How do I make it work without hurting feelings?

MissSadie · October 2009

I have a BM who is overweight (approx. 5"5 and close to 300 lbs).I have 10 BMS total and all except her are thin. What are two styles I can pick that aren't too different from eachother and that will be the most flattering to her, but not unflattering to the other girls. Any dress I find that will be flattering to the 1 the others don't like. I thought about each girl picking their own, but they said it would be too complicated because there were so many of them. I feel like they should decide what they wear since they are paying for their dresses.I have been putting this off because we have quite a while, but I already have my BMs and I want to be able to tell them what the cost will be for their dresses as soon as possible.It is hard because the 1 BM is like my sister and she feels self concious enough, I don't want her to feel even worse because she has to wear a diff. dress than the other girls. So her being the only one wearing something diff. isn't an option.I have looked at hundreds of dresses, but maybe there are 2 I havent seen that are perfect for everyone and with eachother. Thanks.

kmmssg · October 2009

what a considerate bride. I'm sorry, but I would tell the 9 other girls to choose a dress from xx designer in xx color, in xx material. Tell them they choose their clothing all the time and they can do it for you. I think that is the essential groundwork in not hurting your friend. Once that is done, tell her the same thing. If she can't find someting, what she can do is order the material and have a dress made that flatters her. Then you have 10 girls who all feel good in their dresses. Good luck.

[Deleted User] · October 2009

My girls are all wearing different dresses. My advice would be to give ALL of the girls a designer, color, fabric, and length then have then choose their won gown. So one person will not be singled out and everyone can choose a gown she likes.

aerinpegadrak · October 2009

It's usually easier to find a dress that flatters a big girl that will also work for a smaller one, than to find something designed for a skinny girl that will also work for a big one. If you do really want them all in the same dress, take the plus-sized girl shopping, just the two of you, first. Try to find at least three or four options that she's comfortable in. Then take your other bridesmaids out and see which one of those dresses will work best for them. Your BM will appreciate your consideration (and will appreciate not having to go shopping with a bunch of skinny girls).Honestly, you may be better off letting each girl choose her own dress within certain parameters. Even if the other girls are all "thin," they may have different body shapes that will make certain dresses difficult to wear.

banana468 · October 2009

I'd look at a designer that carries all sizes and then I'd tell the BMs to pick anything by that designer. You can even specify length but be flexible with the rest.

BelhurstBride · October 2009

I thought about each girl picking their own, but they said it would be too complicated because there were so many of them.That statement doesn't even make sense. Because there are so many of them that's the least complicated route to take. Pick out a designer and a color and insist that they can pick whatever it is that they're comfortable in. Hopefully they'll learn to appreciate you trying to make them comfortable.

mbcdefg · October 2009

I agree with Stage ... you're incredibly nice to want to go along with their wishes, but I also think that in this situation, you absolutely have the right to say, "Sorry, but it's my wedding and I would prefer you in all different styles." Just pick a designer they can all afford, then a color and a fabric and a skirt length that you like, and then tell them to get their own dresses from there: "Pick out any floor-length, satin, wine-colored dress from Alfred Angelo" (I know a bride who did this for her BMs, and everyone was very happy - a few of the girls were bigger and Alfred Angelo seemed to work for them). Good luck!

CTGirl30 · October 2009

I think it's really sweet of you to be working so hard to find a solution that everyone can feel comfortable about. I do think in this case, it would be best to go the route where you select the designer, the fabric, and color (i.e. please choose from Bill Levkoff, European Satin collection, any style in the color Sage) and then let the girls choose their own. That way everyone finds a dress they feel good in and with 10 girls, you are guarenteed to have some variation in choices.

aerinpegadrak · October 2009

Oh, I'll also chime in that it's really nice to see this type of post for a change. From the title, I was expecting to see another "how do I kick out a BM?" post. Having this kind of consideration for your bridesmaids is awesome.

gottahavashorti · October 2009

I agree with PP's that specifying designer, length and fabric is the best route to go for you. Alfred Angelo has a lot to choose from. Also, if you go to an Alfred Angelo store rather than looking at them in a boutique, they carry 3 samples of most bridesmaids dresses to accommodate everyone.

sarabear23 · October 2009

All of my girls are bigger, and we used alfred angelo. The dresses came in every color, and every size, which made it easy. And they had a few different sizes of each to try on. Good luck!

gingerthebasicemt · October 2009

Speaking as a girl who is about her size, I say how freaking dare you! You act as if her size is an inconvenience to your wedding. You know what? Every girl feels self conscious, at least once in her life. So what she's big? I'm sure you have things you are insecure about too. Don't treat her as if she's disabled!The easiest thing to do is let them all pick their own dress in the same color, length and fabric. That way she can find something that not only looks good on her, but she will feel comfortable and not have to worry about *things* spilling out.

aerinpegadrak · October 2009

joeysgirl: In matters like this, size is simply a practical consideration; when you're buying clothes, you can't simply pretend that one person isn't a different size than all the rest. The OP appears to be showing quite a lot of consideration for her friend. A lot of brides (especially given the antics we've seen these past few weeks) would probably just pick a dress that looked good on the skinny girls without regard for the larger bridesmaid.

mbcdefg · October 2009

Speaking as a girl who is about her size, I say how freaking dare you! You act as if her size is an inconvenience to your wedding. You know what? Every girl feels self conscious, at least once in her life. So what she's big? I'm sure you have things you are insecure about too. Don't treat her as if she's disabled!Er, it sounds as if she IS trying to accommodate everyone, and not have anyone feel self-conscious. The OP's concern is NOT having the largest BM in something different so that she WON'T stand out or feel like she's the one that needs a special dress.Calm down.

gingerthebasicemt · October 2009

Perhaps I misread her tone, and for that I apologize. I've been ridiculed about my weight since elementary school, and its a very sensitive topic. I've recently learned to tell people to eff off if they have issues with how I look and not let it bother me. This is only the result of lots of counseling, soul searching, and support from my FI. I am also wondering, has OP talked to her girls about what they want or what they might feel comfortable in? Instead of her blindly picking, she might want to discuss it with everyone. Like I said before, girls of all sizes have insecurities. If you are going to cater to one, you should attempt to cater to all.

Peachblossom51 · October 2009

I have to say you are being kind to try to help out everyone, but like the others have said the best idea may be to give the designer, dress color, and length and have them pick one they are most comfortable in. I promise you it is very uncomplicated and ends up looking great with so many BM's. I was in a wedding with 8 BM's and we each picked our own gown and everyone looked fantastic. Each person was comfy and looked gorgeous and when we all got our pictures taken together we looked like we were still in the same WP and our personalities shined with the brides, we actually each brought out different features of her gown when we stood beside her (things you may not have notices if we all had on the same long dress). We had girls in that WP from a size 0 to a 28. I'm seeing more often people doing that anyway, so it would look completely normal

megk8oz · October 2009

I must start off by giving you kudos for being considerate of your friend. I know you've already heard this a few times, but seriously: we DON'T hear enough stories from brides where the problems aren't all "Me-me-me!".Anyway, I would agree with PP who said go shopping with your overweight BM, have her pick a dress she likes. It really is easier to find a gown that looks good on a heavier person that a thinner person can wear than it is to do the opposite.Also, even though your BMs are weirded out by the "pick yourself" concept, it really is ok. Maybe if you just came up with a few guidelines (Like the other girls who have suggested "Color, fabric, length"), they might be more comfortable doing so. I'm sure their hang up is probably "Omg, she said 'pick anything', but what if she hates what I picked!?!?!", so laying a few ground rules might set them more at ease.Best wishes!

AlmostMrs.Munoz · October 2009

So... thank goodness we have some considerate brides around here!! I really appreciate your taking ALL of your BMs into consideration!! I would let them choose their own. I'm in a similar situation, my MOH is VERY self-consious and a bit bigger than the other girls, so I'm allowing them all to just choose their own dress. I've said which length, color and fabric I want and then letting them have free reign. I think this has been the least complicated way because it allows for different body types and for different budgets!! Two problems solved in one!! GOOD LUCK!

dsouldiva · October 2009

Joeys, I think perhaps you need a bit more of that counselling if the very mention of anything weight related sends you into such a BSC rant.OP - you could always give the girls a fabric swatch and let them go and get the dress that they feel most comfortable in, one style probably isn't going to work for everyone, especially if you have any busty girls.

JaimeeP · October 2009

If the other girls aren't interested in picking out the dresses, then take the harder to fit BM with you and select 3 dresses for the BMs to make their individual choices. Many stores don't stock alot of + sizes, you may have to order without her trying the dress. Don't put it off any longer, just in case she needs to re-order. As many others have said, thank you for being such a considerate bride.

gingerthebasicemt · October 2009

I did read the post. And yes, I know I need more counseling. I'm in counseling now, and probably will be for the rest of my life. Maybe that's my fault for not having thicker skin when my father repeatedly called me tubby during my pre-teen years, but that's neither here nor there. There are several underlying causes for my issues and I'm just learning to accept myself. Just the thought of being singled out for my weight makes me cry.What I find inconsiderate is the fact that she's only singling out the "fat girl"'s insecurities. What about the rest of her girls? I know plenty of "skinny" girls that don't like to show shoulders or legs or cleavage for other various reasons. This is my whole issue. Don't single her out! If you do something for one, do it for all. It actually makes most bigger/fat/whatever you choose to call it feel more insecure when they know they are the reason for something being changed from the original plan. How would you feel if you knew that a friend was planning on something, but because your weight was a hindrance, things were completely changed or scrapped all together. Flame me all you want, I really don't care. Just know that my intentions aren't to biitch or whine, they are to help people maybe see things through a different set of eyes.

aerinpegadrak · October 2009

How would you prefer she go about, then? Pretend that it isn't an issue at all and stick them all in the same dress without consulting or considering any of them? Hey, at least they're all getting treated equally.The OP is doing everything in her power NOT to single out the bigger girl, and that's admirable. Yes, she may need some extra accommodation to find something that will work for her, but I've found that's common with most of my plus-sized friends.There just doesn't seem to be any winning with you.

MissSadie · October 2009

Thank you all for your advice and for being so nice. You guys gave me some really great ideas. I think the best thing to do would be to let everyone pick their own dress.The reason some of the girls thought it would be too crazy picking their own dresses is because a few of us were in a wedding this spring and we were allowed to pick our own dresses. Well, one girl got upset because her dress wasn't as "cute" as everyone elses and two others almost got into an argument over wanting the same dress. I left this part out because I didn't want my post to be too long and the whole thing was silly. lolJoeys, I love my BM very much and would never do anything to hurt her feelings. Everyone has an insecurity or two no matter what their size. The thing is, I don't want my BM to not want to be in my wedding at all because she feels uncomfortable. That is all, no mean intent behind it.

dsouldiva · October 2009

Miss Sadie, you sound like a sweetheart, GL x

Liz4444 · October 2009

miss sadie, just let your girls know that even though they are picking different dresses, it is ok if some also chose the same as someone else. my girls and i all went together, i picked the designer, color and length and everyone picked their own styles. two sets of girls are wearing the same dress, the other two girls are wearing different styles. nobody seems to mind.

How do I make it work without hurting feelings?

Re: How do I make it work without hurting feelings?

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