wwyd family IL/cold feet? long...

Emeraldeyed315 · November 2009

My future in laws have really not been kind to me. Fi does a great job talking to them, but they constantly yell over him and treat him like he is 12. FIL keep making comments that I and my family are making them feel unwelcome and that they clearly have "no place" with us. They live out of state, so I have tried including them by emailing lots of pictures, when we visited them in tx I found my wedding gown there so I could show MIL, they know what I got Fi as a wedding gift, asking advice, etc... I dont know what else I could have done.Last night the shiiit hit the fan as we were doing seating charts. We asked where they wanted to sit, and they requested sitting with my parents. Well, my parents requested sitting with family that is traveling from CA to NY that they haven't seen in many years. We explained this and they WENT OFF.They yelled that I am controlling of FI, that I corrupted him by living with him before getting married, that I personally have not made them feel welcome, etc. Then they hung up on FI..What do I do next? Should I call and calmly ask specifics of why they feel the way they do so I can fix it? Do I ignore it? We are getting married one week from today.Ive never had an adult speak so mean about me. To be honest I even am crying, which is lame. What do I do?! They do not listen to FI and scream over him and say he needs to respect them. I feel really stuck and am even scared that maybe we should not marry if this is how his parents are.

MeaghanandMichael · November 2009

I feel really stuck and am even scared that maybe we should not marry if this is how his parents are. I felt this way about my own MIL a few times. It sounds silly and overdramatic but the shiit I read here can really get to you. I promise it is fleeting though once you calm down an realize they have almost nothing to do with your marriage. They may have a part to do with your wedding day, but it seems like if they are going to be poorly behaved they are going to do so, seating chart or no seating chart.Chin up. Take comfort in the fact that you have tried to keep them in the loop and have reached out to them. They sound immature and unreasonable. Unless I am missing something here I say put them at their own table (fwiw: I have never seen parents of the B&G sit together at a wedding)and move on.

FutureMrsDudley55 · November 2009

My FMIL treats my FI likes he's 12 too. If I were in the situation, I wouldn't be calling her back. I'd have FI deal with it.

kate51485 · November 2009

I don't think you have done any single thing wrong, from what you've written here. I'd say that you've even done more than a lot of people would to include your FILs. I wouldn't think it's common for both sets of parents to sit together, either. Is your FI an only child? Are they super protective of him for any other reason?Definitely don't be too hard on yourself or your relationship about this -- I hope things get less stressful for you! We're here for you.

SwedishChick2011 · November 2009

Wow, that sucks. Maybe your FILs really don't want FI to marry you, so they're trying to scare you off. If that's the case, they *might* get a little better after the wedding one they realize what's done is done. Or it could just get worse if they're angry that they didn't get their way. Another possibility is that the FILs are just awful people. What I would suggest is first talking to your FI and asking how he would feel about all of you sitting down and talking this through - opening up the lines of communication. Ask the FILs exactly why they are acting this way toward the two of you. In the end, if the situation is not resolved, you'll have to decide whether you can tolerate being married to someone with such a horrible family.

Emeraldeyed315 · November 2009

kate- u hit the nail on the head, he is an only child which is partly why I've tried showing his mom the girlie stuff of wedding planning.

Emeraldeyed315 · November 2009

we tried calling them last night to talk about this, which is when they freaked out even though FI never once raised his voice.they live in tx, and we live in nj, so speaking in person is difficult.

kate51485 · November 2009

Gosh. I am really sorry you have to deal with this. I don't know what you can do other than calmly explaining you and your FI's choices...I wouldn't be overly apologetic, either, because I don't see that you really have anything for which to apologize. Just be the adult you know how to be, even when they are not behaving like one. No more tears!

mocha beans · November 2009

Sounds like they probably have the empty nest type feeling going on, and are getting all stubborn and defensive about it. May not be much you can do, they're going to be jerks about it just because. They're used to having control over FI, and now having another person's opinion in his ear isn't cool. I think time and being consistent, doing what you're already doing by keeping them involved, is probably they best you can do. Talking may only get them more worked up right now, seems like they have selective hearing.I don't think you did anything wrong either. There's only so much planning they can be involved in from the distance. You've kept them up to speed on the plans. I see no reason why they need to be involved in every.single.decision. And they don't need to sit with your parents when I'm sure your parents would rather sit with their family that they haven't seen in years. Doesn't mean your family doesn't want to have anything to do with his family.

megk8oz · November 2009

I'm so sorry you have to put up with this. It would probably be in your best interest this close to the wedding for you and FI to try and patch things up with them, though I'm not really sure how, since they seem a tad on the unreasonable side.I think your best bet would be to try and calmly reason with them to the best of your abilities.FWIW, I've never been to a wedding (Unless there was a head table that did this) where the bride and grooms parent sat together. I've always seen it where the B&G are centered and then the bride's parents get the closest table on one side and the groom's parent get the closest table on the other. If they did a sweetheart table, then the BP gets the next closest tables on their corresponding sides. I'm from NJ, I'm not sure if this is just a "local" thing, but to me it makes the most sense.

ring_pop · November 2009

I don't think you've done anything wrong, and the issues are with them, not you or your parents. Our parents sat at their own tables at our wedding too; this makes the most sense in most cases. I think they're just looking for things to be pissed off about (my MIL is like this) and no matter how hard you try, they will always find ways to feel slighted.How does your FI feel about his parents? If it came down to it, would he be willing to stand by your side instead of theirs?

Emeraldeyed315 · November 2009

part of the reason I was uncomfortable with the parent table idea (minus never seeing one) is that my grandparents have all died, so it would be his 2 sets of gparents and his parents, and then mine. My parents would not really know anyone, which I think is unfare to them when they are the ones hosting the whole event.

Emeraldeyed315 · November 2009

after they hung up on us last night i began crying and said "what if they try to get you not to marry me" and he said no matter what he wants to marry me next week and they wont be able to stop that from happening.

ac_in_dc · November 2009

Ugh. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. No reason to worry about FI...it doesn't sound like his parents are controlling his behavior. The good news is that once the wedding is over you won't have to spend as much time with them. Just be cordial and detached in your interactions with them. I wouldn't open myself up in the future the way you have in the past. Why don't you seat the parents together at the RD? That's what DH and I did. At the wedding, though, we needed both sets of parents to help us host and entertain guests, so we seated them at separate tables.

ring_pop · November 2009

What I'm saying is, in terms of the cold feet issue, you need to know that your FI will always stand by you. That means, if it ever came to the point where his parents were causing stress in your relationship and you had done everything to resolve it, he'd have to be willing to cut off contact with them. As long as you know that he would do that, you'll be OK.(As my own anecdote... shortly after the wedding, H got fed up with his mom's long crazy phone rants about everything and anything. He told his parents: I have my own family now and I can't have this stress affecting my family, so please don't call me anymore unless you have something positive to discuss. I was SO impressed that he did this, and the way he worded it, about "having his own family now". They now email him, which is MUCH easier to deal with.)

banana468 · November 2009

Ditto ring_pop 100000%.She's spot on here. There's a larger issue and you and your FI need to get on the same page with how to deal with his parents.They sound stressed about the entire thing but the way that they're handling things is not appropriate. FI needs to wait until tomorrow or so (ideally they'll have cooled off a bit) and then HE needs to deal with them.The temper tantrum and insults to you are not acceptable - and ideally he'll say something like, "Mom and Dad, I'm really sorry that some aspects of the wedding aren't the way you want them to be. We're doing the best we can to come up with a good arrangement that pleases as many people as possible. I understand that this can be a stressful time but you accused my future wife of some really inappropriate things and the comments you make to her are comments to me - and they're hurting ME just as much if not more than her. "

strawberrycrz · November 2009

I totally know what you're going through. My FIL's just emailed my FI about their issues with me and my family. I had to come into work today, and now I'm not working but sitting at my desk crying. When you figure out something that works can you let me know please?

mocha beans · November 2009

Ring Pop and Banana are spot on. There is a bigger issue that's going to need to be worked out. He's gonna have to stand up to his parents and tell them to say nice things, or not say anything at all.

kmt_cas · November 2009

Sounds to me like it's their last ditch effort to control your FI. You didn't do anything wrong. Chin up, everything will be ok. Have your FI deal with them. Don't cry!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · November 2009

As long as FI supports you and isn't always siding with his parents, there's no reason not to get married. I know this week will be stressful for you, but I'd let things cool off for a few days and see if they contact you.

sgstraub · November 2009

So I'm not going to say what they did was justified at all! They really threw a temper tantrum However, I am going to go against the grain here and say that every wedding I have been to the parents sat together -- sort of two families coming together. This might be a regional thing? You really can't be mad at them for wanting to sit with your parents, it's kind of a nice gesture, don't you think? My thought is that maybe, just to keep the peace, you should throw this one bone to your in-laws. After all, your parents only need to be at the table for 20 minutes to eat, then they'll be mingling. While how they acted is completely wrong and terrible, I can understand why they'd be on edge. It's their only child, and with a majority of the planning being done so far away there's no way for them not to feel left out -- that's not anyone's fault, just geography! But it's important to start things off right with the inlaws. Which is why I think you and FI need to take the high road right now. You are obviously very upset right now, so I think you will reread this: "scared that maybe we should not marry if this is how his parents are." later, you will realize that there's no reason to think this way -- FI is not taking their side on this, there's no reason to doubt your relationship.

ring_pop · November 2009

You really can't be mad at them for wanting to sit with your parents, it's kind of a nice gesture, don't you think?The thing is, given all of the other issues, it's pretty clear that the FILs went off not because they really want to sit with her parents that badly, but because they're just mad that this is another power struggle that they aren't winning.If they were reasonable people, they'd understand the bride's parents wanting to spend time with relatives that they haven't seen in so long, rather than jumping to perceive it as yet another slight to them.

banana468 · November 2009

Ring pop, I agree.There's a difference between taking the high road and being a doormat. Giving into their temper tantrums is hardly taking the high road. Taking the high road IMO is doing exactly what I said. FI would be telling his parents that he loves them BUT that he HAS to love his future wife and stand up for any attacks to her.Not taking the high road would be saying, "With a week to go until the wedding, we've decided it's best if you just stay home and we'll send you some photos."

Emeraldeyed315 · November 2009

the weird part is they want to sit with my parents because they do not get along well with either of their sets of parents (ie grandparents). thank you for all the advice and perspective, I trully need it and appreciate it..thank you.

sgstraub · November 2009

Well I guess we're just reading things differently, because there really were no previous examples of what they've done to make this sound like a power struggle. I was taking the description for what the fight was about -- parents wanting to sit together -- I'm not going to read into it anymore than that because I don't know anything but what was said in the original post. The only previous issue which was described was that they felt they weren't welcome, which I attribute to planning a wedding in another state. Again, that's not anyone's fault.. but I think that most people would feel left out even though OP tried to include them. I am in no way taking his parent's side, I'm just saying that I've never heard of both sets of parents NOT sitting together at the reception, and I think since both sets of parents have obviously not spent much time together it would be a nice gesture in the spirit of the wedding to have them sit together... especially if one set requested it. It's 20 minutes of the reception, versus the other 5 hours or so that they can visit with the family that they haven't seen in a while. I just don't think that the 20 minutes is worth the possibility of having a bad relationship with the inlaws -- which tends to undermine the relationship. They'd be giving in to one small request made by very important guests... she didn't mention any other compromises they've made with the ILs. Given that it's only dinner seating, this is a fight I wouldn't pick.

banana468 · November 2009

SG, the thing is though the parents have opened a can of worms by saying this:They yelled that I am controlling of FI, that I corrupted him by living with him before getting married, that I personally have not made them feel welcome, etc. Then they hung up on FI..Maybe there's a way to still seat the parents together. However what the FI's parents did is not OK and that situation has to be addressed.

sgstraub · November 2009

Yes, Banana, I agree that that was a terrible thing for them to say, I thought I had made that clear. But everyone says things they don't mean when they are mad. That doesn't excuse it, but it does mean that you shouldn't dwell on it too much. That leads to grudges, and if we held grudges for every mean thing someone said to us we would end up with no family or friends. That's what I meant by taking the high road... Anyways, emerald, thank you for welcoming opinions on both sides -- I just wanted to give you another perspective. Don't doubt your marriage, I've been in similar situation with FILs so I know how easy it is to get sucked into that feeling. But as long as it doesn't start fights between the two of you, it will all work out.

Kristin789 · November 2009

>We asked where they wanted to sit, and they requested sitting with my parents. Well, if you are having a formal wedding where you are wearing a long wedding dress with train, and FI is wearing a tux, etc., then Table One has the BRIDE's parents sitting with the GROOM's parents, plus the officiant and his wife. Not FI's grandparents. You can put his grandparents at TABLE TWO. And I understand that there is another couple coming to the wedding that your parents would like to talk to for part of the reception. That's fine. AFTER THE MEAL and AFTER THE FEATURED DANCES, your parents can excuse themselves and do their table visits, and then they can find the other couple and spend some time talking to them. But your parents are the HOSTS of the event, so they will need to sit as the hosts of the event and do their other HOST responsibilities that night. They can't twist that into "well, we just want to have our friends sit with us and talk to us and play with us through the whole reception." They could suggest getting together with this other couple the morning after, when they can really focus and talk.

kmt_cas · November 2009

I actually think this is based on regional normality. I worked in a reception hall for three years. After working hundreds of weddings, and countless black-tie weddings, we never had the groom's parents and the bride's parents seated at the same table. Obviously we didn't create the seating chart, the bride and groom did, but each set of parents hosted their own table with either their family members or close friends. Maybe that's where the issue is. Where your FILs are from, it is only proper to have the two families sit together, where that is not the norm where your parents are from.

Sparkles1985 · November 2009

First off, I'm sorry to hear you have to deal with this added stress just days before your wedding.I just had an idea for how to address your FILs, if you haven't already talked to them. I used this with my sister recently, and it worked. I know its not the same as with FILs, but it might work.My sister is the type of person who always turns things around on to her: ie: no matter who says what, its always a bash on her, and someone says she is a bad mother, blah blah blah. I got really sick of hearing about it, so I sat down and wrote a letter to her. Then I called her to read it to her; I wanted her to not just read what I was saying, but to actually HEAR it, emotions and all.When I got on the phone, I said "I want you to listen to me, and just listen until I am done. I am sick of the sh!tt that is going on. I wrote this for you today..." and then I just read to her what I had written. (You would probably be better off wording it something like, "I want you to know how your actions and words are affecting me/making me feel. If you could please just listen to what I have to say, it would mean a lot to me," and then read to them the letter you wrote them.I found that it helped to be as calm as possible, and not raise my voice one bit (which is very hard for me when I get emotional and upset). And when my sister tried to interrupt me, I just kept reading. She got the hint and shut up and listened. And afterwards, we talked about everything. I asked her how she felt about what I said, and it made a world of diffrence.If you try this approach, and your FILs won't have it or get rude with you again, then at least you will know that you tried your best to communicate your feelings with them and to understand why they feel this way about you, which is all you can do.Good Luck!!

wwyd family IL/cold feet? long...

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