in med school, I'm in law school, you do the math. Doesn't mean we aren't still great friends, our relationship just evolved. I'd find out the "drop dead" date for ordering the dress. I would frankly be very surprised if you really were "down to the wire" anytime soon--you do have over 6 months and most places deliver within 3 months. Find out the latest it can be ordered to have it by the wedding. Then drop her an email saying you hope she's doing well, you miss her, and that just an FYI the dress needs to be ordered by X date. And then the ball's in her court. If she doesn't get the dress, she's taken herself out of the wedding. I def. wouldn't listen to a bride who kicked out her BM for dying her hair. Especially since it was from one normal color to another!

bablingbrooke · October 2009

Also, try email rather than phone calls. When I'm really busy I can respond to emails at my own convenience, but it can be hard to pick up the phone.

mbcdefg · October 2009

Some salons will tell you "OMG you need to order BM dresses RIGHT NOW!!!!!" because they are afraid that you'll look elsewhere for them and maybe find a better deal and not order your dresses from them. So they try to con you into ordering ASAP whether it's necessary or not. I would just leave your friend a voicemail (and maybe follow up with an e-mail): "Hey Friend! I know you're super-busy and I don't want to bug you, but I just wanted to let you know the info for the BM dresses. It's Designer A, Style #123, and please order it in the [Color] and [Fabric] version. Let me know if you have any questions or problems. And whenever you get a chance, call or e-mail me ... I want to hear all about the job and New Boyfriend, even if we can just chat for five minutes. Talk to you soon!" Your friend can order the dress from a salon near her, or she can order through a reputable wholesaler like pearlsplace.com, netbride.com, rkbridal.com, etc. And she can get it altered at a local tailor shop. That way, everything's done on her own time.

kac52b · October 2009

The dress shop said 4 months to get the dresses in (it took all of 8, almost 9, to get mine in) and they want all alterations done before May. They won't send in the order until all of the BM's have been fitted.The BM's have already picked out their dresses, and 2 of them have been fitted. But the more and more time that passes without me hearing from her, the more I worry that she's going to wait until the last possible second...or not do it all. I like the idea of putting the ball in her court. It would take some of the stress off of me.

kac52b · October 2009

I'm actually buying everyone's dress and they are paying for their own alterations but the lady at the dress shop said since we ordered them there she would do the alterations there for little to nothing.

mbcdefg · October 2009

They won't send in the order until all of the BM's have been fitted.Again, though, they want you to do this so that you don't take your business elsewhere. And also so that they don't have to do more work. But anyway, I can understand that it's frustrating when BMs don't meet the deadline. Have the shop place the order by their deadline with the BMs who've handed in their measurements and money. For anyone who did not send in her measurements and money, just say, "The shop already placed the order. You can order from another salon, from a wholesaler or find a used dress in good condition on your own. Be aware that you might need to pay an extra rush fee if you wait too long. Please have it fitted and ready to wear by the week before the wedding." If they don't have it ready to go by then, then you will have your answer as to whether or not they want to be in the wedidng party. But I am willing to bet that most girls will either rush to get their stuff in on time, or will find the dress elsewhere. The key is not to babysit them, because the more you hound over them (even if they're just slacking off and you've had enough of it), the more reluctant they will be to get it done. If you treat them as adults, then anyone worth her salt will get off her duff and do it.

ashley07whittington · October 2009

Im in a situation thats pretty much the same.Still havent decided what I'm going to do. Just thought id post something thats not negative and let you know your not the only one in that situation.

Changing bridesmaid?

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