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Wedding Etiquette Forum

kids in the wedding, but not at the wedding???

Hi,My FMOL was talking to my fh today.  She mentioned all the friends that she wants to invite to the wedding.  He pointed out that the chapel is too small to get all of the people who mean something to us and all of her old friends into.  She then asked if we really knew that many people.  He pointed out that many of them have kids and she asked that we request to our guests to make this an adult only service.  I know that happens, but I have kids from ages 2-14 in my wedding: Jr. Bridesmaid, 2 candle lighters, flower girl, ring barrer...if these kids are allowed to come, how can I ask that others leave their children at home??  Espeically since most are coming out of town, and have very young children (as in one was born two days ago)...Can we just tell his mom we have to allow kids and she can't invite all the couples she wants to catch up with? She has seen the chapel, and how small it is.  I have already included the pastor and other key people (piano player and mutual friends) in my 60 people so he can get as many guests as he can think of (and allow for his mom) in his 60 (the chapel only holds 120 at maximum capacity so that includes us).  I am a very child oriented person, I am a teacher, a clown, a social worker with youth.  The kids in my family mean to much too me to exclude them...plus they all already know they are in the wedding.  It would not be my special day without being surrounded by all of my loved ones...including the kids.  How do we let mom know that she can't invite all of her old cronies so she has someone to sit with at the reception?  Thanks so much for all your help.

Re: kids in the wedding, but not at the wedding???

  • 1) The kids need to be invited to both the ceremony and reception2) How does your FI feel about kids at the weddding.  If you are both on the same page see #33) Assuming that FI has included family in his 60 guests, your FMIL will know people at the reception. She doesn't need to bring a posse.4) If she truly want to celebrate her sons wedding with these additional friends, suggest she hosts a casual BBQ or some such after the wedding, when you return from your honeymoon.
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  • All valid points, Thanks! The FMIL also lives out of town (she is in Boise and we are in Portland) so hosting something after we get back is not really an option.  About half of the kids in the ceremony are from his side...best man's son, god daughter...etc... so he is fine with the kids...plus that kid who was just born two days ago is the daughter of a groomsman who lives in Pheonix, and his wife is baking the cake, so they can't really leave their 6 month old at home...I am even thinking of setting up a wii station at the reception for the kdis.  I know they have to be at both...I overall know more kids than he does, and they are included in my 60...His 60 are up to him, so I guess she will just have to deal with it.  That sounds horrible!  I already told him that he needs to give his mom 2-4 people (two couples) that she can invite, but the rest is up to him.  I just hope she listens...  Thank you!
  • I think you should do what you want and if having kids at the ceremony and reception is that then go with it. We had 4 kids in our ceremony. But we had an adults only reception.  We also set up a babysitter at the hotel where our guests were staying so people could still bring their kids and come to the wedding.
  • The wedding should include the people that are important to you and your FI, not your FMIL.  As long as you and FI are on the same page, simply tell her that she is free to invite whatever 60 people she would like, but her numbers will not change.This is a wedding, not a reunion.
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  • if fmil is contributing, she does get a say.  if not, too bad for her.also...ring barrer?  come on, that's not even close.
  • sorry, ring bearer...I was awake all night.  No she is not contributing to the wedding.
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