Texas-Dallas and Ft. Worth

Frustrated *long*

I'm so frustrated with costs and parents and crap with this wedding!Jay's parents graciously offered to pay half of the reception costs (which we were not expecting) but every so often when I talk to my mother, she occasionally mentions how extravagant this wedding is and that I'm asking for so much.The biggest problem is there are so many expectations and neither family has given me any cost guidelines!!!! Believe me, I've asked for them--I would have been fine with a much cheaper wedding. But I get mixed signals all the freakin' time!! Every time I suggest something really low cost, my parents say it would be tacky. I know I am so lucky that my parents are paying for this, but I feel like I'm caught in a rock and hard place most of the time. I didn't even have the option of having a small wedding.Jay's mom has not complained, but every so often she'll mention something like, "oh, we want to keep the rehearsal dinner costs down." So I suggested doing something casual, like iFratelli pizza someplace outdoors. Then she says she wants it to be nice, and is looking into the Gaylord or a steakhouse--WTF??!! The problem is they really have no idea what a wedding costs (they'll get a nice surprise when FSIL gets engaged someday) and they don't know how much research/planning I've put into all this--WITHOUT ANY HELP FROM THEIR SON, I might add...My mom had her own hissy fit about not having a full bar--we originally just wanted to do beer/wine, and the compromise was we would have a few signature mixed drinks. I have also had to deal with the fact that my extended family has their own ridiculous expectations and we have a 250 person guest list--which eliminated 75% of the venues in Dallas. I've worked my butt off trying to save money:--I fell in love with a $1000ish dress. Got it 20% off by waiting for the trunk show. I plan on selling it afterwards--I feel like I'd be able to bring the cost down to something I could have bought at Davids Bridal. My bridesmaids also got 15% off because I bought my dress there. Bought my own veil for $15 on ebay.--I'm doing all of the decorations and centerpieces myself. I've made a dozen trips to Hobby Lobby to get the vases and other decorative supplies 1/2 off--every single thing was 50% off. I scoured TJMaxxs all over for cheap apothecary jars.--I'm doing all the fresh flowers myself. This is going to save a ton--and it means I'll be a stressed out biatch in the few days before.--Our venue, the Old Red Courthouse was a big expense at $4000, but it means we can bring in our own alcohol and catering. At this point, it looks like we will be able to cater a full dinner for 250 people at about $3200. I drove all over Dallas last summer buying clearance wine from World Market at about $4/bottle. It was also one of the few venues that would fit our guest list.--I'm getting raw video from Adam Kegg for $400 and editing it myself--I went pretty cheap on photography, which is the most important part for me. I paid for engagement pictures myself.--Doing print-at-home invites--Free save the dates from vistaprint--Got $200 off the DJ through negotiation--Ordered our cake at $1.50/slice!!!! I drove from Flower Mound to Arlington to McKinney to downtown and home in one day to try all these different places and get the best price.--I've spend countless HOURS researching all of these places online, getting quotes, etc. Ugh--I probably sound like a spoiled princess. Maybe I am. I occasionally get a little pissed because my younger siblings are much more spoiled than I was (that's just how things go when your the youngest and mommy goes back to work...I get it) and my sister and brother are getting major help with college expenses. I worked my butt off for pretty much a full ride and they've had to contribute very little to my education.Haha, I guess I'm helping out Jay's parents bigtime too--guess who is paying for medical school! ME! And if we weren't getting married, his parents would most certainly be paying the med school tuition and his living expenses. Heck, his mom got somewhat offended when I wanted us to get our own cell phone plan. I was always of the mindset that if you cant be financially independent, you probably shouldn't be getting married.Sometimes I wish we could just elope. Weddings can suck sometimes.
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Re: Frustrated *long*

  • tnickel06tnickel06 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I sort of understand what you are going through. I am so lucky that my parents are paying for the wedding but whenever I want to save money(i.e do my own flowers) they say no because I'm not creative or it would stress me out. His mom is not really into the wedding stuff so I don't have everything that you have. But I have just learned not to tell them my ideas until I ask for the money(and this sounds really spoiled haha). Just try and not worry about it too much and next thing you know, you'll be married!
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  • edited December 2011
    Oh Marissa, you've been planning this so long and working so hard.... it's no wonder you're at your limit. All of the planning really does take a toll, and it's hard because at some level, it feels like any bride to be who complains is ungrateful.... but of course it's always more complex than just that right? It sounds like more than anything, you're feeling really unappreciated; like others aren't noticing or acknowledging the effort you've put into all of this. I'm so sorry for that. Have you talked to your FI about this? It sounds like you're handling all of the planning and really frustrated. Maybe what you need his help with more than anything is listening/supporting? Sometimes I forget to tell my FI what I need from him because he's not into/good at the planning stuff, so I just stop talking to him about it, then I feel alone in it, then I feel unappreciated/like he doesn't understand.... all when I never really gave him a chance to be there for me emotionally because I didn't let him in, ya know? As for the money issue... it's a tough one. Maybe it's time for a clear the air talk? I tried to talk to my fam about budget a few times, and my Mom wanted to start with getting quotes and then wanted to lock in a caterer before we'd discussed the whole budget, but then wanted to get quotes from florists before.... and on and on. I finally nipped it in the bud by saying something like.... Mom, I need to talk to you about the budget of the wedding, and I'm kind of scared to because I don't want to offend you, you've been so generous and helpful. The only thing is, some things are going to seem more important to you, and some things are going to seem more important to me. Because of that, I really need to know what the overall budget is so that we can talk about where to save and where to spend in ways that we both feel good about. It's just really hard for me to spend your money without a clear bottom line because right now I just don't know what my limits/boundaries are. I'm so worried you'll take this as me being ungrateful or asking for more, but my reason for wanting guidance is so that I can respect and honor your financial limits. Okay, that's my two cents. Hey, hang in there... we all have our moments. That's what venting is for. PS I'm in DFW too. Drop me a line sometime.
  • edited December 2011
    that's just how things go when your the youngest and mommy goes back to work...I get itI should clarify that I'm not the youngest, I'm the oldest. Although, that whole part is more of an unrelated vent anyway :)
    Click Here for Bio Image and video hosting by TinyPic Married June 12, 2010!
  • edited December 2011
    I am so sorry Marissa!  You have done so much research for your wedding, and I agree with you, some people just don't know what weddings cost these days.  My brother is shocked every time I mention the cost of something for the wedding.I hope that you have a chance to sit down with your parents, and Jay and his parents to work things out.Hang in there, I know your big day is going to be wonderful!
  • fallbride1109fallbride1109 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with PP.  It's time for a heart to heart with the parents, and your FI must be a part of it.  You cannot go forward without a budget, nor should you have to.  You are exactly right when you say the problem is they have no idea of the costs.I would take this post and use it as your guide.  Show them, this is what I have done, this is what I am saving, etc. and then also tell them, we have these vendors/costs left, this is what I see the budget looking like, etc.  This way everyone is on the same page.Also I would advise not taking on much more yourself.  DIY flowers and invites are huge stresses.  There are so many little details too that come up--make sure you include every little rose petal, etc. in your budget so that it's all there in the end.Good luck!
  • pphqt10pphqt10 member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry you are going through this. I have the same feelings as you, My parents have NO idea how much a wedding costs, they have certain expectations (full bar, full meal, huge party) but don't want the high cost and FI has never attended a wedding more or less planned one and is an only child so his parents are just as clueless.  It does get hard, I feel like there are two ends of the spectrum, either budget or all out. I know that is not the truth but sometimes that is how it feels
  • DonnaariesDonnaaries member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry Marissa you're feeling stressed out :( I agree that you should at least talk to your FI and your mom about exactly what you've written above. How much you've done to cut back costs. And that it would be helpful for each contributing party to give you a final bottom line dollar amount to work with. Remember, it is YOUR wedding. Without pulling a bridezilla or anything, but everyone needs to remember that you're the one doing all the work therefore your opinion should come first.
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  • juliebug1997juliebug1997 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Marissa, I'm sorry that the parents are being less than helpful.  Jay too for that matter.  I would follow Stephanie's advice and have a sit down with them soon--Thanksgiving at the latest.  These are important matters and it can eventually lead to animosity and resentment (trust me--I know) from both parties.  I was practically begging to elope by March.  And I'm not the type above subtle threats:  "We could always elope if you guys think it's too much; those resorts in Mexico or the Carribean provide lots of things for weddings."Also, don't forget that you're getting married a month or so after graduation--both stressful events.  I echo Stephanie's sentiment about the DIY in that you shouldn't take on too much.  You're also going to be moving your stuff home from OU, etc.I know everything will work out and just remember that, at the end of the day, you and Jay will still be married. 
  • appletango85appletango85 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    *hug*Everyone has given wonderful advice and I agree with them. Hope you can get things worked out quickly!
  • maykiousmaykious member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ditto apple.  I don't have anything else to add to the advice other than we're here for you and hope that the vent helped you feel a little better.  I hope you do use Stephie's advice and take your post to your parents and show them what all you have done to save money.  Bring comparisons, if you have to.  I know people who have spent tons of money on weddings that have turned out to be total crap.  You're going to have a beautiful wedding and will have saved a ton of money.  Good luck.
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  • almoyoalmoyo member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You know, what?I feel ya. I was totally feeling similarly during planning. I also didn't have a budget. My parents were paying for it, and wanted it to be "reasonable" with no real guidelines on what "reasonable" meant. It's so stressful that way, because you do tons of extra research to make it the most "reasonable" you can, but you're the only one who knows all of the work you put into the damn thing.
  • edited December 2011
    Thank goodness--you guys "get it"It's not soo bad, I just needed to vent. I'm just feeling overworked and underappreciated lately and it's turning me into a bitter biatch--which makes me feel even worse!
    Click Here for Bio Image and video hosting by TinyPic Married June 12, 2010!
  • callie_knotcallie_knot member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Marissa:Good grief. If there is a thriftier bride ANYwhere on this planet than you I want to see her! You constantly amaze me at your resourcefulness and ability to cut corners and come up with ways to save money. Heck you should have a Thrifty Bride blog or something.I don't blame you for being upset. I think the issue is that you have been doing all the work. They haven't. So they don't see or know how much things cost. I know when we started everything my mom was thinking about how much stuff cost 28 years ago - not now. She called me out on a few things until I invited her to go with me and help shop. Then she got it. That doesn't mean that she and my dad can pay for it or even help much but she understands now.Maybe you should put all this into a spreadsheet and invite some "help" or assign them some problems to solve. RD for example. Turn it over to his mom and let her figure it out herself. She'll probably come back begging for help. Maybe in the spreadsheet you can put hte "usual" cost and the savings that you got so you can show them what you've done to cut costs. You deserve a pat on the back not the stress you're getting.
  • edited December 2011
    Marissa,I am right there with you.  We had no set budget originally, but now that we are having to reschedule everything and are losing our deposits/payments on everything, it's increasingly more complicated.  My dad lost his job 2 weeks ago, and his parents are not offering to front the extra money for the mistake he made.  So basically what was already a tight budget just became an even tighter one.  I am ready to call it quits.  I am pretty much not able to handle the stress anymore.  So.  Just wanted to tell you I understand and empathize and *hug*.
  • edited December 2011
    Thanks--I appreciate the support! I have done it all myself, but the flip side of that is I got to make the majority of the decisions. I just feel guilty about how much this is costing, and I need to communicate better with the in-laws. I hate talking money with them, though--I feel like that should be Jay's job. But he doesn't even like to talk to his parents about money (not that they are stingy or mean or anything)On the bright side, I talked with Jay, and he agreed to step up--so yay!
    Click Here for Bio Image and video hosting by TinyPic Married June 12, 2010!
  • edited December 2011
    Oh Marissa, that's great. I'm so glad you talked to Jay and he 'got it' :) . Good for you. Hang in there girl.
  • edited December 2011
    Hi Marissa- I totally get it too. It's soo stressful. I agree with Stephie about not trying to take on any mor eDIY and such yourself. I am super organzied and it all piled up on me because everyone around me was a wedding distraction or drama and I am really drama free. I spent the 10 days before the weddingd dealing with my trying-to-be0helpful family who came to town and spent time insulation my garage and spendf9ng money on my credit cards for stuff I didn't need instead of giving me time and support to finish DIY! I am 37 and DH and I paid for pretty much everything except some of the rehearsal dinner his family did pay for and my mom bought my dr4ewss. I wish that one peice (the din ner) we jsus paid for because that was the worst. They wanted to pay and host but then didn't want to pay for the drinks, then DH said don't worry they would and then they only paid part of it and we didn't know and the waiter ran after us to pay the rest of the bill as we were leaving- talk about embarrassing! Plus I had to do all the planning for the rehearsal too . So, I totally hear you on when other people's money and opinions are involved -it's a mess. Funny thing is, we paid for all of the wedding and everyone still had an opinion and when I would say something like it's my wedding and my money, I was suddenly bridezilla. So, I understand- and you can't win, you can just try to balance it out. Vent away here- it will make you feel better to vent and then you can be a little less stressed to deal with the issues. So glad Jay agreed to help.
  • edited December 2011
    Ouch! That sounds like it was a pain in the butt! On the bright side, I have two very "crafty" sisters who are going to help me with flowers, etc. plus the rest of my bridesmaids.
    Click Here for Bio Image and video hosting by TinyPic Married June 12, 2010!
  • edited December 2011
    haha...dang Marissa! That was quite a post. :) We will definitely be talking next week when I'm in town. You are amazing with all your research and diy stuff. I sometimes wish I was still getting married in the Dallas area just because of all the helpful information you could send me! ;)
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