Bridesmaid dropout

AmyLaurel89 · November 2009

My future sister in law, lets call her "Shannon", has been recently married and is quite the planner. I love and trust her like no one else. She is going to be a huge part of planning. After I asked her to be one of 6 bridesmaids, she told me she would rather plan. She has been BM and planned for a friend before and it was "too stressful". I certainly don't want her stressed. I also want her to be able to watch and enjoy the wedding since it is her brother up there with me. I don't know how to bring it up with her now that some time has past. I think that someone could help on the day of the event so she can be a bridesmaid but honestly I don't see the difference. Am I crazy? Is she worried for nothing? And how do I tell her I want her to be my bridesmaid anyway?

hmonkey · November 2009

sorry, she already told you she would prefer not to be a bridesmaid. asking her again might make her feel that she has no choice and is being forced into it.let her go gracefully.

aprilrose975 · November 2009

I think she already gave you your answer. She politely declined. Not everyone wants to be a bridesmaid.

banana468 · November 2009

I think you can say, "Of course you know I'd love it if you were up there with me but please do whatever makes you comfortable."And then just let it go. She may want to not incur additional BM expenses so being planner is her way of helping.

mbcdefg · November 2009

Ditto Banana. Don't take it personally. Be glad she was honest with you now, instead of this escalating into a problem later on. It sounds like she loves you and wants to help out in her own way, so just drop the subject and let her plan if that's what makes her happy. And you do not need a replacement bridesmaid, if you are also going to ask about that. Just go on with the 5 bridesmaids. If there are extra groomsmen, a bridesmaid can have two escorts.

jeannigirl · November 2009

She already gave you her answer I would not bring it up further. I do understand that you want her has a BM but she was honest with you. Just let her help plan and be a guest and include her in some of your pics.

bablingbrooke · November 2009

It's incredibly disappointing. I don't blame you for being upset. I wouldn't take it personally. You mentioned that she just got married and is into planning. She may have some wedding burnout. She may not know the other BMs and may be uncomfortable around new people. She may not have the money. She may be pregnant already and not want to tell you yet but doesn't want to deal w/ shopping for a dress while pregnant. There could be 100 reasons that have nothing to do w/ her. Make sure you show your appreciation for all her help, get her a corsage for the wedding, and let her know the door is always open in case she has a change of heart. But I wouldn't press the issue.

bablingbrooke · November 2009

*that have nothing to do with you. Sorry.

SarahPLiz · November 2009

I agree with PPs. She probably feels honored that you offerred, but she has reasons for not wanting to be a BM. My 4 closest friends and I all decided that none of us would ask the others to be bridesmaids when we got married, because we don't wnat to own any more formal dresses we will never wear again. However, we did decide as a group that we would definitely help plan and execute each other's weddings, just not as BMs. She doesn't have to be a BM to help you plan. Let her be, and do what she is most comfortable with. If you feel that you need to publically acknoledge her help, list her in the program as "planner extraordinaire" or some other accolade.

duckie1905 · November 2009

She gave you her answer. Do not ask her about it again.I've had to decline being a BM before. It wasn't exactly something I enjoyed doing but if the bride had brought it up again I would've felt forced to do it and that would've been worse.

Butkus51507 · November 2009

Be grateful she told you. You can tell her that the option is still there, but that you respect her decision! And be happy that she was open with you.

Lanyer · November 2009

I understand your disappointment but I think you are very fortunate to have such an honest future SIL and one who supports you so much through her planning. I have a friend who is not able to be a bridesmaid but she is spending the day getting ready with me and my bridesmaids and is doing a reading at the wedding. The reading is not something everyone would be comfortable with but maybe your SIL could spend the day with you and your girls? As long as she feels valued for her contributions to your wedding I think both of you will be more comfortable with her not being a maid.

jenn_t784 · November 2009

I agree with PPs. When my FI and I go engaged, my FSIL volunteered to make the wedding cake and plan the wedding which I though was very sweet BUT her husband is one of my FI's groomsmen and her daughters are going to be my flower girls. Having her plan the wedding, bake the cake, find dresses for the girls, help get her husband get ready and get herself ready....that is waaaay too much work for her to deal with so I let her know that I will be looking for a baker and get some help with planning so she wont have to stress about it.

tommyandy · November 2009

ditto pp. I would also send her an edible arrangement or a day at the spa at Sawgrass after the wedding as a thank-you.

jadedecaro · November 2009

well, if she doesnt want to be a BM, then she doesnt want to.she can enjoy the wedding from the guest section too!and she'll be proud of it.

AmyLaurel89 · November 2009

I think I've gotten the worst batch of answers. Part of this is my fault. I wasn't clear. She left it up to me. She said she wanted to plan also but it would be really difficult and wasn't sure she could handle the stress. Every time she said this though, she would end with "but its up to you". Also, She is the grooms sister, one of three. She would be the only sibling not in the bridal party. I take it very seriously who is in my bridal party and I want her. The question is not should i ask her again or not. It is, how do I tell her I've made my choice to get someone else to plan and she will be a BM?

duckie1905 · November 2009

AmyLaurel-she left it up to you to be nice. She really doesn't want to be a BM but this was her way of allowing you to have control over the situation. If she really wanted to be a BM this never would've come up. She said "its up to you" but really doesn't want to be a member of the WP. It really doesn't matter that you take your WP seriously and you want her in it. She's made it pretty clear that she doesn't want to be a BM. If you don't want her to plan then tell her that you aren't expecting her to do it anymore. But, I would not bring up that you'd still like her to be a BM. I don't think she wants to do it.

Bridesmaid dropout

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