Pregnant Bridesmaid

jeegould · October 2009

One of my bridesmaids just found out that she is pregnant and due on my wedding day. The pregnancy is unplanned and very unexpected but I really want to be supportive and loving. But, I can't help but worry that at the last minute she won't be able to be in the wedding or she'll be upset about the dresses (that's all she complained about at my friends wedding and she wasn't even pregnant at that point). And I also know that when she comes home to help plan my bridal and bachelorette parties that she'll also want to have her baby showers then since she lives out of town. I feel like an awful friend because I still want my dream wedding and I certainly don't want drama. I would love for her to be in my wedding party still, but I'm worried that in the end I may regret it if it only causes stress and drama

gottahavashorti · October 2009

A pregnant bridesmaid will only cause you stress and drama if you choose to create it. She may not know if she can make it or feels well enough to stand until the day of, unless she goes into labor before her due date. She'll need a maternity dress at 9 months if she hasn't had the baby yet, even if she has her size will probably be different than her normal size that close to a birth. If she wants to help with your parties, that's great. Reducing her travel by having her baby shower at the same time sounds like a good plan, as long as the host knows her schedule for that weekend. Even if they end up overlapping, it's not a big deal to miss a party.

laurenclaire1386 · October 2009

Unless you're willing to end the friendship, you can't ask her to step down. If she's due on your wedding day, I would think she wouldn't be able to make it. IMO, it's your pregnant bridesmaid's decision about whether or not she wants to continue to be in the WP. You should just talk to her and see how she feels about being a bridesmaid when her due date is your wedding day.

trix1223 · October 2009

Several things come to mind:#1) First babies rarely arrive on time. And babies don't really understand due dates. They arrive when they're ready to arrive. Maybe she will be in your wedding. Maybe she won't be in your wedding. But that's no reason to kick her out. Wedding parties are NOT about symmetry. If you're concerned about having even "sides", please lose that notion because it completely does not matter at all.#2) She, nor anyone for that matter, are obligated to help plan and/or execute a bridal shower; bachelorette; nor any other prewedding event. So please don't EXPECT any of your WP to do that. If they do, lovely. If they don't, you don't have those completely optional events. And you'll still be married at the end of your ceremony, even if you don't have a single prewedding party.#3) OF COURSE she'll be excited about her new baby. You will be too when you become pregnant with a child. And you're thrilled about your upcoming wedding. Both of your events are life-changing. Forgive me if I'm reading wrong, but your post sounds very, very close to your being afraid that she'll "steal your thunder". She won't.You'll still have your dream wedding, because you're marrying the man you love. And she'll be having the joy of bringing her first child into the world.I would like to think that if you both are excited for each other, you'll have twice the joy in your lives.

Leah&Christian09 · October 2009

When you start shopping for BM dresses, give this girl a swatch of the fabric and tell her to find something that coordinates that she'll be comfortable wearing. At 9 months pregnant, shopping is hard. As far as the wedding, let her know you'll do everything possible to make her comfortable (seated during ceremony, etc) and that you just want her there. It might turn out that she can't make it, but she'll still be your BM. On showers and b-parties, you shouldn't expect that anyone will throw these things for you. For an unexpectedly pregnant woman, that goes double. Planning for a child is 1000 more stressful and life changing than planning for a wedding. Throwing parties for you may not be very high on her list. She might be able to do it, but if you don't expect it, you'll be pleasantly surprised. Why is it a problem if someone throws her a shower the same weekend as your shower? Makes sense to me.

[Deleted User] · October 2009

Forgive me if I'm reading wrong, but your post sounds very, very close to your being afraid that she'll "steal your thunder". Super this. And ditto everything else Trix said, for that matter.

jeegould · October 2009

Thanks all for the input. Just to clarify though, the situation with her pregnancy is much more complicated. I love my friend and want to the best for her and it's not my "thunder" that I'm concerned about. I certainly wasn't expecting her to throw me a bridal shower, although she had already mentioned it. I suppose this has a lot more detail then I'd like to get into to try to clarify too much. I know I sound like a super Bridezilla but that is really not what I'm trying to do. Ultimately I do really want her in my wedding so long as she is comfortable and happy. But I do appreciate the input on the dress swatches as well as the etiquette as far as her staying in the party.

Peachblossom51 · October 2009

Babies are not drama for your wedding or wedding party. Especially, unborn babies. This is a huge opportunity for you to show what an amazing friend you can be to her, by supporting each other! One of my BM's will be 8 months pregnant at my wedding and her baby shower is the same weekend as my bachlorette party. It wasn't planned that way either. I couldn't be more excited, it will be a weekend full of celebrations! As far as her dress went, we told her the fabric and she was so nervous about looking awful that my mom and I are making her a maternity dress so she can be completly comfortable and look just like the rest of the girls. Help your BM feel comfortable! They are going through some serious changes and the last thing she should worry about is what you think she will look like on "your' day - it will be beautiful with her there, even if she's pregnant. If you wanted her there to begin with (I am assuming so since you asked her to be part of your "dream" wedding) then there is no reason she shouldn't be in it now. How wold you feel if you had gotten pregnant? Would you want your bride thinking you'd be causing drama? Unless she says being a BM is too much (on her own terms, not by persausion) then you need to keep your commitment to having her in your WP. She needs your support and you must have wanted hers to make her a BM. So focus on that. Down the road you will appreciate it when you are pregnant and want support, advice and excitement. You already have someone who has shared it with you!And as a side note, if at the last minute she can't be right up there with you - you should be too caught up in the moment of marrying your groom to be annoyed. I would assume she's drop out last minute due to circumstances she can't control. If that does happy be ready to tell her congrats too!

Peachblossom51 · October 2009

typo....not "happy" in my last line there...it should say happen

CTGirl30 · October 2009

If you would love for her to be in your wedding party still, there's really no reason why she can't be - if she wants to. It's really up to her, though, given the situation at this point and her due date coincing so closely with the wedding. Does she still want to participate as best she can? Or would she feel more comfortable attending as a guest? The gracious thing to do is to ask her what she is most comfortable doing and to be understanding of her answer either way. But, I can't help but worry that at the last minute she won't be able to be in the wedding Yes, this might very well happen given that her due date is so close to your wedding date. The best thing you can do is remain flexible and, again, understanding if she cannot be there.or she'll be upset about the dresses (that's all she complained about at my friends wedding and she wasn't even pregnant at that point). Now that she is pregnant, I hope you'll be extra accomodating if she does still wish to be part of the bridal party. There are plenty of maternity options out there and she could certainly wear a regular maternity dress instead of a special "bridal party" dress. First and foremost, a 9 months pregnant woman should be comfortable. :-)And I also know that when she comes home to help plan my bridal and bachelorette parties that she'll also want to have her baby showers then since she lives out of town. I don't see anything wrong with this...she won't steal the attention away from you - enjoy celebrating both occasions. I feel like an awful friend because I still want my dream wedding and I certainly don't want drama. You can certainly still have your "dream" wedding. Who is going to create the drama? She's pregnant. Not sleeping with your fiancee or fighting with the other BMs, right? I would love for her to be in my wedding party still, but I'm worried that in the end I may regret it if it only causes stress and drama.Focus on the first part of your sentence here and not the last part. Again, there will only be drama if you get all huffy about her pregnancy taking attention from your dream day. Be a gracious and supportive friend and I'm sure she'll do her best to return those sentiments. But as someone else mentioned, planning for the arrival of a child is 1,000 times more stressful than planning a wedding so please understand that your friend probably has a LOT on her mind right now - esp as this was unexpected. She may not be up for throwing you a party (which is not an obligation as a BM but a gift) so again, a little understanding will go a long way in this case.Best of luck in your planning.

mbcdefg · October 2009

Just let her find a coordinating dress, or a black maternity dress, and play the rest by ear. If she's in the wedding, great. If not, then that sucks but oh well. The part about the possible showers will only be drama if you choose to turn it into drama. Stop worrying about something that might not even happen. And if her shower DOES turn out to be the same weekend as yours, so freaking what? I don't get why that's an issue.

MidniteSun383 · October 2009

I'm in the same situation you are. I am getting married the day after you and my MOH (SIL) is pregnant and due 3 days after the wedding. We're ordering her a dress that's a couple sizes bigger and just hoping for the best. Yes, there's a little more chaos, but that's a wonderful part of life. And to put it in perspective: 1) at least we're not the ones having the baby the week of the wedding and 2) I would much prefer that my SIL and brother can't make it to the wedding because they're having a beautiful, healthy baby than for some horrible reason, like cancer or a car accident or whatever. I just hope they can make it-if not, we'll all get pictures in the hospital

In the end, it's another story about your wedding that will make you smile later, if you can't now.

MidniteSun383 · October 2009

oh, and just do what you can to not have showers at the same time. Having it all the same weekend sounds great to me!

dsouldiva · October 2009

ditto pp's on dress idea, choose a colour or 2 to be helpful and let her pick her own dress, who know's what her body is going to do through pregnancy, don't even try to guess what she is going to feel comfortable in at 9months gone!Time to put a contingency plan into place, if she's still pregnant you need to make sure she doesn't have to stand too long, you don't put any pressure on her, you make her as comfortable as she can be.If she's had the baby then be prepared that she may want to step down but make sure she's still in your WP photos & be considerate to her needs (could you find her a quite room at your reception location for breastfeeding/changing baby/chilling out).It won't be the end of the world if she wants to do her baby shower the same weekend as your wedding shower, just try and work it so it's not at the same time.

SKeesee · October 2009

My sister's due date was 2 days after my wedding. (She found out about the pregnancy a month after she got her dress). She ended up delivering over a week after the wedding. We were able to get her a different dress, and decided that she would still be in the wedding with the understanding that she might have to back out at any point if she wasn't feeling well/went into labor, etc. As far as the shower thing goes, are you saying she'd want to have her baby shower when yours is just being planned? If that's the case, I don't see how it's a problem. Just have the planning pow-wow after her shower so she won't be frazzled getting ready for hers. If you meant your showers would be taking place during the same visit, I could understand some frustration because mutual friends/family might end up picking between which to attend. But it's just one of those things you can't really control. The bottom line is you say you'd love her to still be in the wedding, so plan for that. You can work out the details. Your wedding won't go absolutely perfect, I can guarantee that. But it can still totally be your dream wedding.

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