Need Advice: Future Army Wife

rinanmatt · November 2009

Hi Gals,I am fairly new to the boards but have gotten some great advice already just perusing through the posts. It seems you all support each other really well, so I thought I'd put out a post asking for some advice.My fi proposed to me this past October on our 1 year anniversary, and I happily accepted. We planned to get married in early of 2011, after he comes back from his deployment. Lately he has expressed that he wants to get married, legally, before he deploys in December, as there are so many financial benefits when you are a married couple in the armed forces. He said that we can still have our reception in early 2011 like we planned, but I wonder if it would diminish the value of our celebration since we got married earlier. I really was hoping to have a traditional wedding, saying our vows in front of our family and friends, but can't help also think of the practicality of getting married before he deploys. What are your thoughts? What would you do?Thanks for any advice you can offer....

lindseyanne1 · November 2009

Hi. We thought about doing this too, he's currently deployed and in the Air Force. We both want a big wedding though and we thought we both wanted to wait for that because it seems so fake to elope and then have a 'real' wedding later. Don't get me wrong though we really did think about the money but in the end we decided that the traditional wedding was more important to us. Also, I'm not saying this to be rude or anything but deployment is VERY hard, have you gone through one with him yet? It really tests a relationship, I just found out that a guy that is deployed with mine is getting a divorce and they've been together for two years and it's only two months into deployment. I'm not saying this will happen to you at all, but truly I would wait if a traditional wedding is what you want, there's no big hurry anyway, you have the rest of your lives together. Congrats!

whiteangel97 · November 2009

Basically, I think it's what is more important to you. Do the financial benefits for an extra year outweigh your wish for a traditional wedding/reception package?Everyone is different here. I, myself, am not a money person. The wedding day is more important than saving a bit of money here and there. But it's what YOU see as most important. Also, you could opt for a double ceremony. I've known couples that hurried up and got married for whatever reason at the courthouse or eloping, then did an actual ceremony at a later date for family and friends. Theoretically you can have as many ceremonies as you want, lol. You just don't get a license every time

Think of it as renewing your vows after the first year of marriage. They say it's the hardest, right?

KarliVtobe · November 2009

My boyfriends brother and fiance (legally his wife but only the immediate families know this, not even grandparents or aunts and uncles know) signed the papers for this reason before he deployed. They own a home together and he wanted to make sure that she was taken care of, god forbid, if something did happen to him. They didn't say vows or anything it was literally signing papers. They still will have their wedding this coming year and everyone will be there. She has told the family that she wants their wedding day, and anniversary, to be the date that they say their vows. I think that this is a reality for a lot of people in the military. She had a hard time going through with it but after many discussions they met in the middle and decided on this option. He doesn't wear his wedding band and neither does she. In all aspects they act like they're engaged.

lindseyanne1 · November 2009

Karlivtobe- I'm sorry but that is all kinds of wrong. You can't just tell your family that you got married before your 'real' wedding! That is offensive to the guests who are led to believe that they are seeing you get married for the first time. This would be a vow renewal and not a marriage! I have to assume you meant they got married, and btw that is not just signing a piece of paper, I know the spouse cannot receive military benefits unless married so this must mean they are married already. I really would let them know that they should consider this a vow renewal and not a wedding to save any frustration/embarrasment from guests finding out that they were previously married.

WendyDH · November 2009

Rina - This is a tough decision, and I can empathize with you since I am in the same situation. My FI deployed at the end of July, and this separation has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I asked him about his thoughts of just going to a JOP when he comes home for R&R in December, since I love him and will marry him no matter what. However, I also have always dreamed of a traditional wedding, and so has he, and so we've decided to wait until after he returns. I know my family would love to be there for that day, and I also don't want any hurt feelings caused by having a "quickie" ceremony just to make it legal. I only plan on getting married once, and I want it to be special and memorable. I'm not the most patient person, but I know it will be more than worth the wait, and our relationship will be so much stronger for it. The benefits the military offers married couples is definitely tempting, and I've heard so many horror stories of young men marrying right before they ship out just to get more money only to get screwed in the end. I guess what I'm saying is I agree with lindseyanne's advice - just keep a clear head and think about what would make both of you happier in the end.

redheadfsu · November 2009

Just have to say this is a very personal choice. Only you can decide this. The early 2011 celebration would be a vow renewal which isn't as special as a wedding. If you do the courthouse wedding, please don't lie to family & friends, just be honest. Several different boards have threads about this, if you want to scan the different opinions about it.

AlexiaANDRobert · November 2009

I'm sorry but that is all kinds of wrong. You can't just tell your family that you got married before your 'real' wedding! That is offensive to the guests who are led to believe that they are seeing you get married for the first time.I disagree.In my family and faith, the JOP marriage doesn't mean squat - yes, LEGALLY I'm married so if something happens, it's good. But the ceremony that matters is the one in the Church with a Priest and God present. My parents bought a house together 3 months before their wedding and did a JOP wedding to buy the house together - they didn't live together or anything - nothing changed except they were legally married. The Church wedding is the one that the ENTIRE family recognizes. It's only offensive if you let it be.I think this is an extremely personal decision and you're going to find people who are strongly for and against this.Ultimately, you have to do what is right for you and your FI.

KarliVtobe · November 2009

I'm sorry but that is all kinds of wrong. You can't just tell your family that you got married before your 'real' wedding! That is offensive to the guests who are led to believe that they are seeing you get married for the first time. This would be a vow renewal and not a marriage! I have to assume you meant they got married, and btw that is not just signing a piece of paper, I know the spouse cannot receive military benefits unless married so this must mean they are married already. I really would let them know that they should consider this a vow renewal and not a wedding to save any frustration/embarrasment from guests finding out that they were previously married.Maybe you should do some continued research.. They did not say any vows and their was no judge or preist in attendance. They literally signed a piece of paper in front of two other members of the Army at a kitchen table and they are recieving benefits as a married couple. In the eyse of the United States Army they are legally married. In the eyes of family and friends she is his fiance, this includes those of us that do know they're legally married. She has not changed her last name and won't do so until their wedding. It's not a renewal of vows because they never said any vows. A wedding is making that promise to each other and our Lord in front of family and friends. If family and friends find out later it's because someone opened their mouth when they shouldn't have. If the bride and groom decide to tell family and friends later I'd be shocked if anyone was "frustrated or embarrased" by this. If family/friends are embarrased they should be by their own actions and selfishness not the actions of the bride and groom. This was one of the hardest decisions I've seen two people make. They made this decision not for the extra money that comes in while he is deployed but for the fact that he wanted to make sure that she was taken care of if anything did happen to him while he's at war. The entire family on both sides has been very supportive of this decision and we all understand why they made this decision.

redheadfsu · November 2009

KarlYou must not read many posts on the knot. The exact situation you have described has busted into flames. Many people who find out their friends or family have lied to them about being married come onto the knot, rant about being betrayed, & are VERY upset. If they "signed a piece of paper" guess what they are married. Now I don't care about vow renewals unlike lots of people on the knot. If I was invited to a Vow Renewal I would go party & give a gift. But lying is wrong & I would end a friendship over someone lying about being married. That shows they don't trust or value my relationship to them at all.

sucrets4 · November 2009

The entire family on both sides has been very supportive of this decision and we all understand why they made this decision.You mean only the VERY FEW people that know?

squirrly · November 2009

FI is in the Army. If he got deployment orders, we would JOP before he left. Hopefully, his immediate family could fly down and we could do that with close family present. We would likely have a big party when he got home to celebrate our marriage with our friends & his safe return & everything else we might be happy about at that time. Getting married before he deployed would be entirely so that the Army would give me information about him while he's gone and so that I could take care of legal paperwork for him in his absence. BUT that would be our wedding, and we know that. We would tell friends and family TRUTHFULLY about our actual wedding. We wouldn't pretend and have a fake ceremony when he came back. Do what is best for you and your FI. But -- TELL THE TRUTH. Whatever you do, don't lie. Would you lie to your FI? Would you cheat on him? No, I didn't think so. Now, why would you treat your family and friends that way?

skhynes · November 2009

If the bride and groom aren't doing anything wrong by getting married before their big "wedding" then why lie about it to people that care about them enough to attend their "wedding"?? That makes no sense to me.

nda_roxybabe · November 2009

In the eyse of the United States Army they are legally marriedExactly, so they are married. There may not have been a priest but there was someone with the same powers as a judge. THey are legally married, no getting around that.

lindseyanne1 · November 2009

Thanks to everyone who agrees with me! Signing a piece of paper=being married!!! And I really hope they turn this into a vow renewal because that is truly what it is, I would be upset if I went to a wedding expecting to see them get married for the first time only to find out later that they were already married. If you are married before, no matter how many people you tell, you can't have all of the normal activities associated with a wedding, ie a bachelorette party (your already married!), a bridal shower (something that happens before you get married)....and so on. They really need to tell people about this before the wedding because otherwise it might blow up at them later!

SarahSmile23 · November 2009

ultimately, it's a personal decision, but i agree that it's not a good idea to start of your lives together by lying to the people who care about you.

KarliVtobe · November 2009

I never said they were not legally married. I did say that it wouldn't be a vow renewal because now vows were said. The marriage license has been signed that's it. They made the choice to have no family or close friends in attenance so that they could celebrate their "wedding" on the day they say vows and make a promise to God, and each other in front of everyone. This will be their wedding date and the family will honor that. Just becuase you think it's "all kinds of wrong" doesn't mean that it is for everyone. They aren't keeping this knowledge to themselves to bring more people out to the wedding, or to lie to people and offend anyone. They are doing so because they're both religous and value the promise they're making to each other in front of family and friends a lot more than a piece of paper. Therefore their wedding date will be honored on the day they say their vows. I've seen the post where people are pissed off about others doing JOP's and lying about it. I think a lot of those people were doing the JOP for selfish reasons. I stand by the decision that these two made because I care about them and understand their reasoning. Also, because they struggled with this decision more than anyone could imagine. I think a lot of people are quick to judge with out knowing the circumstances.

On_Cloud_Nine · November 2009

My BIL is a Marine. He and my sister waited until his return before they got married. Honestly, I would have been PO'd if they went and had a JOP before he left just for the money benefits. I would also be hurt if I was lied to. Do whatever you decide is best, but PLEASE DO NOT LIE to your families. It is not fair to anyone involved, including yourself.And I agree that signing a paper=married. If you are receiving legal benefits for being a married couple, then you are a married couple. Anything after that is a vow renewal, and not a wedding.

lbona760 · November 2009

Hi rina! I am in the EXACT same situation as you! My fiance and I just got engaged about a week ago and he is being deployed in May. We were considering doing something very small and private before he left and having a ceremony when he got back not only for the benefits, but so that I would be his point of contact. I'm sure you know and army girlfriend means NOTHING until you are a legal wife. We decided to wait till he gets home and do the wedding in summer of 2011 because no matter how much more money we might be saving by marrying, I dont think I would ever get over that feeling that my wedding day is not truly my wedding day. To me, that money is not worth it, and if you think about it, you will be saving a LOT of money while he's deployed weather your married or not. Its an entire year for him of no expenses, plus he's making hazardous pay and still getting his housing pay. It is definitely a personal decision, but I wrestled with it for the same reasons you did. When I get married, I wanna get MARRIEd and Feel married and celebrate it with my family and friends. I always think of the entrance at the reception when the dj says " I now pronounce, for the first time, MR and MRS ....." Anyways, hoped this helped, and by the way where is your fiance stationed??

rinanmatt · November 2009

Thank you all for your feedback...it has given Fi and I alot to think about! I will keep you all posted as to what we decide...Thanks again for taking the time to help!

dsouldiva · November 2009

Could you do an intimate wedding now and have a big 1st annivesary party?The significance of the vows is that they are the binding promise a couple makes to each other (plus God/ your community depending on your beliefs). if you are already legally married you will have already made that commitment to each other, so doing it over again holds little significance, even if the second time around there are family and friends and a church.It is a very personal decision and there is no right or wrong answer, but your wedding day will always be the day you said "I do/will" and got your marriage certificate. If you really want the "traditional" wedding I would wait, if you really want to be "husband and wife" I'd do it now.

hillaryeggert · November 2009

I love these heated posts. :)I like the attempt of people trying to justify their actions by saying "signing papers" wasn't really like getting married because it wasn't "in front of a priest or God." Hello! Tons of people get married without priests - do you think people who opt to get married at the courthouse aren't actually married? And if you believe in God, you should know that he's everywhere - if you signed the papers, I promise you he saw it. God doesn't actually live inside churches, you know.It's a tough choice to have to make, and hopefully if you're honest with your family and friends, they'll understand. I think you deserve to celebrate getting married in some way. But whatever you do, you need to be honest with your family and friends. People always find out about these things, so better they hear it from you beforehand. If you decide to do something after your fiance returns (and I think you should if you don't wait for a true wedding to get married), enjoy it for what it is - a vow renewal or anniversary celebration... not a wedding.

pigeonol · November 2009

Hello,I hope all the ideas have helped you this far. I am a pre- air force wife. In my opinion if i was asked to do this i would wait. Mostly because i don't think i would enjoy getting married and then having him leave- it is nice to have those butterflies while you are planning while he is away. Keeps you connected and it might just not be as fun and exciting if you are already married. However i see the other point- but whats one more year? All in all though it has to be decided between you and him. Don't send him off upset if its all he wants and you can kidn of swing either way go for it. Maybe get married and only tell your parents so that the reception you plan will still be news to everyone. You can jsut say you wanted a small wedding and a big reception- no biggy. Good luck! and more good luck for the time he is gone!!

prttypancake · November 2009

I think that whatever the JOP marriage means to you is what it means. No one else can tell you and your FI what your marriage means. My boyfriend and I are in a similar situation and have discussed the possibility of getting married on paper before we really get married. To us, it would just be a piece of paper. I wouldn't change my name or really consider us married until we had our big ceremony in a Church with all of our loved ones there to witness it. On the issue of letting family/friends/guests know, I would just tell them. Most likely, your family and friends would be understanding if you let them know why you are choosing to make this decision. Being in love with a servicemember comes with extra hardships and fustrations, and most people understand that that's the case. As long as you are open and honest about what you are doing, no one should have a problem with it or take offense. Those who love the two of you will still love you, whether you are married on paper or not.

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