Kids or no kids?

jlmehrmann · November 2009

My FI and I decided that we wanted an adult only ceremony and reception. The only thing is that he thinks he wants his nephew to be an usher (who will be 15 at the time of the wedding). We had originally thought his 3 yr old neice could be the flower girl, but that stirred up controversy with my mom who didn't understand why we didn't want other children to be invited, nor that I wanted my little cousin to be the ring barer. After much controversy, we decided on no kids (well no little kids) that is because I think my FI still wants his nephew to be part of the ceremony. We're having an evening wedding and do not want to be in the middle of saying our vows only to have a child cry or have a temper tantrum. And with the reception being late, children tend to become tired and fussy. In addition, I want the attention to me on me this day (it is after all the one day in my life I can ask for this right?) Just last week we found out my grandmother is sick and will be undergoing kemo and radiation over the next several months. My BM's and I went out to look at BM dresses last weekend, and my mon and grandmother came as well. In front of a ton of people, my mother told me kids needed to be invited to the wedding since we don't know if it will be the last time the whole family gets together while my grandmother is still around. (Just FYI- my wedding is still 10 months away, and my grandmother was just diagnosed last week- so no one knows what her condition will be in a few months none the less at the time of my wedding). I became upset because I felt like my mother was not taking in to consideration what my FI and I want, and the pressure she was putting on me was huge. Why does my wedding day need to become a sad family event? If my grandmother is sick we can arrange a big family get toether before or after my wedding, but I think my wedding day should be about me and my FI and a happy day, not thinking about how it may be our last family gathering while she is still around. Am I wrong? Regardless, she went to my father and complained so now he wants to meet me over the weekend, just the two of us to discuss some things, and I know this will come up. Don't get me wrong, my parents are fronting the cost for the wedding, and I am completely grateful for that, however I don't feel that my wedding needs to trun in to a family reunion to say our last goodbye's to my grnadmother. I'm stressing out wondering what the right thing to do is here, so any suggestions you have I would apprechiate it.Thanks.

goheels05 · November 2009

Wow. Your mom really crossed the line there. It sounds like she's trying to use her mother's illness as a means to get her way.While I agree that it's you and your FI's wedding and it should be up to you whether to invite kids, when someone else pays, that changes the game a bit. Under normal circumstances, I would say that it's ridiculous to imply that you HAVE to invite kids because it might be the last time the whole family is together. If that's such a concern, have a family reunion. But because your parents are paying for the wedding, they do get to have a say in the guest list.I wanted an adult-only wedding, too, for some of the reasons you mentioned (kids screaming during the ceremony, paying $35 a head for small children who probably won't eat anything anyway, etc). But that's not how they do things in my husband's family. And so I was willing to compromise, and we included everyone's children. Now, when I walked down that aisle, all I could see was my husband there waiting for me. During that whole ceremony, he was the only thing that mattered--a tornado could have ripped through the sanctuary and I would have just been standing there all starry-eyed. After the ceremony, we were in the church offices waiting to sign our marriage license, and we saw one of our guests in the hall walking around with her baby. She said that she had started to fuss and she didn't want to "ruin" the ceremony, so they just waited out in the hall. I had no idea. I never heard her baby cry.

mrs*macklin · November 2009

My FI and i decided on no kids as well, mostly for the exact same reason as you - no crying during the ceremony! We also have about 25 kids in our family/friends and since we're paying for the wedding ourselves, we just couldn't see paying hundreds of dollars for them to eat half a plate and be all over the place. We said no children 14 and under because that elimated most of the kids and my sister who is my MOH is 15, so we couldn't take her out.FI and I were just talking last night about how our wedding is not a family reunion - we already have those 2 times a year! Yes, it is a time for family to come and celebrate with you, but that doesn't mean you need to invite every single last person so that they can reunite and catch up. It's your special day!I'm in a little different situation, since FI and I are paying, so we have more say of who comes and doesn't come. I would suggest to your mom exactly what you said - have a big family reunion at a different time. Maybe even within the next 2 months so that she has her "way" with getting everyone together and it's over and done with so it doesn't create controversy for the wedding.

Lakerchic7272 · November 2009

For us kid vs no kids was easy because we knew alot of people we want there couldn't come if their kids couldn't so we are having them. But we are having an earlier wedding.Since your mom is fronting the bill. Maybe you could compromise with her. She wants the kids there and you want no fussing. So perhaps if she was willing to pay for a couple babysitters to watch and play with kids during the ceremony and reception, then life would be good. Have a few specific tables for the kids and babysitters with activities and such.Instead of offering the babysitter on invites you could have an rsvp for the adults and an rsvp for the children for the babysitters. Sounds like a good compromise HTH

ffmaid · November 2009

One compromize idea is neices and nephews only but no other kids. That makes a clear line which is nice. Also if your folks are paying they have every right to insist on including children . You give up a lot of say when you accepttheir money

goheels05 · November 2009

Lakerchick, that's an awesome compromise. I really like that idea.

kbsmom1 · November 2009

KB decided on no kids also after we had attented a wedding where about 20 kids took over the dance floor.....eventually no one danced and lots of early leaving along with we just felt like an evening event.......8:00 til 1:00 wasn;t meant for children........FILs were very upset as there were 30 plus children that had always gone to weddings.......mine you these kids didnt even have a relationship with the bride and groom..and the extra cost played in also She just stood her ground......had a 9 years old ring bearer and i nursing baby( her MOH)....everyone dealt.... I just dont understand why some parents fell their children should be invited to an adult event. as far as last goodbyes for grandmother....I think if and theres a BIG if.....she could be perfectly ok in 10 months or manageing her cancer very well.....its terrible to make your joyous occassion some sort of last goodbye.......surely if the worst is coming there can be family times planned for visits

aerinpegadrak · November 2009

I'm with Heels. Your mom definitely isn't handling it very well, but unfortunately she does get a say if she's paying. You need to sit down with her and let her know all your reasons for not wanting children there (and that you don't appreciate her trying to turn your wedding into a funeral for your still very much alive grandmother), and that you feel really hurt that she isn't taking your feelings into consideration.If she still insists and you really, really don't want children there, then refuse her money and pay for it yourself.

jlmehrmann · November 2009

Thank you everyone for your assistance with this. This whole thing is just eating me up inside because I don't want to be the bitchy bride who refuses to let kids come, and then ignores the wishes of my sick grandmother. But then again I know my FI (even though he's not admitting or showing it) still really would love to include his nieces and nephews. But you're all right when you mention my parents are the ones paying and they have the final say. I don't want to become bridezilla over this whole thing, i really don't. And hearing what you all thought about my situation let's me know I'm not being selfish in asking not o include kids, and not to allow my special day to be about my grandmother.Personaly, I would think parents would enjoy a nice evening out without their children by their side. Thanks All!

megk8oz · November 2009

"Whoever pays, gets the say". Unfortunately, if your mom is paying, she can make this decision, no matter how unfair it seems to you (From her perspective: who are you to tell her how to spend her money?). You might be able to work out some type of compromise, like only inviting first cousins or something. I personally don't think weddings are really great places for kids: unattended alcohol, breakable things, the late hours ... how is this child friendly again? That being said, I'm having an "limited kids reception" (Nobody farther our than a 1st cousin is being invited), and anybody who's kid that did not "make the cut" understood the choice we made (Though, FI and I ARE footing the bill, and both of our families feel the same way I do about kids at weddings). But again, if it's your mom's money, she gets to decide how she spends it. The only way to be 100% entitled to what you want on the matter is for you and your FI to foot the bill.

ffmaid · November 2009

"But then again I know my FI (even though he's not admitting or showing it) still really would love to include his nieces and nephews. " This means that at least neices and nephews shoudl be included because it is as much his day as yours.

kaynix21 · November 2009

We've been having trouble with the kids or no kids issue as well.Our venue only holds 120, whihc our families EASILY take up. We're doing no kids under the age of 12, because I am really close to my cousins children, 2nd cousins, who will be like 17, 14, and 11 at the wedding (I'm making an exception for the 11 year old).However, in your instance, your mom is out of line. Even though they are fronting the cost, you do have the final say. It's what you and FI ultimately decide.Mayeb just talk to your dad this weekend and calmly/rational, with good reasons, explain to him why you don't want kids. Make a cut off, at say 15, for example. Or 16...and just make an exception for that cousin....We're not having a flower girl, because we don't have a cousin quite old enough for that...but if we did, we still wouldn't have one because of the whole kid thing...it's hard to justify that part, IMO.

SarahPLiz · November 2009

I think if your mom is paying, then she gets a say.I do not think that the emphasis should be on your grandmother, but I see no problem with having family member reunite with each other at your wedding, My family is spread out all over the country and we don't get to have family reunions because of economics and time constraints, so I am looking forward to all my family being together at my wedding. Weddings and funerals are the only times we get to see each other, and I'd rather have a reunion atmosphere at a wedding than a funeral. Yes, the wedding is about FI and I and our commitment to each other, but how is that not a cause for family celebration? Do you seriously think that the absence of children will make people talk ONLY about you and FI at the dinner table? Of course they will talk to each other about other things, the same way they would at a family reunion. I don't get the hang-up here. The focus will still be on you, you will just have more people focusing on you. You can go either way with the kids. Its up to you and your. My FI and I love the kids in my family AND all of our friends kids and couldn't imagine a family occaision without them, so we are inviting them. We see no real reason not to. I happen to like the fact that the crazy little things kids do at weddings are the things I tend to remember most.

megk8oz · November 2009

Kaynix, yes, it's the OP's wedding, and yes, her mother IS out of line ... but if her mother is paying, then her MOTHER gets the final say. OP does not have the right to tell her mom how she can and can't spend her money (That she's essentially using to do something nice for her daughter).I do believe everybody should have the wedding they want to have, but money=strings, always has, always will. The only way to be 100% entitled to doing it "your way" is to write the checks yourself.

glam70s · November 2009

We're cutting it off at nieces and nephews, although the total will be one child about a year old.I also agree that if the mother is paying, the mother gets the final say. Whether it's your wedding or not, in the end money trumps.

jnj111410 · November 2009

we are having a sun evening wedding that is black tie optional we are allowing the kids at the ceremony that are under 12. and then having a babysitter back at the hotel. we feel that a formal wedding isnt a place for children.

rlyttle · November 2009

We decided NO KIDS also. There were a couple exceptions though. My MOH has a little boy and he was totally invited. Her whole family was there, so that meant she didn't have a babysitter for him. Her mom took him home for the night after dinner. Worked out great!! Also, my nephews were at the ceremony, but left right after the ceremony and stayed with a babysitter at a nearby hotel so my bro and his wife could come back. I thought it was important for them to see me get married. They are really special to us. Also we had a handful of out of town guests that had kids. I didn't think it was fair to ask them to get sitters for the entire weekend when they were traveling half across the country. All in all, there was about 10 kids at the ceremony, and 5 at the reception. SO, we did say no kids, but we did make exceptions. NO ONE complained.

TCUESW1999 · November 2009

We had no children. One of the best decisions I made, even though my parents helped with the wedding costs. The wedding was an evening, very formal affair though and that is different than a more casual/day wedding, imo. No one complained and from the amount of parents that showed up, I think they were happy to have an adults night out.

dojo1 · November 2009

Honestly, the closer to the wedding you get, the less you will care about whether or not kids show up. My mom and I fought tooth and nail about it. I felt guilty and conceeded on some children being invited (we kept it to those in high school or older). Honestly, I'm glad I gave her what she wanted - it was important to her and there's so many other millions of details that I have to look after - this one really isn't going to make or break the wedding. I would have fought to the ends of the earth if my mom wanted me to change something more substantial like wet vs. dry wedding, but when push comes to shove, other details just aren't worth the fight to me in the end.

phut_action · November 2009

"...we had attented a wedding where about 20 kids took over the dance floor.....eventually no one danced " Was it a small dance floor or something? Whats wrong with kids dancing? Do you really not like kids that much? It might not be worth fighting with your mom over. I do agree that your mom crossed the line there with her comment, but remember she's emotionally distraught due to your grandmother's condition, you have to keep things in mind. Plus, since she is fronting the money for the wedding, you have to take her wants into consideration. It is your day, but you're not the only one there either. Personally, I couldn't imagine our reception without our nephews, neices, cousins, friends' kids, etc. You can always hire a couple babysitters (they could be local girl scouts or something) to keep the kids in a separate room, maybe play a movie and have some games to keep them out of the way, blankets and pillows for napping. The added cost might be worth it to your mom. And to the person who said you pay $35/head for kids, thats bolgona. You rarely find a place that will make you pay full price for kids. Almost everywhere offers a $10-$15 charge for children under 10.

macorrea · November 2009

never understood people saying that if someone is paying for the wedding they get the final say. THAT MAKES NO SENSE. Of course, out of gratefulness you should take their opinions into consideration, HOWEVER, if they have offered to help you pay for your wedding it should be as a gift, not because they want to have the final say in how things are done. When people give you money for a birhtday, or even a wedding that doesn't give them a say in what you spend it on. When it comes down to it, it is still YOUR day and there's nothing wrong with kindly explaining that you are eternally grateful for their help but you want everything to feel special for you and your Fi because, hopefully, you will only do this once.

shanns81 · November 2009

In response to whoever said that $35/head for kids isn't true, in the Chicago suburbs it is. My husband and I didn't have kids with the exception of the wedding party -- we had many people question why and we just didn't feel it was appropriate and likewise, I didn't want kids running around all over the place.Ultimately it's your wedding. If you don't want kids, just explain to your parents why. My mom and dad didn't push the issue once I explained my reasoning. Besides that, in our area, it's pretty common for adult only ceremonies and receptions :)I say stick to your guns!

BahamaBride1908 · November 2009

Well we're having an adults only reception. It's on the invites, so folks need to take heed. They can come to the wedding but space is limited and we want to have some adult fun! My niece is 7 months old and may be the only child there if my sister brings her. My FI and our parents are paying for the wedding. Neither of our parents have a problem with our decision, so that's great!

Laina384 · November 2009

Hi Jen :-) David and I decided to not have kids at our wedding (it was 13+), too. Mainly because his family was HUGE (mother one of 6 and dad one of 5) and we wanted to have some set rule that would limit how big the guest list would be. We've also experienced weddings where kids were running around and we didn't want that. My mom created drama too and at one point said "my money, my say" but my dad and I made her realize that it was me and David's day and while she was getting to invite a lot of her friends, the final say on a lot of the day was on us. Don't let the money issue get in the way, because it's not fair to have that hang over your head. I'm sure some compromise can be made. I hope all is well with your family. :-)

DKC1308 · November 2009

I am floating in the exact same boat. Only NO ONE is taking me seriously on the issue. I have 9 nieces and nephews and a half sister. And to be honest they are not all always behaved and it is not something I want to deal with. You have every right to make this choice and it is unfair of your mother to tattle and make you seem selfish. You would think most people with children would enjoy a night with adults. You want everyone to be able to enjoy themselves at your wedding and not have to cut out early because its Timmy's bed time. Or not take advantage of the AMAZNG BAR!!! It is you and your FI day. It should be everything you have in your mind. It has been a huge battle already for me because I have a niece who has self proclaimed flower girl. And at one point I might have agreed but then her mother caught wedding fever, married and she was the flower girl then. Of course my mom thinks I am being cruel and that it is unfair to the little ones who want to see me on my special day. I would talk to both parents with your FI. GOOD LUCK

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