MoH will be out of the country for the semester before the wedding...help!

sarahelisabethbr10 · October 2009

I asked my best friend to be the MoH in my wedding, but she will be in London with an off-campus program next semester, so she'll be away from December to the end of April (the wedding is on 5/22). This means it will be hard for her to help with a lot of the planning, which is ok for the most part because I have 4 other bridesmaids. However, I'm kind of worried that she will miss the shower and other important pre-parties, and I don't want that to happen. Suggestions? [url=http://www.theknot.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.theknot.com/tools/tickers/tt465bd.aspx[/img][/url]

vsgal · October 2009

My suggestion is to support her. She is getting an amazing opportunity.The only thing she needs to do for your wedding is to buy a dress, show up and smile for the pics. She does not have to plan your wedding. That is the responsibility of you and your FI.She does not need to make programs or favors. See above explanation.She does not have to attend or even plan pre-wedding events. If she can make it to the shower, she will. There is not an obligation for her to be there.Something to remember--Nobody cares about your wedding more than you and your FI. You should not expect anybody to miss life-changing opportunities for your wedding day. That is a selfish idea furthered by crappy movies.

bostongirl77 · October 2009

I'd let people (your mom, the other bridesmaids) know that you really want your MOH to be able to be around for everything. Hopefully they'll plan things for the three weeks leading up to the wedding. But it might be that she just has to miss out on some of it. See how she feels about it. If you really want her there and she really wants to be there, maybe you could plan to call her from any parties she's missing. If she REALLY wants to be there, and scheduling doesn't work, maybe you could put a laptop in the room where the shower or whatever is being held and she could Skype in. My attendants are all over the country but they still email me ideas and things once in awhile, and I can run ideas by them. So you can still email with her while she's overseas.

LarissaAnn · October 2009

Well, if you don't want that to happen, you're out of luck. You and your FI should plan and work on your own wedding. End of story. It sucks she'll miss the parties (though she could be back in time for a bachelorette party), but such is life. Not everyone gets to have all the fun. When my sister got married, one of her bridesmaids, a very close friend, was in Azerbaijan, of all places. She communicated with us via email to help plan things and offer suggestions (she's the one who came up with our shower favor idea!) but couldn't be there for anything except the rehearsal and wedding. Everyone survived, and 6 years later, my sis is still married. To the same guy, even.

stina93446 · October 2009

I don't really see what the problem is. She's studying abroad but she'll be back in time for the wedding. As a bm, she's not required to attend any parties (as they are not mandatory to give) and she's also not required to help plan. I think you should be happy for her that she's getting to go to London and also happy that she can make the wedding. Consider yourself lucky.

megk8oz · October 2009

Well, you don't really need her or any of the BMs really for the planning (Although it is great if they want to help). But thanks to the wonder of the internet, you will be able to send contact her for things like making sure she likes/can afford the dress that you pick for your girls. As far as the parties go, attendance of the BMs is not mandatory ... actually, having the parties is not mandatory. But if somebody does decide to throw you any of the parties, they *are* supposed to get a guest list from the bride (To make sure that friends and relatives that are invited to the wedding get the invite ... and to ensure that people not on the wedding guest list accidently get invited). I would just make sure that if somebody approaches you about a guest list to mention that you would like MOH to get an invite, even if she necessarily can't make it. Who knows? There might be a way for her to be there after all, like if they get held after she gets home, or perhaps she can attend via skype.

mbcdefg · October 2009

Bridesmaids are not required to help you plan the wedding and are not obligated to throw or attend pre-wedding parties for you. If she feels like participating, she will e-mail or call you with offers to help. Otherwise, let it go ... if she's studying then she's probably very busy (and don't forget that the time zone difference will make communication hard sometimes). Plus some women are not into wedding planning, so if weddings aren't her style and she isn't really interested in the plans, then don't take it personally. Remember that your marriage is the important thing here, not the planning and not even the wedding day itself, so as long as she's a good friend then she's fine. The parties are not important in the grand scheme of things ... what's important is that she will be there for the wedding. All you can really do is hope that another bridesmaid, or whoever might want to plan a party for you (remember that it's a gift, not an obligation, so you don't automatically get one - and that's also why you can't outright ask someone to plan them for you), asks you for some potential dates for a shower or bachelorette. Then you can say, "MOH is coming home from London at the end of April. I'd love it if she could attend, so if you could work around her schedule that'd be awesome. Here's her e-mail address. But if that doesn't work for you, here are some alternate dates that'd work for me."Just go with the flow, and remember to touch base with MOH once in a while to ask her how her trip and her studies are going. Don't talk about your wedding 100% of the time ... it might be in your best interest to let HER ask YOU how the planning is going. Just keep being a friend to her - wedding or no wedding - and you'll be fine.

sarahelisabethbr10 · October 2009

I feel like the way I stated my post was misleading...I didn't mean at all that I resented that she was going to London or that I NEEDED her to help me plan...I was just wondering how I can best involve her in the plans for the wedding--she does want to be involved even though she will be out of the country. [url=http://www.theknot.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.theknot.com/tools/tickers/tt465bd.aspx[/img][/url]

CTGirl30 · October 2009

If you want to keep her in the loop, how about a monthly (or bimonthly) emailed Bridesmaid newsletter that goes to all the girls? Let them get their dose of wedding updates there so you can still have plenty of non-wedding conversation the rest of the time. :-) She can read it when she gets time between studying and the time difference and still feel up to speed with what's happening.

mbcdefg · October 2009

Send her a few e-mails about the plans, and maybe mention it in phone calls when you talk to her. Just be sure not to go overboard. Or keep a blog or a Knot bio with your plans (if it's got personal info, password-protect it and don't share it with people you don't know, including Knotties), and send her the URL so that she can check it at her leisure. That way, the info is there if she wants it but you're not forcing it on her if weddings aren't her thing. BTW, if you want that countdown graphic to appear with your posts, put it in your signature line (click the blue Happy Face logo at the top of the page to edit your bio). You don't need to paste it into every post you make. If you put it in your signature line it'll appear automatically.

bablingbrooke · October 2009

Planning and attending pre-wedding parties isn't mandatory for her. Don't kick her out of your wedding because an amazing opportunity came up in HER life. HER life doesn't got on hold for YOUR wedding. Suggestion: Be excited for her, plan your wedding, and tell her you'll see her there.

gottahavashorti · October 2009

Have her get her measurements done before she leaves if possible. If attending a shower is important to her, she can host or let the hosts know her availability in case they are able to accommodate her schedule. Keep in touch with her by e-mail and then she can get wedding updates if she asks about them.

bablingbrooke · October 2009

So having read your follow-up, send her emails letting her know what's going on. I will say this: Be prepared for her to not be as excited once she gets there. I did a total immersion program in London when I was in college. Things that I was really into before I left took a backseat to all the new and exciting people and places in my life. So she may say NOW that she wants to stay in the loop, but just be prepared for her to be so immersed in her new life that your wedding is an afterthought for awhile. And be prepared for her to want to ONLY talk about her new life, rather than the wedding. Good friends should always make a conscious effort not to talk only about themselves, I'm just saying that this is one of those things that's so life-changing she might seem disinterested for awhile. Which will change once she gets back to the US.

[Deleted User] · October 2009

I live in London and am having a wedding in Philadelphia, everything will be fine! My biggest piece of advice would be DO NOT make her feel bad for getting to go away. She will be back a month before your wedding. Everything will be great!

Leah&Christian09 · October 2009

Why do you think she needs to know about your wedding planning? If she wants to know, she will ask. If she's spending the semester abroad, she'll probably be really busy with other things and will ask when she gets home. Your other 4 BMs don't need to help you with the planning either. They will also ask if they want to know. Yes, she'll probably miss the shower if it is while she's in London. So?

sunflowerbride5 · October 2009

I am in the same situation because my sister will be living in Germany (she'll just barely make it home for the rehearsal dinner!). We had planned all these different ways to keep in touch because, like your friend, she really wanted to be involved in the planning and help me with things. We have Skype dates to talk about stuff and email frequently, but she is having so much fun exploring the country (and continent!) that she just doesn't have time or the inclination to be that involved. I agree with other posters, send her a few updates about the big things (your dress!) and just let her ask about other things. It's so hard to keep in touch as it is, you and she will probably want to spend the time you do have to talk about other life things and not your wedding! And as much as it sucks, she's just going to miss the pre-event parties. You will both know that she wants to be there, and she'll be there for the most important event and that's really all that matters. Even if she lived here there wouldn't be a guarantee that she could attend them all (because people do have lives outside of our weddings).

tiffspff · October 2009

A little late on this... but one of my bridesmaids was in Ireland from June - early August (my wedding was Sept 19th). Because my bridesmaids are all over the place, we had the shower in June, and she couldn't be there. And the bach party was in August, but she was broke having just come back from Ireland. She was at my wedding, with her dress on and I was thrilled. That's why I asked her to be a bridesmaid, for her support on my wedding day.

MoH will be out of the country for the semester before the wedding...help!

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