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South Asian Weddings

It's over.

Some backstory reminders: I left R following his drunken rough behavior with my five-year-old. I came back in February. We were in couples' therapy. We were working on it. We were getting back to good.

In May he confessed to having an affair while I was gone. Well, heconfessed to kissing a co-worker of his when I was gone. Later that day I remembered that he had made a confession to cheating on me while I was mostly asleep, probably banking that I wouldn't remember it because I wasn't awake. I confronted him and he confirmed it all. I stayed with him, trying to work it out, for almost two months after that. We fought almost daily, because he kept saying he'd fix it only he wasn't really fixing it.

Last night his parents came over because they found out about his affair and they spent a couple hours yelling at him. He swore up and down to me and his parents last night that it was over, nothing was happening.

But there were texts on his phone from yesterday and today confirming otherwise. I confronted him about it and I told him he had ONE LAST CHANCE to set it all right. One more chance to drop her and fix us before I left him for good. I told him if he threw it away at that point, he was throwing it away forever.

And he threw it away. He threw our entire relationship, our family, all of it, away. Got in his car and drove off.

I called my parents, my sister, and some friends and they helped me move myself, my kids, my dog, and all my stuff back to my mom’s house. He came back when the u-Haul was mostly packed, and his parents and brother were there trying to get him to talk for a good two hours, yelling at him about how much of an idiot he was being and trying to get him to say something to stop me before I left and it was way too late. Around 8 he asked if we could talk and we went to the back bedroom, where he proceeded begging me to stay, to unpack, to let him prove it. ”I’ll go to therapy,” ”I’ll drop her,” ”I’ll do anything,” etc, etc, etc. Only it was too late. Crocodile tears, and at this point even if he does do all that in an attempt to prove it to me, it’s far too late. I can never trust him again. The girl is already there. I wasn’t even gone an hour and she was in his bed again. (He called asking me to please at least let him see the kids tomorrow, and I heard her speak.)

So, my world is upside-down again. Round Two (in seven months, no less) of Unpacking My Life In My Mother’s Living Room. It was just NOT supposed to happen this way and I’m missing pieces of my heart that I can’t find right now.
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Re: It's over.

  • edited December 2011
    Oh Beloved, I am so so so sorry. You have been beyond patient with R and he has done nothing but use you and walk all over you. I know it's tough, especially with kidlet and kidlette, but in the long run I promise you will be better off. In the year and a half that I have been on the boards, I've some to know you has a strong, resilient woman and I have no doubt that you will pull through this.

    I am sorry you are hurting though and it's completely OK to feel that way for a long time. You have your family, who seem like a great support system. And we of course are here for you, too.

    Sending you great, big hugs!
    ExerciseMilestone
  • Priya310Priya310 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I am so sorry for what you are going through.  As they say though- once a cheat, always a cheat.  Cut your losses, file for child support and move on.  You do not deserve to be treated this way.   Good luck to you and your kiddies. 
  • edited December 2011
    Thanks, ladies.

    I'm not even angry, really. Hurt. Heartbroken. But not angry anymore.

    I'll be posting in a few days with wedding stuff for sale. I have an ivory wedding dress, a red beaded sari that hasn't even had the blouse cut yet, a couple of necklace sets, some other jewelry I made that I'm willing to part with because I made them specifically for the wedding and I don't want to keep them anymore. I just have to find them, my camera, and the time to upload.
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  • edited December 2011
    Things are a little better today. I'm not angry anymore. Hurt and heartbroken, to be sure, but the anger's gone. I can tell, because I no longer wish to hog-tie him and throw him into the Amazon so the piranhas can eat him.

     

    I still love him, even though I really want to hate him. I know if the situation could be fixed I’d take him back in half a heartbeat, but it’s well beyond repair. The trust is just gone. I trusted him, I believed everything he told me, until I found those texts yesterday. His phone buzzed while he was taking a nap, so I checked it for him - like I always do and he knows it, so it was his own fool behavior to leave the texts on his phone if he didn’t want to be caught - and there they were, right in the open. He was texting her while I was home yesterday telling her that she should come over when I left to take Kidlet to speech therapy. Things like, “she’s still here, but I’ll let you know when she’s gone.” The conversation included pet names, endearments, “I miss you”s and such. He told me when I came back that she’d been over while I was out, but he said that she called him and asked if she could come over to check on him (he’s missed three days of work with a bronchitis-type thing and is under orders now from his boss to go to the doctor if he isn't better by Monday).

     

    He’s been texting me today. Trying to get me to at least be friends so he could earn my trust back. I told him I was only willing to stay in touch with him for the kids’ sake, but I didn’t want to be friends. However awful of a partner he’s become, he’s been good with the kids and I don’t want to make them suffer for his f*ck-ups. But that doesn’t mean I have to be friends with him. Loving him doesn’t mean I have to let him hurt me again. Forgiving him doesn’t mean I have to take him back. I gave him every opportunity to fix us and keep us together, and he discarded them like he didn’t even care. It’s too late now. Best he can hope for is not to royally screw up his relationships with the children.

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  • temurlangtemurlang member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I'm so sorry this has happened.  I have witnessed you give him every chance to pull himself together (way more chances than he would have gotten from me), and sadly he just doesn't seem able to do the right thing.

    While this is a terrible and difficult situation for you, I do think it's always better to end things earlier rather than later.

    GL and lots of hugs!
  • edited December 2011
    I'm so sorry.  I've only been reading your posts for a few months, but I know you have really, really tried.  You have put your heart and soul into this relationship - for you, for him, for your kids.  But you cannot do it alone.  He has to give to the relationship too.  And by carrying on with her for as long as he has, he isn't going to change.  You are very strong for admitting that and doing something to put yourself in a better situation. 

    I can sympathize with ending up in your mom's living room when you didn't plan on it, but I can't imagine what you are going through right now beyond that.  My heart breaks for you.  But you are clearly very strong.  You have people around you who love you and are there for you.  We are here for you.  You will get through this.  It will be painful, but the pain will go away eventually. 

    Hang in there.  Hug your kids.  Hug your mom.  Know we would all hug you if we could.
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  • mimosa1977mimosa1977 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    oh my friend....I am sooo very sorry to hear all of this.  I had read your posts way before I even started to post on the board.  You are an AMAZING person for trying to make it work with R..through all the drama with him and his family.  

    I am relieved that you have made a decision to move on with your life.  Just remember that in order for your kids to be happy you to must be happy.... HUGS!!!
  • edited December 2011
    I went back to the apartment this morning to pick up the homemade applesauce I’d forgotten in the fridge and to look for my son’s glasses that went missing in the move (this is what happens when you break up, pack and move in less than three hours because you weren’t planning on moving at all) and I left my key.

    The girlfriend has already begun moving in. Her dog was in the house. Her knickknacks all over what used to be my kitchen and bedroom. Her photos on the fridge. It just renewed the hurt all over again.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_its-over?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:430Discussion:39ffa9a3-23bc-4110-904a-6bf0cf2a535bPost:5d842f5f-394f-4a49-9106-8096dd98e50d">Re: It's over.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I went back to the apartment this morning to pick up the homemade applesauce I’d forgotten in the fridge and to look for my son’s glasses that went missing in the move (this is what happens when you break up, pack and move in less than three hours because you weren’t planning on moving at all) and I left my key.<strong> The girlfriend has already begun moving in. Her dog was in the house. Her knickknacks all over what used to be my kitchen and bedroom. Her photos on the fridge. It just renewed the hurt all over again.</strong>
    Posted by HisBelovedOne[/QUOTE]

    Wow. Just wow. I am not sure who is worse - R for cheating or the girl for moving in 5 minutes after you left. They both deserve each other it would seem. You are much better off. I hope though that he continues to be a father to your children, they are the innocent victims :(
    ExerciseMilestone
  • edited December 2011

    Yeah, hetried to sell me a story about that. I didn’t buy it and no one I’ve told it to has bought it either. Neither will (the collective) you, but here it is:

     

    She came over Thursday night because he didn’t want to be alone in the house. (But she slept in bed with him when there are TWO other beds in the house to sleep on.) And she started moving in because she got kicked out of her house. (HER house that her mother left to her when the mom moved to another state.) Her ex-fiance - who broke off their engagement when she told him about the affair but was still living there, for whatever reason - decided to get mad and punch walls and kick her out of her own house. So instead of calling the police, the girl (who is a “trained martial artist”) runs to R and moves in.


    RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT. Because that one’s believable.

     

    He's been lying to me this entire time. Should have expected as much, right?

     

    The hardest part isn't that he cheated or that he lied. Isn't, even, that I trusted him and he let me down in a big way. The hardest part is the utterly irretrievable loss of everything we were, everything we had, every plan and hope and dream we had together. I never envisioned it ending, let alone like this.

     

    However... I have a better relationship with my former future-in-laws now than I ever did when I was engaged to and living with their son. Figure that one out, will ya?

    I just spent 30 minutes on the phone with his parents trying to figure out what to tell the entire family - because his mother apparently told ALL OF THEM that we were already married, and then this. His favorite cousin is coming into town in two weeks, and no one outside of his parents and brother know that I've moved out and his girlfriend has moved in. They really need to know before they get here, because otherwise it'll be an awful shock to them when they go visit him and not only are his "wife" and children not living there, but some other girl is. I don't imagine that'll go over too well.

    He probably doesn't even know how his actions have affected EVERYthing. Things are about to get quite a bit bumpier than thy already were - and that was pretty damn bumpy! I wouldn't be bothering, except that they want to see the baby. And I don't want to cause problems for his parents or brother, who are completely innocent in this whole situation.

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  • temurlangtemurlang member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_its-over?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:430Discussion:39ffa9a3-23bc-4110-904a-6bf0cf2a535bPost:f1946c28-1212-4a38-8e4c-7653895e31e7">Re: It's over.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: It's over. : Wow. Just wow. I am not sure who is worse - R for cheating or the girl for moving in 5 minutes after you left. They both deserve each other it would seem. You are much better off. I hope though that he continues to be a father to your children, they are the innocent victims :(
    Posted by raangoli[/QUOTE]

    My thought exactly... what kind of girl actually wants to move in with a guy hours after the mother of his child left him?  And apparently begin decorating too?

    If her story were true and R did want to work things out he would have told her to go to another friend's place!

    Beloved, actually, your ILs' behavior deosn't surprise me that much.  My ILs also ddin't make a big distinction about marriage.  When I moved in with DH they treated me as bahu.  They wanted a wedding to have a wedding, not so much for the marriage part, I think.  Also, my cousin's wife left him (IDK details, but presumably he did something pretty bad), and his parents totally took her side.  An a$$ is an a$$, even when it's your son.

    As far as her telling relatives you were married, that's easy.  "Wife" and "GF" are just words.  He cheated, you took the kids and left him and went to your mother's.  Wives have done the same.  And maybe your ILs would like to bring the cousin over to your mother's to meet Chandra... or some other place, but not R's house.  So your MIL will have to admit that her son did something embarrassingly dumb, but not that she lied.
  • kpwedkkkpwedkk member
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I too am very sorry that things couldn't work out between yourself and R.  I read many of your posts before hand and know the drama that his family caused.  Know that you tried your utmost best to hang on for the betterment of your kiddos, but for the sake of your happiness, and their happiness, due to R's infidelities, you have to move forward.

    If you ever want to vent, we are here for you... I know that state laws where you are might be different from what I went through, but if you have any questions at all, let me know... I agree with all that have previously posted it's time to get a lawyer, seek mediation help, and get child support.  Also document everything, texts, emails, etc.

    Know that you have kindness, compassion, motherly love for your children, and you are absolutely confident and have the strength inside you, and the support of all of us to help you step forward.

    Super Duper Hugs!

    "The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart." ~ Miss K ~
  • edited December 2011
    Honestly, all I can say is wow! Glad to hear you got out of it. Wierd that his parents said you were already married.
  • edited December 2011
    Pretty sure his mom was trying to save face because "people talk in India and it's just not done to have kids before you're married."

    So now she either gets to tell them the truth (opens up one can of worms) or tell them we're getting divorced (opens up a different can of worms). Either way, I'm still gone, so it's can open, worms everywhere.
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  • edited December 2011
    Beloved, I am so sorry to hear this.  I think you've done the right thing, stay strong!

    Also new girlfriend is ... a piece of work, let's just say that.
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  • edited December 2011
    beloved -

    i'm so sorry to hear about all that has happened.  you seem like such a strong woman, and i'm certain that you and your cute kids will get through this.  you are an amazing mum, and resilient. good for you for choosing what is best for you. You deserve better!
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