Difficult Bridesmaid? Anyone? Advice needed

MrsBoss2012 · July 2012

Ya'll are probably sick of me talking about this girl but she is really stressing me. She's my cousin and family will give you the worst headache won't they? She has an ugly pair of shoes, she doesn't respond to my emails or texts in a timely manner, she doesn't respond to my bridesmaids so now they have beef but they told me not to worry because they will take care of her...Oh Lord! So I called her this morning giving her the opportunity to drop out. She had a rebuttle for everything and said she had no problem besides our whole shoe situation and she said I was aware she had a deformity in the beginning and she knew this would be a problem. I told her if she's staying on board she needs to improve the communication and drop the attitude. We'll see what happens.

So from you ladies I want to hear....

A) Reassurance that the bridesmaids shoes don't matter and they don't have to match or in her case even be the same material.

You have had or still have a difficult bridesmaid and aside from kicking them out how are you dealing with them? I told her I'm done special catering to her. I am the bride not her.

soontobehasrouni · July 2012

uh...NO! its YOUR wedding, you dont have to deal with someone elses bad attitude. if they wanna call u a bridezilla, so be it. You want things a certain way, if she wants to take her sweet time communicating and just be difficult, she has to go. Being a BM is a job...you would get fired from a job for doing all this. i cant STAND when people take forever and a day to do something, especially when its on my time! and now the other girls have a attitude about her? naw, nobody has time for that.

As far as the shoes, if she has a foot deformity and people know it, no one will think anything about her shoes.

But Bunk that other stuff! but with all that being said, im quick to drop someone and not feel bad...so dont listen to me too much ;-)

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_difficult-bridesmaid-anyone-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:32b33ece-60d6-462a-a3f0-499e5090b85ePost:45d44c7e-1b85-41e0-96c6-6b105434f31d">Difficult Bridesmaid? Anyone? Advice needed</a>:
[QUOTE]Ya'll are probably sick of me talking about this girl but she is really stressing me. She's my cousin and family will give you the worst headache won't they? She has an ugly pair of shoes, she doesn't respond to my emails or texts in a timely manner, she doesn't respond to my bridesmaids so now they have beef but they told me not to worry because they will take care of her...Oh Lord! So I called her this morning giving her the opportunity to drop out. She had a rebuttle for everything and said she had no problem besides our whole shoe situation and she said I was aware she had a deformity in the beginning and she knew this would be a problem. I told her if she's staying on board she needs to improve the communication and drop the attitude. We'll see what happens. So from you ladies I want to hear.... A) Reassurance that the bridesmaids shoes don't matter and they don't have to match or in her case even be the same material. B) You have had or still have a difficult bridesmaid and aside from kicking them out how are you dealing with them? I told her I'm done special catering to her. I am the bride not her.
Posted by MrsBoss2012[/QUOTE]

MrsBoss2012 · July 2012

I was trying to put the ball in her court and give her the option out but she chose to stay. I guess I'm too much of a punk to kick her out. Now she is saying she is opting out of using my stylist she will get a wig. AHHHH she has never worn a wig ever. She said her beautician will help her pick it and style it. I'm trying not to be superficial but all I can think about is how she is going to look in my pictures that will last forever.

rowenac82 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_difficult-bridesmaid-anyone-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:32b33ece-60d6-462a-a3f0-499e5090b85ePost:45d44c7e-1b85-41e0-96c6-6b105434f31d">Difficult Bridesmaid? Anyone? Advice needed</a>:
[QUOTE]Ya'll are probably sick of me talking about this girl but she is really stressing me. She's my cousin and family will give you the worst headache won't they? She has an ugly pair of shoes, she doesn't respond to my emails or texts in a timely manner, she doesn't respond to my bridesmaids so now they have beef but they told me not to worry because they will take care of her...Oh Lord! So I called her this morning giving her the opportunity to drop out. She had a rebuttle for everything and said she had no problem besides our whole shoe situation and she said I was aware she had a deformity in the beginning and she knew this would be a problem. I told her if she's staying on board she needs to improve the communication and drop the attitude. We'll see what happens. So from you ladies I want to hear.... A) Reassurance that the bridesmaids shoes don't matter and they don't have to match or in her case even be the same material. B) You have had or still have a difficult bridesmaid and aside from kicking them out how are you dealing with them? I told her I'm done special catering to her. I am the bride not her.
Posted by MrsBoss2012[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Good morning!:-) (I had to say that just to have you smile for a minute). Remember that what I am about to say is coming from a Bride with a bridal party that is over-baringly cooperative (except for my cousin and that one bra issue..lol). I am nowhere near your situation so feel free to side with others who have similar experiences. </div><div>
</div><div>Ok, the way I see it, she is being a brat. We could all agree with that. But you yourself have said that you knew going into this, she had a bit of an attitude problem. So with all the trouble she has given you at this point, just leave her be. She has her dress, she has her shoes (I will address this later), all she needs to do is show up to the wedding. I understand that it's frustrating for your other bridesmaids to not have her cooperate. But she will only stress them out. So when they send group emails, and she doesn't respond, just keep it stepping. It's not fair to them cause they should all share the responsibility. But it's more headache to try to change her at this stage of the game. </div><div>
</div><div>As for her shoes, I have seen the ones she picked out. Have you tried looking for similar ones in the material and color you prefer? Ask her how much she paid for those, if she can return it, get her money back and whatever is the price difference for shoes you like that are similar then you could pay the difference. </div><div>
</div><div>It doesn't sound like you want to kick her out of the wedding and you have given her an out and she hasn't taken it. So it's either, you try to deal with the shoe situation or kick her out if the shoes are that big of a deal to you.

</div>

soontobehasrouni · July 2012

oooooweee!! u better go wig shopping with her!

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_difficult-bridesmaid-anyone-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:32b33ece-60d6-462a-a3f0-499e5090b85ePost:fdd8b99d-c342-410d-a1fb-941f1190aaf1">Re: Difficult Bridesmaid? Anyone? Advice needed</a>:
[QUOTE]I was trying to put the ball in her court and give her the option out but she chose to stay. I guess I'm too much of a punk to kick her out. Now she is saying she is opting out of using my stylist she will get a wig. AHHHH she has never worn a wig ever. She said her beautician will help her pick it and style it. I'm trying not to be superficial but all I can think about is how she is going to look in my pictures that will last forever.
Posted by MrsBoss2012[/QUOTE]

MrsBoss2012 · July 2012

Ro- I never thought about offering her the difference. I would be willing to do that for peace of mind. She bought the shoes I don't like online and wherever she bought them from she can't return. I specifically told her and the others as well to show me any shoes before they purchased them. She did not and now she is out that money. She told me she is only willing to spend another $20 on shoes which I think is unfair to me and damn near impossible. I'm not saying that to be selfish. She is in no way financially restrained. So anyone we've all been scrambling to find something.

M1ssJ · July 2012

Hey hun! First off weddings change the way people act don't they? I think we always think we are being reasonable but that may not always be the case.

I think the shoe thing is not that big of a deal unless she shows up in sneakers or something that is totally off. Just kick her shoes out of the shoe pictures.

Now the attitude I would just ignore. Done. No reason to get into it. Just move on. Let the BM posse handle her. You've said your piece

mejai1 · July 2012

I'm giving you this...

A) Reassurance that the bridesmaids shoes don't matter and they don't have to match or in her case even be the same material.

It may be this one difference that gives you something to laugh about after the fact.

MrsBoss2012 · July 2012

I really appreciate it ladies. I was also just scrolling on facebook and I have a ton of other people wedding pics in my newsfeed and here is what I noticed. Pictures taken by regular guests are normally knee or even waist up shots. As far as professional shots, as Miss J said, any detailed shots of shoes she will just not be in. Any other full length shots the photographer does...its whatever. IMOVERIT.COM

[Deleted User] · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_difficult-bridesmaid-anyone-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:32b33ece-60d6-462a-a3f0-499e5090b85ePost:2cdcbacc-1385-48c1-9f5b-c700de2ddbd2">Re: Difficult Bridesmaid? Anyone? Advice needed</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Difficult Bridesmaid? Anyone? Advice needed : Good morning!:-) (I had to say that just to have you smile for a minute). Remember that what I am about to say is coming from a Bride with a bridal party that is over-baringly cooperative (except for my cousin and that one bra issue..lol). I am nowhere near your situation so feel free to side with others who have similar experiences. Ok, the way I see it, she is being a brat. We could all agree with that. But you yourself have said that you knew going into this, she had a bit of an attitude problem. So with all the trouble she has given you at this point, just leave her be. She has her dress, she has her shoes (I will address this later), all she needs to do is show up to the wedding. I understand that it's frustrating for your other bridesmaids to not have her cooperate. But she will only stress them out. So when they send group emails, and she doesn't respond, just keep it stepping. It's not fair to them cause they should all share the responsibility. But it's more headache to try to change her at this stage of the game. As for her shoes, I have seen the ones she picked out. Have you tried looking for similar ones in the material and color you prefer? Ask her how much she paid for those, if she can return it, get her money back and whatever is the price difference for shoes you like that are similar then you could pay the difference. It doesn't sound like you want to kick her out of the wedding and you have given her an out and she hasn't taken it. So it's either, you try to deal with the shoe situation or kick her out if the shoes are that big of a deal to you.
Posted by rowenac82[/QUOTE]

Tray, first: hugs

second. This. all of what Ro said. I'm not tired of hearing about this girl, I get that you're frustrated but I also think some of the responsibility belongs to you luvie - if this is the same girl who's never been a bridesmaid before and you still haven't broken it down for her (not just generally, but what it means to be your bridesmaid specifically) then she shouldn't bear all the blame for how this is turning out. If <u><strong>you</strong></u> don't want this young lady in <u><strong>your</strong></u> wedding, write her a note and return her check because at this point frankly it isn't her option anymore, it's yours. If you'd like her to remain, have no more conversations with her about her attitude or her shoes, she's flat out said neither is changing. I say this with the best of intentions and hopes that it works out in your favor darl - you are the person in control of how this day goes and who's up there with you. Gently explain what's required and then release it to faith <--- and that's really if you still want her to be a part of it.

MrsBoss2012 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_difficult-bridesmaid-anyone-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:32b33ece-60d6-462a-a3f0-499e5090b85ePost:d5f8b21e-cba3-4a13-9d94-7981b6f67956">Re: Difficult Bridesmaid? Anyone? Advice needed</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Difficult Bridesmaid? Anyone? Advice needed : Tray, first: hugs second. This. all of what Ro said. I'm not tired of hearing about this girl, I get that you're frustrated but I also think some of the responsibility belongs to you luvie - if this is the same girl who's never been a bridesmaid before and you still haven't broken it down for her (not just generally, but what it means to be your bridesmaid specifically) then she shouldn't bear all the blame for how this is turning out. If you don't want this young lady in your wedding, write her a note and return her check because at this point frankly it isn't her option anymore, it's yours. If you'd like her to remain, have no more conversations with her about her attitude or her shoes, she's flat out said neither is changing. I say this with the best of intentions and hopes that it works out in your favor darl - you are the person in control of how this day goes and who's up there with you. Gently explain what's required and then release it to faith <--- and that's really if you still want her to be a part of it.
Posted by sultryzulu[/QUOTE]

I'm being such a punk!!!! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-cry.gif" border="0" alt="Cry" title="Cry" /> Can you do it for me? LOL I don't do well with initiating confrontation. Now I can handle myself if it's presented to me but to start it...I punk out. That's why it would be easier if she would confront me with the problems and say she wants to quit but when I have to bring them up I kind of dance around them. The only reason I don't want her in is for superficial reasons and like my mom said I don't want us falling out over shoes so I guess in my heart I really want her to stay right? Ugghh

[Deleted User] · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_difficult-bridesmaid-anyone-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:32b33ece-60d6-462a-a3f0-499e5090b85ePost:625e9eca-e915-41d1-a865-896d47141d3d">Re: Difficult Bridesmaid? Anyone? Advice needed</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Difficult Bridesmaid? Anyone? Advice needed : I'm being such a punk!!!! <strong>Can you do it for me</strong>? LOL I don't do well with initiating confrontation. Now I can handle myself if it's presented to me but to start it...I punk out. That's why it would be easier if she would confront me with the problems and say she wants to quit but when I have to bring them up I kind of dance around them. The only reason I don't want her in is for superficial reasons and like my mom said I don't want us falling out over shoes so I guess in my heart I really want her to stay right? Ugghh
Posted by MrsBoss2012[/QUOTE]

yup.

Here's the thing, she isn't going to address you, see she's not the one with the problem, everything's fine <em>for her</em>. I'm asking you to consider writing her because it's the opposite of confrontational, you get to bring up something that is consuming far too much energy that you could dedicate to being stress/drama free - let's call that the upside. she gets to either a) get her ass in gear; b) get her ass all the way outchyo wedding or c) build a bridge and get her ass over it in either direction but the long winded point I'm making is you don't have to view addressing her as a showdown. It's because you're not confrontational that I'm suggesting this method, there's no room for rebuttal on paper.

This isn't about shoes it's about the love, support and willingness you can count on from the women who stand next to you, period. If she doesn't fall into that category this decision is simpler than you think and it's you'rn to make. If she does fall into this category in my humble opinion, this wouldn't feel like such a struggle.

In either event, we gotchu boo. my style is much more compassionate than Donald Trump's. feel free pm her name and number.
<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-foot-in-mouth.gif" border="0" alt="Foot in mouth" title="Foot in mouth" />

Difficult Bridesmaid? Anyone? Advice needed

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