when will he...???/heavy/scary week

delfinafilms · March 2010

I survived 4 days of heart tests, and it turns out my heart is fine. This little exercise got me to thinking about how much bf means to me, how much it sucks to be without health insurance (he has it through his work, so if we got married, so could I), and what would happen if I got really sick or died and how would he have the authority to act on my wishes? Basically it made me kinda want to have an emergency wedding! I haven't totally said that outright to him. We have been talking marriage for a while now and working through dif books that help prepare you for a re-marriage (i'm 49 and he's 48). The bill for the ambulance alone is $1700, then another $2200 for a few hours in the emergency room. And that's just part of day one. I have applied for financial mercy through the hospital. And I also just got to apply for a state-funded health plan, but don't know if they would backdate it to cover all this crap. My daughter's cat bit me last fall and that cost me $500 out of pocket and I work part time! I feel that if he really loves me he will propose and get me on his insurance ASAP. I can't believe I just wrote that, it seems petty and selfish. But, dammit, it's practical. And also I would hope that, after having this week to consider life without me (they thought I had a blocked artery and went in to check), he would be motivated to whip out his proposal. Thanks for letting me vent. Love ya!

jeanacorina · March 2010

I understand what you're saying. Last year I had very bad anemia, and before we knew what it was I had all kinds of really scary symptoms (heart racing with little or no activity, passing out, etc). I had some of the same thoughts. It would be practical to get married, if he was afraid of losing me he would ask, etc.

The thing is (and I realized this once we found out I would be okay, although I'll be taking prescription supplements and have annual blood tests for a very long time), health insurance and fear are NOT good enough reasons.

Maybe he's not ready to remarry yet, maybe he still has reservations, or maybe he didn't want you to think he proposed because of fear and not love. Maybe he doesn't want it wrapped up in something so scary.

I really don't know, and nobody does but him. You never said how long you've been together, or if he may have experiences to make him cautious. Marriage isn't really something to rush into. Did he learn that the hard way?

Bottom line, you're freaked out, and that's understandable.

I don't think you should get married with health insurance on the brain. But you SHOULD talk to him about what you're thinking and about a timeline. You guys should be able to come up with a solution that works for both of you. There's no reason for you to be TOTALLY in the dark about his plan.

Ana_2985 · March 2010

Ditto everything Jeana said.

Also there is a 99% chance that his health insurance would not pay for the bills OR agree to cover any future bills you get due to their rules on pre-existing conditions.

I'm sorry that this happened to you and I'm glad you're well, but I don't think getting married is the perfect solution you are imagining it will be. Good luck with everything though.

delfinafilms · March 2010

Thanks! I appreciate your words, jeanacorina. Ugh. We are going out tonight to celebrate that I made it. I don't want to bring up the whole timeline thing...well, I want to know what is up, but I don't want to pressure him. I guess I don't want to break up, not that it seems like we are. I would just like so much for him to propose! We talk about the long term stuff all the time. I will try to enjoy the evening for what it is and not make it uncomfortable for both of us. I guess I don't want to stay together if we don't plan to marry. He already knows I want to get married this year. I just wish it were easier to talk about.

jeanacorina · March 2010

It makes sense that you want to know for sure if he shares the same goals you do. Tonight probably isn't the best time to bring it up, but sometime soon you should have a sit-down chat about the future, and what you both want. And when.

[Deleted User] · March 2010

I just agree with whatever Jeana said.

Also....If you REALLY think about it, would you want him to propose and marry you just to put you on his insurance and not because he loves you and wants to be your husband? I don't know...maybe I'm a romantic but the thought of someone deciding to propose to me just because of health insurance doesn't feel right...

I'm happy to hear that everything turned out and you are okay! It is unbelievable how the run those medical bills up - ugh!!

oceana919 · March 2010

As many of the posters above have very good advice, I can't add much to that.

One suggestion I might make...please consider changing your screenname. It's a safety thing - using your personal email address as your SN on a social site can open you up to all sorts of trouble with crazies, or people that just decide for whatever reason that they just don't like what you have to say. Just a friendly suggestion.

paintgirl · March 2010

So in the spirit of being nice to newbs, here goes... Although I agree with the others that you shouldn't get married BECAUSE of the health insurance thing, finances are certainly a factor in any committed relationship and this is clearly a financial issue. You can't do anything about the current bills so it's not an immediately pressing issue, but it could be a factor in timing - not the decision to get married, just when.

Taking my nice-to-newbs hat off, are you sure you are 49? You didn't answer how long you've been with your bf. You signed your post "Love ya" to total strangers. I know 8 year old girls that sign everything "Love ya" regardless of how long they've known a person, but rarely full-grown adults. Why do you only work part-time? Is there a medical reason not to work full-time or are you in an area hit particularly hard by unemployment? You've apparently got funds for a computer and internet access. Unless you're at a library or something. Obviously we don't know your entire life history - we only know what you've told us. Which is you owe a lot of money in medical bills but only work part-time.

Back to nice... Starbuck's, Container Store, and some other companies (including either Lowe's or Home Depot - can't remember which) offer health insurance coverage to ALL employees - even part-time. You might want to look for something like that until you and bf take the next step. Some require part-time employees to pay a larger portion of the premium than full-time employees, but it would give you some coverage. Just something to look in to! Glad you're ok.

paintgirl · March 2010

So I know I probably sounded like a major *ss there, but I've made absolute crap money at different times in my life and either a) bought insurance out of my pocket for a steep monthly premium or b) paid my medical bills. Hospitals will give you payment plans for $50 or $100 a month. $100 payment is 5 extra hours of work a week, assuming home-home pay of only $5 an hour. As I said, we don't know the whole story, but the "boo hoo" was lost on me.

Why do we all have car insurance "in case" but feel we can get by without health insurance? We're much more likely to need health care than we are to have a car accident. And that $1,700 ambulance ride? You were really billed for 1 1/2 or 2 rides - yours, and the last guy who didn't have insurance and couldn't pay.

But Obama is going to save us all, I'm sure. Any day now.

jeanacorina · March 2010

Wow, Paint.

Well, generally I chalk up over-familiarity to not having much experience posting in online communities. It doesn't take a certain age, just someone who is trying to learn how this particular form of communication is supposed to work.

And, yes, medical bills can LOOK scary but for the most part, just about any payment you can make regularly (even if it's $20 a month) will keep the wolves at bay. You're right about that.

However, I think you probably were a little harsh. And, I don't see the need for the political soapbox there at the end. That was unnecessary and kinda rude to a lot of people, not just the OP.

I might not have said anything at all but for that. You could have left it off and still had all the meaning without the weird sarcastic political statement. I hate talking politics with a passion. And it really irks me when people bring it up in odd places like random emails asking how I'm doing or replies to a questions about marriage proposals.

If you want to talk politics, make a thread about it and I'll be sure to avoid it like the plague.

paintgirl · March 2010

Ok, ok, ok. I take back my political soliloquy at the end (but won't delete it - I understand that's a bad thing). I live in DC. It's what we do here - politics. 24/7. Any venue is appropriate. So if we can chalk it up to a regional difference, I learn my lesson and I solemnly swear never to bring up politics again on TK (seeing now that this IS an inappropriate venue to most people), are we good Jeana?

202987 · March 2010

My mom has like a 2 page statement from when I was born-it took her a year to pay me off :-). As long as you send like $10/wk, you should be OK.

People with pre-existing conditions generally can't get health insurance out of pocket. I tried. I also actually HAD health insurance from my work, but they had a "no mental health coverage" clause, so I essentially had none. Tis suckage, I getcha.

That being said, I would not ask my BF to propose so I could get on his insurance. It'd be awesome if he did, especially if that's how it's looking to be. But if he thinks you want to get married for insurance, he might think he's just a financial option. Or else he wants to make sure you're healthy before throwing a proposal your way.

Glad you're OK! I'm sure it's better to pay off medical bills than not be better!

paintgirl · March 2010

I hear ya on the pre-existing conditions, 202. That's where I had to cough up money out of pocket. And it does suck. At some point the 10/week payments (that's exactly what I did) end up being kind of funny. It feels ridiculous but ... it is what it is!

jeanacorina · March 2010

Yes, paint. We're good. I don't think it's so much region. I was raised by a sort-of pacifist mother. It wasn't polite to talk about politics, sex or religion unless you did so in a non-offensive, considerate way only with people you know VERY well.

I agree with my mom. She's gotten more and more intelligent as I get older.

paintgirl · March 2010

(Little voice, hand up) Do we still get to talk about sex?

jeanacorina · March 2010

Well, I think this is probably an appropriate place to talk about sex. Marriage and sex go together (at least I would hope so).

paintgirl · March 2010

WHEW!

I was worried. Thanks for giving me a pass Jeana. Have a good night!

delfinafilms · March 2010

As a farewell, I would like to say: I am active on other wedding boards. More than one. I am not stupid, and don't have a crap job. What business is it of anyone's what my "problem" is? I was being truthful about my age. If you're not my age, you may not be able to imagine how a 49 year old could be without insurance. I didn't ask your opinion about my life, just how do you deal with the anxiety of wanting to get engaged already. I'll go back to the boards without sharks now.

oceana919 · March 2010

Whoaaaaaaaa...what did I miss? Save for a little snark from paint, I thought we were being relatively nice in the advice/feedback we were giving. Grrrrrr...

SarahBethBR · March 2010

So why isn't it okay to talk politics on the internets.

I would argue that it's the perfect place to talk politics because then I don't have to get the blood on me from the Republicans' hands.

paintgirl · March 2010

And I defend my snarkiness. First, I offered some helpful thoughts (companies that offer benefits to part-timers). Second, if this person was on here saying they couldn't pay their mortgage and so they want bf to propose so they can get rid of the mortgage payment, we would tell them to work a few more hours and wait until the time is right, not to get married because it's better financially. (Remember the recent foreclosure discussion? Same idea.) My point was that yes, it's frustrating and scary to get big medical bills, but you can break them down in to smaller payments and make it work.

An obligation is an obligation. You make arrangements with the person/organization you owe to pay it in a manner that can work for you. That's all I was saying.

oceana919 · March 2010

paint, you're allowed to drop snark where you see fit. People will agree with you or they won't. I was just a bit taken aback by how she stormed outta here when the rest of us gave pretty valid advice.

FallinAgain · March 2010

Obama is sucking it up, and Sarah Palin is an idiot.

jeanacorina · March 2010

Yeah, I don't even think paint's post was all that bad. A bit of snark peppered in..... but honestly, I thought I was exceptionally nice and even said paint was being a little harsh.

I mean, if nobody stuck up for her, I can KINDA see being ticked (not really, but you know). However, it's not like she was thrown to the wolves. Very far from it.

I'm not a-scared of paintgirl!!!!

paintgirl · March 2010

YAY!!! I didn't want you to be afraid of me Jeana. Hah - as if.

PaigeMcC · March 2010

This thread makes me laugh. She got honest advice with a little snark thrown in for good measure. No need to run away crying...yeesh!

And I'm not ascared of paint either! She's too funny to ascared of

paintgirl · March 2010

Now the real question: How do I get a shark fin button?

PaigeMcC · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_will-heheavyscary-week?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:0dbed4db-71b1-416d-b545-a7ece0aba20bPost:0f043a29-4a16-4e3f-8564-ace1843c1b7a">Re: when will he...???/heavy/scary week</a>:
[QUOTE]Now the real question: How do I get a shark fin button?
Posted by paintgirl[/QUOTE]

sobe.

when will he...???/heavy/scary week

Re: when will he...???/heavy/scary week

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