RSVP with kid instead of wife?

raeyn · October 2009

I know there have been lots of posts on here about whether or not to invite kids and what to do if families RSVP that their kids are coming when they weren't invited, but I have a bit of a twist to throw at you. I chose not to invite any "kids" under 22, mainly because I need to keep my numbers down. My uncle just emailed to say his wife probably won't be able to make it but he's thinking of bringing his daughter instead. Personally I don't care in the sense that his daughter is about 12 so she's perfectly capable of behaving and hanging out with adults all night, and this situation would not increase my guest count because his wife wouldn't be coming. My only concern is that it would be unfair to the couples who were not allowed to bring their kids (and unfair to the older uninvited "kids" themselves). What do you think? Should I tell him it's fine? I would feel bad insisting he come alone if his wife can't join him.

kthame · October 2009

Hmm...this is a difficult one. I think that since you cut the age limit to 22, and you have older uninvited "kids", it may cause an issue with them. Also, think about the seating. Your 12 year old cousin will be seated at a table full of adults, and they may not be able to speak as freely if there wasn't a child seated at their table. And, seeing as how there aren't any other children/kids there...there really wouldn't be an ideal place to sit. I think that if you explained it to him, he'll understand. Let us know how it goes, and GOOD LUCK!

krisdi78 · October 2009

We had this happen to us too - we didn't specifically tell people kids were not allowed but we didn't write young kids names down as part of the invite to try to make the point clear. My uncle called my mom and asked if kids were invited because my cousin wanted to know if she could bring her 4 yr old. My mom told him that no other kids would be there and he said okay. Well we get her RSVP back and it has 2 written but she wrote her name and her kids name instead if her husband, so we just let it go. If someone sees the kid there and is offended you can say that they RSVP'd 2 and you didn't realize he was bringing the daughter, you just assumed it was the wife.

drbwedding · October 2009

This kind of happened to us. One of DH's uncles told DH's mom that since his wife couldn't attend that he would bring his 14 yo daughter. DH called him up, explained that children under 18 weren't invited and we hope he understood that we couldn't make an exception. His uncle was fine with it. Just think, what happens if others start to just add their children? It would be unfair to tell them, no you can't bring your child but it's ok for so and so since it is not messing with our numbers. Just stick to the no kids, it sucs having to call people, especially older relatives, and tell them no. It will create less headaches in the end for you.

morgie44 · October 2009

I think I would do what Kristi suggested. I wouldn't want my uncle to have to come alone if his wife can't come, especially since you chose not to invite kids because you are trying to keep your guest list in check. The only thing that might cause problems is if you have other aunts or uncles on that side whose kids weren't invited. Are you having a flower girl or ring bearer Are they invited to the reception? Maybe you could give her a 'job' so that you can avoid any others getting upset by it? (especially if there are younger attendants that will be there as well)

sgylling · October 2009

I agree with just letting it be. Since he isn't bringing his wife, your numbers won't change, and you actually will probably save as she can't drink. I am sure the 12 year old is excited to go out with her dad on like a "adult" night. (I remember my Dad taking me to a fundraiser one year when I was about that age and thinking it was so cool to get to dress up, be with the adults, etc)You won't have to deal with people knowing until that night and once they notice his wife isn't there I doubt anyone says anything anyway. I can't imagine people making a big deal about it. Just my 2 cents:)

raeyn · October 2009

We were not planning on having any children at all, including ring bearers or flower girls. There are no little kids in our families that we're super close to, so the topic never even came up when we were planning. I suppose I could give her a special role like this if she will be the only child there. At this point, I'm really wishing I'd lowered my age cut-off. I chose this cut off because it meant that no cousins on my dad's side would be invited (there are 3: siblings ages 12 and 14, and a 21 year-old). The two sides of my family don't really know each other, so I thought it would work well and it wouldn't matter that a 23 year-old from my mom's side was invited. In retrospect, I should have invited the 21 year-old from my dad's side. Would it be really weird or insulting to invite him now? If he were invited and the 12 year-old was included in the wedding, that might solve everything.

chosen175 · October 2009

If invites have already gone out, then yes - I think it would be in poor taste to invite someone "after the fact." To answer your original post, I think you should stick to your original plan. You chose that for a reason and your family should respect that. I have been to plenty of weddings where I had to leave dd at home and I don't have an issue with it. It's kind of nice to have a grown-up night without her. But I would definitely be upset if I had to pay a sitter $10/hr to come to an adults only wedding and found other kids there after being told that none were invited. If you really don't want her there, you can always tell your uncle that you signed a contract stating all guests would be 21+ due to the alcohol license. That's what my sister ended up telling people who were RSVPing to her wedding with kids in tow. Like pp said, once word gets out that kids ARE allowed you will probably have everyone wanting to bring them.

bridetwobee2003 · October 2009

As a woman with a child, I still am surprised at how people will try to twist and turn things to make it work for them.I would respect any bride who wanted an adult only reception, but after my wedding and my sister's, it is clear to me people are only looking out for #1.In your situation I would think a 12 year old wouldn't be considered a child. That is almost a teen. I wouldn't worry about what other guest's think because at the end of the day it's your wedding and your $.Good luck.

mbuhpathi · October 2009

this is tough. it might be easier to let it go and on the wedding night just play dumb. this is very common in desi/indian culture as we have dozens of uninvited guests show up and its always fine.

pajarito81 · October 2009

I personally think every guest is entitled to bringing a guest especially if they are family member and your guest invite is not some random joe you don't really know or care for...its your Uncle! Its your wedding and I don't think your other guests' should question any decision making you do and you shouldn't feel obligated to justify yourself to anyone on YOUR day. Tell him he can bring his daughter, they are blood related relatives and he will have someone to dance with and hang out with. Good Luck!!

missmegan00 · October 2009

That happened to me and I just let the kid come. No one really notices nor cares on the day of. Don't stress it!

kthame · October 2009

Curious what you ended up doing???

raeyn · October 2009

I actually ended up chickening out and doing nothing. My mom was appalled but suggested I explain to my uncle that he was welcome to bring his daughter but that he should let her know she would be the only young person there (so as to send the message that she's not invited without actually telling him he can't bring her). My FI didn't like that idea and suggested I send an invitation to the older cousin even though his parents were invited at the beginning of September and he wasn't. I didn't like that idea. Originally my uncle said he wasn't sure if his daughter was available to come anyway, so I'm guessing she won't come. On the off-chance that she does come... so be it. I figure it will be obvious to everyone that my aunt was the one actually invited.

RSVP with kid instead of wife?

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