Pre-wedding Parties

Rehearsal/Shower Q's

Ok, when my FI and I got engaged, that very night, my FMIL told my FI they would not be able to afford to give us a rehearsal dinner. We were completely fine with that. We know that they aren't rolling in money and we aren't the type of people that will let someone go into debt just because we want something better than what they can give us. We've been engaged for over a year and everything has been going well, except for a few things. First off the rehearsal, with the FIL's saying they can't afford to throw us a nice dinner we have considered several other options, pizza and wings, a BBQ and other low scale things. My grandmother has offered to throw the rehearsal for us. She is a HUGE part of my life and she feels left out because we won't let her pay for anything. She says she's 89 and her money is better spent while she's here so she can see us enjoy it. Anyway, I was fine with that and so was my FI, until we told his parents. His mother became very defensive saying that it is their job. She tried several guilt trips until we said forget it. So, how do I deal with this? Does she have a right to be angry that someone else has the money that they don't? Now to add to it, she is taking a trip out west for her 2nd cousins bday party, and I kind of have a hard time feeling guilty that they can't afford the rehearsal but they can afford that? I understand that everyone's life can't revolve around the wedding, and that is the LEAST of what I'm asking. I just don't want to be made the bad guy if someone else throws us the rehearsal dinner.Next the shower, there have been situations in the past with my FI's family where people get angry if not everyone is invited. My FMIL is the oldest of 11 who all live in the same town that we live in. I have met some of them only once or twice and a couple of them, never at all. Is it acceptable to not invite them to a shower that my MOH is throwing?

Re: Rehearsal/Shower Q's

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Regarding the rehearsal, FMIL has every right to be upset.  She said she was hosting it, FI and you agreed to that and then you went to her and the message was essentially, "Someone with more money than you will throw a better event than you were planning so we're going with them."  You have to imagine the hurt that this woman is dealing with right now.That she goes on a trip isn't something that you can fret about.  FWIW, a trip can often be much less than a RD depending on the travel and it's never your call how others spend their money.It seems that you two did have good intentions here but they were lost in how the message was delivered.  If I were your FI, I'd apologize profusely to his mother on behalf of both of you and I'd see what can be done to fix the situation.Regarding the shower, stay out of the planning.  Let MOH handle the guests and the guest list.  If MOH can host everyone then great.  If not, SHE has to say, "Oh Butkus's MIL,  unfortunately my budget is X so I can only invite so many people from your side."    If FMIL isn't co-hosting then she doesn't get to dictate the guest list - however ideally MOH has a list from you to let her know who the important people are on BOTH sides.
  • edited December 2011
    I think you may have read that wrong. They are not throwing the rehearsal, but still got upset when someone else offered.
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Ack - thanks for bringing that to my attention!Then I think FI just has to say, "Mom, the offer wasn't on the table by you and we apologize if we did something to offend.  Butkus' grandmother generously offered to host the RD and finance it and we happily accepted.  I wish you told us that you were planning something but now that we accepted the offer, we hope you'll be there and we think it'll be a great time."
  • edited December 2011
    Alright, I'll drop the trip thing. I just want to make sure on the other front I'm not being crazy by being upset that she's making us feel guilty that someone is willing to throw us one.
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    It sounds like she's making you feel bad because SHE feels bad.
  • edited December 2011
    She's being ridiculous.  If she's not throwing it, she has absolutely no business butting in when someone else offers.  "FMIL, I know that in the old tradition this was something the groom's family did, but now that it's 2009, all those traditions have gone out the window.  My grandmother has gratiously offered, and we have accepted.  We look forward to seeing you there." On the shower, ask your MOH how many people she is comfortable hosting.  If she says 25, choose the closest 25.  If FMIL says anything about it, say "I understand that they are disappointed, but there was only space to host a small number of women, and we are closer to other friends and family." 
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