Annoying bridesmaid!!

ldcf11206 · November 2009

I am having a total of 3 girls in my wedding party -- my mother as my MOH and 2 friends as bridesmaids. One of my bridesmaids, whom I have been friends with for 10 years, recently got married (8/15/09). My wedding date is 10/16/10. This girl is seriously getting on my nerves and putting a damper on my excitement. Several of the ideas that I have had for my wedding, she acts as though it's the dumbest idea she's ever heard. She is being rude and I don't know if it's jealousy or what, but she needs to let up because she already had her turn in the spotlight. Whenever we hang out together, I feel like she is scrutinizing everything I do and I don't know what her problem is. I don't even look forward to hanging out with her anymore. My fiance thinks she is being rude, too. I have actually called her out before and told her she isn't being a good friend. I feel like it's a constant competition between us, but for what? What is wrong with her?! I wish she would just get over herself.

bablingbrooke · November 2009

If she disses all your wedding ideas, here's a thought: Stop sharing them with her! Are you talking all wedding, all the time? For a wedding that's 11 months away, it sounds like it's a disproportionately talked-about subject. She has a life going on, you have other things in life going on. I suggest you talk about those things instead. You may be bringing it up more than you realize and it can get really old really quick. Frankly, I'd get sick of someone talking about their colors and floral arrangements at any point before the wedding, let alone nearly a year before. Was she ever the wedding planning type (for weddings other than her own)? If not, that explains why she's not interested. Rather than "call her out" why not approach her friend-to-friend about this? You aren't her supervisor, you're her friend. Calling her out like a teacher to a misbehaving student, or a boss to a bad employee, is never a mature way to handle things.

tidetravel · November 2009

Simple solution: Stop talking to her about the wedding. What ideas are she saying are "dumb?" Not saying that she isn't being rude, but she may honestly think she's trying to help. Or, she could be stuck in her own way of thinking.We are better judges of what is/isn't dumb. Tell us.

bablingbrooke · November 2009

"We are better judges of what is/isn't dumb. Tell us." snort.

stina93446 · November 2009

Ditto pp. Stop sharing with her. I had a friend who would always compete with me, and I with her. I finally called her out on it, and she said that she didn't know how it started, but that everytime she would tell me of her troubles, I would tell her about our vacations, or how wonderful our house was. She was getting jealous and started to think that she had to compete with me. After this conversation, we are more careful about this and we're so much better off.

CTGirl30 · November 2009

1. No one will ever be as excited about your wedding as you or your FI will be.2. If you don't feel like you're getting the response from her that you'd prefer then maybe it's best to not discuss so much of your wedding planning with her. Or, accept that not everyone will agree with you that every idea you have is the bestest ever. 3. What is it that she's saying is "dumb"? We can help you (as objective people who don't know either of you) discern if maybe an idea isn't so great....i.e. there was a post not so long ago on the Reception board where a bride wanted to "rickroll" her guests during their first dance song. Several girls immediately responded to warn her that this really wasn't a great idea for a number of reasons and I really hope she listened. These boards do exist for girls to help each other out so maybe we can help you?But I'd focus more on your friendship than Your Wedding. Calling someone out isn't a great way to approach the situation, unforts. It's usually a good way to put the other person on the defensive right off the bat. :-(

mbcdefg · November 2009

Like PPs said, stop talking about your wedding around her. And if SHE brings up your wedding or her ideas for it, then just say, "Mmm, O.K." and then change the subject. A lot of people seem to feel like it's their job to offer brides-to-be wedding or marriage advice, even when they're not good ideas. And a lot of brides develop the attitude that their wedding was the best ever and that everyone should follow their advice. So I don't think you should take it personally. And maybe she's just trying to help, but your annoyance with her is turning it into a "She's trying to upstage me!" scenario. Or, who knows, maybe she IS trying to upstage you, I don't know. Either way, she's only going to annoy you as much as you let her. If she's otherwise a good friend, then I would just let it go. You're in for a LONG engagement if you let this stuff bother you at a year out, so again, change the subject (Her: "You should go with plaid bridesmaid dresses." You: "Mmmmhmmm. Say, what do you think of this wine? Isn't it delicious? Can you believe it was only $8 a bottle?"). Or remove yourself from the situation ... politely end the conversation ("I have to make a phone call, be right back"), or just take a breather and avoid hanging out with her for a few weeks to get your head cleared.

ldcf11206 · November 2009

Ok, I guess I should have said that it's not only wedding stuff that she disses me about. I do not talk about wedding stuff all the time; I make a conscious effort not to do so because I specifically remember how annoying it has been to hear other engaged brides talk wedding, wedding, wedding ALL the time. I am not like that. Or at least I try not to be. The latest thing that she dissed me on was whether or not I will go home or to a hotel on my wedding night. She asked me what the plans are for after the wedding, because the reception will end at 6pm. I live about 15 minutes away from the venue, and I'm not leaving for my honeymoon until 2 days after the wedding. Her response was "you're just going to GO HOME??" She said my wedding night should be special. I told her it WILL be special, no matter if I'm in my own home or in a hotel. It will be my wedding night, of course it will be special! She also asked why I'm having the ceremony and reception so early in the day. I told her because I wanted to. The ceremony will be at 12, and reception 2-6. I know I'm not the only person on earth that has a daytime/early evening wedding. Well, she sort of just rolled her eyes and made me feel stupid. Her wedding was at 5pm and the reception was til 11pm. I don't know what her problem is. I just don't like how she makes me feel dumb. So I guess I'll try the approach of not talking wedding stuff with her. The only problem is, she always asks about it. And then puts me down when I give her the answers. Ugh.

bablingbrooke · November 2009

Well, she definitely sounds difficult. I think pp might have been on to something in saying that some brides think if you did anything different from them that you're doing it W.R.O.N.G. We have a saying on this board for sticky situations where you don't want to talk about something wedding-related: Bean Dip. When your friend brings up the wedding, say "Gee, have you tried this bean dip? Isn't it awesome?" And keep bean dipping. You can't be criticized for something wedding-related if you won't let her talk about the wedding. So change the subject. Someone tried bean-dipping about actual bean dip when there was *no* bean dip present with hilarious results. I also think a heart-to-heart is in order. She may really think she's helping you.

CTGirl30 · November 2009

Yikes. Maybe in that case just try a "Everything's under control with the planning for now - thanks for asking!" And keep it vague... Of course a heart to heart would be best...she might not realize she's even behaving that way. FWIW, my FI and I are also having a daytime reception (ending at 5:00pm) and we will be going home to our house after the reception and not to a hotel since we leave for our honeymoon (2 weeks in hotels) the next day. I don't think it will be any "less special" - why? Because I am going home for the very first time with my husband - as you will be doing, too after your reception.

ldcf11206 · November 2009

She has also complained about the bridesmaid dress I picked out -- saying she's going to be freezing because the dress is sleeveless (does have straps, looks very classy) -- and she has also complained about songs that I'm planning on playing at the reception. She is just full of complaints! I don't think she realizes she is hurting my feelings. If she realized it, wouldn't she stop?? Anyway, I do feel better now knowing that from your objective viewpoints, she is being a brat! I'm glad it's not just me that sees it. Thanks girls.

mbcdefg · November 2009

If her complaints involve something that she has to wear, do, pay for, or schedule her time around, then you need to at least hear her out. Because she may very well have a point, and she has the right to speak up.For example, compromise with her on the dress ... let her purchase a matching bolero jacket or a wrap, or let her get a dress from the same designer/fabric/length/color that has sleeves. Or get each BM a pashmina and tell her that she can wear hers all day if she chooses. Honestly, if YOU are the one that picked out the dress and she didn't get input on it, then she has every right to complain about it. But if she's complaining about things that won't affect her (the music, your dress, your jewelry choices, your invitations, etc.), then ignore her.

ffmaid · November 2009

October in Baltimore she has a point about freezing in a sleeveless or spagetti strap dress. Unless we get one of those nice heat waves like we did this weekend she is likely to be chilled and that is a valid point. You need to take input on BM attire from teh BM. However stop discussing songs with her a year out. Stop talking about any details that do not directly relate to her. Dress relates to her and she has a very valid fall weather point.

jeannigirl · November 2009

I can understand the frustration of this individual. Its hard to hang with someone who is so negative and critical. I think that you should take some time away from her to get yourself a clear head so that you are not reacting. Then see about setting some time aside to spend with her and ask her whats going on has you have observed that she is appears to come across has critical and negative and you value her friendship and would like to resolve any issues. The best advice I believe would be to just say to her everything is going according to plan. Thanks for asking don't let her bait you into those details. Has far has her dress goes have her wear a wrap so she doesn't have to get cold.

janedoe1113a · November 2009

Don't talk to her about the wedding. Easy fix!

janedoe1113a · November 2009

I think she has a point that the dress will be cold. You're getting married in October in Baltimore. Maybe you could get pashminas or something for them to wear.

bablingbrooke · November 2009

What, Baltimore doesn't have climate control? Unless you're getting married in a field w/ reception to follow, I don't think it makes a difference.

amybw · November 2009

She does sound annoying!! i agree with PP, try to steer the conversation away from the wedding, even when she brings it up. It's none of her business how you want your wedding to be. She can have her opinions, but ultimately, its your wedding!! As far as the dress is concerned, i don't see anything wrong with strapless in october, as long as its indoors. I'm getting married this weekend (Nov. 21st!!!!) in Boston and the BM dresses are strapless. The ceremony and reception are indoors at the hotel and we have a coat rack!!! If she really doesn't like the dress, that is one thing, but if she's worried about being cold, tell her to wear a pashmina!!! GL!!!

banana468 · November 2009

Ditto MB. Unless the thing she's asking about involves her finances or time, steer the conversation away from it."Oh that's all set. So did you see (insert TV show) last night?"And just keep changing the subject. My guess: she's suffering from wedding withdrawal and needs to validate that her wedding was OMG the best wedding EVER! Let it go. Hopefully she'll calm down a bit - assuming that this is a new change for her behavior.

julndan · November 2009

I am sorry! It is so much nicer when people are excited and happy for you. Things get stressful and you need to try to surround yourself with friends who want to DE stress you.

gottahavashorti · November 2009

ldcf, that does sound pretty annoying. October in Baltimore can be cold though. Can she bring a bolero or pashmina to toss on if it's cold that day?carolina, it is not polite to demote and/or replace bridesmaids. I'm not quite sure how you could say that politely.

bablingbrooke · November 2009

"I fnally told her that she could be replaced and she did not have to be in the wedding if she did not want to. I said it as politely as I could of course." There is no way to say that politely. You can tell someone you don't appreciate the comments/that it's hurting you politely. But to say she can be replaced is never polite; it comes across as: "I can replace you like *that* girlie! You think you're here because you're special? Ha! There are other girls who can wear that dress and don't think I can't find them!"

ldcf11206 · November 2009

Yes, October in Baltimore can be cold; however, the BM told me she loved the dress I picked out! She tried it on before she put money down on it, just to make sure she liked it. I told her we could keep looking if she wanted to and she said no, she agreed with me that it was a nice dress. There is no problem with finances here...the girl is a nurse and she has money coming out of her butt. She is just a complainer, that's all. October 2009 had so many weather changes, it was crazy. One week was cold and the next week was in the 70s. Regardless of the weather, my wedding ceremony in October 2010 will be inside of a church, and my reception will be inside of a restaurant. My wedding gown is strapless, and yes maybe I'll be cold, but it won't be the end of the world! I'll suggest to my BM that she can wear a pashmina or something. I don't care if she wears a sweatshirt -- as long as she doesn't wear it for formal pictures :-) I'm not a difficult person to get along with. But, this BM is really getting to me and I'm tired of it. We have hashed things out before...she is like a sister to me because we have known each other for so long. We can have arguments and then get over it. But I'm tired of the arguments so you all are right...I'll quit talking wedding stuff with her and we'll see how it goes. Thanks girls!!

emilyinchile · November 2009

she is like a sister to me because we have known each other for so longThis. A couple months ago I was a bit frustrated with a BM in large part because we also are like sisters and know how to push each other's buttons. The comments she was making (none of my ideas were "her personal favorite" and of course my wedding should be 100% her taste) were in character, and while she was in the wrong (we discussed it, she apologized), I was also quicker to feel frustrated because I felt like "here we go again." Has this friend ever done stuff like this before?I think PPs have given good advice: cut the wedding talk with her, and have a conversation about how her comments are hurting your feelings. If she's really a good friend, she might get defensive at first but she'll realize that she doesn't need to put you down.

ldcf11206 · November 2009

Emily --- Yes, this friend has done stuff like this before. I don't know what her problem is, or what I have done to make her feel like she needs to compete with me. If she keeps it up, I'll definitely have to say something to her (again). I think I'm just coming to realize that she is just one of those people who just doesn't "get it."

mbcdefg · November 2009

She is just a complainer, that's all.So it sounds like this isn't exactly new behavior for her, right? Although I can sympathize with being worn down by constant complaining ... it really grates on your patience and eventually can make you blow up at the smallest thing. I'm betting that this is getting on your last nerve because you originally figured that, as a bridesmaid, she should be supporting you and your decisions extra-hard now. Right? Nothing wrong with that, but it seems like you're just disappointed in her because you may just be expecting more from her now that you're getting married. And you're probably noticing her behavior moreso during your engagement because wedding planning is one of the few things in life that might be "all about you."It's normal to be bummed that friends don't show as much interest in our weddings/lives as we like, but I think we all need to realize that people aren't going to change just because we're planning weddings. I think we just notice their personality quirks (good and bad) moreso during this time, because we like to think that we should be really relying on people at this point in life.

jeannigirl · November 2009

So my question is have you really asked her why she is saying the things that she is saying? Instead of contuining to go over and over this you can get straight to the problem which is her negativity and critism and figure out the solution. There is several ways in which this can be resolved without hammering away at the problem. You can sit her down and let her know that these comments are bothering you and you would like to know what is going on with her that she has to act this way. Once she tells you then you need to say that you care about her and would like to contuine to build this friendship however you will not contuine to allow any more negative comments from this point on. That will put the ball in her court then let it go. She will make the decision if she wants to contuine to be your friend and be in the wedding. Drop all wedding talk with her from this point on tell her that wedding talk is off limits.

ldcf11206 · November 2009

Retread - I replied to you once but I don't know why my reply isn't showing up. Anyway, I wasn't the one that said "I
fnally told her that she could be replaced and she did not have to be in the wedding if she did not want to. I said it as politely as I could of course." That was someone's response to me, talking about what they did in a similar situation. I would never say this to my bridesmaid/friend! Consider it...yes...say it...NO.

I'm going to stick with everyone's advice and stop talking wedding stuff with this bridesmaid. Hopefully everything will be ok after that.

Annoying bridesmaid!!

Re: Annoying bridesmaid!!

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