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New York-Upstate

curious

I was just told to stick to my local boards if I didnt want people to rude and nasty towards me.... why are there expectations in a community about budget weddings that you can be nasty to one another?  Just because they all arent from Upstate NY like I am some how makes it ok to be called names??

Anyone else run into this? Is it just me and I have some how really made people mad by asking a question?

I thought this site was supposed to be supportive and helpful all around not just when Im talking to people from Upstate NY.

Re: curious

  • edited December 2011
    EMF9903 - I think you are talking about your post on favors.... I think that overall, no one was incredibly snarky to you, they were just giving you their opinions on the issue of announcing that you gave money to charity instead of favors...
     
    As for telling you to stick to local/club boards as opposed to posting nationally, is that people tend to "get to know you" better on a local/club level, and you know them better, so perhaps you wont find their posts so critical or attakcing.

    FWIW - I think that if you donate money in lieu of favors you should NOT advertise it to your guests....favors are not necessary to a wedding, and quite frankly, $300 or even $450 ($3 per person) - is not that much to donate to a charity to make a guest feel special. I would just donate the money instead of favors, get your tax credit and leave it at that... I donated $100 to NPR this year in March, and I had 100 guests at my wedding in May , but that doesnt mean I did it for them? you know?

    Im totally not trying to be snarky here, just giving an opinion in a flame free location!
  • edited December 2011
    You actually answered my question exactly as I hoped... I was worried about making a donation and it not being a huge amount and then telling people we donated.  Thats why I was asking for advice on amounts.  I never said I wanted to announce it just wanted to know what an acceptable amount was, and I actually like your answer the best. thanks.

    I guess I just dont take well to people criticizing me over something I never said and then repeated several times that I was being judged on something I never said.
    Thankyou
  • emillee21emillee21 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think those ladies were rude but some people just dont care and I plan on making a donation at my wedding in honor of my grandma b/c she passed away a few years ago and I plan on telling people that I did it, I don't see anything wrong with that!
  • carpentabcarpentab member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think those people were straight up rude and obnoxious. Being on a 'national' board doesn't give you the right to be an ass. What happened to being a decent person?  I am quite certain that none of them are etiquette professionals and even more certain that none of them have much sophistication, in general. Don't worry about their comments. DO what makes you happy. It's your wedding day...don't let a bunch of jerks upset you.


  • edited December 2011
    I had a similar feeling... disagreeing is one thing even though I never said I was going to put place cards out, I may or I may not, but some of the people just took it to a knew level.  I really appreciated what prncs said a few posts up here because she not only answered my question but was able to tactfully give her opinion without calling names.

    I was curious as to what made all of those people wedding experts as one of the posters had stated.  I know that if I spoke to an actual wedding planner or "expert" they wouldnt call me names but perhaps be a bit tactful in explaining their side.  Dont get me wrong some people were nice, in fact the vast majority really werent overtly rude but several "ladies" I say that lightly, were quite childish.
  • edited December 2011
    its easy for them to be snarky because they hide behind a computer screen!!! Not that it makes them right... but i think they feel like they hold some power over others with their comments....
  • bedheadgurlbedheadgurl member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    i read that entire thread and people got focused on a completely different topic that you had originally asked.  IMHO those are the folks that obviously are looking to be snarky.  they didn't even take the time to read it through but rather jump on the bandwagon of bringing you down.
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  • bedheadgurlbedheadgurl member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    oops ... forgot to mention.

    FI and I are doing donations as well as a small favor.  We are explaining what the donation is about because it could benefit their children as well if they wanted to take part in it at a later date.
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  • edited December 2011
    another good idea thanks bed head. 

    And my fiance said the same thing about the hiding behind a computer screen and attempting to make others miserable.  I obviously allowed this to get under my skin more than i should have.  This is the internet and you never know who or whats out there trying to make them selves feel good. 

    I was frustrated that the whole thing lost focus and I was more or less told to go away because I felt that we should act like adults about to get married.
  • edited December 2011
    bed head what is your charity that deals with children?? curious :)
  • pandasquishypandasquishy member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I found your post - it had a lot of responses and I didn't read them all so I can't say if they were unnecessarily snarky or anything, but donations as favors is a controversial topic so people will speak their minds on it.

    As for your original question, I think your donation should be what you can afford, it doesn't really matter the amount because you won't be announcing the amount to your guests.  

    And I don't think the donation should be announced in any way as it being a favor to your guest.  A favor is something for a guest, which your donation is not.  Your donation does not benefit your guests in any way.  You're the one getting the tax write off since it will be in your name, so it doesn't benefit them.  Favors aren't necessary, so you really don't need to mention it at all.  But I think you said you weren't going to announce it in any way, so that's good.

    I hope you don't find my response snarky.  Most of the brides on the national boards are really just trying to help you, but they get the same questions over and over sometimes I think it seems like people aren't listening so they stop sugar coating it.  You haven't made them mad, I assure you.
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  • bedheadgurlbedheadgurl member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    to be honest - i never even thought about a tax deduction for the donations.  will have to keep that in mind now.

    we are getting married at the saratoga auto musuem and a lot of school field trips got canceled to them because of budget cuts, gas expenses etc.  we are going to sponsor a field trip to the museum itself (whether it is younger kids or a Boces class we are not sure yet).  we want to get the word back out there that they are accepting donations to get field trips back in place.
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  • edited December 2011
    very cool! That would be a really great field trip for a BOCES class!  I think its sad kids arent going on field trips anymore... between funding and alot of teachers and administration being concerned about behavior problems (alot of which is valid from my experience working in schools) the kids that deserve it and the ones that need to get out and see different things and learn through experiences arent getting the chance anymore... I hope you are able to do exactly what you want!  Good Luck

     Yeah I never thought of a tax deduction either when I decided to make a donation.  I typically dont make donations so that I can get money back (OK I never make donations to get money back at taxes) but hey I guess I will keep it in the back of my mind now.
  • edited December 2011
    emf- i feel like there are a lot of snarky people all over this site. I was SOO into getting advice & chatting & meeting people but to be honest, you never know who's going to respond rudely...so I don't post much. I have enough nasty people in real life to deal with...so I don't even bother :) not sure which postings you were referring to...but I hate that you had a bad experience!!! Happy planning & remember...you're getting MARRIED! Happy Friday.
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