I need help....

jessica_and_james · October 2009

I just got enaged and I am 17, he is 19. We are planning on getting married in July(I will be 18 by then). Well whole family is totally okay with it and most of his are. But his dad and step mother does not like the idea. So they are trying to get him to call it off. Anyway does anybody have ideas on how I should handle this?

laurenclaire1386 · October 2009

I know that you don't want to hear this, but getting married at 17 is very rarely a good idea. Another thing you probably don't want to hear is that his parents probably aren't as full of bologna as you think they are. You should wait to get married, IMO. There's so much growing up to do between 17 and 20. And then even more between 20 and 23. Seriously. If he's the one, he'll still be the one in a few years. Really. I can't stress this enough. Please wait.

mwhitson14 · October 2009

Ditto lauren.There is absolutely no reason to get married so young, you both are going to change soooo much in the next 4 years. I mean, I'm still young, at 23, but FI and I have done our growing up and we're both settled and ready for marriage.You both need to go to college, experience life, live on your own. You could end up growing completely apart, because of how much you change.FI and I have been together for 5 years, so I've been where you are (not engaged, but anyway). I know you're itching to get married. But we changed a lot in the past five years, and we're extremely lucky to have grown and changed in the same direction.As for handling his dad and stepmother, there's not much you can do.

nefariousmango · October 2009

I agree with the other two posts: If you want to spend the rest of your lives together, then start doing so. You do not need a wedding license to love and cherish and support one another, so what's the rush? Unless your religion or family prevents it, why don't you start with living together next summer? It's a big, stressful change to live on your own for the first time, but not as stressful as marriage and certainly not as permanent. Also, think long and hard about finances. Not very romantic, but I'd bet anything that money troubles break up more couples than love troubles do. Are you both living on your own, working full time, and paying for everything (cell phone, utilities, rent, groceries)? If not, why not? What would it take for you to be fully independent from your families? Do you have health insurance of your own, or are you covered under your family's plan? If you're covered by your family now, that will end when you get married and health insurance is extremely expensive if you can't get it through work. What are your plans for the future? Are you going to college, and, if so, who's paying? Seriously, life is more expensive then you can even fathom until you've had to pay for it! I've been with my FI for over 4 years, we met when we were 19 and we have both changed SO MUCH, I didn't even know it was possible to do so and be the same person, but you really do a lot of growing between 17 and 23! We grew together, but a lot of people we know did grow apart. It was love at first sight, we've known since the third date that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, but I am so, so, so glad that we waited to get married for as long as we have! Taking it slowly turned out to be really nice, and in retrospect gave us both a chance to develop our own lives :-)

Simply Fated · October 2009

I think you should talk to them.. why is it that they want him to call it off? Assuming it's your age, since you wouldn't have mentioned your age if age wasn't the issue, then... you need to be ready to answer these questions, should his dad and step-mom ask themAre you financially capable of supporting yourselves? What are you plans, if any, for further education?What are your career options? Are your jobs stable enough in this economy? And, if not, will you have enough money saved up in case one of you is laid off? Do you have proper health insurance? These are questions, along with many more, I'm guessing his dad and stepmom have... and questions you need to be ready to answer. Are you ready to answer them?

BubbleJ · October 2009

They probably think you are too young, which is their right. I would talk to them, and show them that you are ready for this commitment and that you will be able to support yourselves.

agirlcalledchuck · October 2009

i can remember being your age - being so young and so incredibly in love with someone and feeling completely impulsive and like you can take on the world - and i get how you feel - when you meet the person you want to spend "the rest of your life" with, you want "the rest of your life" to start as quickly as possible... that being said - now that i'm 27 and i've lived a little, i realize that i have learned so much in the last decade, and that i've grown so much as an individual and that honestly, i don't even know the person that i was at 17..... i had no idea where i was going in life (but boy, i sure THOUGHT i did) what i wanted, or even where i wanted to be..... I think the people objecting to the marriage are doing so out of love and concern - i'm sure the two of you love each other very, very much, but i can't even express to you how much people truly do change in their 20's - i'm not saying that you won't end up together, or that if you DID get married now that it wouldn't work out, but i think perhaps just continuing on the path you're on just being a couple (or even just as engaged) and growing together and experiencing life without the pressures of being incredibly young and married will be good for you - i haven't been married yet, but i know that its not in any way, shape or form easy, and it's a full time job for both parties involved - i have friends that got married at 19 or 20 and are now realizing that while they still love their husbands, they might have jumped the gun a little on getting married - they never got to live on their own, or finish college, or do so many things that they have watched the rest of us do the last few years - my grandparents met when they were in the 8th grade, and according to both of them, they ALWAYS knew they were destined for each other, but they grew up, went off to college, dated other people, lived a little and then ended up marrying in their mid-20's - they were together over 50 years, and they both stand by their decisions to wait til they were older and had lived before saying "I do" - they dont look back on it as "look at all the years we missed out on together" but rather as an experience that let them both find out the people that they were meant to grow into, and so they were able to enter their marriage without any resentment or worry or feelings of "what could have been" i know you look at your fiance and you see the love of your life and can't imagine how there is any other solution or choice BUT to marry this person - i feel that way every single day that i'm with MY fiance, but as everyone as said before, take some more time - you are both SO incredibly young, and if you are meant to be together forever, then a few years isn't long to wait to get married

ScissortailFlycatcher · October 2009

I wanted to say that I agree with the other girls that posted. You will change very much in the next 5 years, even in the next year when you start or continue college. But I do want to add that you will also change when your 25-30, so the reason that you will change is not the best reason to wait.I agree with the post that said to experience life, together and apart. Get an apartment together. My boyfriend and I met when we were 16, and can not wait to get married. But, we want to be more settled, and I want to finish my degree. I am in your place, we are just 20 now. But, we have lived apart and together, both away from our families and support. It's important for you to connect with him outside both of your comfort zones and learn to support eachother.I will only say to wait because, there is no hurry, if you love eachother then it doesn't matter if you have a marriage liscense IMO.Good luck, my boyfriend's parents didn't like me either when we started dating (4 years ago) but it's great now! In my case, I think they finally realized that we are serious. : )

jessica_and_james · October 2009

Well to start with thinks for your in-put. it made me think a lot. I realize we are both young but we both have jobs, he is military and i waitress and go to school. So money not a problem right now. I realize that could change but he pays for all his stuff on his on, I pay for must of mine (my car, insurence, phone, stuff like that) But my parents still like support me with lights, food, ect. We both plan on going to college and all, but we not going to live with each before we get married. In my family that is consider wrong. I guess most of the reason we are "rushing into it" is because of him being in the army, he is gone a lot. We have been together a while now and I have seen him once in four months. Honestly I can't wait to marry him, we may be young but we have went through a lot. Anyway thanks for your help, I will have to let him read these when he comes home for Christmas.

coleandalexia2010 · November 2009

All I can say is I am SO glad I didn't marry the guy I was with when I was 17. I was in love and thought he was the one, but I was so mistaken as soon as I graduated high school and started college. I realized a lot about myself when I grew up a little. Not saying your fiance isn't the One, but I wouldn't rush into marriage. Being married won't change the fact that he will be gone all the time, you being home & working or anything else, really.

nefariousmango · November 2009

As much as I am SO glad I didn't marry the guy I loved when I was 17, my Gram and my aunt both married young and stayed happily married. My Gram was 17 when Grampa started proposing, but as she tells it he only wanted to get married so quickly because otherwise they couldn't have sex, lol! They got married after he proposed nearly two dozen times- when she was 19. He was in the Navy, and she went to college while he was deployed, and they got married when he was back and she was a college senior. They were married for almost 60 years and would have been for forever but cancer got in the way.My aunt got married when she was 18 to a guy she started dating when she was 16. They're still together, I think 45 years as of this spring! On a depressing, horrible, very bad note:As someone with PTSD, I would really, really recommend you take your time and see how things change after he's deployed. Hopefully nothing bad happens and he returns to you the same person he is now. I was a completely different person for several years after my accident... I'd never been angry, but boy did I suddenly have a violent, unpredictable temper! It went away, but it took 4 years of intense treatment and it definitely took a toil on my family/ housemates/ fiancee. I'm not suggesting that it'll change your love for him, but it may be easier for both of you if you still live separately (notice how this is different from my previous suggestion!). I wish the armed forces were taking this more seriously- a lot of people are in denial of how many soldiers are returning home with PTSD, head trauma, etc.

lilcassers · November 2009

Jessica, I think it's totally awesome that you have found your love--- however, I am going to put a damper on this one. I am 23 now, and looking back, I was SO different at 20.. AND a whole other person at 17. The college experience is amazing, and I wouldn't trade that for the world. I think if you are truely right for each other, you will be in love in a few years and then still be ready to get married. My FI and I have been together since we were both 18 and we just became ready to get engaged. There are so many important things at your age before being married-- like paying for college & still having that fun girl time without worrying about taking care of a house and what not. The average age of a wedding is 27, and although you are not a child, you are still an adolescent and have so much growing to do. Plus, how are you affording this? If it be being paid for, thats awesome but I still they you should wait.. or be engaged, but have a 2-3 year engagement. There is nothing wrong with that.

I need help....

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